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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put down plastic bags on my carseats when i take my incontinent colleague home

27 replies

Ashantai · 27/12/2008 23:57

Ok this is a sensitive one, but i sometimes give a lift home to a collegue who lives near me who is disabled and has incontinent issues.

A few times when i she has left the car, there is a whiff of wee and i have had to give the seat a good wash and spray febreze to get rid of the smell.

The other day some of my mates at work told me that she was a little whiffy and one of our managers took her to one side to tell her and she got a bit upset. I went out to the car to get a big plastic bag to cover the seat before we left and told her that the kids had been sick on it, and i didnt want her to smell of it.

I kinda did the same thing the following night and i do feel bad, but i'm sick of having to clean up after her and dont quite know how to broach the subject without causing offence.

So what do i do?

OP posts:
themoon66 · 28/12/2008 00:00

Get some cheap car covers for all the seats? that way it doesn't look like it's just her seat.

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2008 00:12

hmm, well i would imagine that she deals with her issues as well as she can, but of course even with the best will in the world there still may be some smell on her.

what I am saying is that just because your car smells slightly it doesn't mean she has wee'd on your seat. I would let car air for a bit and then see if it still smells.
if not then it's just leftover smell from her.

does that make sense???

solidgoldstuffingballs · 28/12/2008 00:17

Put plastic or wipe-clean covers on all the seats (iincluding your own) and an air freshener in the car. Maybe drop into the conversation the fact that you have a new friend with a projectile-comiting DC/pet, or that someone else you gave a lift to threw up in the car recently (ie make it not about your colleague).

ggirlsbells · 28/12/2008 00:31

god this reminds me of one of the most embarrassing moments in my life!!!

I was out for dinner with a load of girlfriends,got up to go to the loo and I had started my period and had bled all over a cream chair .
For a split second I toyed with the idea of not saying anything but then confessed all to my mates who thought it was hysterical .Massive clean up job ensued that only a group of pissed women could do.
I then got a lift home from one of them I didn't know very well.She went into the back of her car where she kept a box full of plastic bags .all flattened out and stacked neatly .
She didn't give me the nice posh bag sitting on the top of the pile but rooted around for tesco bag for my sopping fanjo .Still can't face her without blushing.

I second moon's suggestion.

Original poster
Ashantai · 28/12/2008 00:34

Believe me, i know its her cos when i got rid of the first plastic bag, i could definately smell wee.

I have another friend at work who also lives near her and if i'm not working that night, she offers to give her a lift home instead.

I'm very ashamed to say that i have taken to doing some late night shopping on the way home as a feeble excuse as to why i cant take her, if this other friend is available . I know, i know, i'm a terrible person

Maybe i should look into cheap plastic seats instead.

OP posts:
Bessie123 · 28/12/2008 00:38

ashantai - you're a mean lady.

but i wouldn't want a pissy car either

chloemegjess · 28/12/2008 01:09

I agree to get some seat covers if you can.

mynewnickname · 28/12/2008 10:29

Could you start talking about how your 'other friend'/ someone else you know has just discovered Tena Lady and what a great product they are??!

This lady could do with someone nudging her in that direction to help try and solve the problem in a more effective way?

lljkk · 28/12/2008 10:37

Hum, you're not doing her a favour by hiding the truth from her, though, are you? She needs to get herself some incontinence pants, that's just her reality, she needs to take responsibility for the problem that obviously lots of people are noticing (it will help her socially, in lots of ways, to tackle it head on).

I would be direct, along the lines of "Listen, you know I really like you and enjoy working together. But you have a problem I really think you need to tackle, do you think I could help?"

(Okay, probably not those exact words, but I would think about the right words, make it clear I didn't blame her but wanted to help).

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 28/12/2008 10:40

I would second the car seat cover, but also put one of those pampers drynight things underneath to absorb any wee that might come through....

Horrible situation and really bloody awkward. Not sure how to broach the subject of Tena Lady. She must notice when she cleans her clothes that they all smell of wee..... Poor lady...

saggyhairyarse · 28/12/2008 10:42

I agree with lljkk. I think you need to bite the bullet and tackle it head on. Are you skint? How much are Tena Lady? Buy her a pack and just say that she might like to try these but has she thought about seeing the Dr? There are things that can be done!

WorzselMummage · 28/12/2008 10:47

it must be awful to have continence issues and know people you work with are discussing the fact that you stink of piss and are making you sit on carrier bags in their car.. How degrading !

I second the facing it head on solution. Have a good chat with her and be honest, i am completly sure that it would embarass her less than thinking the whold world and his wife is talking about it being her back.

Buy her some tena, be discreet and she'll probably appreciate it

lljkk · 28/12/2008 11:02

Would it be patronising to buy the Tena for her, though? That's my only worry, it sounds considerate to go ahead and get a pack, but it infringes on her independence potentially. I would think to find out about them, where to buy especially, and try (tackfully) to see if she knows such things exist.

Are they available on discount or prescription for people that need them?

WorzselMummage · 28/12/2008 11:06

Possibly but les patronising than makign her sit on plastic bags.

Maybe don't buy them just bring up the subject snd see where she takes it, she must know its causing problems.

I work in a nursing home and most of my ladies are incontinent but never smell because its managed well, its is possible to not leak everywhere or smell of urine if your incontinent.

Maybe the problem is more to do with the fact that she cant manage her own washing ?

Seems awfull to be talking about it on here really, quite unfair

chloemegjess · 28/12/2008 11:19

You could sign her up to free samples of tena so they get sent to her and wouldn't offend?

mynewnickname · 28/12/2008 11:25

I think that it would be worse to buy her the pads and present them to her, than to talk about it gently with her tbh.

chloemegjess · 28/12/2008 11:29

agree with mynewnickname

saggyhairyarse · 28/12/2008 11:47

But surely better to do something than put down carrier bags and enter into the gossipy thing with work colleagues.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2008 13:20

i feel really sorry for this lady, with you all gossiping about her at work

she is diabled and maybe cant help wetting her self

i hope that when you are old and maybe get ill, that people dont talk about you behind your back!!

if you were her real friend you would take her aside and mention it gently,maybe say that your aunt has the same problem, and that she finds pads a good idea

also agree car seats are a good idea - what does this other friend/lift giver do about her seats?

BalloonSlayer · 28/12/2008 13:56

Cushion cover with a pampers care mat inside?

USed to do this when potty training my DCs.

mynewnickname · 28/12/2008 14:05

I agree saggy - we are saying to do something but to talk to her about it kindly and gently rather than present her with the pads which could be hurtful even if it's well-intended.

lljkk · 28/12/2008 18:12

I think people on this thread have been extremely sensitive, OP posted because she wants to get this right. Most of us WILL be disabled in our old age, I sure hope somebody has the brass to tell me if I smell and I don't realise it or know what to do about it.

MsG · 28/12/2008 18:17

I feel sorry for the lady but I also feel sorry for Ashantai - it's not very nice for her after all!

I think broaching the subject directly with the lady depends on how well you know her and if you feel you could. If she's been spoken to about it at work though, sounds like she hasn't yet found a way to deal with it. It is sad...not sure what I'd do at all. x

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 28/12/2008 18:26

I think that it wuld be kinder to talk to her, her incontinence may well be a side issue from her disability. ( speed of getting to toilet etc )

FWIW way back when, I nursed many many old(er) ladies who came in with several flannels stuffed into their pants to "deal" with incontinence issues. These did not help but merely increased the risk of infections.

It may be worth noting that depending on the cause of the incontince there are different types of help available and it is something she shouldn't be embarassed about seeing her GP about.

Think it is going to require a very sensitive touch and she may or may not appreciate it....

Is your car worth it ????

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 28/12/2008 18:36

Is there someone at work who could talk to her?

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