AIB a nagger and a party-pooper?

[Sophiechen]

This is totally trivial, but I'd be curious to hear other people's opinions.

My DH and I have a great relationship overall, but sometimes I feel like such an old nagger. Just realised that in the last 24 hours I've nagged at him on at least three different occasions when in fact each time he was doing something quite kind.

1. He went to the supermarket with our 4-year-old DS. I met them at the checkout and found that DS was sitting in the shopping trolley. I said "Don't you think it's a bit gross to have him sitting in there with his outdoor shoes on?" (The walk to the supermarket is quite gritty and muddy, apart from whatever else might be on his shoes.) He agreed that yes, actually, it was.

2. We gave a DS a (by our standards quite expensive) new bike for his birthday, which he hasn't had much chance to practice riding yet, so the two of them went outside this morning to have a go. After twice seeing DH ride past on it ("demonstrating" how to do it ) I leaned out of the window and tried to point out lightheartedly that it probably wasn't in the bike's best interests.

3. Yesterday he washed the kitchen floor. He doesn't like using the mop so he used a dishcloth instead. When I noticed the used cloth on the washing pile this morning, I asked him not to use that kind for the floors because they're meant for the kitchen surfaces. He agreed in a long-suffering frustrated tone.

So, would these things bother you and what would you do about it?

(Should add, he works more than fulltime and I only do sporadic bits of freelance work, so although he is very hand-on when he's here, day-to-day domestic and family stuff feels very much like my domain.)

agree with edam and dittany.

My OH nags me about doing things his way and it is very wearing. I get to the point of wanting to say 'if you think I can't even take my child to the shop/wipe the floor/etc then forget it I'm going on strike'

When my OH does things that annoy me I just slag him off in my head until I feel better

That said, OH started putting up some pictures this time last year and I spent yesterday repeatedly nagging him until he helped me finish it, and he thanked me for nagging him into it, so sometimes nagging has its place!

YABU - you are a nagger. You say that you and your dH have a good relationship, as he seems to pull his weight around the home and with the children, whats really at the core of your problem. Its seems to me you are just nit picking because you either don't like/love him anymore, or are fedup and bored with your lot in life, and this is your outlet.

ninedragons - tbh it'd be a relief, at least then he could shift half his clutter to someone else's gaff. Or would that merely give him an opportunity to collect more clutter? I tell you, it's like Steptoe's blooming yard round here, if Steptoe had moved into the digital age.

Oh, and Alibear - it's only the same guy if that pile is replicated in dozens of other places throughout the house. At least one pile on the floor in every room. And some piles from floor to ceiling...

(Not that I'm trying to win Star Prize for the messiest hoarding dh or anything...)

Just wanted to point out that the OP was not asking whether she was nagging (she already said she was, so doesn't need telling). She just wanted to know whether the three things she listed would have annoyed other people as well.

Everyone in the world gets pissed off at things that are, in hindsight, quite trivial. Not the same things necessarily, but even so...And some people might be naturally less inclined to comment.

I'm sure the more 'laidback' among us have vices of our own.

So, the suggestion that the 'nagging' could be indicative of deeper relationship troubles is frankly ridiculous!

I don't know whether to be pleased or disappointed that I don't seem to be sharing the same particular DH as the rest of you. Mine distributes his piles of stuff evenly but quite neatly around the house

Your question is a helpful one, MerryMadMarg. I don't see the things he does at home as him "helping me". I think we both expect that domestic and family-related jobs are our joint responsibility. But in practice, I do most of them most of the time, which is fine. After all, he is out at work all day on my and DS's behalf. I think the problem is that it's difficult to switch off the feeling of responsibility I inevitably have most of the time, and just let him get on with it.

The bike, for example. It was me who did the thinking and researching and ordering etc in time for DS's birthday. DH agreed to the idea and came with us on the day to collect it. That's all fine. It's my job, if you like, and I enjoyed doing it. But I would have been so gutted if 80kgs on a 4-year-old's bike had damaged it. Neither of us are much good at or have time spare for mending broken bikes, and we couldn't afford another.

I'm going to try and take on board your idea, Grammaticus, of asking myself whether I would speak that way to another adult. I think I sometimes see DH as some kind of unruly part of myself instead of a separate person , and I know that in general the people closest and most precious to us - who actually deserve our best - too often have to take our worst too. I would find it infuriating if he nagged at me in the same way. But then as you say, redpyjamas, he has "vices" of his own that I have to accommodate.

He and I have had a good laugh about this whole thing, by the way, although I can't quite bring myself to show him the thread in all its black-and-white pettiness. Thank you ladies!

why do so many people think the op should be grateful that her dh is 'hands-on'?

i think perpetuating the thinking that women should be grateful for a partner who does their share of housewor/child care etc is very damaging

DDF I think that when your DH is doing his share of the work and is being belitted and criticised then she is bloody lucky that he is continuing to do so!

I would try praising rather than criticising?!??!?!?! TBH my DH always washed the floor with THE WRONG PRODUCT but there is no way I am going to pick him up on that because he is washing the floor!

MP - I understand your point, but alot of posters do actually seem to be congratulating the OP for having a husband who even attempts these things in the first place....?

Dropdeadfred - well she did have the good taste in marrying a nice guy by the sounds of it, so its her taste that is being congratulated, isn't it? Clearly others were not quite as successful!

I'm definitely nagging my DH, and I really, really want to know how to stop it. Things I nag about:

*Biting his nails - he bites them right down to the quick until they bleed, and then bites the skin.

• Picking his nose - all the time, and then eats it, or sticks it somewhere.
• Not brushing his teeth.
• Farting - again, all the time.
• Skid marks - on underwear, on bedsheets etc etc.

I know, I know. I sound like his evil mother. I just don't know how to stop. We did have a deal - he said he only didn't stop because I was nagging and it had to be his choice, but then when I did stop nagging, nothing changed.

I do realise this is all my fault, but I really don't know what to do about it.

Help!

oxcat, are you serious?
put a bed in the shed.

Flippin eck. I confess I've had similar Catch 22 situations, but they pale in comparison.

Oxcat - what a neanderthal

I just really don't know how to change things, both his habits, and my nagging. I know some of it just reflects our different upbringing - his parent regularly burp during dinner at the table and are definitely more 'windy' than I'd come across before etc etc, whereas I on't think I ever saw my parents burp at the table and would definitely have been in trouble if I did it. I know it doesn't matter, but I just don't like it!

I just go round and round in circles. Some of it is just choice/upbringing etc etc, but other things seems just obvious: if you have really bad teeth, as he does, you do need to brush them twice a day. It doesn't feel like a personal opinion that I'm insisting he subscribes to, but just straight-forward good sense.

We go round and round in circles. He's so stubborn, and I find it so difficult to let the little things go without mentioning it.

aaaagggghhhh!

Doesn't he care that you find his habits unpleasant?

I don't know. I think he just thinks that I'm far too uptight and that everybody farts etc etc so I should just get over it and stop nagging him. He's right, but surely it is all a matter of degree? I've never lived with any man other than DH, so maybe all men are like this, but it really is about 15-20 farts a night, all loud and smelly. I go sleep smelling them and wake up to the same. He just says that I can't tell him what to do, and it's true, but I sometimes get a little resentful, convincing myself that I get treated with far less respect than everybody else put together.

The thing is, I suppose, it doesn't really matter who is right and who is wrong, but what does matter is that we've got ourselves into a terrible cycle where I nag and he feels got at. I'm not convinced he actually makes any effort to change things, because he says it won't work unless he decides to do it for himself, and he clearly hasn't. When I don't mentioned it, I just simmer inside, and that's no good either. Ideally he would stop doing it and I would stop nagging, but I think he'd see that as me having 'won', so that idea doesn't go anywhere.

sorry - I've rather overtaken the OP's thread. Just struck so many chords.

No problem, oxcat, am more than happy for my thread to be taken over tbh.

All men aren't like this. In fact that amount of farting (not to mention the skidmarks) suggests some kind of dietary trouble, don't you think?

In a sense it's irrelevant whether or not his habits are "normal". The fact is that he is presumably making himself more and more undesirable to you the longer he carries on doing these things (and ignoring your requests for him to stop). I don't understand how he can be indifferent to that.

Could you try changing the way you talk about it, so that he understands you're not "telling him what to do" but asking him to try not to do something that really bothers you? (I know lots of my arguments with DH result from me coming across as angry and critical when actually I'm really just sad or hurt.)

Or alternatively, you could just ask the MN jury

"Would you be bothered if your DP/DH had the following habits?
*Biting his nails - he bites them right down to the quick until they bleed, and then bites the skin.

• Picking his nose - all the time, and then eats it, or sticks it somewhere.
• Not brushing his teeth.
• Farting - again, all the time.
• Skid marks - on underwear, on bedsheets etc etc."

And then print the thread out for him

Oops, sorry, Sophiechen here. Forgot I'd gone back to previous name! May have to find another reincarnation now in order to shake off my hen-pecking image