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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to hide cos MIL and FIL are coming this weekend

76 replies

needmorecoffee · 16/12/2008 13:38

and they always make nasty remarks about dd's disability or my clothes or something.
And, despite us being exhausted carers sit and wait to be served plus complain about how cold our house is (they go ski-ing with their Winter Fuel Allowance)
I'm tempted to take dd and go walk the streets.

OP posts:
Coldtits · 16/12/2008 17:41

Ask em who they vote for now Hitler's dead.

Original poster
needmorecoffee · 16/12/2008 17:52

I can see I need to invite the MN peanut gallery over on saturday
I think dh just avoids confrontation
But will hold on to the fact they are wealthy and DH is an only child

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 16/12/2008 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JustKeepSingingCarols · 16/12/2008 17:59

NMC - they are horrid & for you and DD.

Can you play 'nasty-word bingo' with them?
Make up a card with all the truly unbelievable things they say and when they say them - gives you an excuse to leave the room & breathe - go and cross it off!
Then when they've gone, show DH and MAKE him see how nasty they are to you (& DD).

You are being saintly even letting them in the front door!

Hang onto the inheritance thought

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 16/12/2008 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deste · 16/12/2008 19:13

I know how you feel. I too have the MIL from hell. She likes to announce, especially at family gatherings, funerals etc that we are just waiting for her to die so we can have her money. The last time she said it I announced that she had a damn cheek, we did not want her money as we had our own. But like your husband he keeps quiet because of his inheritance. I gave up yeas ago and dont bother with her now.

Dropdeadfred · 16/12/2008 19:44

I wouldn't put it past them to not leave their money to your dh anyway...they obviously have no love for him and his family

Original poster
needmorecoffee · 16/12/2008 19:45

yoou might be right there Fred.

OP posts:
NickiSue · 16/12/2008 19:51

Hun I can only sympathise - I had years of the same crap from my MiL including how she knew it would be my problem when we had fertility issues, telling the family I was "Barren", how it was my fault we miscarried (to our faces, after 3yrs of TTC - and we were both SO devastated we just walked away!). DH didn't "see" it to start with but does now. They had a huge row in July when his Mother took DS (2yrs) out without telling him (she drinks FFS and NEVER looks after him, or anything and was so covert about it -she just took him) and we didnt speak to them for 6months. A nightmare but not a jot on what you are being put through and although its easy to say "stand up for yourself/DH/DC" and the same for DH I know how hard it is and what an arse this weekend could be.
Huge hugs x

domesticslattern · 16/12/2008 20:00

Looks like you should get together with paddypoopants on this thread

here- see laundryfairy's post on P3

and play your own different versions of ghastly PIL bingo. Write a list of all the horrible things you know they are going to say, then tick them off as they all come out in turn. Award yourself a large glass of red when you get a full house.

cheshirekitty · 16/12/2008 20:28

NMC your mil sounds like a truly dreadful person. Next time she starts, remind her it is you and dh that will be looking for the grottiest, dirty nursing home to put her in.

My mil used to say/do some awful things to me and i did not retaliate. Now if she says something I will ask her to repeat it to my dh. She shuts up pretty quick.

Oh, and I can personally recommend the ex-lax in the coffee. Keeps the in laws occupied for hours if you follow my drift.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/12/2008 22:12

NMC,

I also doubt very much that these two will leave their money to their son who is also your husband.

Toxic people like this do not and will not play by the "rules" governing normal healthy functioning family behaviour. There are always unwritten conditions attached; its emotional blackmail.

Your H, spineless that he is, is a victim of them as well. Avoiding confrontation helps no-one actually; they continue to get away with their crass behaviours.

Desiderata · 16/12/2008 22:22

Bloody Nora, mate

These people are rude twats. You absolutely must divorce yourself from them. I know you have a weight-bearing back-bone. It is time to deploy it, girl.

You should not be spoken to like that in your own home, under any circumstances. And your beautiful child doesn't need to listen to their shit.

You tell your husband to go take a cold shower in shit. They don't deserve your respect.

So don't give it.

feelingbitfestive · 16/12/2008 22:33

NMC,
You can get on a train and nip over the bridge if you like . I would make you and DD welcome.
Or, better still - I'll come to you. The mood I'm in...........mwah-ha-ha-ha

Original poster
needmorecoffee · 17/12/2008 08:35

I can do Tuesdays Desi.
And feelingabitfestive - over you come . Mind you, they gave me crap when dd was having infantile spasms 'those don't look like seizures, maybe she is attention seeking?' that you'd probably deck her.
Yhanks laydees though. I've got a bit of perspective and soon they will be in some grotty residential home (MIL is a member of EXIT)
DH just hates confrontation and also thinks we should put up with it cos a, they are old and b, they paid for the boys to go to a posh school for a couple of years. and c, I am over-sensitive.

OP posts:
bellaBuonNatalevita · 17/12/2008 08:41

NMC - they sound like utterly vile people.

You must be a flippin saint to put up with them.

DH needs to say something, they are in your house, they should show some respect to you and your family.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 17/12/2008 08:55

Jeeez they sound HORRENDOUS! No advice to give as there seems to be some pretty good advice here already. Please start to confront the nsaty comments tho, even if it's only in the 'that's rude. Did you mean to be rude?' kind of way. Or 'why do you say that / think that', or 'that's very old-fashioned / out-dated thinking. I'm surprised you think that'.

I also think your husband should stick up for you and your family not his poisonous, vile, nasty parents....

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 09:01

I think there gets to be a point where you have to stop them. Making horrible comments about their grandchild is not acceptable.I think it is up to your DH to make a stand and tell them that DD is much loved and if they can't treat her with respect they are not welcome in your house.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2008 09:20

You would not put up with this from a friend would you?. So why should parents be treated any differently?.

Dropdeadfred · 17/12/2008 11:04

Hmmm..sounds fair payment..supplying fees for school for my 2 sons for a while (why no more??) means you can now say my daughter is better off dead..???!?!?! WTF!!!
Seriously..this weekend make it plain you are not going to take their shit even if he wants to turn a blind eye/deaf ear to it

Original poster
needmorecoffee · 17/12/2008 13:30

boys were home educated till 13 then chose to go to school. School became an academy this spetember so is now free.

OP posts:
fircone · 17/12/2008 13:40

can I be terribly nosy and ask why they don't help you more financially?

I can't imagine spending money on myself if my dc or his family could really do with a helping hand.

Original poster
needmorecoffee · 17/12/2008 14:41

They've never offered. Even during times when we couldn't afford to heat the house or had to get rid of the car (they did moan about the cold though).
They do keep claiming they are 'poor' though which I boggle at.
But I wouldn't ask for money. I am grateful for them paying for the boys. The boys wanted to go to scchool (partly cos of dd's screaming. She used to scream 18 hours a day) and the local schools are among the worse in the country. In-laws are obsessed with getting into Oxbridge so schools is something they would help with. But if they hadn't of been there then the boys would have remained Home edded and we'd of managed.
In my opinion they are weird, emotionally distant and very snobby about qualifications and fashion and 'status'. Maybe why a disabled child doesn't 'fit'. They ignored her totally when it was thought she was was intellectually impaired. And no, they wont pay for her education.

OP posts:
Original poster
needmorecoffee · 17/12/2008 14:43

I also don't think they 'get' how things are financially for families given they bought a house in 1970 for tuppence in West London and raised one child on 2 incomes.
Its a whole different world.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 17/12/2008 14:54

OMG- they sound horrendous! You must be a saint to have coped with them thus far!

can you be nice, but nasty at the same time?? eg "Funny- a lot of people YOUR AGE have strange views like that- must be a generational thing" If your MIL is so obsessed with her weight/ fitness etc, she must ahve an achilles heel- find it, and prod it mercilessly!! Maybe she is worried about her saggy skin- confide in her that you know someone who had "skin like yours" and she found this amazing doctor- she looked 10 yrs younger! I could get you his number.. all said in a very "caring" way. If she's moaning about the cold, act concerned about her thyroid/ osteoporosis, suggest she see someone about her "thin blood". Say "I keep forgetting you are OLDER now and need more heat"

Then go for a long walk to the top of a hill and SCREAM for a while. I truly wish you all the best- guess it will be a LOONG weekend!