to not go my Auntie's funeral? Mum has just had a right go at me

[NotActuallyAMum]

I know no-one wants to go to funerals but I really can't cope with them, so I haven't gone (it's this afternoon)

My mum has just phoned me and had a right go "I'd have thought you'd have gone! What are people going to think? Bet everyone else will be there except you!"

She ended up putting the phone down on me when I told her that I couldn't have gone anyway because I wouldn't have been able to get time off work "That's no excuse, they make exceptions for funerals!" That's not even true, not where I work anyway, not for an Auntie

I know it's too late for this time, but I'm from a very big family so I've got lots of Auntie's and Uncle's (none of whom I ever see) so I'm asking for next time

Should I have gone?

I told her when she first told me that Auntie had passed away that I didn't want to go, and I also said that if it was Thursday or later I wouldn't be able to get time off work because so many people were off. She did pull a face at the time but I really didn't expect this

christmasiana, she has 3 children and several grandchildren but I don't know where any of them live, I haven't seen any of them for years

We really are not that close as an extended family. Dad and Mum hadn't seen her themselves for about 4 years

Podrick my Mum and Dad aren't suffering, really they're not. Like I said in my previous post (which of course I appreciate you hadn't seen) they hadn't seen her themselves for about 4 years

I do think though that you've well and truly hit the nail on the head with 'keeping up appearances' as far as Mum's concerned. This is the woman who, when one of my brothers buggered off on holiday with a woman despite having a wife and 2 young children said "Oh no! What's everyone going to think? We've got such a good name in this village too!". Not "Oh his poor wife" or "Oh those poor children"

And honestly, not all employers allow time off for funerals (see PeachyBids post above) We can request it, but they can refuse. The only way to ensure time off is to take holiday, which as I've already said, wasn't an option on this occasion

From everything you've said - YANBU. Your mum is, a bit.

Yes you should have gone.

Your parents haven't seen her for 4 years and they are cross because you won't go to her funeral? To be honest I think its more friendly to visit people when they are alive.

your mum is hurt on your dad's behalf I think. She may well have seen his disappointment.

I would consider getting the addresses of your deceased aunt's children and writing a personal note and sending it with a card. I would also go and sit with my dad and spend some tiem with him. He is mourning someone he grew up with and has been reminded of his own mortality.

If you couldn't get time off work, you couldn't. However I would make an effort to do something.

yes, you should have gone

No, you shouldn't have goine.

you're mum said it all in teh comment 'what will people think?' it's usually about appearances when this comment get raised. If you weren't close and you've got lots of reletives then io dobn't see why you should go. in our family (sounds similar, large extended family not all close) it seems the older gebneration expect a turn out to afuneral and its sometimes more point scoring 'look, more of my family came than yours..' etc.

i didn't go to my grandads funeral because i hadn't seen him fpor a few months and he turned out to be a right tw*t.