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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weird that in-laws expect me to travel after giving birth.

31 replies

ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 17:41

Due date is last week of July (if this time everything goes ok, 2 m/c before). They live abroad, 2 hours by plane. They are already saying things like "Next summer, when you come, blah blah..." We have 2 children, so school starts in Sep for them. That leaves only August for holidays. Somehow I don't see myself going anywhere near an airport within one month of delivery, arggh. I don't want to point it out now because they might start planning to come over (scary).
Isn't it common sense? I mean she HAD a child (and a bad episiotomy) she should know better.

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 02/01/2009 17:44

I would asy nothing atm. Wait long enough so they can't book flights.

Or get your DH to tell them you cannot possibly travel.

mousemole · 02/01/2009 17:56

oh god I have PIL like this. Totally unreasonable. Dont mention it for as long as you can and then if it comes up get Dh to say ' we dont want to commit to travel plans at the moment, what with the new arrival and all' or words to that effect !

KingHerodNametaken · 02/01/2009 17:58

I agree with aGal. Humour them now and when you've had the baby, just say you can't possibly travel in your condition and anyway you have appointments with midwives and HVs etc etc

If baby comes end July how on earth are you gonna get a passport by August anyway? And is it even OK for a baby that young to fly. What about his ears?

poinsettydog · 02/01/2009 18:02

Grandparents quite often expect too much of daughters (in law) who have just given birth. They seem to forget what it is like to be locked into life with a tiny baby. They think it is all gorgeous and lovely and a tiny baby is really no trouble at all.

You need to be very firm, either now or when the time comes. Tell them you will not be travelling anywhere in teh summer. Be blunt.

Pheebe · 02/01/2009 18:07

You might find yourself fit as a fiddle and raring to go you know!! Childbirth isn't always a trauma. Frankly I could have gone back to work a couple of weeks after having ds2 if I'd had to. And as its third time round you should be well prepared to look after an newborn (who are at the end of the day waaaay easier than toddlers+).

Agree with others though, just say nothing for now and see how you feel at the time. If they ask, just say that you're not going to make any firm plans til the babies here - perhaps they could plan to come to you

Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 18:11

Thanks, I knew I was normal I´ll do that.
I will try not to mention our summer plans (which is no plans, of course). Maybe not even to DH, so no-one comes with 'plan B' like "Then I'll travel with the children and leave you to rest with the baby". I'll need my family with me then (I have suffered from postnatal depression, horror).

OP posts:
bronze · 02/01/2009 18:13

Unreasonable though not undoable.
I'm due very end of april and plan to fly to visit my parents beginning of may. I would go sooner but I need to leave a few weeks as if I go two weeks overdue I'm having a section.

MichaelaS · 02/01/2009 18:14

I would just play dumb, and agree that "next" summer (2010) when you visit with your 2 existing children and 1 year old baby...

Maybe they have just been too stupid to twig?

3littlefrogs · 02/01/2009 18:17

Don't fly for at least 6 weeks after giving birth. The risk of developing a blood clot is too great. Fact.

Getting a passport for baby is do-able, but I think it is more expensive - also, it is additional hassle.

They are being ridiculous.

GrimmaTheNome · 02/01/2009 18:17

The bright point about all this is, that evidently we can expect by the time we are GPs ourselves to have forgotten the woes of childbirth at last!

Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 18:30

Oh Pheebe! You are so positive you should be my neighbour. I know for some women it is not that terrible. But I had awful experiences everytime (tear degree tear included). I hope that this time is better, but I don't want to have any pressure. And to be honest I do not wish to visit my in-laws at all, but I don't want to start this issue with them or DH, so I'll just hang to the "not able to travel after delivery" true excuse. Also I´m so emotionally vulnerable after having a baby that I don´t need them to make things even more difficult for me. As you can see I do have my issues with them

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 18:37

3littlefrogs, thanks very much for the fact! I´ll throw it to Dh´s face if need should arise
MichaelaS, that´ll be fun "What? You meant THIS summer? No, we´ll see you next year"
bronze, One thing is visiting your parents who will probably pamper you and try to help you once you get there, other thing is to do the effort of visiting my uncaring in-laws.

OP posts:
bronze · 02/01/2009 18:49

sorry I meant they're being unreasonable though its not undoable. Realised I phrased it wrong

Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 19:20

I got it nonetheless

OP posts:
Sunflower100 · 02/01/2009 19:28

I so don't get why other people put pressure on you to travel/ get on as normal as soon as you have popped out your sprog! My sister was like that booking train tickets for me to come and stay almost straight away after giving birth telling me about all her friends who had been able to do international flights etc (she has't any dcs) - I went and it was awful! Now I look back and think how wierd was she expecting that and how pathetic was I to go?
Don't do it- simply say you'll go at half term or Xmas hols and leave it at that.

Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 19:48

In the case of my in-laws, they just want to see their child and their grandchildren in their own surroundings. MIL tries (sometimes) to be nice, but she just sees me as the woman who married her son. And she won't give much thought to my wellbeing. Of course now that I'm pregnant she is being careful not to upset me.
Now I'm determined not to do anything I don´t want to do after giving birth, like having people staying over and having to entertain them.

OP posts:
pamelat · 02/01/2009 19:57

Will they help much if you are able to go ?? It could be a nice way to get some sleep.

But its unreasonable of them to presume.

snuffyp · 02/01/2009 20:03

why can,t they come here?what if your late?what if you need a ec section??? first couple of weeks are hard enough settling into the new routine and the lack of sleep last thing i,d want to do is fly!.as others have said you have appointments etc with midwifes.any normal person would understand why you did,nt want to travel.if there keen so see the gc then they could come over or haev to come later in the year

Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 20:06

Nah. They can play with the older children and do all the cooking. That's a lot, I know, but MIL gets very freaked out when I ask DH to do things and she cannot avoid being nasty to me in revenge. She is very old fashioned and cannot see her son doing "Women-stuff" like doing the washing up or changing a nappy. So it gets on my nerves. I´d rather toil harder in my house than having her telling DH "Why on earth are you washing up, my darling? Do sit down and read the paper"

OP posts:
oranges · 02/01/2009 20:07

i do think mothers in laws forget very easily that you are a person, not just a vessel carrying a grandchild. don't expect them to understand, but say nothing and just don't go. Or let dh go!

oranges · 02/01/2009 20:07

I mean don't let dh go!

Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 20:16

Yes, Snuffyp. Maybe if I point it out they´ll understand. Only as suggested before it might be better to wait before telling them we won´t be going. They could come, sadly I have been proved to be a not very forgiving person. I'm sorry to say that I don't find in me the good heart to invite them over to meet their grandchild. Maybe I´m too weak, but the fact is that MIL has at times made life very difficult for me. On the other hand, I do not have the heart to tell them NOT to come. So I´ll just wait and see how things develop. I feel mean now. I should be just grateful that I´m still pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 20:18

Thanks Oranges. He is not going anywhere

OP posts:
Tigurr · 03/01/2009 01:01

I flew when DD was 5 weeks old and it was a relative doddle (as far as anything is at that stage, iykwim?). Didn't need a passport as it was classed as a domestic flight, though - if you're going on an international flight then you'd need to get the passport sorted as soon as bubs is born.

Also, if the baby is due end of July then if you go overdue it won't be here until mid-August... leaving b*gger all time left for the trip.

snuffyp · 03/01/2009 14:45

cfc i know its hard i cannot stand my ils tthey have interfered so much so they only way i can deal with it is by blocking them out as much as poss you need your dh on side too sometimes its easier to tow the line for the minute as you say and say no at the last minute.i had my drunken fil phone the other day asking if sometime in the future my dd could stay over i certainly know what i wante dto say but knew it would blow up so i just said maybe knowing it will never happen!!.i told my husband that and he,ll stick with me on it its hard i know its his parents i do my duty going at xmas birthdays etc and will visit luckily its not too often!good luck rem at the end of the day its about whats best for you and your baby and i really cannot see why anyone would think it wrong of you to not want to travel