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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to hide cos MIL and FIL are coming this weekend

76 replies

needmorecoffee · 16/12/2008 13:38

and they always make nasty remarks about dd's disability or my clothes or something.
And, despite us being exhausted carers sit and wait to be served plus complain about how cold our house is (they go ski-ing with their Winter Fuel Allowance)
I'm tempted to take dd and go walk the streets.

OP posts:
Iklboo · 16/12/2008 14:32

Think I'd have to resort to

"OH F*CK OFF YOU MISERABLE DRIED UP OLD BINT!!! IF YOU'RE THAT BOTHERED GO AND TAKE A LONG WAKL OFF A SHORT PIER YOU NASTY OLD WOMAN"

But that's me. You're probably far nicer.

You wouldn't put nasty things in her drink & swap her chocolate mousse for one made with ex-lax

(neither would I. Honest. What??? )

TheButterflyEffect · 16/12/2008 14:32

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MincePirateCat · 16/12/2008 14:33

needmorecoffee, wel if you aren't able to change them or ban them, then you need a plan of coping.

Have a 'mantra' you repeat in your head, that you can use to empower you, if some thing is said.

i dunno, something like 'you are not going to make me or dd feel rubbish, so piss off'

make a point of spending as little time as you can in the same room. Let your dh do the listening.

loobeylou · 16/12/2008 14:33

I nominate needmorecoffee's MIL for Gold Award for worst MIL (and GRANDMOTHER) ever. I am so for you and DD

NMC - just count the hours, they will soon be gone!

(Would they leave sooner if you put a strong laxative in their tea? )

HolyGuacamole · 16/12/2008 14:34

PS: After reading your last post there - they sound TERRIBLE!! I have similar inlaws and don't tolerate anything nowadays, they KNOW not to be smart-assed....

I wasn't trying to make light of your situation by laughing at the skiing thing

Seriously if my ILs said things like that, they would not be welcome in my house...disgraceful behaviour. What does your DH say about it?

pamelat · 16/12/2008 14:35

laxatives in tea or coffee sound great fun!

TheButterflyEffect · 16/12/2008 14:35

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noonki · 16/12/2008 14:47

If I were you I would tell them up front that I don't want to see them because of there vile comments about my daughter,

and if they should so choose to visit their son they can do away from the family home.

No WAY would they enter my house

Original poster
needmorecoffee · 16/12/2008 15:03

thanks for the advice, some of which made me laugh.
I'll think of mumsent while they are here! DH says to just ignore it and says I'm over-sensitive (he has as much emotion as a housebrick)
They are academic and social snobs and think 'caring' is for thick people (MIL's words)

OP posts:
TooFoggy · 16/12/2008 15:17

if they say anything nasty, in fact every time they say something nasty look horrified and amazed, really over the top shocked look, and say something like 'how horrible, what a nasty thing to say' then let the silence streeeetch. Do it every time until they go home! You dont have to take it. Good luck!

Original poster
needmorecoffee · 16/12/2008 15:23

friend reckons I should say 'so why would you say that?' everyttime they say something. DH has told me to be nice cos he said I was 'cold' last time

OP posts:
salsmum · 16/12/2008 15:30

needmorecoffee...OMFG Did you know my ex hubby?? I think ur pil are cloned from mine except for the fact that mine were really tight-arsed too especially the bit about your disabled daughter they were like that with my sal I think you should find the biggest sofa, turn the lights off...and hide bloody well! poor you.

MichaelaS · 16/12/2008 15:30

if they say anything about disabled people, point out that you thought such outdated opinions went out of fashion in 1945, and what are their views on gay people, jews and world domination?

or perhaps, explain how many times in history that overeducated people who get out of touch with reality are overthrown in revolutions and executed.

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 16/12/2008 15:36

I am in different circumstances to you nmc, but also have dreadful ils.

Mil is the most snobby and unpleasant lady one could hope (not) to meet. Her way is the only right way. Both her and fil seem to have "taking offence at everything" as their main aim in life.

Am very on your behalf at your mil's behaviour towards your dd.

You were cold last time . tbh it sounds as if they were lucky to be even let into the house.

I tend to just smile (falsely) when we are in their company and bite my tongue. I only once reacted when they screamed at my dd for spilling a few drops of water. They were outraged.

salsmum · 16/12/2008 15:40

caring for thick people
be nice to them!
winter fuel allowance don't even get me started on that one!
if I got a winter fuel allowance to keep sal warm maybe she could take off her coat indoors and I would'nt have to worry about putting £5-£10 a day on the friggin gas card...going ski-ing would be the very last thing on my mind you are DEF NBU

TheButterflyEffect · 16/12/2008 15:42

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pamelat · 16/12/2008 15:45

I would say something like "can you believe that some ignorant uneducated people dont value the work that we do" .... ?

knock her down a peg or two.

mummydoc · 16/12/2008 15:49

i hid in the laundry room and drank a bottle of red wine lsat night to avoid being in the same room as my in laws, am trying to keep a mantra in my head htat they have come to stay to help out wiht the dc while i am at work yestderday and today and will be gone by the time i get home ( if i drive slowly) why do they come to see oyu ???

nuttygirl · 16/12/2008 15:52

OMG they sound like mine - I too have had the "council estates" thing. In fact just today dh has emailed them telling them if they don't stop being nasty everytime he speaks to them then we don't want to see them anymore.

Have to admit if they ever said anything really nasty about my dd they'd be out of the house with the door slammed in their face. They were nasty about my parents when I was pregnant and I shoved a change of clothes in a bag and walked out on dh, got the bus to the train station. He made them apologise and I said I wasn't going home til they packed their bags and f*d off home (5 hours away)

Definitely point out that her views are 'old-fashioned', in fact tell her she's "showing her age" with those sorts of opinions.

mummydoc · 16/12/2008 15:53

also try to remember when they are dead you will inherit

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/12/2008 15:56

NMC,

As if you don't ahve enough to deal with already; these ILs of yours are amongst the worst examples I've ever read about.
Why are they coming over to your house exactly, what are their reasons and motives for doing so?.

Re your comment:-
"DH says to just ignore it and says I'm over-sensitive (he has as much emotion as a housebrick)"

Hmmm. Well that approach does not work either because you cannot ignore what they say. Besides which because you've had 20(!) years of their toxicity.

I'd whack your H over the head with a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward after telling him to read it. BTW she has also written a book called "Toxic Inlaws" - I suggest you read that too.

Your DH is at fault here too; his primary loyalty should be to you and his family unit.

It is hard to challenge your parents after a lifetime of being conditioned by them to accept their behaviour as "normal" but challenge them he must. He will be forever their doormat otherwise. I think he ignores their vile comments for want of a quiet life because he is still not strong enough to confront his parents.

piscesmoon · 16/12/2008 16:09

I think your DH should have been tougher on them from the start. Their comments are outrageous.
I think you have got to the point where you have had enough. I would be inclined to print a list of their views, tell them they are free to think what they want, but they are only welcome in your house if they don't mention any on the list again.
I think you need to treat them like DCs and give them boundries. Sorry, I know it is easier said than done; but perhaps they need a shock.

babylovessanta · 16/12/2008 16:20

YANBU. Poor you.

Dropdeadfred · 16/12/2008 16:26

perhaps you could tell your husband you were cold becuase it's fcking freezing in your house!!...fgs I find it incredible that he would even want to share breathing sace with people who speak of his little girl like that!!!

BouncingTinsel · 16/12/2008 17:01

NMC - Why is your DH not taking them to take for that horrible remark about your dd - she's his daughter as well! What a horrid, mean person your MIL is
I think you are an absolute saint for even allowing them in the door!
Suggest they bring their skiiing gear of they are cold, though