about this invite to go to a party?

[ilovetochatupsanta]

dp got a phonecall at the weekend from his friend's son to say they are arranging a surprise party for him and we were invited, dp said yes we will be there.
dp came off the phone and said they are having a party for X monday at the house (about 30min drive away) and it starts at 8pm so i said we will go.
i said what about dd, dp said she can come too, i said 8pm is too late to go to a party, she is 17 months old, he said we will sort it out, i said how when gps are on holiday, on crutches or in plaster? he said i may have to pop there on my own then?
genuine question, aibu to think we were all invited to a party and it's too late for dd so we all shouldn't go?

Initially, I thought you were BABU but on reading more of your posts I have realised that you are actually me. I have had these kinds of conversations with DH a lot over the last three years, not as many recently though.

I was often irked by his being able to do things on a whim e.g. pop for a drink after work or to go out on the odd bender while I was pregnant/breastfeeding. The bag-packing/lunch-organising thing has also been a bone of contention here. Sometimes, I used to insist on DH doing these kinds of things at the weekend when we were both here just cause I felt hard-done by to be the one ALWAYS doing it.

I think it's the feeling that we are both the parents but that it is always me thinking/planning ahead on behalf of the children (when/what are they going to eat? What do we need to take? Does DD need her hair washed tonight? What time shall we put them to bed? etc etc...)

Don't get me wrong, my DH is fantastic with our children and does more than his fair share. It's just that because I'm with the children so much of the time, it's actually much easier and quicker if I do most of the organising of the children and their stuff, even at weekends.

Having seen some of my friends' truly hopeless/selfish DPs, I have come to realise how lucky I am with mine so I tend to cut him some slack these days.

You're not alone though OP, I can really identify with your feelings. Get thee some nights out in the diary; I bet you'll feel one hundred times better when you're getting more time to yourself.

Arrrrgggghhh! Yes, yes, yes to your last post too!

If OH does the tea and bath, the bathroom and kitchen will be a complete mess afterwards, whereas I sort it as I go along so that everything is relatively tidy and welcoming when I come downstairs after putting the tots to bed.

I'm so with you on this ilove.

You need a babysitter.

Every couple with young children needs a babysitter. Start looking in the new year for a nice local teenager.

I think it points out that you need a babysitter. I suggest you do as nametaken says and find a teenager, or join a circle.
It is never a good idea to only have family sitting-it is too restrictive.

I would let him go by myself. My DD goes in to melt down after 7pm.

Unless you can get DD asleep at theirs? And wake her up to come home? I don't yet have experience of 17 month olds, would this work?

i wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her with many people, that's just me, probably cos we have never done it. my mom has has her twice and we had to ask both times, she has never offered. my dad wouldn't babysit. dps parents would but are unable to due to age, health, no idea of safety.
i agree we are both adults and do not need permission to go out. but dp just said yes we will be there and didn't even consider babysitters etc, when i said it's late he said he would go alone then. not he would sort a babysitter, that's not on to me.
dd doesn't go to sleep early and would probably stay awake till 8.30 but would be cranky, then she would fall asleep in the car and wake up again at home and get cranky again.
i am going to take her and then he will see she is cranky and we will all have to leave after an hour. he didn't suggest this, but i will.

take her night stuff and get her ready for bed before you leave the party. Then put her straight from the car into bed. Always did this with my dc's and they would hardly wake up.

might try tha christy.
olifin maybe our dps compare notes on how to annoy

YABU but perhaps he should have checked with you first.

Are these good friends? I would think taking her would be fine if they are. Do they have children? what kind of party is it?

i have met him once and dp has seen him twice in 7 years, there son is about 20 and organising the party. its a surprise birthday party at their house. we have never been to their house.

At this age, I would allow DD to stay up later than her normal bed time. I don't think it will hurt her routine, and in fact it will do her good to socialise in a different environment than normal.

When we had just the one child, we used to take him out to parties. He was flexible enough not to be tied to a specific routine, and we, depending on how well we knew the hosts, would take our travel cot.

Also, sometimes it is just a case of dropping in for half an hour. Having a baby/toddler doesn't mean you can never go out. We have never lived near family so never had the luxury of having babysitters on standby. We just made do.

If you don't get a babysitter, bring her but put her in the buggy and pop a blanket over her and if you're not totally opposed to this shocking idea, give her 6mls of calpol and a bottle of milk and she'll fall asleep in her buggy.

My dc would NEVER have fallen asleep in a travel cot upstairs in a strange house.

But I agree with pps, you deserve a babysitter, all the organisation required to plan a night out shouldn't all automatically fall to you.

I totally understand where you are coming from Ilovetochatupsanta as my Dh is going on a stag day/eve on BOXING DAY! People have said t me 'it's only one day but quite frankly, he works away in business a lot ie at least 2-3 nights a week, has been out for his company xmas meals, drinks and even chooses to go to work on Xmas eve day as at lunchtime he can go to pub with everyone. So boxing day should be spent with myself and his children imo and it pisses me off as no (female)friend of mine would organise a stag event in Boxing Day ffs!

So you have my sympathies

YABVU, if you do not want to go to the party because it will disrupt your DD then why should your poor DH have to miss out too?

You are the one finding a problem and really I think it will be the be all and end all if your DD has one late night.

You said you were looking forward to doing family things, so go do them, having a baby does not mean you sit indoors till they are 18 years old and off to uni.

Its Christmas go have fun

YABU on this occasion! Either let DP go alone or take DD with you and deal with the crankiness together. He probably didn't think to organise a babysitter as you have said that you're not comfortable leaving DD with many people

However, agree with the others that you need to talk to DP about the fact that it is always you that has to see to DD. It sounds like you're more annoyed about this than the party invite itself?! Arrange some nights out for yourself (with or without DP).

I think people might be a bit harsh with the BU verdicts - it depends on what kind of baby you have. Some people are lucky enough to have these placid adaptable babies that will sleep anywhere and don't mind disruption. My DS2 is like this. DS1 however was a holy nightmare and if we even went slightly off routine with him we rued the day. People always used to tell me to just take him places and he would sleep, etc etc, he wouldn't and we learnt to accept him for the child he was. (And still is.) It's only now we have DS2 who is so different I can see that people have no idea how awful it can be if your child isn't flexible.

Dunno if this is entirely relevant, ilove, yours might be an angel, but I know how it is when going out of routine can be more trouble than it's worth. It won't be forever!

thanks cupcakes, it's nice to be understood.
i would never give her calpol to get her to sleep. i would never put her upstairs in her travel cot in a strange house full of strange people.
i don't stick to strict routine, i have already said i would be happy to taker dd to the party and see how it goes. if she is crying we can all come home, if she is dancing and happy we can stay and she can sleep on the way home. i am willing to try this.
BUT i am a bit shocked how many people think that if we all get asked to a party, just because i am the one who stops to consider dd i should stop at home with her. so dp can go where he likes when he likes cos he doesn't worry about dd?

Santa...I don't think that people are taking your DP's side and saying that you should automatically be the one to stay at home with DD. IMO a lot of people have suggested that if you can't all go then let DP go on his own because you've said that the party is for DP's friend?! If they were mutual friends then perhaps the response would have been for him to stay at home and for you to go on your own [well, that's what I would have said anyway].
DP shouldn't be able to just do as he likes as he doesn't worry about your DD but at the same time, we usually end up being the ones that lose out because it's easier for us to do it...we are the primary carer after all (there are times when I have gone out and left DS with DH and I dread coming home cos I know that things won't have been done properly (ie my way hee,hee!)...DH has been known to let DS go to bed without brushing his teeth or letting him sleep in our bed cos he's kicked up a mega fuss but I know that unless I let DH do things his way then he'd just say 'well, I won't bother next time'!
The odd occasion won't hurt as I said before, grit your teeth and just make sure you get some 'you' time back later on.

i get what youa are saying haribo, i think because we are the primary carers though, that's even more reason why partners should take more responsibility when they are here.
dp doesn#t understand why i get annoyed that he just popped to the gym on the way home, just popped round his moms, just popped to the pub for a drink, just going to the work's do. none of these things are bad but they are all things i would like to just pop and do without having to arrange dd's care or drag her with me. and once in a while i'd like him to just pop straight home after work and see me and dd.
tomorrow is xmas day so i must stop now and get into the xmas spirit {grin]
dd is in bed after nurofen with a temp of 101, she was in a+e 2 weeks ago with a viral infection so i'm just hoping she is ok when she wakes up and we can get all christmassy.

ok Santa...now I get what you're saying too
You need to sit down and discuss this with DP and let him know that you need 'your' time and 'family' time too. Maybe you need to organise things that mean he has to come home? If we stay around the house at the w/ends, then I find that DH is on the computer/playstation etc but if we have plans then he's happy to be with the family. They're men after all and unfortunately, if you don't tell them then they can't seem to figure it out!
Hope your DD feels better and you all have a lovely xmas. However, your point is important and it's definitely not just about this party so hope you can get something sorted.

happy christmas everyone even if you think iabu
my new year's resolution will be to arrange some me time.

Not a bad age for parties, really, though easier if she'd been to a few already and was more used to it. We used to take dd to parties until she was about 4; it just meant that one or other of us had to take a bit of time out to put her somewhere safe to sleep when she got too tired to keep her eyes open. When small children are 'invited' too, most people will have a room where the kids can sleep. On the other hand, it won't hurt her if she stays awake way past her normal bedtime.

Go and have a good time.