Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I might be actually, I don't know,.

29 replies

MumofBaby · 03/01/2009 16:18

My mum sometimes looks after DS when I need her to (7.5 months), and so she's bought him a few nappies, a couple of jars of food, a couple of cartons of milk, porridge, a bottle, a dummy, and a few toys as she said you never know, I can simply forget something one day, or I could get held up or there could be an emergency, so she thinks it's best to have things there for him.

MIL insists DS must go to her house alone, although she's never available when I actually need someone to mind him because of work or a hospital appt or whatever. The other day, I'd been out with DS all day, and I was on my way to MIL's when I realised he'd run out of nappies. I txt SIL and asked if they had any nappies for him there and she txt back saying no, if I want nappies there for him I need to leave some. MIL's been begging to have him overnight, but I think if she can't even be bothered to buy one pack of nappies, then is that really a good idea?

She is one of these people who needs babies to fulfil her needs rather than the other way round, and she smokes as I've said on here before, which worries me, as I don't want him to sleep over in a smokey atmosphere.

But the real issue is that I just don't think it'd hurt her to get a couple of nappies and a jar in for him incase I ever forget to take them.

Also, we asked to borrow some money for a pack of nappies on time (I'd lost my cash card) and she said no. That's pretty stingey in my eyes.

OP posts:

Tamarto · 03/01/2009 16:22

I think you are being U expecting her to buy things in just incase you are forgetful, you should leave some things round hers.

Yes when she said no to lending the money it was a bit off unless she herself was short.

singyswife · 03/01/2009 16:23

First at saying no to lending you money for nappies, that is really bad.

Secondly, I cant blame you for not wanting your dc to sleep over in a smoky atmosphere but if it is going to strengthen their relationship (your dc and her) then I would just grin and bear it, he will be ok for one night, it will be his cot and his clothes etc so it wont be loaded with smoke.

Thirdly, I dont actually know where I would stand on agreeing or disagreeing with you regarding having stuff at her house. I wouldnt necessarily say that she should have the stuff their but then on the other hand if you visit regularly then what would be the harm in having it all there. Neither my mum or my MIL had nappies etc at their houses when my dc's were little and it never bothered me.

Dropdeadfred · 03/01/2009 16:25

what do you mean about ds going to her house 'alone'?

MillyR · 03/01/2009 16:25

I think that you do not want to leave your baby with your MIL. So don't leave the baby. There is no unwritten rule that says a grandmother gets to look after her baby on her own.

Why don't you just do what you want? It is your baby.

VinegarTits · 03/01/2009 16:26

hmm i think yab(a tad)u, both my mum and my xmil have nappies at their houses for ds2, that they bought with their own money, but i wouldnt just expect them to have them, if they didnt i would just buy a pack and leave them at their house, i dont expect anyone to pay for my ds's nappies

I would be more worried about the smoking, do they smoke in the house?

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 03/01/2009 16:26

How weird, I wouldn't expect her to buy nappies on the off chance, esp as he might grow out of them before they are used.

I think nappies are entirely your responsibiliy. Souds like you just don't liker her.

beanieb · 03/01/2009 16:28

Shame that she wouldn't or couldn't lend you money for nappies the time you needed them. Was any reason ngiven or was it just a blank no?

I think YABU about the rest of it though. Perhaps she just hadn't thought about needing them, particularly as she seems to never see her grand child, so there was probably really no need.

At 7.5 months I think it's your choice if she has him overnight and if you don't want her to, then tell her. She can no doubt have him stay over when he's older.

Original poster

MumofBaby · 03/01/2009 16:29

Dropdeadfred- she wants to actually look after the baby without me or DP there. We visit as a family when we can, but mostly she wants to look after DS on her own, and now she's adament she must have him overnight. To the point she got drunk and threw a hissy fit out the blue about it at the last family do. All the family agreed with her that we should be letting DS stay over, and I got all flustered and left.

I've picked a day in February when DP and I are both off work so that if she can't cope with DS or he's very unsettled (as he usually is with her) we can go and pick him up. But I've not told her that I'm planning to let him stay a night yet, as if she's really horrible before then (regular occurance) he won't be staying.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumofBaby · 03/01/2009 16:31

Sorry, I cross posted.

Vinegar- they do smoke in the house, but she says she won't if DS stays over. I can't see how that will help really as their house STINKs of smoke and we all come home stinking of it.

Beanie- she does see a lot of him, it's just that she will only see him when it suits her.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumofBaby · 03/01/2009 16:32

Ooops sorry, missed another point. Beanie- when we asked for money for nappies she said there was no way she was lending us money for nappies just because we were skint. Really it was because I'd lost my cashcard, but she didn't believe that. I don't know why as we're very honest people.

OP posts:

Tortington · 03/01/2009 16:35

in the strictest sense, its your responsability.

VinegarTits · 03/01/2009 16:35

Just let him stay, i am sure when she realises it is much harder work looking after a 7.5 month old overnight, she wont ask again

If he is unsettled with her, then she probably wont get much sleep, and you can have a nice night off with your dh

AMumInScotland · 03/01/2009 16:37

I think since he's your baby, it'd your responsibility to make sure everything he needs will be available there - whether that means bringing it all with you, or buying it to leave there for him. It's very nice of your mum to get stuff in with her own money, but that's just something she's decided to do to help you out, not something which would be fair to expect.

But it's up to you whether you want to leave him with MIL, either in the day or overnight, and the smoking would have been a big issue for me personally on that one.

It's not for her to insist on anything, though if you want her to be available to help out when it suits you, then it's only fair to have a bit of give-and-take about doing things to suit her too.

Original poster

MumofBaby · 03/01/2009 16:38

Vinegar- very good point.

I think I'm worried because at first she saw DS as HER baby as she can't have anymore. That terrified me. She wanted to be treated as his mum pretty much, and she insisted she knew best on everything, so it has taken me this long to set boundaries that I am his mum, and DP is a very capable father. I worry that DS staying over will be a backward step. Is this likely to happen or not?

OP posts:

naturalbornmum · 03/01/2009 16:39

You're baby - you're choice. I would never be bullied into letting my DC stay anywhere I was'nt happy with.

You obviously have other issues with MIL ie you don't get on. I think YABU to expect her tp provide any material things for YOUR baby. She was being mean by not lending you the money for nappies.

She does sound as if she wants to have everything on her terms. I would'nt expect anything then you won't be disappointed. I would only let her babysit on your terms if at all.

naturalbornmum · 03/01/2009 16:41

My DC have only stayed at MIL's twice and they are not babies anymore. I let them when I felt happy not when MIL decided. Like it or lump it.

MirandaG · 03/01/2009 16:44

YANBU Never in a million years would I let such a young baby stay with someone who behaves like this. Your baby is not a doll for her to play with. As you've said, she is putting her own needs before the baby's, particularly regarding the smoking and of course they will smoke when he's there. It's kind of peculiar that she wants to have him to herself. If you're uncomfortable with it, just don't do it and let the rest of the family think what they like. It's your baby and you make the decisions.

loopylou6 · 03/01/2009 16:48

first off you cant expect her to buy baby supplies, so you ABU in that instance, secondly i think she sounds aright cow for not lending you the money for nappys, and thirdly i would not let my child stay over in someones house if they where going to be around ciggarette smoke, you are obviously feeling uncomfortable with leaving your ds with this woman, so, granfmother or not, it is your right as his mother to not allow him to stay there alone.

TheYearOfTheCat · 03/01/2009 17:04

I agree - I wouldn't let my DC stay overnight with anyone at this age, and even when older, I would only let them stay with someone I trusted completely, whether they were family or not. She is being unreasonable to insist on being allowed your DS overnight, and I find the issue of only having him to visit 'alone' a bit weird and unsettling.

In terms of the nappies, food etc - I wouldn't expect her to buy anything - and if you are being completely honest with yourself - even if she did buy something, you would probably be annoyed because it seemed presumptious, or she bought the wrong type etc. However, it is a bit off that she wouldn't loan you the money to buy some nappies. Is there a history in relation to money?

As many others have said - your baby, your choice. Personally, if it was me, I would be letting my DH do all the dropping off and picking up so that you don't have much to do with her, and so that you don't say something you may regret.

BitOfFun · 03/01/2009 17:24

I just wouldn't let the baby stay over, and it's not for her to stamp her feet and say you must. There seems to be a history of her feeling entitled to pretend she's a mummy again, but tbh this is her issue and not something you should pander to just to keep the peace, especially if the health issues around a smoky environment bother you. It doesn't sound like you will ever be flavour of the month with this woman, so I don't see the point in bending over backwards trying, particularly when it involves relinquishing your baby to her to bolster her need to play mummy. Just say no, give up on expecting favours from her, don't be surprised if she's frosty but keep the boundaries you instinctively feel are right.

unfitmother · 03/01/2009 17:36

YABU about expecting them to provide supplies but think you shouldn't leave your DS to stay overnight at such a young age,just to please them, especially with a smoker.

violethill · 03/01/2009 17:49

I wouldnt let a baby stay overnight with a smoker.

But YABU about the nappies etc - your baby so buy your own.

chloemegjess · 03/01/2009 17:59

YABU about the nappies. I wouldn't expect her to do this.

BUT I wouldn't let my DD anywhere that is smokey. My sister smokes in her flat, which is why DD has never been to her house.

And my DD is 12 months and I think I would still be very nervous of her going anywhere overnight, mainly because it is unsettling and confusing at this age. I would think she would wonder where I was and why I had left her, rather than enjoy staying at Nanny's house. Especially if she hasn't even looked after your DS in the daytime.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/01/2009 18:01

YABU to expect people you are visiting to buy supplies for your child.

If you are often forgetting things, it might be misunderstood, your MIL may feel its done on purpose so you dont have to spend on x items. Maybe thats why she didnt borrow you the money. Nappies are a standard item to carry with you when you have a baby.

As for staying overnight, she may feel that you allow your mother to care for her grandchild but not her. What does your DH say? Have you actually spoken to her re your worries re the smoking?

iamaLeafontheWind · 03/01/2009 18:23

Is she the one who will co-sleep with your DS as well as smoking around him? If so, stay away until he's older, he's still so small and he needs his Mum.

Flip

1 2