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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel resentful of my siblings

33 replies

needmorecoffee · 26/12/2008 11:20

Both of whom are child free and have buggered off abroad leaving me the sole carer of our mother. She's now 73 and is getting more ill and more demanding. I've got a severely disabled 4 yo who requires 24 hour care, other children and am disabled myself.
I'm feeling a bit tearful as mum has yet another chest infection and called me this mroning. So I've called the doctor, gone over, fed her bloody dogs (and I can't get my wheelchair in her house so have to be on legs for this). Just got back as the wait for a doctor is up to 6 hours so he will call before going to my mums so then I will go back down there.
If ma has flu and dd catches it dd will be in hozzie.
Why should I do it all?

OP posts:

Lulumamaloveslatkes · 26/12/2008 11:25

stop doing it, get social services involved and tell your siblings exactly how hard it is. YANBU. but very often child free people have no idea how hard things can be, with NT children, never mind with a disabled child. some people are incapable of seeing the bigger picture and are self centred. get as much help as you can from outside sources. sorry you are having a hard time.

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 26/12/2008 11:31

sdhe turned down SS last year and my siblings dont give a crap and say they 'have their own lives'.
feeling pissed off and resentful. I know she cant help being frail and sick but argh

OP posts:

haveamerrymankyscotslass · 26/12/2008 11:33

NMC, I'm sorry things are so tough just now. I understand a bit of what you are feeling.
My mum is prone to severe chest infections and often needs hospitalising for them, and also has another condition which causes severe pain and stress on her heart.
My brother lives overseas and although I now live miles from her I am the one it all falls to.
I get so resentful, he always says he is worried about her, concerned about her, but does bugger all about it. He is happy for me to do what I can, although I have 3 small kiddies and no money. He has seen her 3 times in 6 years, although he is usually back in the uk at least 3 times a year.
I hope your mum gets better soon and your DD does not catch the bug.

believer07 · 26/12/2008 12:08

I think that you are NBU, but those dogs need to go to another home. People who cannot look after themselves should not have pets, as they just end up being a burden to the carers, and dogs need to be walked every day.

Yes I agree you need to get others in to help you, and you should put in a call to your siblings for help.

Hope your mum gets better soon.

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 26/12/2008 12:11

she 3wont part with the 4 dogs. They are her babies. She has rabbits and guinea-pigs too. Threatens to kill herself when the animals die.
My mother is a martyr-like 2 year old to ne honest. Sulks and complains.
I have promised myself never ever to be like that when I am old!

OP posts:

vjg13 · 26/12/2008 12:24

NMC, I work as a volunteer for a charity called the Cinnamon Trust. They help older people manage their pets at home with whatever help is needed by finding a local volunteer.

Have a look at the website and get in touch. My lady is in her eighties and has 2 big dogs who are really well cared for.

believer07 · 26/12/2008 12:38

Maybe you should send her to the naughty step then.

juicyjolly · 26/12/2008 12:53

Get as much help as poss from social services and maybe the Cinnamon Trust, phone your siblings and tell them if there is a financial cost to finding your mother help, then they must provide it! They cannot leave you to face all this each and every day. You sound like you have done great up to now, but everyone needs a little help and sometimes we need a lot. Good Luck.

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 26/12/2008 12:54

thanks vjg. I did call them back in March when she broke her wrist and ankle and was in plaster for 6 weeks and they did nothing. Its possible they have no local volunteers. But I'll try them again. I am not cleaning out her rabbits and guinea-pigs!!
All her animals are ridicuoulsyy elderly (rabbits are 8 years old ffs) and she treats them like children so they live practically forever!
(I'm not really a pet person. I like cats. They take care of themselves )
Still waiting for the doc to call. I'll go over there and let him in but they reckoned a 6 hour wait. I called them at 10am!

OP posts:

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 26/12/2008 12:56

juicy, my siblings just refuse and then tell my mother I'm companing. Mother then goes into martyr mmode 'no-one loves me, no-one wants to help blah de blah de blah'
Thing is, and this is a horrible thing to say, she's not someone I would choose to be friends with. Daily Mail reader. Says nasty things about my religion and anyone with brown skin.
Thanks for letting me vent though. There's nowhere else

OP posts:

Joolyjoolyjoo · 26/12/2008 13:05

YANBU. It's really hard on you to have the stress and practical complications of dealing with your mum on top of everything else, while your siblings lead a care-free life, but unfortunately it seems to be the way it works in a lot of families- the least "able" person seems to end up with all the reponsibilities . I suppose I just think maybe karma will reward you for all your efforts somewhere down the line, and that it makes you a better person than your siblings- albeit a more tired, stressed and fed-up better person!

Here's hoping your mum is back on an even keel soon, and things get a bit easier for you.

Lulumamaloveslatkes · 26/12/2008 13:07

maybe it is time you stopped looking after her and let social services help her, if you are not caring for her, then surely the choice is not hers to refuse their care?

you have enough on your plate

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 26/12/2008 13:10

they will only help when the care needs become constant but its intermittent, like when she has a migraine or feels poorly or like now, chest infection. Then she calls me.
Even then its shit. The bloke next door to mum is bed-bound. He's too frail to gte up. Carers come 3 times a day to feed, wash and toilet him. The rest of the time he is alone. (one carer left him on the commode at lunchtime, forgot to come back in the evening and he sat on the commode till the following morning. He then had a stroke cos of the stress of it all)
I do feel like a bad person for not wanting to run around after her but I'm exhausted.

OP posts:

ilovelovemydog · 26/12/2008 13:15

NMC: idea: get some brochures for a residential home and bring them with you next time you have a proper visit with your mom. It may be worth letting her have a look at the alternative so she agrees with allowing the daily help. You can't do it all.

Just an idea

Lulumamaloveslatkes · 26/12/2008 13:22

so, she is basically an old lady who essentially just needs a bit of help now and again?

in which case you don;t need to drop everything and run to her every demand, no?

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 26/12/2008 13:25

when the help is needed its always full on. Heart attack or broken limb or , like today, such a bad chest infection she cant get out of bed or breathe properly. And these 'episodes' are getting more frequent.
Thats my main worry. The future. dd's needs are increasing too as she gets bigger and my MS is getting worse (didn't use to need a chair)
I reckon I'm going to explode within a year!

OP posts:

juicyjolly · 26/12/2008 13:26

needmore....Try writing your siblings a letter telling them what you have told us, tell them what your life is like and how you feel, tell them you need help.

You are doing a great job, but I know what it is like and you cant do it all, something will give, so start asking for help, god knows you deserve it.

tengreenbottles · 26/12/2008 13:31

have you tryed your local age concern office ? they may have ideas that will be able to help you and your mum , if there are no cinnamon trust volunteers in your area ,then ask your siblings for the money to pay a dogwalker /petsitter . When your mum isnt ill is she able to go out and about ? Again age concern may have suggestions of activities that she could become involved in her local area ,if she is living a busy social life then she is less likely to need you . I wish i could so something practical to help you ,but i doubt i live near you ,if you do live in north yorkshire i would be happy ro help with the animals

ilovelovemydog · 26/12/2008 13:49

rascals retreat do a dog walking service...

OutNumbird · 26/12/2008 14:34

Your situation is horrible, NMC, but it is your choice to help out. If you want to conclude that your sibs are selfish sh*ts for not caring as much as you do about their mum, fair enough, but all the work you're doing for her is a choice. You can't change other people's (your siblings') feelings. Do you know that maternal hormones make us more empathetic, that's why (some!) childless people are so self-centred, their brains haven't been rewired by pregnancy/parental hormones.

Could you arrange short-notice/emergency help for yourself, so that when your mum calls on you it's not such a burden on top of your usual commitments?

I'd be sorely tempted to give some of the animals an overdose of barbituates (only kidding, before someone reports me to RSPCA, but then again, if a farmer breaks wild bunny's neck and cooks it RSPCA won't get them for that, so why not just give it some valium-laced carrots...?)

They trap & eat guinea pigs in South America, too.

findtheriver · 26/12/2008 14:56

I have to say I agree with OutNumBird.

Can't really comment on whether your siblings are being selfish - presumably they live and work abroad, and don't just spend all day sunning themselves on beaches?
I'm always a bit wary when people talk about family who have moved abroad as being 'selfish' because I've seen a few situations where family members try to guilt trip others who move away. Anyway, only you know your specific situation.

The other thing is, in reality, if you and your two siblings did genuinely try to divvy everything up fairly, then tbh, it would mean 3 people probably not being able to hold down a full time job because they'd have to be available to be called on in times of need. The harsh reality is that most people have to be getting on with their own lives and this might mean moving where the jobs are etc.

One of my siblings does a lot more for my father than I do, but the reality is that this is the only sibling out of 3 of us who lives near my father - and the reason for that is dead simple - he has a very higly paid job and can afford to live in that area, whereas my other sibling and I had to move away to be able to afford to live! So while I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt that my brother does more, there's no point dwelling on it.

I also think your mother is being really selfish in being so uncompromising about the pets etc. If she's dependent on others for care, then she ought to shift a little bit on this.

I agree that it's time to call in Social Services. I know that's hard when it goes against the grain, and some families have a big thing about wanting to keep care within the family. But I believe there comes a point where it's not all about the person being cared for - other people have needs too.

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 26/12/2008 15:43

still waiting for the doctor. Called them at 10 this morning. They reckon within 2 - 6 hours. Its now been 6 hours.

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 26/12/2008 15:47

Perhaps you should ask for her to be assessed for care again, or get her admitted to hospital - if she is too ill to be at home on her own and you will not care for her they will not be able to discharge her until they have sorted out care for her whether it be temporary or long term?

Very hard but perhaps you have to stop running to help her and tell ss that you can't do it anymore so she has to seek the support she needs?

higgle · 26/12/2008 15:52

Suggest you contact Social Services again - in my county (Gloucestershire) they would do something to help. As you desperately ned some support suggest you also find a good local domiciliary care provider ( SS will have a list, also the CSCI website) and ask your siblings to share the cost if Social Servies still will not help. Age Concern, Help the Aged and any charities specific to your mother's medical condition might also have som;e ideas.

VirginBoffinMum · 26/12/2008 15:55

What we need is Sure Start for elders. I think more and more of us are starting to have to face problems like this, and it's hard to get support from SS that is worth having (eg they sent someone in to my MIL who scrubbed her poor fragile end stage renal failure skin with a scrubbing brush during her weekly bath, really hurting her). Plus families are too small now to be able to offer a lot of help amongst them, and older people live a lot longer, which means the burden of care is probably more substantial now. At the last count I had a total of 8 elderly relatives who potentially could have problems at any time, and yet there's only me and my brother around to help, for example. That's all topsy-turvy. If there were 8 siblings and only 2 elderly people it would be do-able.

I did see an organisation who do au pairs for elderly people once, when I was looking for some info for my FIL - they basically live rent free in return for being on hand for occasional disasters, pet walking, etc. Do you think your mum would agree to something like that?

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