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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my daughter shouldn't be used for a social engineering experiment?

32 replies

squilly · 12/12/2008 16:55

One of the mums in the playground (who I don't speak to much) asked my dd(7) to her dd's party at the beginning of term. I thought it was odd because dd didn't really play with her child much, particularly as there was a sleepover element, but I got nagged into agreeing and dd went along.

Not much happened til a couple of weeks ago when the mum asked dd to go around and play. Although our kids don't play together much at school, they get on o.k. so again, I said yes. I was later told by a friend that dd was being asked to play/had been invited to the party because this womans daughter has 'gotten in with a bad crowd'. My daughter is thought to be one of the good kids (not bragging...it's just how she's perceived), she's bright, polite and generally well behaved. But you have to say....WTF????

Firstly...how can you have a 'bad crowd' of 7 year olds? We're in a fairly middle class areas and though we have some exuberant kids, they all have redeeming features imo.

Secondly...this woman has made it plain that she wants my dd to play with hers so that her own daugther will start to behave better! Surely people don't really think this way?

Thirdly...why do people feel the need to choose their child's friends for them? I know that friendships are a big part of determining how our kids develop, but surely, letting them choose their own friends is part of the growing up process? Part of the life skills you need to equip them with? Part of being independant?

Are we all really so wrapped up with our kids development though, that we feel the need to pick our kids friends? Am I being unreasonable in being shocked about this? Or should I get with the program and start being my dd's friends for her???

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 12/12/2008 16:59

erm ,I think you are being unreasonable actually.

pamelat · 12/12/2008 17:00

I actually feel for the other mum. I would be flattered that she likes and respects your DD.

tessofthedurbervilles · 12/12/2008 17:01

It is a compliment to you though...your daugther is so well brought up another parent who is struggling has turned to your example for help.

slowwalker · 12/12/2008 17:02

It seems to me that this other woman thinks your DD is a model child and likely to be a positive influence. I'd been flattered.

Lockets · 12/12/2008 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigleto · 12/12/2008 17:04

You should be pleased that your dd is seen in such a good light. If she is having fun what is the problem? If the other girl is a horror then you have a reason to put a stop to it.

Original poster
squilly · 12/12/2008 17:06

sorry to do the slow reveal here, but when dd went to play, she didn't eat the food on the table and the mum has since not spoken to me. I just find it odd...

I think she thought my dd was perfect, but surely we all know, no child is perfect? They all have their flaws.

OP posts:
slackrunner · 12/12/2008 17:07

YABU - I think you're worrying too much

Reallytired · 12/12/2008 17:07

I think you need to get real and realise that parents up and down the country socially engineer their children's friendships one way or another. It might not be nice, but its reality.

"Although our kids don't play together much at school, they get on o.k. so again, I said yes. I was later told by a friend that dd was being asked to play/had been invited to the party because this womans daughter has 'gotten in with a bad crowd'. My daughter is thought to be one of the good kids (not bragging...it's just how she's perceived), she's bright, polite and generally well behaved. But you have to say....WTF????"

Why don't you invite the girl back and get to know the mother rather than going on gossip.

Clearly your daughter doesn't mind socialising with this girl otherwise she would not have wanted to go to the party.

southernbelle77 · 12/12/2008 17:10

agree with others. Think it should be seen as a compliment. YABU - we all want our children to have 'nice' friends, even at 7 years of age.

belgo · 12/12/2008 17:10

YABU. I think you have a very odd way of looking at this. It's quite normal for parents to try and influence their children's friendships, it very rarely gets called 'social engineering'.

Most of us would be flattered and take it as a compliment.

iheartdusty · 12/12/2008 17:10

it is advice regularly given on MN - if your dc is having a hard time with a set of friends, fix up some playdates with other potential friends to see if things gel between them.
That could be what has been going on.

Hardly social engineering.

and tbh you do sound quite defensive and suspicious so perhaps the other mum doesn't find you easy to talk to?

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 12/12/2008 17:10

YABU - it's a compliment. Either your dd wants to go and play with her when she's asked or she doesn't. Whats the problem, presumably she's happy to play with the other girl?

TheInvisibleManDidItWithSanta · 12/12/2008 17:22

I think YABU. Have recently been in a similar situation with ds1. His 'friends' in out street have been really nasty to him recently, picking on him as he is smaller than them, and even getting physical.

So I've started inviting boys from school over. These are boys that he seems to get on with but has never associated with outside of school, and he's now found a new group of friends and is alot happier.

His confidence had taken a knock after being picked on, and he wouldn't have asked these boys over on his own. So sometimes parents need to step in and help their child make new friends, and get rid of old ones that aren't good for them.

As already suggested, try inviting thsi girl to your house too. Encourage the friendship, and take it as a compliment the other mother wanted her daughter to be friends with yours.

Original poster
squilly · 12/12/2008 17:25

I take it on board. I'm being unreasonable. Perhaps I am taking it too seriously. And I understand the need to manipulate to some degree, but my worry is that this woman wants perfection.

I guess the lack of conversation after the playdate compared to the various discussions before the playdate seemed to highlight that before this woman discovered dd's flaws dd was an acceptable playmate. Since they've been discovered she's not. That's taking the subtle art of helping our kids along a bit too far isn't it??

OP posts:
juicyjolly · 12/12/2008 17:34

I personally think you are talking a load of crap.
I wonder if you would feel the same if it was the other way around, because sadly, yes there are kids as young as seven who can be a bad influence on other seven year old.

I live on a council estate in the North West, and like most places, the majority of the kids (of all ages) are great kids.
Although, sadly, there are kids as young as seven (and younger in some cases) who more or less fend for themselves (mum/dad out, in the pub, or just lazing at home allowing their kids to run wild). These kids get up to all sorts.....shoplifting, harrassing people that are passing them by (this is day or night)etc.

So, Yes YABVU, and you should thank your lucky stars you have such a perfect existance.

TheInvisibleManDidItWithSanta · 12/12/2008 17:39

Maybe the mum is waiting for you to approach her? Hadn't seen your post about not eating when she was there..Could she maybe be thinking your dd didn't enjoy herself?

Invite this other girl over and take it from there. You don't really know what the other mother is thinking if you don't speak to her.

Just now you're assuming she thinks your daughters flawed ...just speak to her.

noonki · 12/12/2008 17:44

Maybe she sensed that you are feeling abit strange about the situation.

She has made all the moves by the sound of it and you are backing off, she may be shy and think you don't like her.

Podrick · 12/12/2008 17:54

I think you should let your dd choose her own friends. So if she is invited to go and wants to go, it's fine. If she doesn't want to go then just refuse.

Jacanne · 12/12/2008 18:00

My 6 year old dd is one of a group of 3 and is the slight outsider in the group - it has already caused lots of heartache - I suppose I have been guilty of "social engineering" because I have tried very hard to involve a 4th child in their little group. I think a lot of us are guilty of this. If my dd was friends with someone I didn't like then I probably would try and encourage a new groups of friends - so yes I think you're being a tiny bit unreasonable.

juicyjolly · 12/12/2008 18:06

I think noonki has a good point, I think she may have sensed that you felt a bit strange about the whole making friends business.

I dont understand what you mean when you say that you think this mum has now spotted flaws in your dd, which is why she hasn't bothered with you, or your dd since!

What bloody flaws are you talking about? Surely nobody said anything to you about your dd's 'flaws'? I dont think they did, did they?
That brings me to the conclusion that it is you that thinks your dd is flawed!

A bit confusing if you ask me!

tiredsville · 12/12/2008 18:08

She sounds like a good mum and you should be flattered

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 12/12/2008 18:08

juicyjolly I agree, I have heard parents say many things about their dc but I don't think I've ever heard any parent, or anyone else, refer to a child as flawed.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 12/12/2008 18:11

I do this to a degree.
My dd is a bit shy, and only plays with one girl.
I have been inviting other kids around so that she widens her circle of friends. Its not a terrible thing!

juicyjolly · 12/12/2008 18:25

purpleduck......what is not a terrible thing?
The fact that parents help their kids to make friends for them.
Or to say (and assume others think this too) that your dd is flawed.....and has been found out!