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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

honest required please.

31 replies

pamelat · 07/01/2009 14:29

I am often unreasonable so please be brutally honest.

Its my cousin's 30th bday later this month. She is having a night out, she lives 3 hours from me.

We were invited and accepted.

The meal is on the Saturday night. My first day back at work after a years maternity leave is on the Monday. I hadn't thought about this at the time, months ago.

Originally we had a babysitter and were going to leave DD (11.5 months) with GP's. This is no longer an option and to be honest I want to spend that "last" weekend with her. I am feeling quite anxious about leaving her.

I contacted my cousin (we are close, she was my brides maid) and explained that we would have DD and that I did not want to be without her that weekend. I suggested that maybe we come up the Friday night instead and have some time with them and all day Saturday but head back before the meal on Saturday.

The Friday night we could stay at theirs, the Saturday night requires a hotel. DH has just been made redundant so even cost wise I prefer the Friday night option, but she does not.

I offered to just drive down for the Saturday day too but she definately wants me at the meal. This just is not possible with DD?????

She has found someone (who I don't know) to babysit in our hotel room (not yet booked) on the Saturday evening but DD is fairly sensitive and will wake if someone (especially a stranger) is in the room with the TV or lights on. Also this would be extra cost but she has offered to pay half. DH, however, does not want an unknown babysitter and I can see his point.

DH has now offered to sit in our hotel room with DD and says he is happy ish to just let me go for the meal, but I am not sure whether I should take him up on this or put my foot down with my cousin and tell her that only the Friday night or Saturday night are our options.

She is being nice but persistent. She does not have children.

What do you think? Or AIBU to think about backing out of my cousins 30th when it clearly means so much to her?

OP posts:
Alambil · 07/01/2009 14:30

Your money, your kid, your decision

she can't MAKE you go!

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 07/01/2009 14:31

Why don't you just go up for the meal - and save money by leaving dh at home with dd.

mrsmaidamess · 07/01/2009 14:31

It sounds like you are talking yourself out of it. Whats wrong with your dh sitting in the room while you have the meal? If its HER birthday, HER invitaion, I don't think you are in a position to call the shots about what arrangements would suit you best. Either go, and enjoy, or politely decline.

Iklboo · 07/01/2009 14:32

YANBU - she is BU. I know her 30th means a lot to her but I'm afraid little ones come first.
Can you arrange for a special 'girly' night another time with just the two of you?

rubyslippers · 07/01/2009 14:32

i agree with Mrsmaidamess

CatMandu · 07/01/2009 14:32

I think you are being a bit pfb and therefore YABU she clearly wants you there and is really putting a lot of effort into getting your there.

Iklboo · 07/01/2009 14:32

Sorry meant she is a bit unreasonable

petitmaman · 07/01/2009 14:33

i think she is trying to help but if you feel you cant go just say she is being really kind and that you are really sorry but... maybe make more of a thing of the redundancy side of it as she may be able to understand that more?

MuthaHubbard · 07/01/2009 14:33

same as lauriefairy, leave dh/dd at home and go for the meal

Flier · 07/01/2009 14:33

I think that, if you really want to go you should go yourself and leave dh with dd in the hotel. Your friend has no idea how priorities change once dcs come along, so she's probably acting fairly reasonably (well dc-less anyway).
I'm sure its not worth falling out over.

Original poster
pamelat · 07/01/2009 14:35

whats pfb about not wanting DD babysat by a stranger? Or is something else pfb? I dont have an option but to take DD that weekend. My parents will be on the other side of the world and my in laws are no longer available.

I dont mind leaving DH in the room, just thinking its unfair on him.

I could drive for just the meal but it would mean a 6 hour round trip journey, would rather stay over night really.

I probably will go but I think DH in the room is the only option as I am not sure about the strange babysitter option? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Notreallycutoutforthis · 07/01/2009 14:35

I don't know whether you ABU, but it sounds to me like she might be making all the effort to get you there because maybe she thinks you're being a bit too PFB about DD... Have you been out much over the last year? And what's the childcare arrangement for going back to work if DD is a bit sensitive?

Original poster
pamelat · 07/01/2009 14:38

I prefer DH in hotel room with DD, rather than me travelling 6 hours in a car for a meal.

Originally the plan was for us to stay at hers but there are too many people at her house now.

I would have thought that she would be happy to spend all day Saturday with us instead and us to clear off about 6pm ish so that she can get ready, but she does not.

I will suggest DH staying in hotel room with DD and see what she says.

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 07/01/2009 14:38

Stay at home with your child. Tell her you have a change of plan. I would not go for a 3hr drive just to go to a birthday party for an adult, especially not a cousin!

Flier · 07/01/2009 14:39

is going yourself an option? Then maybe you could stay at friends house and thereby cut costs on hotel room?

brainache · 07/01/2009 14:42

Hi,

Im sorry but at the end of the day its only a meal. Im 30 next yr and if a family member could not attend and said about coming up another day i would be very happy that you wanted to come up. As a 30yr old she should understand that being made redundent and having to look after a wife and child is not cheap esp with the money situation atm. I would say to her you'll see her on friday night or sat day but thats it.

Would she, if she was married and with child, be the same?? Would she still come?

Sorry but i have had enough of family - they come down on you but when its the other way around its a different story.
Oh and as for the 'She has found someone (who I don't know) to babysit in our hotel room (not yet booked) on the Saturday evening ' - I would not even entertain the idea.

I hope you can work it out

Original poster
pamelat · 07/01/2009 14:43

She is a close cousin, we grew up living more or less next door and I really like her We are more sister like I guess but we only see one another 3 times a year or so.

If I go by myself its a 6 hour drive, no room at her house as her sister and some other people are staying.

With it being 6 hours I wanted to make longer of it really. If DD and DH are with me we could have a day out too.

OP posts:
SuperSillyus · 07/01/2009 14:45

I wouldn't leave my children with a stranger. It all sounds a bit much. If your dh stays in the hotel you can have a nice little break and morning together in the hotel before going back to work. I'd go for that, you can return the favour for dh some time.

squeaver · 07/01/2009 14:47

Honestly, if you really don't want to go, don't go. If you do want to go, go on your own and leave your dh at home with the lo (why waste money on a hotel room for him to just sit in in the dark?) or revert to your original grandparents babysitting idea.

It sounds like she does want you there and is just coming up with ideas to try to make it happen. But if you really don't want to go just tell her, honestly, the reason why and hope that's an end to it.

She may not like it, though, and you should be prepared for that.

MerryMadMarg · 07/01/2009 14:47

Well, I think you are being unreasonable. Your cousin, who you have said is a good friend as well, really wants you to celebrate her 30th with her. She is important to you, and you should try to find a way to make it work. If you couldn't, that would be understandable, but your DH has offered to stay in the room with your DD and let you go to the dinner alone. What's wrong with that? You'd rather let your very good friend/cousin down rather than let your DH spend a boring evening in a hotel with your DD?

Yes, when you have a child you have other priorities, but you are going to be very sad and lonely if you make no effort at all to keep your good friendships going. Your cousin has gone all out to try and help you, but that doesn't seem to matter to you at all.

squeaver · 07/01/2009 14:48

And I'm guessing the reason she doesn't like the daytime idea is because she's planning to send the day getting ready for her big night out. There's nothing wrong with that, surely?

Original poster
pamelat · 07/01/2009 14:50

OK reasonable and unreasonable people

DH can sit with DD in a hotel room. We will spend Saturday day pottering around as family and he can have room service and an early night. We need a hotel room as at midnight its going to be too late to drive 3 hours home, especially with DD in tow and up at 6am.

Am looking now for cheap rooms, have seen de vere have a £19 sale on.

OP posts:
Picante · 07/01/2009 14:50

It's only your cousin, and it's only her 30th. Don't beat yourself up about it. She'll get over it.

Original poster
pamelat · 07/01/2009 14:52

Merrymadmarg, I think its a bit harsh to say that it "doesnt seem to matter" to me at all. Surely it matters to me which is why I am bothering to find out honest opinions rather than just tell her no

OP posts:
MerryMadMarg · 07/01/2009 15:08

Maybe it was a bit harsh, but you seemed to be throwing obstacles upon obstacles in the way of this party. If you were my cousin, I would have thought that my friendship just didn't matter very much at all. I'm glad you have decided to go. Make sure that the room has decent tv, and your DH should have fun!