to not want my MIL with me in hospital after my baby arrives...?

[Toostubbornforherowngood]

Quite a long one this, I'm afraid, have to set the context.

I live abroad with my foreign DH, we live very close to his parents. I am due my first baby on 14th February, and am planning to have it in a hospital 5 hours drive away (various reasons). My mother is planning on coming out from the UK about a week before my due date to help me out - my DH and I will be staying in a flat owned by DH's family in the city in the lead-up to the birth, and my mother can stay with us there.

After the birth, I will be in hospital for about 4 or 5 days, CS or not. Both my DH and my mother will come in during the day to help me/keep me company.

However, it now looks baby will come early, either induction or CS. DH will of course still be around to help me out afterwards but my MIL and SIL are adamant that they should travel with us and be with me to 'support me'. We have said to them that they are welcome to visit me in the hospital but that I do not need/want them with me all day. It's very traditional where I live and they (wrongly) believe that my DH will not be able to cope with nappies and bathing the baby, despite his wonderful and obvious enthusiasm for doing just that. They are planning on being in the hospital from morning til night. In some hospitals, if there is a spare bed in a ward, they also allow overnight stays for relatives.

A few things. Am I being stubborn in thinking that we will not need help? The 'help from a woman' thing is coming up a lot. First baby, so maybe I am a bit naive about what I will be able to do, especially if I have a CS. Will I welcome having them there? I do get on with them very well, but they do not speak English, and I may find it tiring having to be polite, especially in another language in which I am not fluent.

I don't want to offend them. Obviously if the baby can hold on, then my mother will be here and I have no problem with her being with me - if I refuse their company and then accept my mother's, will they understand why???

I'd love to hear what people think about what kind of support mentally and physically I will need after the birth. AIBU to refuse help from well-wishing in-laws just to be stubborn?

lmao shabster!
They've already told me that they're going to rub my baby's gums with the brain of a certain fish soon after the birth - because it's supposed to make the child more intelligent....

The Italians all have a MIL/Mother/Sister in the hospital with them too, overnight, as nurses don't do anything with regard to practical help.

If you get on OK with them, (I'm on the evil MIL from hell thread, so mine never offered) than tbh, I'd be inclined to accept, particularly if it's the case as it is here in Italy that healthcare professional help stops at lights out (and tbh is fairly non-existant before then, which is why I'm always a bit gobsmacked when women complain they had 13 healthcare professionals helping and they still couldn't find the latch etc. Chance to see even 1 would have been nice, but I digress)

But, in answer to your OP you are NOT being unreasonable at all. Do what feels right for you, and good luck!

My first grandchild arrived last June - a beautiful boy called LEWIS - they insist on saying LOUIS in their emails. They will not have it that we spell it different. I can LOL just thinking about them.

God no.

My Mum wanted to come and stay with us for 2 weeks after DD was born and I was adamant I wouldn't need her to (started a thread in fact!)

I was lucky not to have a C section but did have forceps, epsiotomy and tons of stitches.

DH and I coped just fine and I definitely didn't want her staying. Visiting, yes, but not staying over.

People kept telling me I would feel differently when I'd given birth. Well I didn't. You know your own mind, YANBU.

I didn't have a problem with the care in the hospital here (don't know about Lefkada though). I do find that breastfeeding support is nonexistant and that the "advice" they give is terrible. Thank goodness for MN!

YANBU. There's only so much that needs doing with a young baby, so given that you will have DH on hand to help, there really is no need for anyone else to do anything. All newborns need is nappy changing, feeding and sleeping, that's all. Yes it is time demanding but if you're anything like me, you wouldn't want to go to sleep while someone else looks after your baby anyway

I guess it's difficult for you to get that across given the culture, but hopefully DH will be able to convince them. Good luck

I agree with Larchwood. To prevent putting any noses out of place use the differing cultures to your own advantage. Ask your DH to explain to ILs that it is not customary in the UK/in your family for anybody other than DH, your own mother, and medical staff to be with you during your hospital stay. Ask him to over emphasize that you would be too embarrassed (prudish brits..). If this tactic doesn't work/doesn't seem sensible then sit down with DH and come up with a plan for when they arrive, perhpas he could be in-charge of ushering them out when you give him a signal/after a certain time.

Just to give you my POV. Nobody offered any help for me (nor did I ask - I was far too proud! ), and although I did manage, it would have been very nice for somebody to bring a cup of tea, freeze some food, hold DD whilst I had a bath... It was quite lonely and isolating for me, particularly during the day when everybody was at work, and late at night when DD had been crying with colic for hours. I am not saying you are being ungrateful - I can imagine how smothering it must be - but of the two possible extremes I would choose to be smothered than isolated.

God no! I was exhausted after having DS1 (48 hour labour...) and I did just send people away. There is no way in the world I wanted people to stay with me!

YABABU about the blankets though. Yes we bought the standard ones that are easy to wash but the one that my MIL made is lovely and it reminds me everyday of the very special time when DS1 was a tiny baby...the bought ones while more practical just don't have the same "sentimental value".

Stick to your guns, there will hopefully be many many chances for SIL and MIL to help out!

You poor thing! My MIL came to stay with us before I had my DS, at MY request (pretty much told DH to stick his nose out of it when he asked her, only the mother of the child gets to decide who is there, so only if MadMarg wants me there will I come). She needed to come early as she lives on the other side of the world, and DS decided to arrive late so we did a lot of thumb twiddling!!!!

But she is SUCH a lovely MIL. She did all the cleaning and cooking and shopping (she could win a medal for her shopping ability!) She watched me carefully, was concerned when I was teary but only offered help and advice if I wanted it. If she saw the certain 'look' in my eye, she took off out of the house to give me my space. She held DS to cuddle him occasionally, especially during one of his long crying bouts, but in no way did she interfere. She took all her cues from me, and so was a wonderful help.

TBH, I spent 1 1/2 days in hospital here in London, and the hospital help was pretty much non existent, I did it all on my own. And you know what? It's not that hard! A bit nerve wracking the first few times, but that's all it is, your nerves. You might feel clumsy and awkward, but that will pass very, very quickly, trust me!!! (I say as a person who actively avoided having anything to do with little children pre DS and so knew next to nothing!!!! ). If you have a really colicky child or one with real feeding difficulties, it may be a different story. But if that happens, THEN you can ask for help (and your mother would probably be there by then anyway!)

I think that is the big difference for you, it doesn't sound as though your MIL will be taking the cues from you, she will do what she darn well wants to do. Although help after the birth might be desirable, not the sort of interfering help which pretty much elbows you out of the way.

The greatest difficulty is juggling being a brand new mother with all of the usual housekeeping stuff. So THAT is what you could and should ask for help with. Get your MIL to cook some food, maybe do some laundry (cause your little one really will muck up their clothes!!!) and a bit of tidying up around the house. But limit this time at your house, to maybe just a few hours if you can't be sure that they will back off from you. Maybe occasionally they can prepare dinner at your place and everyone eats there, but only if its a quiet one, and only if you feel up to it.

You WILL need peace and quiet, and the ability to take naps, because you will be functioning in a zombie state because of the frequent wakes up in the middle of the night.

YANBU - my French-in-laws came out to Spain for a month across my due date. It really wasn't what I would have chosen but I made sure that DH explained to them that I didn't want people around all the time.

MadMarg is spot on about giving specific tasks and limiting the time in the house.

My MIL cooked us dinner at her apartment and then brought it round in the evening. They stayed for an hour or so of baby time and then left us to our dinner.

After the first week home I then asked DH to ask them if they wanted to stay to give DD a bath one evening so they got a bit more baby time.

This worked well for us. Good luck

From a british perspective it is unreasonable.

My sister lives in spain, and it is the norm there. When a family member go to hospital, the family make a rota, deciding who stays and when, etc, so the patient is never lonely, and get all the help and support they need.

This is also because the care is very often done by family, and not by nurses as we are used to in the uk.

I have had 2 sections - the first as an emergency. Dh and I had always been clear that gp's were welcome to visit in hospital but that we wanted to come home just the 2 of us with our new baby so that we could find our feet together - we would then welcome visitors when dh had to go back to work.

We were lucky that both sets of gp's were (are!) very reasonable and totally understood and accepteed our request. And we did just fine.

I prepared by cooking and freezing loads of food in advance but I was out and about the first day I was home (day 4) albeit walking VERY slowly. You will manage, and for me the time alone as a new family was really valuable.

I would suggest though that you get this with as little aggro as possible as you may well need their help later. Are there any jobs you can give them now that make them feel involved so that you can sweeten the 'we don't want you to stay that often after the birth'? Maybe get mil on the case with cooking you food to freeze?

Also is there any chance you can get the hospital onside to tell them you are not well enough for visitors / you are busy with the dr / you are sleeping after being up all night and they can't come in? Or how would they accept being told that they are welcome to visit while you are in hospital but only for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon? Remember the 3 day blues too - I burst into tears on my il's on day 3 for no reason at all - I think I was just a bit overwhelmed and they were being lovely and ssensitive too!

Good luck x

im living in nikaia due to give birth june (first child).my in laws are also controlling pushy even manipulative given the chance, iv also got similar worries.
being in controll myself and being one step ahead of them is a full time job. even speaking some greek myself they like to belive i dont know or understand.
"alexopolismum"-you are fluent maybee you could help me with how to say some strong but "girly" approach statements to re inforce my ability to cope with a newborn/only help with cleaning&teas etc/short visits pre arranged by fone call.the list goes on....

hope you can help

Thanks for all the contributions. I'm in a possibly similar situation with my mum (PIL are fab!). Mum has already announced she would have come to my first MW appointment if we'd told them sooner!!! Definitely going to follow everyone's advice and put my foot down sooner rather than later.

Thanks

Aw, they need jobs and lots of them. They want to be involved so let them. Don't your curtains need dry-cleaning? Baby's clothes need sorting, freezer need stocking, floors need scrubbing?

tbh, your dh needs to involved in 'womens work' from day one to gain confidence in it. If he puts it off he could well end up disempowered and hopeless at it. And he'll miss out.

nicf30 - my MIL is always saying "emeis i gynaikes ehoume dynates plates, ta katafernoume ola" so I say it back to her too - this is a great Greek phrase.

Another firm response is "Proti eimaste i teleftaii?" (best said while putting your head slightly to one side with a stern look in your eye)

these are of course all purpose phrases.

Cleaning: Den xero ti tha prolavo, ti na protokano? Den boro na kaleso kosmo na doun to moro, giati den thelo na doun etsi to spiti, opos kai na'nai ena heri theli. (My MIL was so horrified at the thought of her relations being denied the chance to see the baby, she started sweeping immediately after I said this)

If you are planning on breastfeeding: Ennoeitai oti tha thylazo. Kai den kanei brosta ston kosmo, toulahiston mehri na synithisoume. Anastatonei to moro. Prepei na xero pote tha erthete/ tha erthei kapoios, yia na thylaso apo prin kai na ftiahto ligo, na eimaste etoimi

Actually, it's probably best if we start a new thread for all this. If you go to the bilingualism section and write there, put a list of the sort of phrases you would like, and I'll see what I can come up with