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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to think Dh drinks far too much?

47 replies

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 21:48

I am forever nagging Dh to stop/ cut down on drinking...he drinks most evenings at home, often a bottle of wine or a bottle plus a few cans of beer. He is often drunk. (Though only in an annoying, slurry, slobby way...I usually go to bed and ignore it). I hate it, but then I rarely drink at all. He has had enough of me nagging worrying, but I have had enough of him being a drunken wreck on the sofa of an evening, and hungover the next day. What do other Dh's drink? Is he being unreasonable to drink so much, or am I way way out of touch on the drinking scale?! We've been together for 10 years and he has always been the same (though perhaps better than he once was).....I'm amazed he still has a liver left! incidentally it was his idea to post this because he thinks I will be told his behaviour is totally normal and acceptable

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TheFalconInThePearTree · 12/12/2008 21:49

No YANBU at all. I suspect he's drinking more than his recommended number of units per week and if he has to drink every evening he most certainly has a problem.

thisisyesterday · 12/12/2008 21:52

haha, no, it is not normal and not acceptable.

you 2 should be enjoying your rtelationship and in fact, HAVING a relationship.
what you have atm is an alcoholic husband who drinks himself into a stupor each night while you go to bed without him

nice. he needs to do something about it.

knockedgymnast · 12/12/2008 21:52

He is being totally unreasonable and totally selfish. It might be the 'norm' to drink vast quantities of an evening but it certainly aint normal.

It's not even about his behaviour when he's drunk it's about him being selfish. Why is he so scared of reality?

Original poster

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 21:53

Mmm this is what I try to tell him on a regular basis. It gets me no-where. He doesn't perceive it as a problem and recons many of his friends are the same (probably true!)

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Original poster

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 21:54

Anyone ever managed to get their other halves to cut down radically?

OP posts:

Daisy15 · 12/12/2008 21:55

He obviously has drinking issues and by making you post this comment just shows how he can't see how serious his drinking problem really is. Don't think that you're being unreasonable because it's exacttly what he wants you to feel like. Good luck .

thisisyesterday · 12/12/2008 21:56

ooooh well that's ok then. if his friends do it it must be alright

is he a teenager?? lol

tell him he'll probably die before his children,. maybe then he'll cut down?

hf128219 · 12/12/2008 21:57

Just tell him that a bottle of wine a night equals approx 70 units a week. If he has a few cans a night too he's over 100 units a week.

The official unit guidelines for a bloke are 21-28 a week. Anything over 50 a week is dangerous. Above that is crazy. Good luck.

Daisy15 · 12/12/2008 21:58

well said thisisyesterday, he needs to grow up for his children's sake.

Original poster

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 21:59

Ah, thisisyesterday, I've tried that, I've tried telling him everything I can think of over the years. He just thinks, because I hardly drink, that I am out of touch I think. I mean, I know other people whose partners do drink a fair bit. But I haven't got a way of telling how much. And they tend to go out and get absolutley hammered once in a while...this is more of an everyday slightly drunk occurance.....

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hf128219 · 12/12/2008 22:00

Contact Al-Anon for some advice and support.

thisisyesterday · 12/12/2008 22:03

you aren't out of touch, he is.

anyone who NEEDS to drink alcohol that frequently and to that extent is an alcoholic. he will deny this, of course, because that's whaty alcoholics do. he doesn't realise it's a problem.

but it is a problem if it is affecting your relationship, which it sounds like it is.

Original poster

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 22:04

But what can they do if he doesn't think there's a problem? To be fair, he still manages to get up with the kids in the morning, live a very active life, work hard, be a great Dad etc.....he uses it to 'relax' of an evening he says. That's how he sees it.

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pooka · 12/12/2008 22:05

A bottle of wine a night is ridiculous over-consumption of alcohol.

2 glasses (and not the big 250ml glasses) would be more moderate, but that is leaving aside the fact that the need to have alcohol every night is an indication of a deeper addiction.

I can swear, hand on heart, that I know of NO ONE in my circle of friends and friends of friends that drink this much on a regular basis. And these are friends that do drink regularly, but on a more moderate basis i.e. a glass or two here or there.

My father loves wine. But to limit the intake, he has 3 nights a week when he drinks nothing, and on the other nights he will have max. 3 glasses.

thisisyesterday · 12/12/2008 22:07

I don';t think anyone can do anything if he doesn't realise there is a problem.
quite frankly, if I lived with someone who felt the need to drink at least a bottle of wine each day, who then turned into a drunken wreck every night, who was hungover every morning and who I had to go to bed each night worrying about I would be pretty upset.

and I would be even more upset that that person wasn't willing to change to make me happier.

i mean, if he isn't addicted to it he should be able to stop for a week? right? maybe he would consider doing that?

Original poster

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 22:11

Also, I'm not sure exactly how many units he does drink a week....might be worth me checking. Some nights he only has a couple of glasses, other nights it's a bottle of wine or a few beers...sometimes both. But does the amount matter more, or is it the frequency? In our non-parent days he was right that a lot of our friends did drink as much/ more. But not sure if they do anymore...not that that makes it alright of course, but he uses it as the yardstick. He is not going to admit to having a problem, especially not a label like alcoholic....as it doesn't really affect too much in our lives (apart from me going to bed slightly earlier than I would!). But it does upset me, because I worry about him, and I don't want it to escalate. I'm sick of having the same conversation with him about it to be honest.

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sticksantaupyourchimney · 12/12/2008 22:12

Drinking is a problem when it's causing a problem. Is he genuinely able to get up with the kids in the morning and work hard (and not get into trouble at work for carelessness or skiving off to the pub?)
YOu say in your OP that he's a slobbering wreck by the end of the night and hungover (presumably short-tempered and queasy) in the mornings.

It sounds like he has a problem. Unfortunately, as with any addictions, you can't make him stop or make him seek help; he will only address the problem when he wants to. So for the moment you have to decide whether or not you can live with it. Yes you could threaten to move out or throw him out if he doesn't get help and stop drinking, but you'll have to do it (threatening it and not following through will have no effect on him apart from making him tune you out as an irrelevance) - and even then, he may not stop.

There is a support thread on here for partners of addicts/alcoholics, where you may find some good advice. Sending you sympathy: this is a rotten situation to be in.

Original poster

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 22:13

Sorry, took so long to write that crossed psots! Ah, yes, he has given up on occasion for several weeks - to prove to me that he can, but then he jsut goes back to it. He does try to have a day or two off each week. But then he seems to over compensate the next night. Your Dad's idea is a good one Pooka...will see if I can get him to do something like that.rrrrrh

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thisisyesterday · 12/12/2008 22:15

i would say it's the frequency more than the amount.

there is a good pdf on the AA website about "do you have an alcoholic in your life?" which might be worth a read?

www.aa.org

Original poster

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 22:18

Mmmmm think I may just go and get him in a mo to read this thread, it's nearly my bedtime! (Have a poorly baby who will be up all night (sigh). I hope I'm not a part of the problem. I do threaten things, but never follow through with them, and I also hate to think he has a really serious problem. Yes he does function well in the daytime...sometimes irritable, but he usually gets up with the kids so I can have lie in, and works very hard etc
Thanks everyone, will check out that other thread. I'm sure we'll probably just carry on like this until he either sees sense or drops down dead. Men.

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sticksantaupyourchimney · 12/12/2008 22:18

Ah, X-post. A bottle of wine plus beers every night would indicate a problem - a glass of wine one night, a couple of beers another night, nothing the third night and then a gutful at the weekend would be more a case of a heavy drinker but not necessarily a problem one.
It's perhaps not unfair to say that people who drink alcohol once a year can sometimes come across to people who drink it once a week as unnecessarily self-righteous (and the Government Guidelines are not worth bothering with. They were made up and have no scientific validity whatsoever. Or they would have been calculated on bodyweight.)
Again: if his drinking is causing problems, then it is a problem.

Sidge · 12/12/2008 22:18

That's a lot of booze.

He will probably get cirrhosis of the liver, suffer brain damage, impotence, gastritis, pancreatitis, and be more likely to get certain types of cancer.

He may lose his driving licence, job and family. Ask him if drinking that much is worth it?

Original poster

littlegirlblue · 12/12/2008 22:19

Thanks thisisyesterday..will go and look that one up x

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thisisyesterday · 12/12/2008 22:24

i think i'd be more worried about the fact that he doesn't seem to care about the effect this is having on you.

you shouldn't have to be worried about it all the time. and if he isn't willing to cut down for you... i dunno, that would upset me if it were my dp doing it.

i'd like to think that if I were really upset about something he'd try and change, at least cut down

and think of the money you'd save!

themoon66 · 12/12/2008 22:24

Well... to be honest I could easily put away a bottle of wine a night, no probs. But I don't because I have to get up in the mornings to drive to work.

Tonight I have drunk a whole bottle of white and one small vodka and orange. But I don't have to drive for another two days. Or work.

Can you get your DH to try and stick to drinking only at weekends?

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