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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with mil over measley offer of petrol money?

31 replies

Tabithacat · 15/01/2009 16:06

Hi,

New here, been lurking since before Christmas and only posted a few times.

Background is, me, DH and DDx3, mil and bil have been invited to a party. It is a fair way and we need to stay overnight in a hotel. Mil wants to go but won't go by herself as she would have to use public transport, so needs us to go. First off, I wasn't keen and told her that I would have to think about it with regards to what the DDs were doing, money situation, dog sitter availability etc. Mil says that if money is an issue, she will pay for hotel, petrol etc- didn't want to do this as don't want to be under obligation to her. DH wants to go so I have sorted all out and DD1 is staying at home because she doesn't want to go.

Bil says he is going but is unreliable.

Looking at cheap hotels, discovered that we could get a room for the four of us for £29 so rang Mil and said yes, we could go and we would pay for our room. She asked if I wanted a contribution for petrol and I said no, not to worry.

We have to take people carrier to get us all in (including bil if he comes) it will cost £70 - £80 in petrol.

Now, this is the bit that I am annoyed about - she then offered me £10 for petrol - if she hadn't offered anything I would have been fine, but £10? Also, I am well aware that I am annoyed about this simply because it is her! (We have had "issues" shall we say?) She does know how much petrol costs and she is paying for bil room and is not poorly off.

I just feel really annoyed - so AIBU?

OP posts:
mm22bys · 15/01/2009 16:12

Maybe she genuinely has no idea how much it would cost in petrol - if she has to use public transport does that mean she doesn't drive herself? It has gone up alot recently (although admittedly has come down since the "highs") so maybe she is simply out of touch.

YABALBU.

mayorquimby · 15/01/2009 16:13

"She asked if I wanted a contribution for petrol and I said no, not to worry.
"

"Now, this is the bit that I am annoyed about - she then offered me £10 for petrol - if she hadn't offered anything I would have been fine, but £10?"

"She does know how much petrol costs and she is paying for bil room and is not poorly off.
"

yabu. she offered to ay the lot.she offered to contribute her shre.then she offered to contribute a token amount.

it doesn't matter how well off she is if you refuse her offers.

wotulookinat · 15/01/2009 16:13

why are you cross? she offered you money and you say 'no, not to worry'. She then offers you £10 and you are cross?

tumtumtetum · 15/01/2009 16:15

I think you should have accepted her offer to pay for the whole lot - after all it is you doing her a huge favour so it wouldn't leave you under obligation to her.

mayorquimby · 15/01/2009 16:17

"I think you should have accepted her offer to pay for the whole lot - after all it is you doing her a huge favour so it wouldn't leave you under obligation to her."

but then she wouldn't be able to complain about how her well off MIL is contributing nothing to the trip.

DustyTv · 15/01/2009 16:17

Hi and welcome to mumsnet, you'll love it

TBH I do think that YABU, your MIL has offered money for petrol and you declined that money, she also offered to pay for your room but you declined that by paying dor your own room, I understand you not wanting to be under any obligation to her (I have been there with my PIL also)

As you say you and your MIL have issues (also been there with my PIL, lol) I think that you are feeling a bit annoyed because of these issues and not because of the actual petrol/hotel room issue.

Original poster
Tabithacat · 15/01/2009 16:17

Hi MM,

She drives but she hasn't got a car as that would be too expensive

Unless she wasn't listening to any of our conversations over how expensive the car is to run - when the prices were sky high - she should have some idea...

Winds me up because she expects us to run around after her because we have a car and she doesn't.

But I agree with YABALBU, if it were anybody else I wouldn't care!

OP posts:
Sidge · 15/01/2009 16:18

Sorry but YABU.

She offered money but you declined.

Her share of the petrol would be not much over a tenner anyway assuming it costs £70 and there will be 6-7 of you going in the one car.

serenity · 15/01/2009 16:18

She offered room and petrol, you said No.

She offered to pay for petrol again, and you say No.

She offers again (minimal amount in the hope you'll accept it?), and you think it's not enough?

YABU I'm afraid. The impression you give is that nothing she would do would be right in your eyes. No idea whether she deserves that or not, but in this particular instance, you're definitely BU.

FourArms · 15/01/2009 16:18

So there will be you, your DH and 2 of your DD's? Plus your MIL and BIL. So 6 people. So actually, split 6 ways, her contribution is roughly (for someone who potentially doesn't understand the cost of petrol very well) a fair amount.

LilRedWG · 15/01/2009 16:20

Poor MIL!

Lulumama · 15/01/2009 16:22

you should not have declined her initial offer

you are cross at yourself more than anything i think

tumtumtetum · 15/01/2009 16:22

sidge and fourarms have their sums right - you have rejected her offers to pay for your family for rooms and/or petrol and so she offers to pay her own way instead. Seems fair enough to me.

Obviously I don't know her though it sounds like there are other ishoos...

DustyTv · 15/01/2009 16:23

You said it Tabitha, 'if it were anybody else I wouldn't care! ' It is just because it is your MIL and you both have issues with each other.

I'm not judging as believe me I feel that way about my PIL all the time, but I know it is because we do not get on and I sometimes try to find fault where there is non.
I now hide away upstairs with a cuppa and a book when they come round lol, that way they cant piss me off, (much anyway )

psychomum5 · 15/01/2009 16:26

does she know how much the petrol costs??

I can kind of understand why you are irritated......my aunt had a stroke last year, and I offered to collect her to take her to eye appointments after (which was very brave of me considering what she is like and how I feel about her, but that is a whole other thread).

anyhoo.......I didn;t offer to do t for any contribution of petrol, and TBH, didn;t want anything for it anyway (I was being nice), but she insisted, and gave me.........£2!!

now, a), I was insulted as I actually didn;t want anything for it, and told her so, but she said she didn;t want to be 'beholden to me for the lift' (I mean, WTF was that all about.......'beholden' ), and b), in my gas guzzler of a car it cost me £20 to do the round trip as she lives half hour away from me, and the hospital she needed is 2mins drive from me, so obviously it was a fair bit of running around.

BUT

she has no idea how much it would have cost(well, had.....I have since had a conversation with her regarding the car and she now knows it does £12 to the gallon[shock).

I think you either need to get your DH to say something, or just accept the £10 with good grace and put it towards some drink at the party.

OrmIrian · 15/01/2009 16:27

YABU and I suspect you know it.

ladymariner · 15/01/2009 16:29

Agree with serenity.

LiffeyKidman · 15/01/2009 16:35

You're really pissed off cos what you meant to say was...

"How generous of you! And such a relief dear MIL, cos £80 is a lot of money so £40 would be greatly appreciated."

Original poster
Tabithacat · 15/01/2009 16:37

Aargh - what to answer first?

Yes, it is because it is her, Yes, I am annoyed because there are other issues. Yes, I do know that IABU. In fact I haven't mentioned it to DH because I know I am wrong to be annoyed...

I wouldn't say anything else to her about this anyway, but it is helpful to get it out!

Although, (and this was never the issue) those who did the "maths" - would you consider it fair to pay the split for the petrol for two of the kids, who have to come like it or not? DH and me + 1 1/2 wage, bil = one wage and mil = one wage - kids = zero? Who thinks what about this?

Also, I only mentioned her financial situation so you wouldn't all have to write - "perhaps she couldn't afford it"

OP posts:
tumtumtetum · 15/01/2009 16:43

Tabitha love your calculations - sounds a bit like a "splitting the bill in restaurants" style conundrum which always gets tempers flared...

tumtumtetum · 15/01/2009 16:44

That should have had a at the end!

LiffeyKidman · 15/01/2009 16:46

Well she is only one fifth of the load in the car, so a tenner is nearly right, IF you give her a pensioner's discount!

Just bite her arm off and say 'yes please' the next time she offers! That'll shock her.

DustyTv · 15/01/2009 16:46

Tabitha, I know how you feel, I also do not say anything to DH (Unless PIL really are being unreasonable) and it is good to get it out here rather than ranting at DH.

It really is horrible isn't when you don't get on with your in-laws, I tried really hard with mine but it just got thrown back in my face, so now I don't bother unless I really have to.

Original poster
Tabithacat · 15/01/2009 16:47

"but then she wouldn't be able to complain about how her well off MIL is contributing nothing to the trip"

Not a fair comment Mayorquimby.

I genuinely don't want any money but was annoyed at the token amount she offered, if she had offered a big amount I would still have turned it down - mainly so she couldn't say that about me! (though neither she nor I are "well off")

I do see now that she was trying to be nice and I was throwing it back at her though.

Note to self - must try harder.

Anyhow, off to cook tea, be back later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabithacat · 15/01/2009 16:49

Quick note to DustyTV - Thanks for your understanding, I could just scream at her sometimes! This just wasn't one of the times that was justified, obviously!

OP posts: