Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sil should not be buying my alchoholic partner a bottle of baileys for christmas?

33 replies

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 17/12/2008 11:44

He has had a problem for a long time, he is now starting to get it sorted and has been very good lately.
For example, he had a work do on MOnday at a pub and didn't drink, he has a meal with clients on Friday night and is driving so he won't drink.
Two months ago he would have been slaughtered at both, probably got lost on the way home and i would have ended up with a lot of verbal abuse to boot.

He is doing so well and although he is still drinking it is far far less than it was. He knows he needs proffesional help and is waiting for this to happen. (waiting list etc)

Christmas is always going to be hard for an alchoholic, everyone will want a glass of something and the temptation is everywhere.

His sil has been told by me a few times that he is an alchoholic, she has told me i need to make more of an effort, that if i did he would be happier and behave better. Apparently i am overweight and difficult. (i am a size 10-12 and always have been, if i am tetchy it is because he has been pissed and abusive).

Their father is an alchoholic as is their brother.

Anyway, sil called to tell me she has bought him a bottle of baileys for christmas.

me; "um, he's an alchoholic, can you not change it for a book or something"
her; "oh yeah? Well that's nice, i tell you what i'll get him a bottle of coke and treat himm like a child shall i?"
me; "click burrrrr........"

OP posts:
TheFalconInThePearTree · 17/12/2008 11:47

YANBU. She's clearly insane or a bitch, perhaps both.

Original poster
Idrankthechristmasspirits · 17/12/2008 11:49

I think both. It would be laughable if i weren't so cross.

OP posts:
shootRudolphinthehip · 17/12/2008 11:49

Arsehole. Buy her a nice personality for her christmas. Oh and if you can find one, let me know where so I can get one for my MIL

georgiemum · 17/12/2008 11:50

Sabotage!!!! There is always a sabateur! I ask my patients to keep an eye out for those who don't want them to change. I can be unconscious so I am not saying she is a mad, uncaring, heartless cow. I wouldn't say that. You can though.

Gorionine · 17/12/2008 11:50

Does she realise the extent of hr Ds's problem or is she blissfully unaware? I is sometime hard for a mother to face up to their children having difficulties. Although, I would have thought that if her own DH was an alcoholic she would understand better.

CharleeInPantoPaperChains · 17/12/2008 11:50

What an arse.

Tell your dp in advance and tell him your worried about her buying it for him.

ChristmasDisco · 17/12/2008 11:51

Cow. I can't believe people can be so stupid and insensitive

elkiedee · 17/12/2008 11:51

Does your SIL have a problem herself? She clearly doesn't want to recognise that your dp has. And she sounds like a bitch as well.

YANBU and this sounds like an awful situation.

shootRudolphinthehip · 17/12/2008 11:52

Unconscious georgiemum...have you had a bump on the head? Are you ok? Am I misreading that?

beanieb · 17/12/2008 11:54

My EX's family used to buy him alcohol every christmas despite the fact that it was clear he had a problem. I noticed that they would ply him with alcohol and his brother with food. I think it was the roles they had created for them, the jolly fat one and the jolly drinker.

Weird thing about your situation is that she KNOWS he is an alcoholic.

would you be able to talk to your OH about this, tell him what she is planning and suggest to him that he call her and ask her not go buy alcohol.

AMIStletoekiss · 17/12/2008 11:58

Does your DP have the willpower to simply open it and tip the contents down the sink? If he tells her that's what he's going to do with it then it might get through to her that this is a genuine problem. She sounds like she's in denial about the whole thing and needs a wake-up call.

wideratthehips · 17/12/2008 11:58

she sounds like an arse and a meddler at the same time....sounds completely bizarre, fair enough if she didn't know (be apologetic and move on) but to suggest removing alcohol is like treating him like a child shows she has no insight

Original poster
Idrankthechristmasspirits · 17/12/2008 11:59

pmsl at georgiemum.

I don't know what the issue is really. She is aware of the extent of it, there have been a few incidents over the last two yrs.

She is very odd about weight, is very overweight herself (size 18 and very short) but made her sister buy a size 12 bridesmaid dress for her, tells me i have put on weight etc but has always "lost" weight herself. I find her very difficult to deal with, very irresponsible with money, hugely over dramatic and has lots of falling outs with her friends.

I will tell partner but i am cross with her for creating the situation now as he finds it almost impossible to talk about it freely.

OP posts:
georgiemum · 17/12/2008 12:02

Shoot - I was trying to be diplomatic!

Of course she's doing it on purpose. Sometimes the reasoning is unconscious (fear of losing a drink buddy, jealousy of seeing someone succeed where you have failed). But since I am not working - yes she is doing it consciously and making a joke out of the situation.

Lemontart · 17/12/2008 12:06

Some really weird family pyschological nonsense going on with the SIL. What on earth does she think she is doing??

Agree with others that it is worth speaking to your OH and talking through how he is going to cope with Christmas. Is he going to avoid alcohol altogether or try to set pre arranged limits? How does he feel about others drinking around him etc. Easier to have the conversation now than when confronted with a big bottle of alcohol. I would be a little careful how you phrase it so that the issue of alcohol and how he is going to cope with the inappropriate gift stays main focus. It would be all too easy for your concern to turn into a slanging match of "she said, he said" and tale telling accusations rather than stay on topic and deal with the alcohol issue.
Do you think, with a little warning, your OH could open that gift and say thanks and then just leave it to one side for others to enjoy? would beat her at her own twisted game then.. I do suspect she is out to cause trouble between you both and is telling you for a reason. I wonder if the best tactic might be to call her bluff, warn him quietly and agree to steal her thunder by shrugging it off and ignoring her childish behaviour?

wannaBe · 17/12/2008 12:10

could she be in denial?

My nan is apparently an alcoholic (I say apparently as I haven't seen her for three years so can't comment first-hand) and the majority of the family have stopped giving her any alcohol (she lives at home but doesn't leave the house and has lots of carers who come in to take care of her).

My grandad however has been bringing her alcohol on a regular basis. They're divorced now but on good terms iyswim and he visits regularly to do erunds for her etc and brings her bloody brandy! .

shootRudolphinthehip · 17/12/2008 12:13

georgiemum- I understand the unconscious reference- I was alluding to your typo- 'I can be unconscious' as-opposed to 'it can be unconscious'

Original poster
Idrankthechristmasspirits · 17/12/2008 12:16

I think you're right lemontart, best way would be to open it and set it aside but most of my partners problem is around being unable to leave alchohol alone. If it's in the house he will drink it.
I don't buy it and if he does i don't drink with him. This has really helped him cut down, so for her to want to bring alchohol into our home specifically for him is just odd.

I appreciate that over the christmas period he will have a drink, he is only just beginning his recovery so i'm not expecting him to be teetotal immediately without outside help, but to encourage him is nasty.
I think it is more to get at me than him.

We used to pay her bills for her and buy her son clothes etc but i stopped this about 18 months ago when i found that money i had given her for rent was spent on going out and buying clothes etc. At that point i told her she would need to get a job and support herself just the same as i had done as a single parent. Her ds was by this time in reception and breakfast club and afterschool club was available so working was not unfeasible.

Since then i think she has been rather pissed off with me. She still gets into lots of trouble moneywise but i won't give her money anymore.

Georgiemama i think she may just like the drama of it all as well as the opportunity to piss me off.

OP posts:
Nekabu · 17/12/2008 12:20

She sounds awful. Can you tell him that's what she's planning and as soon as it arrives, give it to someone else so it's a) out of the house and b) not wasted (sometimes people with a bit of a problem can find it difficult to just chuck it away).

Shame you can't get a new SIL for Christmas ...

georgimama · 17/12/2008 12:20

You are definitely not being unreasonable. She is mad, or threatened by his decision to change (perhaps if he changes she will have to confront that the rest of the family have drink problems too) or just a bitch. Whichever it is, it isn't your problem.

I would tell him and ask him what he wants to do (other than glug the lot obviously). He needs to be pre-warned about this though, so you can help him decide how to cope with the temptation.

georgiemum · 17/12/2008 12:23

Oh Shoot - a freudian slip ('there is no such thing as a mistake').

Off to self analyse myself (or sign up for a typing course!!)

Original poster
Idrankthechristmasspirits · 17/12/2008 12:24

Oohh! I didn't think of giving it to someone else! That's a great plan, i could tell partner what she has bought him, but say shall we pass it onto our neighbour..... We could drop it straight round there.

I have asked Santa for a new SIL by the way but i've been a bit naughty this yr so it may not happen.

OP posts:
motheroftwoboys · 17/12/2008 13:08

My DH is a recovering alcoholic (3 years dry now but even when he was at his worst I am not sure he would have drunk a bottle of Baileys. He drank anything he could lay his hands on apart from a couple of bottles of cassis! Your sil does sound absolutely demented! What your dh needs to do is take the bottle from her and tell her "I am an alcoholic, I don't drink" and give it straight back but it doesn't sound as if he is quite ready for that yet. Once he is in treatment he will be much more open about all of that and most alcies in recovery are quite proud of themselves - rightly!! There are also huge advantages - like you never have to argue about who is driving! Seriously though,as you will know, if he is waiting for treatment - detox? rehab? then he cannot stop drinking until that happens so he will probably be on maintenance levels - his doctor will have told him what they are - it is a bit like taking medicine. Only the ignorant think that alcoholics actually Want to drink. They drink because they have to but what you don't want to happen is that he drinks more than the maintenance level and gets drunk again - especially over Christmas. Good luck with it all and do contact me if you want to chat. Do you go to Al Anon - they can be helpful - or just go on their message boards or one of the many similar ones for people supporting alcoholics.

Original poster
Idrankthechristmasspirits · 17/12/2008 13:16

Hi motheroftwoboys, thanks so much for your response, how lovely to hear that your husband is doing so well.

Unfortunately partner is capable of drinking the bottle.....
His doctor hasn't given him any levels yet, he is seeing him for a proper appointment on Monday. The first step was a chat on the phone with the Gp. So far he has tried cutting down on his own and is doing really well. There have been some bad days but on the whole it's nothing like it was even 6 wks ago.
Lol at not having to decide who drives

I've had a look at Alanon, our local one was a bit militant though tbh. I might contact you in a few weeks if that's ok once he has started properly.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 17/12/2008 14:28

Well done to your husband for making the effort thus far!! That really is fab

What he needs just now is encouragement and not temptation thrown in his face. Can't believe SIL is being so insensitive. Maybe she needs to hear it from him, maybe if he can have the strength to pour it down the sink in front of her, that will get the message across and would equate to another big step for your husband in the battle he is fighting with alcohol.

She sounds like if you said white, she would say black just to spite you or rile you. I think she also sounds of you and it is a very low blow to get at you by disregarding your DH drinking problem (as if she knows better because he is her brother).

Hope you have a great Christmas