Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

in being astonished my friend let her son do this?

43 replies

nula · 29/12/2008 17:40

Yesterday, picnic in park with me, friend and our kids.

She had bought a BIG family bag of crisps and dips to share with her sons (7 and 6)

her 7 yo was hogging the crisps and dips and she said "please would you pass me some?"

He said NO and hogged all the food up his end of the table. As i was sitting next him I sort of jollied him along and said "come on. mummy is hungry". He still refused to let her have any food...

So she said "Please , Damien..?"

I grabbed the crisps and actually ended up tussling with this boy!

Then the mum said "it's ok, if you don't want to...that's all right "

Please tell me is this in any way acceptable
a)from the boy
b) from the mum (who is a very lovely person )

I have been scratching my head ever since

OP posts:

ReginaFelange · 29/12/2008 17:42

Worried about how he will turn out as a teemager if he already ruloes his Mum like that.

Tortington · 29/12/2008 17:42

sometimes, depending on the company - i let my kids get awaywith things i would kick them up and down the street for

needmorecoffee · 29/12/2008 17:42

I have a friend who is like this. Her son is not someone I enjoy having over

apostropheelingchristmassy · 29/12/2008 17:43

um, I think the boy was obviously behaving rudely, but that grabbing crisps and tussling with another lunch guest is rude too. Perhaps she has a different style of parenting - I'd be fairly if someone grabbed something from one of my kids (but otoh I wouldn't have put up with them not sharing).

deanychip · 29/12/2008 17:43

No this is wrong on so many levels.

Original poster

nula · 29/12/2008 17:43

I have genuinely never seen such passive behaviour in a parent and I know Loads.

OP posts:

catsmother · 29/12/2008 17:44

Of course it's not acceptable. It wouldn't be acceptable if he was 2, let alone 7. It's about sharing, about consideration for others, and about manners.

It's kinda scary thinking about what else he's allowed to do because his defiance isn't being tackled ..... and it will only get worse if she doesn't stand up to him. I cringe when I see adults being controlled by children ...... but who gave them that (inappropriate) power in the 1st place ?

Heated · 29/12/2008 17:44

Maybe, in company, this is what his mother says to avoid picnic meltdown in front of friend and her angelic children, but does a Custy later on?

beansprout · 29/12/2008 17:45

Maybe she was just trying to avoid a big kick off and all the judgement that would have surrounded that?

CrackopentheBaileys · 29/12/2008 17:45

well name your kid Damien and your bound to end up in trouble ;-)

yanbu I would have done the same!

TheSeriousSanta · 29/12/2008 17:45

I wouldn't let my DSDs do that.

But, (esp. as I'm dealing with step kids who I'm not in a position to discipline IYSWIM), what I would do is let the kid keep the crips, but then offer everyone else icecream (or some other treat) and say to the hogger 'Sorry, I think you've eaten too much' or 'I'm sorry, but you wouldn't share ealier'

My DSDs are 14 and 11 now, so over that (largely!!!

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 29/12/2008 17:46

if he can throw the same sort of strops my DS often does (just turned 8) in private I may have been tempted to do the same thing if my DS1 was to do something like that (highly unlikely). I would then do what Custardo does later

wb · 29/12/2008 17:46

Well, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I too will sometimes let things slide when 'in company' but not to the point of not eating (me) or extreme rudeness (my ds s)

FrostytheSurfmum · 29/12/2008 17:46

What apostrophe said.

Original poster

nula · 29/12/2008 17:46

grabbed is perhaps an exaggeration. She was repeatedly telling him to pass them, he was refusing so i reached out to pass them - quickly! (the mum could not reach)

As I passed them to the mum the boy grabbed the other end of the bag and tried to pull it back off me. For a fraction of a sec we were both pulling on the bag and them I let it go as I was so shocked.

Hope that clarifies

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 29/12/2008 17:48

Lol @ "does a Custy"

LittleJingleBellas · 29/12/2008 17:49

Yes I think YABU.

You pre-empted whatever she might have been about to do about it by tussling with her DS. This may have pissed her off. She may have decided that a few crisps really weren't worth arguing about. She might have been about to count to 10 or something, and you muscled in and undermined her.

You interfered in whatever power struggle was going on, so you have no way of knowing how she would have handled this normally.

juuule · 29/12/2008 17:50

As others have said maybe she was avoiding a scene and would have dealt with it in her own way later. Were there other things to eat or were the crisps 'it'?

I also think that you were out of order grabbing the crisps and tussling with him. Jollying him along - fine. Grabbing and tussling - not fine.
What would you have thought of him if he'd grabbed the crisps off someone who wouldn't give them to him?

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 17:51

YANBU But it is very common to see/hear stories like this - not my angels obviously.

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 17:53

I don't think YWBU be trying to retrieve the crisps - he is 7!!!!!

hatwoman · 29/12/2008 17:54

I can see the desire not to create a ruckus when in company but a calm mention of consequences at a later time (eg "oh dear, well I'm afraid that means no pudding/story/sweet money" etc) would for me be my slightly chicken way out - ie defer the meltdown but show self not to be a pushover. and it might even achieve the desired outcome of him sharing.

but, we all fail to come up to scratch at times, and penning a strategy on mn is a lot different to dealing with it in rl and real time. if this mum did this consistently it would start to grate, but just the once, I'd not fret.

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 29/12/2008 17:56

ahh now your see hatwoman, my DS's know the consequences of bad behaviour in company - they do't need to be reminded........and if I am foolish enough to remind them then the meltdown starts there are then (well with DS1 it does)

So nothing would be said at the time by me - as they don't need a reminder

LiffeyAgSnamhAnLaCoille · 29/12/2008 17:57

I agree with custardo. Things I'd definitely tackle on my own, I'd let slide with company. Even though I might be aware they were judging me for my feral children/mediocre parenting skills, I'd let it slide so that the afternoon/picnic was pleasant and not a total nightmare for everybody.

apostropheelingchristmassy · 29/12/2008 18:00

it reminds me of my DCs hideous behaviour in church, when I've exhausted my supply of hissed threats in their ears... deal with it later.

Original poster

nula · 29/12/2008 18:02

So those who think I was unreasonable would have sat between the mum who was repeatedly asking for him to pass the crisps and the boy who was refusing? Just sat there, passively? It was completely instinctive to pass something to her she could not reach.

I was well within reach of the crisps, she wasn't. He had eaten half a massive bag. She had eaten NOTHING! The picnic was almost over. All the other kids had finished eating - so had this boy .

On what planet would you not pass a communal item across the table?

Would you have done the same if he would not pass the salt?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2