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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to resent a man looking after *his own kids* being referred to as "babysitting"?

56 replies

TaurielTest · 08/01/2009 11:40

Aiigh! Have heard this three times in the past week (from different people, talking about different children/dads) - the first time I thought I'd heard wrong, the second time I made a sarky remark along the lines of "oh no, he's too busy with our son to look after anyone else's children right now" (this was the only time it was about my DP not some other dad), and the third time I just gave up and boggled.
Do people say this all the time and I've just tuned it out until now?

OP posts:
ChristmasPenguin · 08/01/2009 12:49

YANBU. For some reason I always say thank you when DP takes DS overnight, he never thanks me though. Same goes for washing up, cleaning the bathroom etc. I'm a mug!

IorekByrnison · 08/01/2009 12:57

Dp does this. Your post has made me realise how irritating I always find it, but I've never brought it up because it seemed too trivial. YABU because now we'll have to have a row about it

Lotster · 08/01/2009 13:34

Find it hard to get worked up over really.

If we are both invited out with mutual friends and decide just one of us goes (because we can't get a sitter or just don't want to) we say the other didn't come because they are "babysitting". Works both ways in our house. Plus sounds better and more official than "yeah she/he just couldn't be arsed to come to your drinks"

Original poster
TaurielTest · 08/01/2009 13:35

Soo glad it's not just me. sorry about the row though iorek...
And I totally agree on the toxic "for me/you" as well - sounds so innocuous, but sends the message that everything domestic is automatically mummy's job

OP posts:
trulyscrumptious43 · 08/01/2009 13:40

Yeah. Babysitting is what my daughter does for other kids for pocket money. We don't refer to it in our (single parent) household as babysitting when she looks after her brother, I say that she is Looking After him for me!

I HATE it when men refer to looking after thier own kids as babysitting, this is part of society's ingrained attitude that the responsibilty doesn't fall to them unless they specifially request it to!

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 08/01/2009 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2009 15:33

yabbu

my bf dh says that all the time

my dh calls him up to go out for beer etc and he says, cant go out, im babysitting - to which my dh says,no, dont be a twat - you are not baby sitting, you are looking after your own children

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2009 15:34

yanbu - should say

Lotster · 08/01/2009 15:47

tbh I have friends who would kill for their partners to turn down a beer to look after their kids, whatever they call it!

Lilybeto · 08/01/2009 15:49

yanbu - i can't stand this either

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2009 15:50

bf dh didnt have a choice, his wife was out with me he HAD to baby sit look after his own children or they would have been left alone

or trust me, he would have been out like a shot with my dh

colacubes · 08/01/2009 15:57

Its a weird thing, its in the same ball park as I'll wash up for you????

YANBU

Lotster · 08/01/2009 16:00

Blondes - now that i've realised you didn't mean your breastfeeding Dh and in fact your best friend's DH, I say damned right!

Although the former would be an ideal solution all round..

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 08/01/2009 16:02

DS dad and I sometimes refer to it as babysitting in a jokey way, mainly because DS dad doesn't live with me and DS yet comes to our house to look after DS when I am having a night out, so he is the Free Babysitter.
But I do agree with the ones who think it is a bit insidious when it's only used about fathers - it does feed the assumption that childcare is women's work and men can just go out whenever they want.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2009 16:09

lotser - bf has many meanings - but in this time bf was my best friend

as athene says,babysitting is looking after children for reward - usually money but maybe sex if dh does it

if you are a parent and at home, you are looking after your children - NOT babysitting!!

Lotster · 08/01/2009 16:18

Funny, my husband always says he's "looking after" our son, whereas it's usually me who uses the term babysitting!

Is it not a bit, dare I say it uptight to care about such a thing though? Just the use of the word I mean, it is just a word that means you have a child in your care isn't it? Although I definately agree with any extra slaps on the back or admiration a man might get for doing it, if it's just expected of women... That's definately worth getting pissed off over.

Like when my son was tiny, I'd had a hell of a day and my husband put him down for his evening nap (as he often still does and why not?). My dad called and I told him wher OH was, and he said "poor

Marthasmama · 08/01/2009 16:18

I don't mind calling it babysitting if I can get paid for staying in all the time with my baby! Otherwise it is a ridiculous term to apply to caring for your own children. Especially if the hideous 'for you' is added.

Lotster · 08/01/2009 16:20

That should say "I definately dis-agree with any extra slaps on the back .."

sfxmum · 08/01/2009 16:22

DH used to really resent such comments while he was briefly a SAHD as in
'so when does your babysitting time end?'

he would sort of go purple

J2O · 08/01/2009 16:22

Totally agree! YANBU!

Takver · 08/01/2009 16:27

Hmm, I would use it as a phrase myself - as in, "I can't come out on Thursday nights because DH is at choir & I have to babysit".
I would say that if one parent is tied to the home specifically at a particular time then it isn't unreasonable to refer to it as babysitting.
Sadly its not something I say often as getting DH out of the house on his own is like moving the proverbial mountain

BitOfFun · 08/01/2009 16:35

It gives me the irrits too, but I guess some people do use it as a neutral term to apply to either parent home alone. I tend to say "I'm stuck in", which is probably worse

When I lived in Scotland, people would use the phrase "watching" rather than babysitting, and it came across better. Conjures up images of chaos being casually observed by parent sat in front of the telly, so it's more accurate too...

nappyaddict · 09/01/2009 18:00

YANBU annoys the hell out of me too.

nappyaddict · 09/01/2009 18:05

Also I've noticed people only tend to use it if it's at nighttime. You wouldn't say you were babysitting in the daytime cos your OH is at work would you?

alarkaspree · 09/01/2009 18:10

I can see everyone's point but I'm with Blondie and Bran. I would say dh was babysitting in the evening if I was going out without him, if he was going out I'd say I was babysitting. It just seems like the word that you use when you are somewhere you wouldn't otherwise be for the purpose of looking after children who are asleep. During the day it would be 'looking after' though. If Dh and I are both invited to an event, it would be more likely that he stays at home and I go out, and he wouldn't act like he was doing me a big favour. Maybe that's why it doesn't bother me?

The 'for you' thing is awful though.

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