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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still not visited my nan in hospital despite being in for nearly a month (long)

27 replies

Sails · 01/01/2009 22:00

My much love nan is in hospital and is suffering from severe confusion not dementia as she has had a cat scan. It started as a result of a uti and the drs said it will go once she was better. She is better now but it still hasn't gone. She now recognizes my grandad - her husband of 62 years and also my mum most of the time. Beyond that she varies with knowing her age or how many grandchildren/gtgrandchildren she has. She is unaware that we have just celebrated christmas. Anyway I was all for visiting right from the start. However my mum keeps onsaying whats the poing she wont know who I am and it will upset me too much. Also has pointed out that my brother has decided not too because he will be too upset to see her like this. Even said once that as its 2 to a bed it would prevent her or grandad from visiting! However mil keeps saying I should go and has offered to babysit. AIBU to have not gone yet? Should I or should I wait until her confusion has eased or whatever iyswim?

OP posts:

ShinyPinkShoes · 01/01/2009 22:03

I wouldn't be able to not go to be honest.

At her age, anything can happen and I know I would feel terrible if I had not seen her

Deemented · 01/01/2009 22:03

Go. Go now.

If you don't, and god forbid, she dies, then you will never rest easy knowing that you had the chance to see her one last time and didn't take it.

TBH, i'm a bit shocked that she's been in a month and you haven't been to see her - are you living far away from where she is?

Deemented · 01/01/2009 22:04

Oh, and to add - it doesn't really matter if she knows if you've been or not - you'll know.

thisisyesterday · 01/01/2009 22:08

yes, you should go.
my nana was in hospital, very similar situatuin. I did visit but only a coiple of times as was super busy with my new baby.
then she died.

i feel so, so very guilty that I didn't spend more time there with her.
doesn't matter if she knows who you are or not. go.

Tortington · 01/01/2009 22:09

yeah, its more about you than her at this stage, you need to go for yourself

LRB978 · 01/01/2009 22:28

Sails

As others have said, it is about how you feel. If you want to go and see her, go and see her. She may not know who you are, but then again she may. Don't be guilt-tripped by your mother into not going. Just because your brother doesn't want to go, doesn't mean you shouldn't. And there is no reason why it should prevent your mum or grandad from going - you may find that the nurses will let 3 of you in, if not, one of you goes for a cup of tea and then swaps with one of the other 2. Or are there 2 visiting sessions a day (this is the case in some places not others). if so could you go for one session, letting them go to the other?

It sounds as if you want to go, so find a way and do it. As Deemented says, if the worst does happen at least then you won't have the awful feeling of if only, why didn't I, I never got the chance to say... (and yes I am talking from experience)

piscesmoon · 01/01/2009 22:39

I agree with the others-you should go.

KerryMumbles · 01/01/2009 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitch · 02/01/2009 09:46

Exactly the same thing has just happened with my mum. She went into hospital with a UTI, which was causing her to be really confused. She was in hospital for 8 weeks and then had 4 weeks in a nursing home to re-enable her to come home (she lost a lot of mobility). She is still very confused i.e. was home for Christmas but doesnt remember it.

It is horrible to see someone you love like this, but you must go and see her. The doctors were appalling at the hospital and immediately told me she had dementia without giving her any antibiotics for her UTI, but luckily her own GP has been fantastic. Seeing people they know and love really helps them.

spicemonster · 02/01/2009 10:02

Yes you should go and see her. Yes it might upset you but you're an adult aren't you?

JonesTheSteam · 02/01/2009 10:08

You should go....

My nan died this morning. She'd been in hospital since the Tuesday before Christmas Day.

I was going to see her yesterday afternoon, after not seeing her since Christmas Eve but at the last minute I decided I would change it to yesterday evening.

Then my mum phoned to say that she and my dad had been called in as her condition had worsened, and that it was best if I left going to see her...

Am feeling really guilty about that right now.

edam · 02/01/2009 10:10

The thing is, being moved out of their familiar environment can cause similar confusion to a UTI - so even though she's being treated for the latter, the move will still be affecting her.

DO go. Hospitals are miserable places to be in for any length of time. Even if she doesn't know who you are - and you don't know that until you've been - your visit will break up the monotony of the day, and a friendly face is always comforting.

I am so very, very glad I made the effort to go and see my great-aunt in hospital when she was seriously ill back at Easter. It was hard to communicate, tough to take the time off and a bloody long way away, but worth doing. Especially as there were things she needed to say. She died two days later.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 02/01/2009 10:14

I had a very similar situation last year (tho thankfully my nan has recovered enough to go back home). I was told it might be better not to go (despite the fact she had a horrendous bout of c diff and was on death's door), but I went anyway. I have absolutely no regrets.

You decide for you whether you go or not, whatever anyone else suggests. She's your nan. Prepare yourself for the fact that she might not recognise you, or that it might be upsetting and then go. Good luck x

Reallytired · 02/01/2009 10:27

I think you should go for her sake. Visiting her is for her benefit not for yours. As an adult you need to get over being "upset".

When I was about six or seven years old my brother and I were taken to see a great aunt with dementia. The lady did nothing but shout out "nein! nein! nein!" At such a young age I did not really understand and was rather concerned. However my mother explained she was ill and that we visited her because she loved her unconditionally and showed that someone cared about her.

Maybe you don't like seeing her in a confused state, but she is probably frightened, lonely and would benefit from some company even if she does not recongise you. Even if she has dementia she is still a human being.

mumeeee · 02/01/2009 21:03

You should go.

MrsMerryHenry · 02/01/2009 21:06

Stop deliberating. Just go. Otherwise when she eventually dies you will regret it so much.

TotalChaos · 02/01/2009 21:09

YABU. Go. Doesn't have to be for more than 1/2 hour.

prettybutterfly · 02/01/2009 21:10

OP, is your mum trying to stop you going?

herbietea · 02/01/2009 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

eandh · 02/01/2009 21:13

dh nan was admitted with chest infection in september then devloped pnemonia mil had a 1.5hour bus trip to get to hospital and visited every day and dh and his sister went a few times a week (dh bikes past hospital on way home so nurses let him sneak in even if it wasnt visiting time as dh was def his nans blue eyed boy) I took the dd's in a few times and then she kept getting uti's and getting very confused and violent (bless her she was 95 and never hurt a flea) they kept saying she didnt have dementia but the Alice we knew had gone, dh didnt visit for the last 3 weeks of her life but his sister did go and said she cried for hours when she realised that they had lost the Nan they knew forever, she was set to go to a care home with medical facilities but sadly died on 8th December (peacefully in her sleep but sadly as mil was on the bus going to vist her)

I think dh is very very glad he went and saw her whilst she was well (she was confused at times but that was more age) I am not sure if he regrets not seeing her before she died

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 02/01/2009 21:17

Is your mum trying to "protect" you as if you were stil a child.... If so i think it is misplaced, it may help your nan, then again it may not but it is unlikely to do any harm.

It may also have the added bonus of easing the burden on your mother and grandad whether or not they admit to it, they may be able to be more honest with about how she is...

In essence go you may well regret it if you don't.

noonki · 02/01/2009 21:24

I didnt go to see my grandad on my mum's advice. He died before I got to see him. and I've always regretted.

I would go.

Hope she is ok though.

MavisGrind · 02/01/2009 21:27

My lovely Nan died 4 years ago today and although she lived a good 5 hours drive away from me, I didn't have dc at the time and I should have gone. I'll always feel bad I didn't make that extra bit of effort when she needed to see that extra friendly face.

When my time comes I hope my dgc feel that they need to visit me.

I know it's not life threatening for your nan but I bet all of us who have lost a much loved gp would jump at the opportunity to visit them again.

I sincerly hope she is better soon.

missorinoco · 02/01/2009 21:29

i would go. i don't think you've been unreasonable for not going so far, but as has been said, you may regret it if you don't.

hope it goes ok if you go.

TheFallenMadonna · 02/01/2009 21:30

Would it upset her? I stopped going to see my grandad, who did have severe dementia, because he found it distressing to see a familiar face but not be able to place it properly.

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