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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross that dh has gone out and spent this week's grocery budget on booze...

62 replies

ilovejonty · 20/12/2008 12:09

.... because - in his words - 'it's Christmas'?

I was so annoyed, we are struggling at the moment, like many people I guess. I gave up a good job to be a sahm and have no money of my own. I was all set to go to Tesco last night but dh arrived home laden with (expensive booze) which he had bought on his way home from work. I asked how much he spent and he said £60. I know he lies and it was probebly more. Even so I was staggered. One bottle of chanpagne cost £10 when I would have been happy with £3 cava.

I said he could have beans on toast last night as I had no money to buy groceries.

I am not a scrooge but he is so extravagant imo. AIBU? And can nI take the £10 bottle of champagne back to get a refund? He won't let me have the receipt?

OP posts:
rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 20/12/2008 13:32

can you not return it?

the booze i mean, and then spend the £60 on food?

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 20/12/2008 13:32

YANBU either but the other posters are right in that there are issues around his spending which need to be tackled

when you are using a Credit card to pay for everyday stuff it is not good

Original poster
ilovejonty · 20/12/2008 13:33

ruby - I could try to exchange it I suppose, he wouldn't give me the receipt.

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 20/12/2008 13:36

It seems as though you have many issues with your dh and for that I doff my cap

However he is no doubt finding this crunch just as hard as you and perhaps felt he could spend some of his money on a little Christmas cheer he has as much right to spend his money unwisely as you do to siphon it off.

It must be difficult to give up control of your own finances.

Apply for cleaning jobs/bar jobs/babysitting when dh is home etc.

Remove all technical language from your cv and talk about the skills that you learned in each role in layman's terms.
List achievements in terms of managing tasks/time/people etc.

Try industrial/employment recruitment firms. They will often have evening work for waiting on staff.

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 20/12/2008 13:37

why won't he give you the receipt?

Original poster
ilovejonty · 20/12/2008 13:38

Thanks Ronaldinhio, that's actually very useful advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovejonty · 20/12/2008 13:38

Ruby - because he's an awkward, miserable and stubborn pig.

OP posts:
rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 20/12/2008 13:40

that is crap

do you feel strong enough to challenge him now

if not, i would call the store and explain that you need to return some stuff with no receipt - an exchange should be ok

Original poster
ilovejonty · 20/12/2008 13:43

Hi Ruby, I will call the store and ask. He is at work today and I am at home with no car so cannot go back on my own to return the six bottles of booze as they won't transport well on a buggy! I may be able to call my parents and ask for a lift though...

He won't be ahppy when he gets home though.

OP posts:
HarktheheraldAnglepoise · 20/12/2008 13:44

YANBU. I'd be livid I think.

None of my business, but surely there's no point in having savings and credit card debt?

dittany · 20/12/2008 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ilovejonty · 20/12/2008 13:45

Angels, yes I have thought about that. But I feel more secure having access to a bit of cash instead of putting it towards the debt (the savings I have would barely make a dent in the debt anyway).

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 20/12/2008 13:46

I think that, on balance, I am happy with my post dittany but thanks for the commentary

nbee84 · 20/12/2008 13:47

While I understand why you have siphoned some money off, can I just say that it doesn't make financial sense to have money sitting in a bank account while you have an overdraft and credit card debts.

Do you know where he bought the booze? If it is a supermarket you could try taking it back without the receipt as they may let you buy groceries to that value. You could also replace the champagne with a bottle of Cava and some of the other alcohol with cheaper/own brand substitutes so that there are still some treats for Christmas.

Original poster
ilovejonty · 20/12/2008 13:50

nbee- but if I put the meagre amount of savings towards the overdraft I will then have no cash, still be massively overdrawn and still owe the same on the credit card. It's not as iff I have ££££s stashed away. I think it's about £80 now.

OP posts:
nbee84 · 20/12/2008 13:50

sorry x post - saw your response after I had posted.

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 20/12/2008 13:57

Actually whilst suns wise you're better off clearing the card, there is a lot os sense in having an emergency fund if you're a non earning person; if 6the mariage breaks down, someone dies joint account can be a massive problem as credirt cards also... plus there is an important psychological bonus too

dittany · 20/12/2008 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ronaldinhio · 20/12/2008 15:22

Dittany

I think that when finances are tight that both men and women should provide food for the family. That the burden shouldn't fall only onto the man.

It was the op's decision to leave work and she is now facing the financial insecurities afforded (unfairly) lots of sahm's.

The DH in question does work to provide food for his family.

When was it made clear that the alcohol was for himself?

The OP made decisions relating to their budget that it is clear her dh did not agree with.
He has shown that by spending £60 on booze that she had earmarked for groceries.

It is massively difficult to influence the spending patterns of another unless they are in full agreement and hold the same philosophy on saving/credit.

Therefore if the op gives up a job as main breadwinner and then decides the new household budget, what is secretly saved and what their new attitude to credit is...I'd say she was being unreasonable to expect complete compliance from her husband.

I'm hope/am sure he did it with complete innocence and ignorance formed over many years/ patterns of behaviour.

Again I doff my cap to the op but think that her expectation was too high and therefore unreasonable.

Doubt he'll do it next year but there again lots of people overspend at Christmas and not during the rest of the year so maybe not

mrsjammilovessantababy · 20/12/2008 18:42

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mrsjammilovessantababy · 20/12/2008 19:16

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jalopy · 20/12/2008 19:20

What attracted you to this irresponsible lout?

dittany · 20/12/2008 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ronaldinhio · 20/12/2008 19:35

give over Dittany, a drink problem because he spent £60 on booze for Christmas? har de har

I never said that the op had forced the decision on her husband...did I?

But she was the main earner and decided to become a sahm and now things are tight.

In that situation it would be safe to assume that getting some form of job to help out would help and the op felt she was overqualified for many things.
When needs must choice goes out the window though so I suggested someways to help with her cv.
She thanked me for that "pointless" help

It seems you are very surprised anyone holds a different viewpoint on this particular question but they do so perhaps you could try to understand a different viewpoint from your own as well?

Does this touch a nerve for you Dittany?
Just a suggestion....

twinsetiscrapatflouncing · 20/12/2008 19:36

A £10 bottle of champagne does not seem unreasonable but blowing the budget on booze is.

Like many families we have had a tough time financially lately so I totally understand the temptation to have a blow out at this time of year.

I do not understand though why you would not let your dh look after your child on his own.

I earm more than dp and have more job security than him so if we are lucky enough to ever have a child he would be the one to stay at home. Could you really not conisider swapping roles.

I do not agree that if you really want to make money that there is not a way. We are broke and depsite having a full time job which requires a lot of work at home, a ill ness that makes me tired and a family I am about to start some cleaning work so next year will be easier