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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH says I can stay in bed he should let me do it!

26 replies

Stefka · 11/01/2009 09:19

Am very tired and grumpy.

DS has been very unsetteed all week and has had me up several times each night and early every day. I do all the nights and mornings as DH works or has college to go to. But he has been off since Thursday afternoon and after another bad night I asked him if he would let me go back to bed once I had fed DS.

He's still in bed. He just wouldn't get up. He's tired because he's was out late with friends on Friday night and out with a friend all day Saturday. He'll be back at college/work tomorrow so today was my only chance to get a lie in. I know they are a luxury when you are a mum but he did say I could have one and now I am really pissed off!

OP posts:
pooka · 11/01/2009 09:21

YANBU. Go and wake him up.

Nemoandthefishes · 11/01/2009 09:21

no he is being out of order. Assuming ds is his then its also his responsibility..the fact he has been on nights out/with friends doesnt mean he cant do his fair share.

Lizzylou · 11/01/2009 09:24

I'd be livid
I think you should arrange a nice childfree day/night out next weekend, with a lie in afterwards. It is your turn

twinklytoes · 11/01/2009 09:27

get him up now

J2O · 11/01/2009 09:32

go kick him! or take lo up to se Daddy to pull his hair

Original poster
Stefka · 11/01/2009 09:37

Ha! I did already try and set DS on him but DH could sleep through an earth quake. I would like to post my address then invite you all round to help.

I was already in a bad mood because yesterday he said he was popping out to help a friend with someething and that he would be back soon at about 10am and did not return until 6pm!

OP posts:
Libralovesbiscuits1975 · 11/01/2009 09:38

YANBU, I don't mind if they work hard all week go to bed early but still need a lie-in, it's when they go to bed late and then lie-in. If you hadn't asked then I would have thought you were being a little unreasonable as men, as much as we sometimes wish it, aren't mind readers but if you have actually asked tAND he agreed then YANBU (in fact even if he hadn't agreed YANBU).
Go kick his lazy butt out of bed.

fizzpops · 11/01/2009 09:50

YANBU he is putting his need to sleep above yours and he has had his chance. If sleep was so important to him then he should go to bed early.

I think you need to have a discussion (not an argument!) about who does what and when. Perhaps he can give you a break during the day if he really feels he can't get up. The coming and going as he pleases has to stop as well, it's not fair. But not ideal to try and deal with each individual occasion it happens you should put some guidelines in place so you both know where you stand.

At the moment he is not behaving like a parent.

choosyfloosy · 11/01/2009 09:52

YANBU. Go up there, roll into bed noisily and shout in his ear 'Your Turn Darling, Take DS Out and Don't Come Back Til 2.' Then bounce on his legs. Whatever it takes.

Monkeyblue · 11/01/2009 09:54

YANBU
Go back to bed and hand him DS "your turn" get back into bed and turn your back on him

Seuss · 11/01/2009 09:55

YANBU - any chance you can sneak off for a nap when he finally awakes? I'd take the afternoon off if I were you!

DH and I alternate lie-ins over the weekend/hols (well 8.30 but hey-ho!) which makes it easier to keep going on a tired day.

Seuss · 11/01/2009 09:56

Give him a wedgie?

cheshirekitty · 11/01/2009 11:16

Put a thin candle wick up his you know what, light it, then wait for him to jump out of bed.

Hand him dc, with instructions not to get you up for 3 hours then go back to bed.

Works every time.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 11/01/2009 11:20

YANBU chuck a glass of water over his face, tell him he's being a selfish tw*t and kick him out of bed. Then get in, roll over and get some much needed shut eye.

juneybean · 11/01/2009 11:38

I agree with chocolate, water works every time!

LoveBeingAMummy · 11/01/2009 11:42

Defo need to get this sorted, alt is what we try and do.

Original poster
Stefka · 11/01/2009 13:04

He's a total plonker.

Went into the room with DS and handed him oveer at half ten saying he needed a nap. Got into bed and started to doze but woke up 45 mins later to hear DS crying and saying Daddy over and over. Got up to find DS dumped in his cot awake and DH sitting on the sofa in DS's room. He said he had been trying to get him to sleep and it hadn't worked so he was just leaving him to cry which he knows I don't do. He could have just taken him down stairs and tried in half an hour or something. Anyway I had to take over again at that point.

To be fair to him he actually has a job on today which I didn't know about (would bloody help if he would tell me these things). I suspect he was meant to do it yesterday mind you when he was out mucking about with his friend.

OP posts:
swiftyknickers · 11/01/2009 13:08

he is takin the piss

Original poster
Stefka · 11/01/2009 13:11

You're not wrong. I am crap at conflict though so have just let it go. Fighting with him is pointless as he'll just get all defensive and nasty.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummy · 11/01/2009 14:11

You need to sort it out when things are quiet rather than here and now do it. Have a chat and say you need to be more equal and agree together whose going to do what when.

skidoodle · 11/01/2009 14:22

He came back 8 hours late yesterday?

He gets defensive and nasty when you stick up for yourself?

What a prize

You don't have to let anything go. In fact you need to figure out how to start communicating better and sharing the family workload more fairly or you two are going to end up with serious relationship resentments that can't be fixed.

This won't be fixed with a "chat". I think you should ask him to go for relationship counselling to figure this out because this is about a lot more than one missed lie in. If he won't go I think you should consider going anyway so you don't take this kind of crappy behaviour and just decide you will let it go because he will be such an asshole to you if you don't just take it. You need to learn how to stick up for yourself better.

BTW "He said he had been trying to get him to sleep and it hadn't worked so he was just leaving him to cry which he knows I don't do"

is also worrying. You don't do it?

Not "we don't do it"? Does he get any say in how his son is raised?

I'm not saying he was right to just dump your son as he did (he was doing the childcare equivalent of breaking dishes so you don't get asked to was up again) but that makes it sound like he has no input on decisions things like how to approach it if your DS won't settle etc.

Original poster
Stefka · 11/01/2009 14:29

I would like to think he has an equall say although perhaps I need to check that he feels the same way. We do disagree on the leaving him to cry issue but as I do all the night stuff then it is always me dealing with it anyway. I worry that he tends to get really irritated when DS won't do something such as going to sleep when he wants him to. I feel that DS is just a baby (he's 14 months) and if he doesn't take a nap then he's not being naughty just can't get to sleep.

I would like to learn how to deal with conflict better as at the moment I tend to avoid it as it feels too difficult for me. DH is not always like this but we do seem to go through patches that are really difficult.

OP posts:
prettybutterfly · 11/01/2009 18:22

Stefka, what a great idea. You're a very wise woman. I think getting clued up on tactics for handling confrontations without arguing is terrific idea.

Are books your thing? There's one called 'Take the Bully by the Horns' by Sam Horn (apt name) which is useful.

Not to say your partner is a bully exactly, but his behaviour is already not acceptable, and if you leave it unchallenged it may get worse.

Good luck!

Original poster
Stefka · 11/01/2009 19:02

I am a bit of a book girl yes so I will see what the local library has to offer! I am horribly passive which isn't good for anyone really and I certainly don't want DS growing up thinking that is how he should behave (either my behaviour or DH's).

OP posts:
prettybutterfly · 11/01/2009 20:38

You sound totally sane and together about it, and I admire your bravery too, tackling it head on like this. Good for you!