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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DP to follow his dream?

29 replies

jemsie · 07/01/2009 12:24

I'm desperate for some impartial advice and hope some of you can offer your opinions...

My DP wants to leave his well paid, secure job and re-train to become a furniture maker. He loves being creative and working with wood and hates his current job which involves sitting behind a desk all day.

If he did this it would involve us moving out of London (which in some respects I am keen to do), however I have a good job which I generally enjoy - I'm happy to consider getting another job but my options are quite limited outside of London. The course he wants to do takes 2 years - in which time I would have to be the main breadwinner, although he might be able to work a couple of days a week.

I'm a relatively cautious person and quite realistic whereas he is very idealistic which I admire - but it couses problems. Im worried about him actually being able to make money being a furniture maker after the course has finished. Whenever I bring this up he says I am not being supportive.

We are also keen to start a family but obviously if he does this it'll be a few years before we can even think about that. We are both 26. His current job, whilst boring, is not stressful (he is always home by 5 - way before me!) and pays him £30,000. Im not matierialistic in the slightest but would hate to give up everything and be really struggling for money. I feel like there could be a compromise i.e. he finds another job but does an evening course or something but he wanst to just go for it and make a career from urniture, not just have it as a hobbie.

I dont want to be a big crusher of dreams but am finding it hard to be positive about this. AIBU? we are both still young - should I just go with it?? Help!!

OP posts:

hertsnessex · 07/01/2009 12:26

if u can financially support you both whilst he is doing his course then go for it if u r happy to.

if you have no DC's yet - then even more reason for him to do this before he has real financial responsibilities.

laweaselmys · 07/01/2009 12:30

It seems like it's the money that's really bothering you. (Fair enough in this climate) Could you afford to save up for say two years a high percentage of his salary to get you through lean years whilst he is studying, and reassure you that there is a back up? Could he study part time in London so it would take longer, but your salary would still be assured?

I have to be honest, I have heard a lot of furniture makers have been going bust, as hand made furniture is a luxury item and not doing v well at the moment. So I think you need to both think about this very very practically, how much would everything cost how much could you live on a year (and how much money would you need put aside to feel safe) what will he do if he is unsuccessful?

DaddyJ · 07/01/2009 12:33

If he gets home at 5 and his job is not stressful
he should have no problems fitting in furniture making as a hobby first,
before taking the big jump.

beaniebaby25 · 07/01/2009 12:33

Hmm. I'm the same age as you Jemsie and think that although you're being understandably cautious, if you don't try and support his ambitions (or be seen to ) he might get to 35-40 and still be unhappy in his job, and ultimately resent you for not being supportive etc earlier on when he didnt have as many responsibilities and was able to re-train.

Maybe see if you can help him do some research into what kind of salary he can expect once he's qualified (would he be running his own workshop, or working for a supplier? for eg) and have a long chat about what it means for the both of you (with regards to starting a family etc).

Interestingly, my DP and I are in a similar situation but reversed. I'd like to re-train in the next year or so to become a teacher and my DP would be the main breadwinner during that time (and for some considerable period after, what with teachers' wages etc). He's said that he'd support me even thought it might put on hold our plans to have children (which I'm also keen to do soon) as he knows it will make me happier having a more fulfilling career, which utlimately will make our partnership happier and stronger.

That was a roundabout way of saying I think you should do your utmost to support him, and help him understand what it means for both of you, your goals, and how it affects your dreams (having children).

hope that helps?

CountessDracula · 07/01/2009 12:37

I would say that at his age he should go for it. Otherwise it will be too late.

I think furniture making would be great. If he could do something more specific that is a rare skill eg become a cabinet maker and restorer of old furniture/clock cases etc he would be well in demand and make good money AND be self employed which would stand you in good stead for having children wrt flexibility etc.

EachPeachPearMum · 07/01/2009 12:37

You have to do something like this before you have children.
Why not sit down, talk about what the financial implications are, and set a timeline- ie if he isn't making a solid business of it by such and such (3 years hence, or 2015, whatever) then he goes back and gets a job.

People who follow their dreams tend to be happier and more fulfilled, and do not sit around wondering 'what if?' all the time.

I let DH do it years ago- and now he is happy, I am happy, and more to the point when we did start a family we were fully ready for it and he is a great father.

OrmIrian · 07/01/2009 12:38

26 is still very young. I'd say let him go ahead. You have time to make mistakes still. My DH retrained as a teacher at 31. It's perfectly possible.

EachPeachPearMum · 07/01/2009 12:39

And as CD says- very flexible too in terms of being around for DD etc.

OrmIrian · 07/01/2009 12:41

Might also add that DH didn't become a teacher (thinking about going back to it now and is an LSA - 12 yrs after he initially trained). He was a self-employed carpenter for much of the time. And the flexibility was great.

Does mean that you will probably have to work constantly though. If that wasn't your plan I can see you might not be happy.

meemar · 07/01/2009 12:43

Agree that if he wants to do this, and you can support him, then now is the time.

You are both young. DH and I left our jobs and went travelling at 28, which was relatively old for backpackers, but we knew that if we didn't do it then, we never would once the babies came along.

He may be very successful, or he may decide it's not what he thought. But at least he won't be taking that gamble in 10 years when you have a family to support.

Good luck to you both

Clarissimo · 07/01/2009 12:45

Is there a way of turning it around so you both benefit?

What I mean is- I was in your DH's position and took time out for a degree, supported by DH. Our plans have been a bit scuppered by events that are not in any way related but the plan (and it will happen one day) is that I take on the burdens whilst he does something for himself (a degree in his beloved electronics to be precise)

Is there a secret plan you have? Years at home with children, further study, atravelling that you can bargain in?

batters · 07/01/2009 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

jemsie · 07/01/2009 13:17

Thanks so much for all your replies - its helpful to hear things from an objective point of view!

I think him studying with me working will be fine and perfectly managable. I guess I'm more worried about after - esp in the current climate. He wants to make beautiful bespoke furniture, but I just think this might be a bit unrealistic. we know a couple of people who did the same course and they now work as kitchen fitters - not that theres anything wrong with that at all - its just I know its not really what he wants to do.

As you can see Im a bit negative which clashes a bit with his enthusiasm!

At least if you go into teaching, beaniebaby, then you know there is a good/rewarding career for you at the end of it!

OP posts:

yomellamoHelly · 07/01/2009 13:25

I gave up my job in London in '99 to retrain in massage. Dh was really supportive. He encouraged me to take the leap (I REALLY hated my job), paid the bills for a year and completely went with the flow for years afterwards. We started our family in 2003 and I've not done it since (I feel I got it out of my system). But I still remember how brill he was about it and it made me feel much closer to him. I was 27. We married in 2000.
So I guess I'm saying you should let him go for it and help him where you're able. What will be will be ....

beaniebaby25 · 07/01/2009 13:28

true, jemsie, albeit poorly paid!

Depending on what exposure he's got, contacts in the design world etc, he could make a killing making bespoke furniture for really high-end clients. i dont know whereabouts you're living (or plan to live after he's done he's trained) but you'll likely need to be somewhere fairly 'cosmopolitan' (eugh, hate that word) for him to make a decent living out of bespoke furniture. (have some experience in this field, well DP does anyway). Wealthy clients is the key. he might need to do some work experience too to get the contacts he may need. this might not really be relevant though... just thinking aloud (or typing... YGWIM!)

beaniebaby25 · 07/01/2009 13:30

that's if he wants to do that kind of furniture making... i'm assuming with my previous post. just worth thinking about the local market etc...

midnightexpress · 07/01/2009 13:37

I think you should encourage him to go for it. As the others have said, it will be so much harder when you're older and have kids and other responsibilities (I'm 42, and trying to retrain through distance learning, work p-t and have two toddlers so talking from experience here). DP also does a job he hates and is good at something else, which is far more creative and poorly paid - it's very hard to see him having to do the 'right' thing, for purely financial reasons, and I know he wishes he'd knuckled down to what he really wanted to do years ago so that by now he might be able to do it professionally. It can crush a soul to spend a lifetime doing something they hate.

lalalonglegs · 07/01/2009 14:20

He's young, it's doable, I think you should give him a chance BUT he should try to speak to some furniture makers first to see how realistically he could make money/a career out of it. Either start a family first and let him be main carer or let him study and think about family further down line. Bear in mind also that if he is wanting to train at Parnham, I'm pretty sure the fees are very expensive so he may have to save first.

Pitchounette · 07/01/2009 14:22

Message withdrawn

alicet · 07/01/2009 14:23

I would also say to go for it - I agree with others who say if he is going to retrain it has to be now before you have more responsibilities.

Agree with the poster who said that you can make this work for you as a kind of 'if I support you now later on I would like to do x' if that makes it easier?

I am incredibly lucky to be doing a job I love and i still find it hard to motivate myself sometimes! Dh is doing a job he hates - frankly I would give my right are for him to find something he loved only he doesn't know what that is. Watching him struggle with it is crap.

If you support him in this i think you will reap the rewards of living with someone who is happy and fulfilled and also loves you even more for supporting him to follow his dream.

Original poster

jemsie · 07/01/2009 15:16

Its good to hear other peoples stories - esp those from the 'other side'. Plus I like the idea of it being a kind of trade off - i.e. if in a few years time I wanted to take some time out to retrain then he would support me.

My parents are very against the whole thing, and so its good to get other (more positive) perspectives!

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 07/01/2009 15:27

I would say 'go with the dream'-you only get one life, you don't want to spend it doing something that isn't fulfilling-especially when you are both so young.

BrownSuga · 07/01/2009 15:36

Does he have a backup plan? ie, can he take the time out of his current career, and if it doesn't work out with the furniture, slot back into it? If it isn't working out how long is he willing to stick with it, before he does something else? Has he done research into the type of furniture he wants to make, input from him, and sales value (eg a business model)? These would be my main concerns.

I occasionally mention to DH to follow his dream, but he loves his current job so much, that he's happy to put it off indefinitely!

choosyfloosy · 07/01/2009 15:44

My dh gave up a well-paying job to work for himself when ds was 2 - our income dropped by 70% which was quite tough at first, though we are lucky that we still got by OK. I also have changed tack - leaving a job I had a love-hate relationship with to retrain. Our income dropped by a further 10%.

We are both incomparably happier with life as it is now. TBH I think now is the time for him to do this - before you have children. Even if he has to work much of the time as a kitchen fitter/general carpenter, and perhaps only has 1 or 2 jobs a year as a cabinet maker, I can't believe that he still won't be happier that way. Some people can earn a living as a cabinet maker - why not him? Nothing's wasted - my dh did a year long ago as an accountant, he loathed it, but it makes life a lot easier running his own busines. Perhaps skills from the job he is leaving will make him a really brilliant cabinetmaker.

I would talk with him on the basis that you do support what he wants to do, and that you now need to discuss timing, money and ways and means. Do you want to have a baby now? Do you need to stay in London while he does the course (tbh if he can work two days a week while he studies that's not at all bad?)

It all sounds incredibly exciting - welcome to the next phase of your lives!

Nekabu · 07/01/2009 15:49

To reassure you (and so that he has an idea himself!) can he research into people who are making similar furniture to the type he would be doing and look at what sort of prices they are commanding and, if they're companies, having a peek at their records at Companies House to get a rough idea of what turnover can be?

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