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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go my Auntie's funeral? Mum has just had a right go at me

33 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 19/12/2008 13:50

I know no-one wants to go to funerals but I really can't cope with them, so I haven't gone (it's this afternoon)

My mum has just phoned me and had a right go "I'd have thought you'd have gone! What are people going to think? Bet everyone else will be there except you!"

She ended up putting the phone down on me when I told her that I couldn't have gone anyway because I wouldn't have been able to get time off work "That's no excuse, they make exceptions for funerals!" That's not even true, not where I work anyway, not for an Auntie

I know it's too late for this time, but I'm from a very big family so I've got lots of Auntie's and Uncle's (none of whom I ever see) so I'm asking for next time

Should I have gone?

OP posts:

TheSeriousSanta · 19/12/2008 13:52

Only you know if you should have gone or not, but I would have gone.

I went to my Gran's funeral, even though I didn't get on with her and hadn't acutally seen her for about 6 years.

It was important for other members of the family (My mum especially).

I think it's important to pay your last respects and be seen to do that...

Just MHO

Lulumama · 19/12/2008 13:53

hmmmmmmmmm

were you close to her?

surely you could have booked time off work

was this your mum;s sister?

i think that really, you should have gone, part of being an adult is doing things, such as going to funerals, that are sad, unpleasant and traumatic, but i think death is part of life, and sometime you have to suck it up, put your persoanl feelings aside, and do the right thing

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 19/12/2008 13:53

Yes, and if necessary you should use half a day of your annual leave entitlement. I'm not having a go at you in any way, shape or form but really, this is what families are for to support each other and put on a show of unity.

tiredemma · 19/12/2008 13:56

I would go.

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 19/12/2008 13:58

I wasn't close to her, haven't seen her for about 12 years. Haven't seen much of her at all throughout my life. Although we're a big family, we're really not that close

I haven't got any holidays left, and out of 8 people here there are only 3 in today (others are using up holidays before Christmas) so it really would have been hard to say the least for me to get time off

It's my Dad's sister not my mums

Looks like I should've gone though...

OP posts:

Lulumama · 19/12/2008 13:59

if you are close to your dad, then you should have been there for him

sorry, but you did the wrong thing. you could have booked the day off when you found out when the funeral was

funerals are also a celebration of life and a chance for you all to get togerher, reminisce and be close

RiojaLover75 · 19/12/2008 14:01

Sorry yes I would have gone, your Mum and the rest of your family would appeciate your support. No-one likes funerals BUT they are an essential part of family life IMHO.

Sorry for your loss NotActuallyAMum

FiveGoMadInDorset · 19/12/2008 14:01

Yes, regardless how close you were to your Auntie you should have been there to support your father.

RiojaLover75 · 19/12/2008 14:03

Can you not just pull a last minute sickie??? I don't usually advocate sickies but funerals are important.

Or talk to your line manager and see if you can leave for a couple of hours and make up the time elsewhere?

RiojaLover75 · 19/12/2008 14:03

Can you not just pull a last minute sickie??? I don't usually advocate sickies but funerals are important.

Or talk to your line manager and see if you can leave for a couple of hours and make up the time elsewhere?

MillyR · 19/12/2008 14:06

I don't think you should have gone.

My Mum does not make demands of me, and I hope that when my children are grown up, I won't make emotional demands of them.

Some people can cope better with funerals than others. I don't find them difficult, but I understand that some people do, and would not expect them to attend.

Perhaps your Mum just over-reacted because she was upset about the death, and will not be as bothered when some time has passed.

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 19/12/2008 14:07

different worklaces have different rules- if someone in Dh's family dies in Secember he's only allowed to go if it is his parents or nuclear family. Dh had to have 3 interviews with bosses to decide if he could attend the session last week where ds3 was diagnosed with autism- Paed wouldn't dx without both of us there.

So IMHO if you really ddn't want to go you should have used th 'I can't get time off, I did try, I am so sorry' line

But yes if you had been able to get time you should have gone, basic respect an all. Then saying you didn't want to go rubs it in i think.

ShinyPinkShoes · 19/12/2008 14:08

I think you should have gone.

I would feel quite hurt if I were your Mum/Dad

Lulumama · 19/12/2008 14:09

i really don;t think opting out of things that are sad or difficult is an adult way to behave, and i think we need to show our children that sometimes our own personal feelings are overshadowed by other more important things

when my parent's sisters and brothers do pass away, there will be no question of not going to the funerals.

it is what families do, to support each other

i appreciate that people handle things differently, but not wanting to go to a funeral is normal, and you really have to get over it!

mumof2222222222222222boys · 19/12/2008 14:10

Difficult to tell you what you should do - only you know your family.

however, I think it is important to go to funerals to support the mourners, ie if your mum is one of the main mourners, and wants you there, I think you should have gone.

I know that it is not that easy to get time off, but you can usually swing it (holiday / unpaid) for something like a funeral.

MillyR · 19/12/2008 14:24

I seem to be the only person who thinks you shouldn't have gone! Perhaps I am taking what you have said too literally.

You said that you did not go because you really could not cope with it. I am taking this to mean that if you had gone, you would have been broken down during the funeral and would have behaved in a way that other people would have found people very distressing. Alternatively, you mean that you could have coped while you were there, but the psychological effect would have been so great that it would leave you unable to cope afterwards, and that it would have influenced your mental stability/ capacity to work/ look after yourself etc.

If you literally cannot cope with funerals, how can your family or anyone else expect you to attend?

Lulumama · 19/12/2008 14:26

Millyr, i agree that if the OP has a real psychological issue that would have left her seriously traumatised then that is different

MadreInglese · 19/12/2008 14:29

Personally I think you should go to a funeral for yourself, not to support others. If you don't want to go, for whatever reason, then don't go.

Just my opinion though.

GrimmaTheNome · 19/12/2008 14:37

I actually find the overwhelming 'should have gone' a little odd. Most of my aunts and uncles and elder relations have died - I've been to some funerals and not others, for a variety of reasons. I've never had any stick from the rest of my family. The last family funeral, I was able to go, one of my brothers couldn't - we missed seeing him but knew he was busy so perfectly understood it. In a largish family you really don't need everyone there.

ElectraInExcelsis · 19/12/2008 14:39

It is up to you to decide whether to go or not, and I don't think anyone has the right to judge you for not going.

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 19/12/2008 14:40

Thanks for your replies, I do appreciate it

I really couldn't have booked the day off, I've got no holidays left, and even if I had there are only 3 of us here today out of 8 (hence the very late lunch break!)

Just for the record, my Dad (Auntie's brother) said it was "entirely up to me" whether I went or not, it's my Mum who's got the problem

I've just spoken to one of my brothers, he spoke to Mum last night and said he wasn't going, she didn't say a word to him!

OP posts:

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 19/12/2008 14:40

Its a personal choice and not one that should be made because of what others think, had you told your mum you weren't going, if not, not really suprising she was a bit shocked.

christmasiana · 19/12/2008 14:44

i didn't go to a distant relatives funeral because was on anniversary of my Dad dying and just couldn't have coped with it. i got quite a lot of grief in advance about it but what i did was go and see all the family the day before taking soup and some loaves of banana bread and chatted then and caught up with them all so i think that helped.

could you do something like that, go and see some of the closer family?

Poppycake · 19/12/2008 14:45

People are very different about funerals. I would always try to get to a close relative's, but used to feel that if it was someone more distant that I might be intruding on someone else's grief. But then I moved to Ireland where it (IME) it's been absolutely expected that you will always do your best to get to someone's funeral, and I've been rather infected by that now.

I'm not even religious and don't believe in life after death, but I do think now that it's important (a) to show solidarity with the fellow mourners and (b) to show to other people whose funerals you might end up attending that you would. I know (b) sounds weird but it's very important to some people, and might also be influencing your Mum a bit.

Podrick · 19/12/2008 14:49

There are 3 potential reasons to go:

Because you want to go for yourself (obviously not on this occaision)
Because people you care about and who are suffering would like your support (presumably your mum and dad?)
To keep up appearances

Not everyone would bother about reason number 3.

If reason number 2 applied then it wasn't very supportive to choose not to go, but i don't know how you feel about your parents, maybe you don't particularly want to support them for whatever reason?
Workplaces do allow time off for funerals even if you need to take it as leave so if I was your mother I would have been pretty unimpressed by giving this as a reason for not going.

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