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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to shoot the inlaws?!!!

38 replies

Zebraa · 28/12/2008 21:38

My DP has recently been offered a job in Surrey, where his family are from and live and has taken it. I'm a teacher by trade and we live in Cheshire, but as I found out I was pregnant whilst on Mat Leave, had to give up my job and am no a SAHM. So in theory there is no reason for me not to move to Surrey. However, as it's Christmas and a time spent with family (against our will!) I have spent some time in Surrey with the inlaws and I just hate the idea of having to move down there and even though DP explained that I am not 100% set on the idea, they felt the need to plan our lives out in Surrey the whole time. "When you move down, we can set this up" etc and I ended up feeling really hateful towards them and now I can't think of a shitter idea than moving down there!

Why do they feel like they know what's best despite how I actually feel?! I feel like they ignore everything I say and all they care about it their precious son and MY child and baby on the way!

OP posts:

Lulumamaloveslatkes · 28/12/2008 21:39

maybe they were trying to be helpful and welcoming and showing you they would look after you ? i think you are being a touch ungrateful, unless there is history between you and ILs

Original poster

Zebraa · 28/12/2008 21:41

I just felt irrelevant. Their plans seem to be all about DP and the babies. I just felt really pushed out.

OP posts:

TheYearOfTheCat · 28/12/2008 21:41

Could you live a little further away, but close enough for your DH to commute?

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2008 21:41

hmm well i live near surrey, which is a good reason to move there I suppose

erm, I really think that your dp needs to talk to them. if you do move then YOU are the ones who will plan what you do and how you do it, and not them

I expect they are just trying to be helpful though, it's what parents do. but if it isn't what you want then you just have to be firm.

would you be living very near them?

MmeLindt · 28/12/2008 21:41

You don't have to live next door to them, or even in the same town though do you?

Does your DH get on well with his family? How close is the new job to the family?

Mung · 28/12/2008 21:43

Can you not just let them say the things and then if they really try to boss you around you can make it clear that you are not interested. It may be useful to have them about.

I have a very bossy MIL who lives really close,the thing is that she never follows through with anything and we never see her.

blithedance · 28/12/2008 21:45

It's a difficult one. Don't judge life with the in-laws on Christmas - as we've discovered, if you live near them at least they don't come to stay overnight. If you can work it out amicably, you could end up with some babysitting help and they get to see their GCs.

I have had some run-ins with my MIL over the the years, but the unselfish way they have helped me out with the DC's more recently really does put things in a better light.

Rindercella · 28/12/2008 21:45

YABVU. I don't think that being excited about the idea of having your son, his wife and your GC living much, much closer to you is actually a shooting offence. Jeez. If you hate the thought of living in Surrey so much, then you need to discuss this with your DH, not take it out on your ILs.

Original poster

Zebraa · 28/12/2008 21:46

She just drives me mad. I was feeding DS who is one and she said "that's too much food, no wonder he's spitting it out at you" and it's just like GRRRRR! and she felt the need to comment on how hard it will be on my own with a new baby and DS and how her support is much needed but I just said "I do have my own Mother who lives nearby at home". I dunno, think I'm a bit touchy about moving away from everything I know and love.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2008 21:54

zebraa I suspect you may have got it there. you're probably feeling really stressed about leaving everything and everyone you know. I know I would.
and coupled with pregnancy hormones it makes everything seem even worse sometimes.

but have a good long chat with dp. tell him how you feel, and discuss it properly. you don't have to do things their way at all if you don't want to, but it might not be as bad as you're expecting

SleighGirl · 28/12/2008 21:55

Did you both discuss and agree to him taking the job? It sounds as though you weren't keen and he took it anyway?

Surrey does have its good points - honest, whereabouts is your dh job and when does he start?

MerryMadMarg · 28/12/2008 22:18

Surrey is fairly big, you don't necessarily have to live that close to them!

BlueSapphire77 · 28/12/2008 22:19

Only if there's anyone that will miss them

piscesmoon · 28/12/2008 22:32

I would have thought that you could manage to live a fair distance away and they will be very handy for babysitting.

Original poster

Zebraa · 28/12/2008 22:45

I know but it's their attitude. They often talk about DS going to certain private schools when he absolutely is not, he is going to the local catholic school and she had a lot to say about this. It's just far more than I'd like her to contribute because obviously I have to be polite and agree or nicely disagree but really I think she is going to be hell on earth when we move.

I agreed to move down because it makes financial sense but I just with we could keep his parents at arms length. We'll be living within 3 miles of them and they both drive. Bugger!

I appreciate they're trying to help but they make me feel left out and like they know best and they don't make me feel very welcome.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2008 22:46

then you need to get dp to talk to them. make it very clear that you are the parents and you will make decisions such as where he will be schooled.

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 28/12/2008 22:47

Why do you have to live so close?

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2008 22:47

agree, why so close?

Original poster

Zebraa · 28/12/2008 22:49

DP wants us to. He's mummy's little boy (26!) and it's a very difficult subject to discuss without upsetting him. For example, I'd really like to say "your mother drives me mental, is she for real, PRIVATE SCHOOL" sorta thing but instead it's more like "Private school isn't an option is it, why does your Mother think he's going to private school".

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2008 22:52

ok, well it isn't only up to him.
he is the one taking the job that is moving YOU miles away from all of your family.
the least he could do is compromise on where you live

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2008 22:52

otherwise he is gonna end up with one unhappy partner. is that what he wants?

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 28/12/2008 22:53

Well that's your problem then Zebraa - not your in-laws but your DP. You shouldn't be moving across the country to live next door to his mum if you - as an adult - don't want to. Talk to your DP, express your concerns and reach a compromise - but don't try and blame it all on his parents etc - because it sounds to me to be far more to do with the two of you.

Original poster

Zebraa · 28/12/2008 22:54

Can I borrow you? You can tell him and I'll just sit in the background looking pretty?

I'm gonna speak to him about it and at the risk of offending him, tell him his mother drives me mental.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 28/12/2008 22:54

I would aim for further than 3 miles and make sure that you set boundries from the start.

Original poster

Zebraa · 28/12/2008 22:57

I subtly suggested that I didn't really like the area he will be working, that it's too busy for my liking and his mum nicely pointed out that it's DP bringing in the money... just comments like that. He did give me a ha ignore her look but it's just making me dread the new year!

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