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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I probably am, but dd's sleeping issues are affecting everyone, it seems!

36 replies

Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 15:53

I've posted loads of times about my relationship with my mum, and the fact that she looks after dd two days a week for me.

Now, as I've said a million times before, dd does not believe in sleep, and has co-slept with us since she was 4mo. However, my mum has always managed to get her to sleep during the day in her cot, and nursery manage to get her to sleep in a bed. Generally both without incident.

However, today dd decided that she didn't want to sleep in her cot, so my mum (understandably) brought her back downstairs after twenty minutes of screaming, and let her fall asleep on the sofa at 1.40pm. Now, we have learnt that anything more than an hour is too much sleep during the day (even with an hours' sleep we can't get her to sleep any earlier than 9pm), so I asked my mum at 3.00pm to wake her up. Which she did, and apparently dd was crying when she woke her up. (This also happened last week.)

My mum is now being very abrupt and curt with me, and is clearly upset that I am 'expecting' her to wake dd up, and having to deal with the crying when she does.

Which I also understand.

What the hell am I supposed to do??

OP posts:
dashboardconfessionals · 15/01/2009 16:02

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Divineintervention · 15/01/2009 16:05

I would make it easier for my Mum if she was doing me the favour. My dcs' sleep at night was never affected by daytime naps.
Is it really fair that your Mother should have to put up with a crying child to prevent you the mixed up bedtime?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:08

Divine - that's fine, but my child is affected by daytime naps, so the later she sleeps, the harder it is for me to get her down at a reasonable time.

OP posts:
lizandlulu · 15/01/2009 16:08

its an awkward one, how old is she?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:09

Dashboard - she's 20mo, and I guess it's all a viscious circle, she needs a daytime nap because she doesn't go to bed until 9pm! Most of her peers are still having a daytime nap - is this too old for one?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 15/01/2009 16:10

tricky one.. if she slept for an hour and a half, she would maybe have been deeply asleep and therefore really cross about being woken? maybe a 10 minute power nap would work better?

Lulumama · 15/01/2009 16:11

i don;t think she is too old for a nap at not quite 2 !

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2009 16:12

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ipanemagirl · 15/01/2009 16:16

I think if you're lucky enough to have grandmother care and it suits your mother to have a break then I think that's reasonable. I think when you're looking after her you can dictate, when you're not, you can't!
Sounds harsh but childcare is really hard work and maybe your m needs a little break in the day? Presumably you're not paying her?

LucyEllensmummy · 15/01/2009 16:17

This is a difficult one pinkjenny as i have juggled the whole daytime nap and nighttime bedtime. My DD up until she was 2.5 had quite a long sleep during the day - this suited me because i was working from home at the time. I paid for it in the evenings, and was LUCKY if she went to bed before 9.30. It was a pay off, and as she got older i dropped the nap - bed times are still actually a bit of an issue im afraid. With my DD it didn't really matter how long she slept for, but what time she woke up - anything after 3 and we were buggered so i would have to wake her.

I think that maybe you should have a chat with your mum and ask her what she thinks would be the best plan of action, you could say this is an issue at nursery too even if it isn't so that she doesn't take it personally.

I can sort of understand why she was off with you, being a woman we do take what we percieve to be criticism really personally. So, maybe when you are saying "mum please don't let her sleep past 3", she is hearing "mum, you are making it really hard for me in the evenings and i dont think you are good at looking after DD", when clearly she is, else you wouldnt have her do it yes? That of course is not your fault, you do not want a child that is over tired and irritable because they dont get a good nights sleep.

I think your best bet is to involve your mum, ask her what she thinks etc - thats always a good plan with GPS i find ;)

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:20

I guess the problem with that is:

a) the fact that she is going to bed so late
b) she goes to nursery twice a week and in her room they all still nap
c) my worry that she'd get to about 4pm and be exhausted

The other point is that with my mum letting her sleep so late, she's going to go to bed late, wake up late tomorrow (I'm off tomorrow so she can have a bit of a lie in if she wants), but then mum will have the same problem getting her down tomorrow.

I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:21

No, I'm not paying her. I'm wondering whether it would be best all round (and because of the amount of threads I am starting on this subject lately) to put her in nursery four days a week.

Because if I'm really honest, then yes, I do feel like I should be able to dictate, she's my child.

OP posts:
juuule · 15/01/2009 16:25

Would she have her nap around 10/11am? I bundled mine up and put them in the pushchair and put them outside for a sleep.
Sometimes went for a bit of shopping or short walk and usually they nodded off. Then left them in the pushchair to sleep in the fresh air outside.

Otherwise I'd leave your mum to decide what to do about the nap and you deal with your dd later.

9pm doesn't seem that late after a late nap tbh.

gingerninja · 15/01/2009 16:26

I find with my DD that if you let her sleep for 45 mins or 1 1/2 hours (ie 2 x 45 mins) then she seems to be much happier than being woken say after an hour or an hour and 15. I guess it's a sleep cycle thing, so she's in a light sleep when she's woken.

I generally wouldn't let my DD sleep after 3pm unless I was willing to let her stay up a bit later but it depends if it's a one off or not. Perhaps she was too tired when put to bed. My DD absolutely will not settle if too tired. She will also not go to sleep unless put in the car for a day time nap (unless she's at nursery where somehow she is a completely different child)

I'd say try a couple of different approaches ie try and get her to sleep earlier, let her stay up and see what happens (sometimes a short 15 min burst at 4pm might be enough to get through although I doubt every day), try a different approach to getting her to sleep ie a walk in the buggy or a trip in the car.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:26

9pm is the earliest I can get her down when her nap is more 12.30ish. She only gets up at 7am, so no chance of getting her back to sleep at 10/11am!

OP posts:
juuule · 15/01/2009 16:27

On the days that you're off work could you get her up early anyway and then straighten her routine up that way.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:28

Ginger - that's the only way I can get her to sleep during the day, to put her in the car. But there's no way in the world my mum would do that.

I'll just have to tell her to do whatever she needs to do, and maybe I'll do as you suggest and try a few different approaches.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:29

Juuule - that's another good idea.

OP posts:
juuule · 15/01/2009 16:30

Has your mum tried to put her outside in the pushchair at around 12:30ish(nap time)? Then when she brings her back in a bit later the movement would disturb your dd and start the process of waking up, but gently.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:31

I think I might try and have a chat with her about it later. It's so hard, we have such a wonderful relationship, and I am so so so blessed to have her, but she is so defensive when I try and 'talk' with her about things.

OP posts:
gingerninja · 15/01/2009 16:32

PJ I wouldn't put her in nursery for the extra day to be honest. What she and your mum are getting out of it in terms of a relationship seems much more important than a sleep issue that will probably resolve itself in time. Does it really matter if for one day a week she goes to bed a bit later? You could always wake her at the normal time the next morning to try and get back on track.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:35

Ginger - do you think I might have inherited my mum's defensiveness?

OP posts:
gingerninja · 15/01/2009 16:37

Rather than telling your mum what to do (I can only forsee problems here) ask her to just do what she feels is best on the day (although you can state that you'd rather DD didn't sleep after 3pm for the reason you've suggested and see what happens. Maybe for that one day she may be happy to not nap or your mum will be so frazzled at having to cope with an exceptionally grumpy toddler that she'll offer a solution for the next visit.

gomez · 15/01/2009 16:39

Both my parents and in-laws have helped with all three of our children and I have never felt comfortable in asking either set to wake a child up. It is unfair, we thought, to ask them to deal with a grumpy, tired, whiny child when they were helping us out.

We did of course have to deal with the wide-awake toddler in the evening and used to cope by doing things - go for a walk or the park late or even take them shopping - rather than home for the normal routine.

Also second who ever suggested trying the power nap theory - this works with DS (now 27 months) who I wake after 10 or 15 mins. Not sure either of the girls would have coped. Or would your mum go swimming or the like in the morning so your DD is really tired and would then sleep earlier in the day?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 16:40

I knew that having her so heavily involved in the childcare would present issues, but the benefits are immeasurable.

I suppose I'm just so hung up on the sleep thing that I am terrified of making a bad situation even worse. For me and dh, admittedly.

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