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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'A difficult one' revised.

59 replies

NoGoodAtCleaning · 15/12/2008 08:52

What do you think of this compromise?

Do our xmas presents from Santa. Let my mum give them from Santa (all the other kids in our family will wonder why she's bought presents for just DS if we change it) but she can give him one from her (if she'll agree). DP's family can give them from themselves but we'd rather they don't go overboard.

Xmas morning my family are coming over first to see DS, then DP's family can come over (they have to compromise a little, too). Bacon rolls all round.

Then we'll hit MIL's before the pub to see their presents (or we'll pop to the pub for an hour early on before everyone gets drunk) to see all DP's family.

Then we'll got to my mum's for the afternoon (with all my family).

Finally we'll pop in on MIL and DP's auntie before we set off back home.

We get to spend xmas night in our house, watching the plasma telly and Sky Plus that we got each other for xmas.

So happy all round...

What do you think? Can I suggest this to both families without getting my head bitten off?

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 15/12/2008 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ByThePowerOfBaileys · 15/12/2008 10:42

it wasn't until we had DS1 that DH and I finally started to realise what was right for our FAMILY (ie DH Me and DS1) was important.

It is important that your DS1 is settled and not ferried around. and the you and your DP are enjoying your first christmas as parents.

I would tell everyone that you are at home. if they would like to come they are welcome. Bacon butties sounds like a great plan.

If you do all the running around this Christmas - I would spend the next 11 months making it clear to everyone that it is because it was his first Christmas and you will not be doing it every year.
Good luck - hope you manage to have a magical first christmas together!

HolyGuacamole · 15/12/2008 11:40

Sounds like a great compromise, if you and DH are happy with it then fine and I hope you have a fab Christmas

SnowballsintheSky · 15/12/2008 11:45

I think you either have home in the morning, pub for an hour (although I have to say, taking my 11mo to a pub on Christmas Day wouldn't be my choice, but then no one in either of our families would ask). Then onto your parents.

OR, stay at home in the morning and tell PIL that's where you are if they want you, then go to your parents.

Personally, I find it all a bit of a bugger. Up till now Christmas has been easy but now we're having to do lunch at my parents and evening at PIL. I want to lie on the sofa watching tv and eating Celebrations in the evening, not packing up and moving on.

piscesmoon · 15/12/2008 11:55

If you are happy with it, that is all that matters-I would be inclined to run it over 2 days as it is all meaningless to your DS.

pooka · 15/12/2008 12:00

If you're happy with it, then all well and good.

Personally I wouldn't try and see everyone on Christmas Day. You don't want to set a precedent. But obviously up to you.

We wont be seeing PILs on Christmas Day, unless MIL pops in earlyish, which she might I suppose. And then will go to my mother's house for lunchtime, with proper food at 5pm ish.

I do think the present thing is much better though.

psychohohohoho · 15/12/2008 12:07

ok, I have replied on your other thread, and now seen this one.

you are now trying too hard to make a compromise, IMHO.

tell the families (both sides), that they are more than welcome to come visit.......in the morning after a certain time. If the families clash, then yes, keep the timings staggered, but otherwise, why make more work for yourself? Not least as your DS will get bored very quickly and so by the time he gets to yet another person dropping in to see him open pressies, he really wont want to know. at 8mths he really won;t have any idea what is going on beyond the pretty lights (I know.......I have done five first xmas's now).

go to your mums for dinner......and then come home to relax and let your DS rest.

if the inlaws get grumpy, then tell them all that from next year, you will do one family on xmas day, one on boxing day, and then do the opposite each year....giving them all a turn for xmas day IYGWIM.

I am sure tho that once your DS is older, he won;t want to go to other houses as he will want to stay and play in his 'grotto'......especially if you have more children....it gets harder to transport them.

most of all.....relax and don;t put too much expectation into the day, it will only disappoint you. It is really only just another day, allbeit one with pressies and good food

Jackaroo · 15/12/2008 12:15

Please stop trying so hard; you are the one with the 8 month old baby - they should be doing whatever to make your life easier!!! Just do what you feel comfortable with, and they will learn to live with it.

The only way your MIL can be attention seeking is if you feed it.

SleighGirl · 15/12/2008 13:14

I don't understand why your family needs to come and visit in the morning if you are going to theirs at 2pm. I think that could cause resentment from your MIL that your family can spend most of the day with your ds whereas they get a 2 hour slot only????

I would leave your family's gifts to your ds at your Mum's house and then you get a 2nd Christmas morning there IYSWIM.

As your ds gets older you will realise the benefit of them getting their presents in stages, as a child I loved going to the relies on boxing day and getting a 2nd round of gifts.

cuppachar · 15/12/2008 13:17

Try to make Christmas Day relaxing for yourself and your family and stop worrying so much!

As for the presents issue, in our house, none of the presents said they were from Father Christmas - they all had the names of the real givers on them (even the ones from our parents) - but we still believed that Father Christmas brought them all in the night, and we still had the magic. We also had a gas fire and no chimney for Father Christmas to come down, but that didn't bother us either!

Kids don't need everything to be logical in the way that adults do, so don't "tell" anyone how to address their presents, including your mum - leave it up to them, or you'll just end up sounding ungrateful and controlling when really you're just trying to make Christmas special for your DS.

Really really just try to chill out a bit, stop organising every second of Christmas Day and just try to enjoy it instead!

sunnygirl1412 · 15/12/2008 13:25

I've added my suggestion on your other thread, NoGoodAtCleaning. I do really believe that stocking presents come from FC, and the other presents come from relatives and friends - as others have said, when he is older, is ds going to thank his aunties and uncles etc for his presents when he believes they came from FC? And couldn't this cause offense?

Salleroo · 15/12/2008 13:31

I would let them all come to you in the morning at whatever time suits them from 9.30 to 11.30, then go to your family and after that come st home and have a nice relaxing evening. Cant you pop round to MIL's boxing day? With a small child, they should be the ones making an effort to do the travelling.

The pub and its occupants sounds like a complete shi*hole and I wouldnt worry about popping in ever.

I reckon MIL doesnt like you (no present), or your family. Too snooty. Dont waste your bloody time on her. She is your DHs mother, he should be buying her present.

Re the Santa labels - that's just lunacy on your part.

StephanieByng · 15/12/2008 14:10

I think all the to-ing and fro-ing and seeing your family both in the morning and afternoon sounds a bit over-wrought!

It would seem totally logical to see your in-laws in the morning, if you're seeing your family in the afternoon.

Agree that you can't tell other people that their presents should come from santa. That's what your presents are, the parents provide the santa presents; other presents are from the givers, IMO. But I think you've already accepted that?

StephanieByng · 15/12/2008 14:11

oh and agree his family popping in for a couple of hours and bacon butties is a very good idea. No need to go chasing round the pub/MIL/aunties etc. Far too hectic!

ruddynorah · 15/12/2008 14:23

that all sounds far too exhausting.

you send taxi for MIL to come and spend morning with you, which is important to her.

then you go to your mum's for lunch.

job done.

MarlaCarolSinger · 15/12/2008 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xfabba · 15/12/2008 19:51

seriously, lose the pub, it's ridiculous and entirely for their benefit, not yours or, more importantly, your ds's.

I know how hard it is with families at Xmas - have had similar issues getting them to accept that now that we have dc we stay at ours ALL day and anyone that wants to see them is welcome to come to us - but that is what works, and now it is established it works fine.

I really would question someone that wants you to take your 8m old baby to a pub on Xmas Day though, sorry to harp on but this really does seem crappy to me.

wheresthehamster · 15/12/2008 19:53

What sleighgirl said.

I'm exhausted thinking about your arrangements - just chill, don't try and please everyone. I know your first Christmas is exciting but don't set a precedent for running around!

MmeHereWeGoAWassailLindt · 15/12/2008 20:05

Do you know what? Your families are going to have to accept that you, your DH and your baby are a family now. You do what you want to do on Xmas day.

If they want to see you then they are welcome to pop over in the morning for bacon butties. No pub, no running all over town. Believe me, in a couple of years you won't be able to budge your DS from his new toys. Start as you mean to go on.

Could you suggest going to your mil on boxing day?

saggyhairyarse · 15/12/2008 20:59

Where are you going for Xmas lunch?

Personally, I would skip all the running around in the morning.

Go where ever you are going to eat, then visit the other family on the way/way home depending on their other plans.

Divineintervention · 15/12/2008 21:03

Honestly, it's up to you. Consider that you may want a glass of something yummy at lunch and so won't be able to drive.
We never leave the house on Christmas day, except last year but that was to fly to Thailand!!
I think you may have understimated how much time a Christmas visit takes.
Why don't you have open invitation at yours in the morning and see your Mother Christmas afternoon and DP's family boxing day and next year swap around..... His family in the morning before they're all pissed( sounds like a lovely family ) and your house christams afternoon and your Mother boxing day????
I really wouldn't be going to a pub Christmas morning.

Divineintervention · 15/12/2008 21:07

Just a thought.... you make decisions about your DC and christmas.
This year we are spening Christmas mornign and lunch alone, in the afternoon my family visit and Boxing day PILs visit.
All presents are from Father Christmas except one from each relative, if PILs or my parents buy a lot then they come from FC. We buy the DCs nothing, FC does all of that too.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/12/2008 21:14

Poor you- you were getting flak on the other thread for not compromising, now you're getting flak for compromising too much!!

What does your DP say? Are you both happy with this compromise or is it going to be a bone of contention? I really don't know what to say- I wouldn't like to have all the running about, but we did it when I was a kid (my mum had to go to her MILs for Christmas dinner every year, after we'd visited her own mum and sisters, and she HATED it!) I think she felt it was worth it just to keep the peace! Finally, years later, we managed Christmas in our own house- no gran wailing that the dinner was ruined, no cousins fighting, no traipsing about in and out of cars. And do you know what? It didn't feel like Christmas! It was too quiet, and we had nothing to talk about later on- no "OMG, did you see X's face when such-and-such said..." No taking the mickey out of gran's special "Walls' Vedetta" dessert, nothing to roll our eyes at, and we really missed the sense of relief that accompanied getting home to our own house!

Sometimes fitting in with other people's Christmas can be a pain, but it can give you something to laugh about afterwards!

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you manage to have a good day

bently · 15/12/2008 21:31

I think your trying to hard to please everyone. Speaking from experience with two if you do it once then it will happen every year. Make a decision to split it up and see family on different days that way you will enjoy xmas yourself and not have to keep doing this for the many many years to come. Oh and most kids don't understand xmas or santa until there at least 2/3 and if mine anything to go by she adfraid of him.Fsmile

thumbElf · 15/12/2008 22:33

too much running around for sure. Do Xmas morning at yours, all welcome who can bother their arses to come over to yours; lunch at your parents and pop in on your MIL on the way home if she didn't make it in the morning/ anyway depending on how you feel and how tired and cranky your DS is.

Sod the pub and if the rest of them can't make the effort, forget about them. Really.

This is YOUR first FAMILY Christmas with DS - make the most of it. (and by family, here I mean you, your DP and your DS).

Good luck!