to be hacked off with DH for chatting online with women?

[TheOtherMaryPoppinsJingles]

Was going to name change, but pointless as no-one here actually knows me anyway!

I sat down next to DH this evening to talk with him, he was on the laptop and quickly flicked between tabs, I thought I saw an MSN type window with a conversation in it, and knowing he doesn't use it, alarm bells rang.

I asked him to show me what it was, he could hardly refuse really, it was a personal chat window with a "woman" ( allegedly! probably a hairy 35 stone man!) on Stockings HQ .

I said I wasn't happy he was doing that and said to shut it down and don't do it again. I thought after I did the washing up in a temper that maybe it was like those TV channels were they text in comments, do ykwim? I went back in and asked him to show me again, and he comfirmed it was a private conversation through a chatroom and that he had done it before although never spoken with the same person twice.

I haven't talked to him since except to say don;t fucking talk to me! I will be sleeping downstairs tonight on sofa, I can't bear to be in the bed with him.

Am I bu to think DH is a cheating twat? Is it technically cheating anyway?

Do you have any other reasons to suspect he might be cheating?

I wouldn't like it. Do you both use the same computer? Have you done a history search?

it's a stockings fetish site, did you know he went on it?

If you think it's cheating then it is cheating. I would not like it one little bit.

And I really think He should be the one sleeping on the sofa

Have a look through your bank statements, they are usually a very good way of catching a cheat.

Yup I knew he went on it, he has a thing about stockings don't have a problem with that at all. No problem with porn watching/wanking sessions etc either but this is a step too far for me.

I don't think he is cheating IRL, he hasn't the time.

We changed to Firefox today after the Internet Explorer scare so not sure how to do searches etc, plus I am not sure I want to get into it to that extent.

If someone else were posting then I would say it was cheating.

Oh and he beat me to it to the bedroom so I'm not going up now!

There is a strong likelihood that the person he was chatting to is either paid by the site owners to chat to men customers (depending on if the site is a subscription one or not) - or is in fact a bloke. WIth a stockings fetish.
It's also possible that your DH was not actually chatting with a 'woman' as a bloke-who-is-looing-for-women-to-shag, but as a'girlie-who-loves-stockings'.

I think you maybe need a talk with him that doesn't begin 'You cheating bastard how could you?' but queries what he was actually looking for. It may be that what he really wants is for you (or him, or both of you) to purchase a couple of suspender belts but is too embarrassed to bring the subject up.
Obviously no one should feel obliged to cater to a partner's sexual tastes if the fetish in question is revolting, or dangerous, or unethical, but stockings sounds fairly easy to manage - is it worth considering?

Sorry Katie, missed you there..

No I really don't think he is cheating in reality, he doesn't disappear for periods of time for instance. He is home when he finishes work on time.

So you're basically just wanting us to say YANBU. Ok you're not.

Sticksanta - we do - well have done, admittedly not for about a year.I've known about his likes from the start, he's no been dishonest in that respect. I admit I found his "fetish" a bit weird at first but it's a harmless one. I indulged it.

Suppose I just answered it myself there haven't I? That he isn't getting what he needs/wants from me atm and so did this.

Um, JJBD - that's what this board is for no?

Just need to know if I am over-reacting, being hormonal or indeed BU.

sorry that sounded sharp and didn't mean to be

THing is, have you not been slipping on the stockings because you're tired/busy/stressed, or because you're bored with it (ie sex is always about his fetish and never about whatever turns you on) or fed up with him for another reason?

This isn't in any way blaming you: you're not obliged to fulfill his fantasies all the time - but when one half of a couple is feeling a bit frustrated, if the issue isn;t addressed and discussed then it can lead to cracks that get steadily wider in the relationship.

I think it's your call, really.

Stockings porn/wanking doesn't bother you, live msn-style chats do.

I think I'd be drawing a v similar line myself, tbh, & saying 'OK, I don't mind the porn, but this makes me feel uncomfortable & I really don't want you doing it'.

He obviously has a fair idea you wouldn't like it by the hasty shutting down of windows...

It's just you're asking questions then saying the opposite. Probably because you're saddened and stressed.
Do you talk quite openly? Sounds like you do.
I know I couldn't stand it, I'd feel sick to the stomach thinking I wasn't enough.
I've experienced something similar but luckily could get out easy and wasn't married to him. No doubt my situation was much worse but still awful at the time.
I hope you can both talk and go forward.

Sticksanta, yes sex is always about him and his wants, this is going to sound very bad and you'll all go but he doesn't touch me between the legs, won't entertain oral. That said though it's only now bothering me, before I was quite content with quick shags and not much intimacy.

I can't think just now, we are quite open in fact, I know it probably doesn't sound that though!, so going to sleep on it - and hopefully when I can look at him again tomorrow we can havea talk and sort a few things out and set groundrules. I've no problem as I said with harmless fetishes being indulged, but there has to be boundaries I think.

Thanks for letting me sound off anyway, I would have festered all night on it otherwise, it's not the type of thing you want to talk to your Mum about to clear your head. I'm open but not that open

No he shouldnt be doing it, stocking on the other foot (soory pun) he wouldnt like it . make guidelines for what you want from the relationship regarding sexual boundaries, if he does it again then you have problems, but for now, no YANBU, kick him outta bed, and make him sleep on the sofa.

I think jumpingjingle says it perfectly.. you are fine with porn.. but not with the chatting to people.. i would tell him that thats line you have drawn..
My DP looks at porn.. doesnt bother me in the slightest.. but he did however once upon a time chat to a girl on tint in a flirty manner, and lets just say i didn't approve and he shall NEVER do it again.. hehe..

Ooops.. meant Ravenk.. silly me..

You definitely need to have a discussion with him, about the fact that you are fed up with a sex life that is all about his needs being met and yours being ignored which is why you haven't been interested in indulging his tastes lately.
How are things otherwise in the relationship? Basically, is he generally selfish and does he expect you to take care of him? If not, then it may just be that he needs it pointing out to him that as far as sex goes you want your tastes catered to as well, that sex should be mutually enjoyable (which can mean doing stuff for a partner that doesn't thrill you, but only when the partner reciprocates and turns are taken): people can get very hung up on their particular sexual triggers and forget that sharing has to be involved.

I think I would draw a similar line to you- porn ok, chatting to women NOT ok. How would he feel if you were chatting to men, would be the question I would ask.

Fine to have fetishes and an active fantasy life, but you should try to fit your own in there too!

Thank you all for your input - sofa was too uncomfortable so I ended up in bed anyway but not a word was said, I think he was pretending to be asleep, and I know I was as far over the other side as could be. He gave me a cup of tea this morning and meekly said I'm sorry, but I was honest with him and said I wasn't ready to talk to him yet, we will talk later.

Sticksanta - you should be a sex therapist he isn't actually selfish in other ways, he is a good husband and father, although I do the lions share of the chores but I like it that way.

It's going to be a long talk tonight methinks.

Hiya, you sound a lot perkier today

I read you saying he doesn't touch you or give you oral. My exdh was the same. I had to initiate all of our sex so can you imagine how shit I felt? I was with him 17 years though and am still good friends.

Anyway, hope you have the long talk and he makes some moves to help the situation. I really think sex counselling would help, relate have them. Also relate do a brilliant book ( I bought it once but ex wouldn't read it) I'll find it for you and link it.

was either this one or this one?

It was years ago that I bought it.