to not want my MIL with me in hospital after my baby arrives...?

[Toostubbornforherowngood]

Quite a long one this, I'm afraid, have to set the context.

I live abroad with my foreign DH, we live very close to his parents. I am due my first baby on 14th February, and am planning to have it in a hospital 5 hours drive away (various reasons). My mother is planning on coming out from the UK about a week before my due date to help me out - my DH and I will be staying in a flat owned by DH's family in the city in the lead-up to the birth, and my mother can stay with us there.

After the birth, I will be in hospital for about 4 or 5 days, CS or not. Both my DH and my mother will come in during the day to help me/keep me company.

However, it now looks baby will come early, either induction or CS. DH will of course still be around to help me out afterwards but my MIL and SIL are adamant that they should travel with us and be with me to 'support me'. We have said to them that they are welcome to visit me in the hospital but that I do not need/want them with me all day. It's very traditional where I live and they (wrongly) believe that my DH will not be able to cope with nappies and bathing the baby, despite his wonderful and obvious enthusiasm for doing just that. They are planning on being in the hospital from morning til night. In some hospitals, if there is a spare bed in a ward, they also allow overnight stays for relatives.

A few things. Am I being stubborn in thinking that we will not need help? The 'help from a woman' thing is coming up a lot. First baby, so maybe I am a bit naive about what I will be able to do, especially if I have a CS. Will I welcome having them there? I do get on with them very well, but they do not speak English, and I may find it tiring having to be polite, especially in another language in which I am not fluent.

I don't want to offend them. Obviously if the baby can hold on, then my mother will be here and I have no problem with her being with me - if I refuse their company and then accept my mother's, will they understand why???

I'd love to hear what people think about what kind of support mentally and physically I will need after the birth. AIBU to refuse help from well-wishing in-laws just to be stubborn?

yanbu,, stick to your guns.

no way are you unreasonable.

I was the same. A Canadaian in Uk with my geordie hubby and she wanted to be in the delivery room adn all that to be helping.

BUt I just told her I just want me adn hubby there as I feel I just wanted my own little family presnt.
Also you'll be able to change diapers and everything after a nights rest and hopefully there are nurses to help.
Newborns dont poo and pee every hour or anything. just feeding really.

I think my first night in hospital I change 2-3 nappies and fed 2-3 times.

Its hard to enjoy lots of people in a hospital room. Nothing to do but small talk and you dont even want to do that because all you want is rest because you JUST GAVE BIRTH. I only wanted me adn hubby there to cuddleme and baby. even when I got home I hated that there was 15 people to see the baby. being passed around upsets them and their bones, they would rather just be laid down adn left alone. All they do in the first few days is sleep anyways... eat sleep change...

you MIL will get over it. Its YOUR baby. she had hers and its your decision on what and how you want your labour adn early days to go.

YANBU about not wanting your MIL staying in hospital with you. I can understand that.

However, if you have a c/s you do need quite a lot of support after you are discharged (I've had 2 c/s). So if you get on well with your MIL and your own mother has not arrived yet it may be worth having them around after you're discharged from hospital. You can always spend a lot of time in bed with the baby if it gets too much!

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your hormones will be all over the place and you will need to cope in any way possible. Have you tried to speak to your husband about how you feel? My DH was great in a similar situation (although culturally very different) he told my MIL the way it was and even the midwives were very protective in hopsital.

Having my mother around when my DD1 was born was great because she let me rest and get used to a very new situation. She also helped me to build my confidence as a new mother. I also found that because we did things in the way that I wanted and because I was strong, when my MIL came we actually have built a brilliant relationship. If I had let her take over completely I don't know if we would have had this.

One thing I would say however is that any sleep that either of you can get is an absolute blessing so if you can think about the type of help you might want - i.e. you look after the baby and they do your shopping cooking and cleaning, make your visitors cups of tea and let you have a nap between feeds and then they can hold baby. If you set the boundaries firmly and politely it could work brilliantly.

I am sure your DH is great but with my first we had a long and difficult delivery and that really shocked my dh and upset him because there was nothing he could do to help. A few of my friends have said that they felt the same. I am not saying that to frighten you but just to let you both consider that whilst i am sure your dh will be fantastic, a bit of support for him might actually be appreciated.

Things will work themselves out and they will go home! Very best wishes

Whatever happens, they will leave eventually!

YANBU, but if you have a section you'll be so knackered that you won't care about being polite. If it gets too much just shut your eyes and pretend to be asleep and get DH to send them away for a while.
My MIL came and stayed for a few days when DS was 2 weeks old and DH had to go back to work - it was a godsend, she made me cups of tea, made sure I drank loads of water, did the cooking and ironed DH's shirts. My Mum came up the following week and did the same thing (only better ).
Seriously though, don't reject all help out of hand, you will be very grateful for it when the time comes.

I think "in the hospital" is the key here. It will be hard for OP to sleep/rest if ILs are in the room 24/7. Very suffocating even if they mean well. I didn't have a Cs with my first, though I did have a v. bad 3rd degree tear then quick episiotomy (ds emerged holding fist to head - ouch...) and lots of stitches. Spent first days of his life dissolving in and out of tears of shock and pain, coupled with elation of course, and just wanted to retreat into a ball, cuddle him and sleep when i could. i would have had a nervous breakdown if I'd had to be holed up with anyone apart from dh during that time.

Fter about a week/ten days though, that was when practical help with cooking/shopping was useful ie once dh had gone back to work.

I have had 4 dcs and nothing is as shocking as the first baby. stick to your guns; they will understand, and if they don't...well shame on them. in my opinion anyone who has given birth NEVER forgets the rush of hormones, the massive shellshock that is childbrth, and the fragility of a new mother.

I think part of the problem is that I do not want to sound ungrateful in politely refusing their help whilst I am in the hospital - and then expect or need it when I get back home. They may feel a bit - "well, if she didn't want us there at the start, why should we help her now".

My DH does understand how I feel - he was getting a tad miffed at the comments about him being incapable of helping me after the birth. For the labour and birth itself - well that's another thing altogether. I want my DH there, my mother on stand by if it gets rough going, and that's it. No ILs.

I need to be a bit stronger in how I deal with my MIL I think. They are a forceful family (well culture generally) and I should just speak up. I just wish it wasn't preying on my mind in a 'oh god what do I do about this situation' way - I have other things to be preparing myself for....

Do you mind if I ask what culture your ILs are from? It's just that it reminds me of mine! My MIL came uninvited to the hospital when DD was born and I found her staying in my house when I came home. She wouldn't go away until I got dh to actually pack her bag for her and put it in the car. She just took it for granted that she should be there and that dh, being a man, would be totally useless. The easiest thing to do, and what I will do for any future babies, is not to tell them when you go into hospital. Just say it happened really quickly and there wasn't time to contact them.

They're Greek. I think maybe this is just the latest (and potentially most stressful for me) example of a culture clash. Alex - how about you?

MIL is also busily preparing/has prepared acres and acres of delicately crotcheted blankets and bed linens - for the baby's and our bed which she is planning on putting on for when we come out of hospital. I know that sounds like a minor thing to moan about, but it just gets my goat. My own mother asked me what I needed for the baby, we went shopping together and we chose a lot of bed linen (plain, simple, easy to wash). I know it's nice to have something special to mark the occasion, I just wish I had a say.

This is cathartic.

You need to be firm with your ils. Yes, you should respect their culture, but by the same token, they should respect yours, which means that the mother or mother to be, calls the shots, and not the ils!

I would get your DH to explain that you want your mom close, but that's it, and would prefer just your DH.

Of course you will cope!

Are they really saying that you need 4 people to help with a newborn?

Well the more they say, rather ominously, 'you're going to need more help than your DH can give', the more I worry about what I am actually going to need help with! Am I naive?

hahaha! I knew it! Mine are Greek too! I also have all the handmade bed stuff, it is in a box in our storeroom! Whereabouts in Greece are you?

i hd a cs with my first....my partner couldn't make it to the hospital the next day (he was there or birth and all day/evening after) I managed fine...you will NOT ned your
ILS...

They want to help, which is nice, but could you give them something to do? Like say, 'my friends say that what they appreciated was freezer food, and I do so love your (name Greek dish)...'

Personally, I didn't want visitors for the first week. And then really needed help with things like cleaning, laundry etc...

Could you play the culture card, say to them that in you would prefer to do it the English way.

To be clear when I had my babies the best support from family was practical ie. cooking, cleaning etc NOT baby stuff. You want to feed, play and generally bond with the baby, I bf and my dh did all the nappies to the extent that he had to show me how to do it when he went back to work. Sometimes families think that the help they can give is to take the baby off your hands while you sleep - I didn't want that from anyone other than dh.

I had to smile when you said 'they are Greek.' We have been on holiday to Rhodes for the last 10 years and have become almost like family with the hotel owner. His mother (in her 70's) insists on telling me I am overweight, but that she loves me very much They are the lovliest people but the women are 'all powerful and controlling' I know some great Greek swear words if you need to mutter them under your breathe. You are not being unreasonable at all - it is just a culture clash.

Good luck - stick to your guns.

Alex, I had a sneaking suspicion from your name....I'm in Lefkada, where are you?

All my crotcheted stuff is at the back of a shelf in the wardrobe. Every name day/celebration I get comments about why it's not on the beds and tables. I just smile serenely and say - it's too nice to risk it getting dirty.....

All your comments are giving me resolve. Brief hospital visits for the days after the birth. When we get back home, strict visiting rules and help with cooking/cleaning hugely, greatly appreciated. They are very houseproud, so will like being able to clear up my pigsty (DH has banned me from doing housework now as I am getting close....4 days in and the house is disappearing beneath a wave of dust and crumbs....)

Toostubborn - I am fluent in Greek. I can help you to find the words to say anything you like to them, even in a girly way that your dh might not think of.

shabster, commenting on weight is definitely not off-limits here - I have had many many people say that apart from my bump, I have lost weight since I've been pregnant - and I look a lot better...

Swear words were the first thing my DH taught me. He knew what he was getting me into....!

Alexandroupolis (hence the name). They ask me about the crocheted stuff too. It's just too impractical. I also tell them I don't want to spoil it!!

Regarding the cooking, the one good thing my MIL did was to fill the fridge with huge dishes of stuff, which I then froze in portions. You could do that too, I found it really useful

yes, the weight comments used to annoy me at first. I just brush them off now.

i get on really well with my ILs, but whenever i've just had a baby i really resent them being around. not sure why - possibly because they stake a claim on something which is, in my eyes, so intensely mine. for what its worth, i love being around them later on, cos they are so devoted to my dc.

if it were me, i would really not want her around at the hospital - its lovely having that time to just sit and stare at what you've made.

LOL - when we go back in July it will be my DS4's 12th birthday. Maria has already got her son Takis to email saying she will make the food for his party and invite all their family I am very close to them but they do make me ROFL with their interfering, 'in your face' way of doing things.

She rings me in the hotel room and says (I will try to do this how she says it) 'I make you food, you come to kitchen and get it. I hope enough is there for all 3 of you. You eat too much so maybe I should give more to you.'

shabster - that's so funny! Does she really give you larger portions? My MIL used to put huge mountains on my plate and be amazed when I could barely make a dent in it!

I suppose I should be grateful - we go in self catering apartments but at least once a day she cooks for us never charges us - she says we are her family.

Her husband would go mad if he knew she was feeding us....she waits till he goes out of the hotel then rings our room, or comes to find us. She gives us massive portions then gives just me - extra bread etc etc. She piles me up with it all then says 'Bring back plates, now go go 'ella ella' run like the wind before Sam he come back!!'