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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that your friend doen't' constantly criticise your make up / hair /style to your face and then to others behind your back?

32 replies

columbolover · 21/12/2008 09:37

I'm not a frequent poster on MN but am so upset and angry.
Have friend who, since I had ds, is always criticising my appearance which is apparently dull and boring, with suggestions about seeing a make up specialist, wearing a corset to keep my belly in (am a size 8, with no obvious tum!), wear more interesting clothes etc. Up til now I've ignored the comments but have been hurt by them. DH and I don't go out much, so I never really know what anyone is wearing, plus I'm too busy at work and chasing after ds that I don't always pay too much attention to these details, and have more to think about. But I do look after myself, use good products etc and don't think I do that bad

But last night we were out with group of friends for first time in ages. Spent ages choosing correct outfit, and had recently had hair dyed back to natural colour as was in v bad conditon. Also, have not been feeling very confident in myself and a bit down and anxious in the last few months which no one except dh knows about, but was looking forward to catching up with everyone.

So, cue lots of discussion between friend and acquaintance about me - couldn't hear what was said but could tell by looks on face and staring the general negative gist. Acquaintance (and her dp) later came up and both said "we do not like your new look" . Have not seen either of them in months and this was their first words to me. I was taken aback at this - and said so, politely. Then 10 mins later I caught her her and close friend discussing me again - to which I angrily confronted them and said they were rude discussing me so obviously like this, how dare they, where were their manners etc, and stomped off

I don't care what my friend thinks about how I look, which is slim, reasonably pretty when effort is put in!, but its the way she and others just feel its ok to say hurtful comments to me. Plus, they are not exactly catwalk material themselves, but I would never criticise my friend's or anyone else's appearance.

I've put up with this for ages and just blew up. I know my friend will phone me and expect me to apologise for overreacting and I really want to be assertive with her, and in fact stop being as friendly with her as I don't think this is a good relationship anymore.

OP posts:
Libraloveschristmas1975 · 21/12/2008 09:38

They are not your friends. Ger rid.

ssd · 21/12/2008 09:39

she's not a friend, you don't need her

can you avoid her in the future?

and jesus, don't apologise! she sounds a nutter

Parsleypants · 21/12/2008 09:41

They sound jealous IMO.

Ignore the beeatches.

crispyduck · 21/12/2008 09:41

friends shouldnt make you feel like this
are they jealous of you?

McDreamyingofawhiteXmas · 21/12/2008 09:42

Agree with Libra, not friends, get rid, move on. Really sorry they spoke to you like they did especially feeling the way you do at the moment.

wilkosroastingonanopenfire · 21/12/2008 09:43

they are toxic and not your friends. you didnt overreact, they were extremely rude.

size 8? wtf is she going on about a corset for??

Pennies · 21/12/2008 09:43

She sounds like a bitch. Did you not go back at all?

If she phones be firm to her and make your point. If she seems to be expecting an apology make it clear to her that she is the one who should apologise.

Write what you want to say down now and keep it with you in readiness for the call so you can make sure you say exactly what you want to. Don't swear or anything at her (I'm not saying you would BTW) just be firm, assertive and frank.

Then cut her out of your life. She is not a friend if this is how she behaves. Nor are any others who were talking about you with her IMO.

J2O · 21/12/2008 09:45

what cows! who do they think they are?! just tell her you can no longer be her friend as her 'appearance' does not fit in with the image that you expect from your friends.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2008 09:49

They are not your friends-don't have anything more to do with them. Reading betwen the lines I would say they are jealous!

Original poster
columbolover · 21/12/2008 09:50

Thanks for your support - pennies, that is a good idea about writing down what to say, think I will rehearse it in my head too! However I must apologise and say its too late re the swearing as I did when I confronted them, only once though
Am upset that mine and dh night was ruined - we just went home. Though he is being supportive and isn't upset with me about it.

Can't think why they would be jealous to be honest, and I don't think I have done anything to annoy my friend since having ds that she would say these things to me. Up until now I've been so taken aback that I've just sat in stunned silence.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 21/12/2008 09:53

I have just seen that you say your friend will be expecting you to phone and apologise! I shouldn't bother contacting her at all. If she ever gets back to you just tell her, very politely, that you found it upsetting, wish her well but tell her you have moved on.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2008 09:55

I would say they are jealous because you are slim, have a job and a good home life.

crispyduck · 21/12/2008 09:57

size 8, slim
wish that was me

Pennies · 21/12/2008 09:58

Swearing at her at the time is perfectly reasonable! I'm sure I would have done to, in buckets! I'm impressed you only did the once.

I do find that subsequent cool, measured anger often gets the point across much better and you are safe on moral high ground then too!

crispyduck · 21/12/2008 09:59

agree with pennies

Ronaldinhio · 21/12/2008 10:03

Ask someone truly impartial if you look a fright.

I know this goes against the flow of advice here but it might be just might be that your "friend" genuinely is trying to help you out of a deep rut.

Some people can't stop themselves from trying to "help" you out no matter how hurtful their advice may seem.
Perhaps she thinks that your dc have taken over and you've lost all sense of your self as a woman

cece · 21/12/2008 10:05

Do not apologise! It is them that should be apologising to you...

I agree they don't sound like friends to me, cut them out of your life.

lizziebeth · 21/12/2008 10:07

She sounds like a total bitch, she owes you the apology.

Ronaldinhio · 21/12/2008 10:07

I'm not suggesting she is right though just that she might not be as black as she appears.
~Also it might be that all she has of value in her life atm are her looks and appearance.

Properly assess your feelings and then get her to talk you through what she has said to you.
It might be a decent sentiment carried out in completely the wrong way. She may be more to be pitied than anything else.

Sorry it has got you down though

starbear · 21/12/2008 10:17

I agree with Ronaldinihio, only for the constructive critique part. ONLY if you care and it is a part of who you are. I don't give a flying fig at mom about my appearance will do next year when Ds is at school. I have tried to be constructive with a BF about work circumstances as it means so much to her and I try and take the other person point of view to help her construct a a solution other wise its hurtful and unfriendly dump her.

Ronaldinhio · 21/12/2008 10:21

Does that mean you disagree with the rest starbear?

starbear · 21/12/2008 10:27

No, all of it is good but she shouldn't apologise it was mean and uncaring not to do this in private. Must go other wise my friends will think I'm a fright in old jeans and smelly t-shirt. Speak to you lot tomorrow

ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch · 21/12/2008 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ilovejonty · 21/12/2008 12:01

I know this is a cliche, but with friends like that who needs enemies? Thoroughly unkind bahanviour, I would not even discuss a stranger for fear of upsetting anyone with looks etc. It aloso sounds as though (very childish) jealousy could be at the bottom of this.

Dump the so-called 'friends'. If you are size 8 and take care with your appearance you are bound to look great so please don't worry.

Original poster
columbolover · 21/12/2008 12:29

Ronaldinhio - thanks for your perspective on this, and yes I initially believed she was trying to give me well meant advice, and possibly she still is, but it just seems that every time I see her she makes comments about how I should change the way I look. I don't look any different to anyone else though, I'm not a wacky dresser or anything, I wonder now if she is annoyed at me becoming a mum and having different - and more real - priorities. Possibly I am in a bit of a rut from the point of view that I don't have much "me" time and don't really go to great lengths re fashion, going out a lot etc - though I never have done anyway.

I think I will speak to her and tell her calmly that I've had enough of it and try and find out if there is some kind of problem. But I really can't forgive this meanness about me to others, though I know she'll turn it round to being my fault.

Thanks for all your support, away to chase after ds and persuade to go for a nap!

OP posts: