AIB a nagger and a party-pooper?

[Sophiechen]

This is totally trivial, but I'd be curious to hear other people's opinions.

My DH and I have a great relationship overall, but sometimes I feel like such an old nagger. Just realised that in the last 24 hours I've nagged at him on at least three different occasions when in fact each time he was doing something quite kind.

1. He went to the supermarket with our 4-year-old DS. I met them at the checkout and found that DS was sitting in the shopping trolley. I said "Don't you think it's a bit gross to have him sitting in there with his outdoor shoes on?" (The walk to the supermarket is quite gritty and muddy, apart from whatever else might be on his shoes.) He agreed that yes, actually, it was.

2. We gave a DS a (by our standards quite expensive) new bike for his birthday, which he hasn't had much chance to practice riding yet, so the two of them went outside this morning to have a go. After twice seeing DH ride past on it ("demonstrating" how to do it ) I leaned out of the window and tried to point out lightheartedly that it probably wasn't in the bike's best interests.

3. Yesterday he washed the kitchen floor. He doesn't like using the mop so he used a dishcloth instead. When I noticed the used cloth on the washing pile this morning, I asked him not to use that kind for the floors because they're meant for the kitchen surfaces. He agreed in a long-suffering frustrated tone.

So, would these things bother you and what would you do about it?

(Should add, he works more than fulltime and I only do sporadic bits of freelance work, so although he is very hand-on when he's here, day-to-day domestic and family stuff feels very much like my domain.)

You are so BU its scary ;) No but really maybe try and appreciate him a little more and if you need some help go look at the thread on PA men in relationships and thank your lucky stars

There's just a little hint on this thread of 'blimey, most men are so useless that you should be bloody grateful to have one who deigns to look after his own child for five minutes'. I agree nagging over trifles is not great, whatever the gender of the person nagging, but just because someone is male, doesn't mean they should get a round of applause for every nappy change.

I understand the point about the dishcloth but he did put it in the wash not back on the side so, really he not only realised it was not ideal, he also took steps to mitigate it IYSWIM. It is gross-ish but not so very bad really. I assume you wash your dishcloths on hot anyway so no real germ issues there one it had been washed.

The bike - YABU, it is not great for teh bike but he did it a few times not a few times a day. He was doing a great thing to get your dc out of the house and on their new bike!

The supermarket, I agree is yucky but, if you think trolleys are clean anyway then you are sadly mistaken! They are left out in all westhers, get rained on, grit splased on them, cars driving past in the wet etc etc. They are not cleaned routinly and so, I would say, your dc would probably be more at risk of getting dirty than the trolley

Overall, not too bad in terms of nagging - if that is it, if this is just the tip of the iceberg and you are like this all the time then I would say you probably need to lighten up IMHO!

Does he nag at you??

I agree with edam about the last point made, "just because he is male, doesn't mean they should get a round of applause for every nappy change". Was just thinking the same thing myself.

I think my DP and i do our own fair share of nagging and providing it isnt endless it can be tolerable, as someone said ealier, if you dont it would just bottle up and then be totally ineffective and misdirected!!

If you find yourself nagging (ie you realise that the nag is a bit pointless) mid nag, say something like "oooooh listen to me going on, blimey where did that come from" tis a little tactic i use on DP when i realise that in his action there was actually a bit of thought and he did mean well even if i didnt think so...i mean after all (SHOCK HORROR) I am far from perfect and should pick my battles wisely as im sure most others should too

I think it's great he did the shopping, cleaned the kitchen floor and went out on the bike with ds too, compo. And he's done loads more this weekend besides. I also think it's great that I did XY and Z for him and DS this weekend (and didn't in fact spend the whole time criticising him, although my OP probably gives that impression). Like I said, we both pull our weight and try to appreciate each other.

He's a great DH and I love him to bits. (Passive-aggressive is absolutely not his style, dittany, although it's true that the floor-washing was a rare occurrence, so I needn't have worried he'd be at it with the dishcloth every week. ) I know I'm lucky to have a good relationship, and I know the whole subject is trivial really, as I said at the beginning.

My question was really:
How much more-uptight-than-average is it to even care about these things?
And if any of you find yourselves bothered by equally trivial things, what do you do about it?

In general I hope I'm considerate and positive where other people are concerned, but I can be quite critical and control-freakish about my own life, and I'm afraid this extends to him sometimes in a way that it shouldn't

(Just in case anyone got the wrong end of the stick about the shopping trolley, he was actually in the trolley itself, not in the seat. But maybe that was obvious and I really am the one in a million who's a bit grossed out by the thought of dog poo on my lettuce.)

Edam is right with her comment, but I still think the OP is being U. One of the things that I try to keep in mind is not to criticise how DH does his share of the household tasks, even though some things he does (clean the shower tray with vile-smelling disinfectant, listen to Motorhead whilst sorting the kitchen out, have a complicated rota for which work clothes he wears) drive me absolutely mad. If he is doing things, then I try and leave him to it. I expect him not to criticise me, so it is only fair.

I would actually probably have done the same as you on all three counts!

I hate seeing children in the actual trolley for the reasons you have stated;

I would have been concerned that the bike would be broken by a grown man riding it (they are not built to carry a mans weight surely?);

and using a dishcloth to clean the floor-yeuk!

So no, YANBU. IMO!

YABU and nagging. Those things wouldn't bother me at all. I often use a dishcloth to dwipe the floor but then I keep that one for the floor and don't wipe the work surfaces with it,

i'm totally with you!!

also aware that i like a perfect house & get tetchy & naggy if not!!

i do ridiculous things like start the nag, then go 'i'm just beinga clena freak, ignore' & wander off.

couldn't help myself this morning though - he'd left 2 DVDs out instead of putting them int he cases, and the cases were right there!!
grr

Go up to the bloke give him a biiiiiiiiiig cuddle tell him how much you appreciate him and that you are sorry if you have been a bit of a nag.

don't beat yourself up about it we've all had a whinge about nowt at some point or another.

kickassangel, you would HATE my dh. He leaves piles of assorted DVDs/cassettes/micro-disk thingies etc. etc. etc. lying around in a heap. Jumbled up with the odd tie, spare change, screwdriver, pair of scissors, old light bulbs, letters, cables and plugs...

If we were in some sci-fi movie where your dh and mine swapped bodies overnight, you'd be committing murder by nightfall, I tell you!

You are right that there's no need to be excessively grateful. But if your nagging is getting on YOUR nerves, then, yes, you need to stop it.

OMG edam are we sharing the same bloke perchance? Lol

Will interrogate him forthwith!

Do you view the jobs your DH does as him 'helping you' with chores etc, or him 'doing his bit'. Because if you nag him because 'your way is the right way' you have just owned up to him 'helping you' and you have taken ownership of all those horrible chores, and then when he does something, he is doing you a favour. If you want him to 'do his bit' then you are going to have to let go of the idea that your way is the only way, and accept that in fact you BOTH live in the house and SHARE the jobs - and so will quite likely have slightly different ways of doing them.

I dont think you are nagging, nagging is asking for the same thing, over and over!

Perhaps a bit trivial

Maybe polygamy was the third annoying thing edam's DH did that she couldn't remember.

Lol

It was the comment about all the stuff in his pockets .. my son (they're not related btw) is exactly the same.. bits of warhammer figures with DS though

I rob all the money when i go through pockets before a wash..its great

He whines about the house being a mess until i do a guided tour (shouting angrily) hehe and list shout out the stuff that belongs to him which, with the exception of dog hair, is usually everything he's had a moan about.

Men who on earth would have them !

Yes you are nagging a bit - but I could have written that post!!

As you say, he was actually doing something kind/nice/useful on all of those 3 occasions, but just not in the same way that you would which is probably the crux of the problem.

DH has gone back to work this morning after 2 weeks off and as I go round tidying I'm finding various things that are really annoying me - must think of a tactful and non-nagging way to bring them to his attention later!!

I'm with you on all 3 points - but they weren't so serious that you needed to nag him about them rather than bite your tongue. But you know that, or you wouldn't have posted. So I think you're doing pretty well! (I am a nag too)

One tip that works for me is to imagine that it is another adult, not DH, doing whatever it is. Work out whether or not I would say anything then. Only if yes then go on to nag say something. Usually we feel freer to nag our DHs than we do anyone else I think!

edam I think we are married to the same person!!

In front of me now is a pile of 4 CDs not in their cases, some small screwdrivers, 2 pens, 2 USB-key memory stick things, the instruction book for his new phone and a strange cable with a piece of velcro attached! When he gets home from work, his work badge, tie, cufflinks and assorted change and other pockets emptyings will be added to it :D

OMG how many women is this man married to? we all have the same gripes. yep, dh is just like that. to put things in ocntext, we've only had the dvds for one day, so both of them ebing out is a 100% hit rate!!
also, if using CDs (thankfully a rare occurance), he puts the old CD into the case for the new one he's putting into the machine, instead of fidning the correct case, even if it is on top of the machine ready!!
and don't get me sstarted on clothes.

btw, i TRY to be positive, e.g. about the bike - are you 2 having a great time? good on dad, watch you don't break it!! also, don't want to be one of those families where dd grows up with bickering parents. i grew up like that, and have had to learn just to let some things go in the name of harmony.

unreasonable first two.

Not totally unreasonable number 3

I think YABU and yes, nagging!
And i think you are my best frined in real life who is just like this and I am always amazed how compliant her poor dh seems

So what about the cloth? It was going to go through the washing machine anyway.

wouldn't bother me at all is be happy his doing something and allow him to do it how he wants not how i want

after all the cloth that washed the floor is in wash so will be clean and fresh for when it reaches a work surface having fun on bike id be seen doing that