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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to not speak to my coke addicted SIL?

36 replies

mulranno · 12/12/2008 13:20

I dont want to alienate my brother, but his wife is unbearable. She has caused so much offense but he sticks by her. Recently we nursed my mother thru rapid aggressive ovarian cancer. She didnt visit but sent a nasty note to her death bed. At the burial she had a fit as I didnt comfort her as I was cradling my sobbing 19 year old brother. we now have to share the first Christmas together. I want to explain to my brother and her that I have no capacity for friendship for her during this time. I do not want a row but want her to respect my personal space. I will endure Christmas lunch in her presence but I do not want her to kiss me (I find it distressing) or speak to me. Is this an unreasonable request. I am worried that if i say something my brother will not come. My other sisters would not forgive me if this happened. Maybe i should not go?

OP posts:

h0ney · 12/12/2008 13:24

I would'nt say anything I don't think, everyone is probably feeling a bit overwrought at this time. If I were you I would be civil but avoid her at all costs. Just don't be in the same room as her bar the meal. Could you say something to her directly or explain why you don't want to be friend s with her?

unavailable · 12/12/2008 13:56

I'm sure that you have every justification for feeling angry with your sil, but I think what you are proposing would just cause more hurt all around. It isnt really feasible to spend Xmas with her but not speak at all - could you not just avaoid as as much as possible, but be coolly cordial if you are spoken to.

Original poster

mulranno · 13/12/2008 17:55

Why is everyones advice to let it lie?...Is it moral that an indivual can continue to bull dose their way other peoples lives and everyone should just put up with it. I am in so much pain - why is it acceptable that someone can continue to treat me badly?

OP posts:

Original poster

mulranno · 13/12/2008 18:00

Iam also struggling with the compromises that I have to make. I want to get some of the time back with my 4 little children who have lost out over the last 4 months as I nursed my terminally ill mother to her death. I am so consumed with grief I havent the capacity to forgive at the moment and dont want to spend my Christmas day skulking around avoiding someone. However I dont want to let down my sisters at this time who want us all to be together

OP posts:

Uriel · 13/12/2008 18:02

Can you just attend for the meal?

Or plead illness and don't go.

TheButterflyEffect · 13/12/2008 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 13/12/2008 18:05

It is not acceptable, of course it's not. But what will happen if you do as you say above?

What will happen if you say what you want to say? Will that be ok with you? I don't think that you can expect that she will go "oh, ok that's fine" so you can expect big trouble. If you are happy to deal with that - and to have the rest of your family to be subjected to that, then do it.

You must do as you see fit. You simply have to choose. - keep your mouth shut and feel terrible or speak out and have world war 3.

It would be nice if all our choices in life were

option 1 - really shitty thing that will ruin my life
or
option 2 - really fab thing with no drawbacks that will transform my life in wonderful ways

Sadly, most of our choices are shitty choice 1 v shitty choice 2

Do what you will, but do it understanding what the ramifications of your choice will be, not just for you but for everyone around you.

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 13/12/2008 18:07

little bit of HORRIBLE grammar there. sorry about that. - that's what happens when you type it in one way and go back and reword it, then post without checking properly!

Uriel · 13/12/2008 19:04

Sorry, missed the ? off. Should have read - Or plead illness and don't go?

Whatever you do, op, exercise caution. I think it would be better to go and enjoy it as best you can than risk upsetting your family more at the moment.

Sorry for your loss.

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 19:16

I would stay away-it isn't possible to have Christmas with someone you can't speak to. Just explain that this Christmas you would rather have a really quiet time with your DCs (I am assuming you have DCs).

FiveGoMadInDorset · 13/12/2008 19:17

I wouldn't go as it will be miserable for all of you, have a quiet tiem at home with your DH and DC's.

needmorecoffee · 13/12/2008 19:18

she's a drug addict?

SleighGirl · 13/12/2008 19:20

You sound as though you need time to come to terms with how you are feeling about your Mum before you even deal with the SIL situation tbh.

I would just be honest with your sisters and explain that this Christmas you are not ready to cope with a big extended family day you want to be at home and focus on your dh & dc.

Original poster

mulranno · 13/12/2008 19:32

Yes she has a drug problem - did 20 lines of coke at my mothers funeral, drank herself stupid and then had ths fit about how I didnt comfort her. This is the real problem she is bonkers, paranoid, deluded etc I think she has drug induced phycosis...its hard to both tolerate her out rageous behaviour and/or have a sensible conversation her as she is so irrational. I think that I will not expose myself to it all I think I am raw, vunerable, admittedly on edge and I dont want to spend my Christmas on egg shells. This will let my sisters down but I will let them down more if I crack as I have never done in the past...I dont think I will crack ...but I think I dont need the stress involved in keeping it together.

OP posts:

nkf · 13/12/2008 19:37

Don't go if you feel you can't cope. Or pop in. It could be though that she is becoming a focus for you in your time of grief. I think saying something to your brother will cause more problems. Very sorry for your grief. Perhaps you should stay home and be with yoru children.

HumphreyCushUponAMidnightClear · 13/12/2008 19:37

Perhaps you should go, and do your best to avoid any direct contact with her.
If she says or does something that upsets you, say so, loudly and clearly in front of everyone.
There is no reason why you should tiptoe around someone who has caused you so much hurt.
Surely your family will support you in speaking out if SIL upsets you in front of them all?

Sorry for your loss - this time of year must be very difficult for you.

ThingOne · 13/12/2008 19:49

It sounds awful, but please don't do anything to upset your brother further when you are all grieving so much. Find a reason not to go. The confrontation could be horrible for all of you, and he consequences painful for years.

MissisBoot · 13/12/2008 19:49

Please don't go - it will be too painful for you. Spend christmas day with your family and then maybe catch up with siblings on a 1-2- basis.

Have you had any support over the last few months?

beanieb · 13/12/2008 19:52

do you have to share christmas with her? Maybe have christmas with your family (children) as they need you and then see them on Boxing day?

lou031205 · 13/12/2008 20:10

Whether you go is a tricky one. Regardless I think it is outrageous to openly say that someone can't talk to you, and I suspect that if you weren't grieving so much and so raw that you would be quite horrified at the thought of someone going to a meal but refusing to speak to one of the parties.

Having Said That I do think that you have to look after yourself first and foremost, and that involves finding a way of distancing yourself from her. If that means not going, then I would say that is the wisest option.

I think that your sisters and brother would find that much easier to get over than a huge blowout (however justified) that will last years.

I am so so sorry that you even have to think about these things at this time of year and I hope your DH really looks after you.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 13/12/2008 20:17

She sounds dreadful but when you're consumed with grief it's best to avoid rather than confront.

noonki · 13/12/2008 20:31

I am so sorry for your loss.

It must be such a difficlut time, especially if it was rapid and aggressive.

Do you know about cocaine addiction? IF so it may help you go some way to understanding your SIL behaviour, but imo not condoning it.

My ex turned into a cocaine addict and they are are generally so self centred it is unbelivable. It's all about them.

I would say to your sisters that you are not up for a big christmas and want a quiet one this year.

Don't split links with your brother, he will be suffering too, along with having to deal with a partner who is a coke head (not fun).

Good luck x

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 21:49

It will be dreadful, your brother's loyalties would be split and you would be on edge and upset.
I would just say that you are going to have a very quiet,family Christmas this year. I would put your DCs first, give them a good time and I wouldn't expose them to a drug addict. She is beyond help, unless she chooses to come off drugs, however well meaning, no one can do it for her.

critterjitter · 13/12/2008 22:02

I wouldn't go. You really don't want to subject your children to her unpredictable behaviour.

If you don't want to have a straight talk with them (your brother and sister in law) before Christmas, then just pull out on the day or something (don't give them enough time to change their plans and say they'll come over instead etc.)

Say one of the kids has come down with something, might be measles, what a pity, you'd all been looking forward to it, never mind etc etc. Think its better to tell a white lie than have a big confrontation on Christmas day, particularly when kids are about.

Original poster

mulranno · 13/12/2008 22:05

I know that I will not get into a row with her. I never have.
I am just exhausted at having to keep cool (it is also 10 days together in Ireland ...not just Christmas day)...I just wanted to explore if it would be reasonable to ask her to respect my grief and personal space and just keep at arms length. Feedback seems unanimous suggesting that this is an outrageous request.
I havent the energy to tip toe around her...so I think that I will let my sisters down and not go. I think that I want to spend Christmas with this pressure off my back I am too tired. But I struggle with the fact that a coke addict can send a nasty letter to my mother on her death bed, can accuse me of something I didnt do at the lowest point of my life when my mothers withered husk of a body was lowered in to the ground...and that everyone suggests that this should be tolerated. Do we all have to live by the actions of the lowest common denominater just to avoid a scene...?

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