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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

do people normally do this?

64 replies

mackenseee · 08/01/2009 23:15

Hi, I was round at a friends for dinner recently with my DD who is five. She wasn't eating as she had eaten earlier and was sitting on the floor playing with her ds. My friend's husband expected her to sit with us (I presume as his DD who is three was sitting and eating) and without saying anything to me or her just walked over to her, switched off her ds, picked her up and put her at the table.

Maybe I am being a bit precious about this but I was a bit shocked. I didn't say anything because anything I'd say would sound rude but I felt like saying 'She's five, if she wants to join us or I want her to I'll ask her to come and she can walk!!'

But I didn't and maybe you'll disagree and he was right?

OP posts:

Original poster

mackenseee · 08/01/2009 23:30

because I hadn't seen the other post till just now! Honestly this was Christmas time we visited them and we're planning another trip in the Spring. My daughter is really well behaved and did just sit there. It was him just acting without speaking that bothered me really.

OP posts:

beanieb · 08/01/2009 23:31

OK - no I won't

Mackenseee - some questions so I can decide if YABU.

Why did you feed your child before going to dinner with someone?

TequilaMockinBird · 08/01/2009 23:31

And first posted tonight

Call me cynical if you like but my trolldar is going haywire

Original poster

mackenseee · 08/01/2009 23:33

why I fed her is because she eats early and this was an adult meal. I didn't think many 5 year olds ate at 8pm, I know my DD is too tired by then to eat.

OP posts:

CatchaStar · 08/01/2009 23:34

This is bizarre, this has been done before. MN's getting a tad strange of late......

Original poster

mackenseee · 08/01/2009 23:35

I can't really be bothered to answer if you think I'm a troll, cos I'm not. Just genuinely interested in the question. I'm not a big fan of ds either, I do limit her use on it. I do think they are anti social. She tends to use it either on car journeys and in this case when she was getting tired and at the end of an evening for her.

OP posts:

beanieb · 08/01/2009 23:36

maybe mmsnet is so strange because we are all on such troll alert, and maybe sometimes people with genuine problems which are similar to old ones are pounced on and declared 'troll' for no reason. it's a shame.

I don't know what to believe.

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/01/2009 23:37

Well read the responses on the other thread, and if there's anything else you want to know, come back here.

Oh, and prove you're not a troll.

Original poster

mackenseee · 08/01/2009 23:38

dunno how to prove I'm not a troll!! find it a bit bizarre really!!

Just a genuine question. Don't know if my questions are the same as other one as that seems a bit more complicated...

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 08/01/2009 23:39

Assuming you're not a troll;
Yes, I'd be pissed off too if someone manhandled my child like that without a word. Surely he would have been better off saying something to you first, so you had a chance to say "DD, would you mind sitting at the table with us".
Maybe you should bring it up with your friend before you go and stay because if it happens again it could lead to resentment and a possible falling out with your friends.

Original poster

mackenseee · 08/01/2009 23:45

LyraSilvertongue (good name btw) - I don't know how to bring it up with my friend without it sounding really confrontational ..ie your husband did this...etc.

But it has got me in the mindset of being more defensive/protective towards my DD for the next time which might not be a good thing.

Also as I feel he dislikes the ds it makes me more inclined to bring it next time just to show that I'm not giving in just cos he doesn't like it. Maybe that's a bit pathetic?

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 09/01/2009 00:10

I wouldn't take the ds for the sake of a harmonious visit. You could mention it to your friend, just say you felt a bit odd/uncomfortable about it and were worried that it might happen again and could she have a quiet word.

skramblenotdieting · 09/01/2009 00:14

I was totally confused I thought the husband has switched of their darling son (ds) and picked up the wife and sat her at the table LOL

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 09/01/2009 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

llareggub · 09/01/2009 00:20

Personally I think your DD should have sat at the table. To sit playing on a games console is anti-social, as you rightly say, and if the 3 year old can manage it, so can your 5 year old.

LyraSilvertongue · 09/01/2009 00:25

I agree she should have been sitting at the table but the issue is that the husband just marched over without a word, switched off the ds, picked up the child and put her where he wanted her, which is just downright rude. I would do that to my own DS if I'd asked him to come to the table and he'd ignored me, but not to someone else's without even asking them first.

PavlovtheCat · 09/01/2009 00:29

I have read this almost exact thread before .

PavlovtheCat · 09/01/2009 00:31

OK - my last post was prior to reading any other posts referring to troll. I was not necessarily jumping on the troll bandwagon, I posted that I have read this before somewhere on MN, as I have. I make no assumptions about the poster...

PavlovtheCat · 09/01/2009 00:34

IF this is not a troll - I personally have no problem with a good friend of mine moving my child to the dinner table, if he felt it appropriate, whether or not she had eaten.

Meals are a social occasion, and different people deal with these social occasions differently, my friends included.

'Discpline' actually means 'to teach' and I do not mind my child being taught by people other than me, in ways other than me. If DD was unhappy about this, and it caused a scene, I would address it, in some way, most likely to ask her to join us for a few minutes. DD needs to be 'taught' about other people's needs and wishes as well as our own. Anything else is just precious.

nula · 09/01/2009 00:44

I would not have let my 5yo sit playing a ds in the same room as a young child eating at the table,nor would most parents I know , or maybe I have misunderstood something about the situation?

Any friend of mine would probably know I would think like this , so them lifting her to the table would be seen as helping me out.

Sounds like your friend misjudged you ( as you are clearly not comfortable with what he did, and that is entirely your right to be uncomfortable)

over all not really a big deal.

What did you think of the responses on the other thread?

MarmadukeScarlet · 09/01/2009 01:05

I am obviously on a completely different planet to most folk as I have several issues...

A 5 yr old being up at 8pm (and some if you sat down to eat at 8) when she has school tomorrow.

A 5 yr old having a DS.

Having a DS because all the other children in the class have one.

KnickersOnMaHead · 09/01/2009 03:32

Message withdrawn

Portofino · 09/01/2009 05:53

Maybe the 2 posters have a mutual friend who is a stickler for table etiquette!

Now that would be funny.

HelenBurns · 09/01/2009 06:58

Hi Mackenseee,

Fwiw I recognised the scenario immediately from the other thread but considering MN has thousands of new posts every day it's not that unlikely that a similar if less complex situation might arise again is it?

I don't see any other posts by yourself though, why have you namechanged?

I think the situation you describe is a difficult one as nobody is really in the wrong, I think you need to just get over it and if you dislike him for other reasons, avoid going there in future.

HTH

Littlefish · 09/01/2009 07:01

Sorry, but it was inappropriate for your dd to be playing with a ds in front of the other child. If this was a good friend, I wouldn't have a problem with them asking my child to come to the table. Not sure I like the picking up bit though.

Generally, I think you are the one who was being unreasonable though. It wouldn't have killed your dd to come and sit at the table with you while you ate at least the main course - she's 5, not 2. It's just good manners as far as I'm concerned. Did they know in advance that she wouldn't be eating with you all? As a host, I would have been pissed off if I'd invited people to dinner, and their child just played instead of coming to the table. Why didn't you just give your dd a snack at 5.00pm. You knew you were going to be eating later.

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