to be really upset with my brother?

[onthevergeoftears]

I am a namechanging regular, I shouldn't really post about this on here but I have nobody else to talk to right now.

My brother is a couple of years older than me, we were very close as children. I had a long period of not being in contact with him at all, because my mother (who is controlling, pathologically selfish and has very poor mental stability) made it a condition of my relationship with her that I not be in touch with him, on the grounds that he refused to see/speak to her, so it would be disloyal of me. My relationship with her ended two years ago after I finally snapped - her behaviour became so extreme that my children were being affected and I was literally at breaking point, I was quite ill with various stress-related problems and really couldn't take it any more.

I re-established a relationship with my brother over the ensuing months, we stayed with each other and he has a good relationship with my children now even though there is "water under the bridge" between him and me.

He doesn't speak to my father either (our family really is such a sad broken mess). He knows that I have a relationship with my father (again, water under the bridge, but we have worked hard at it and he has a great relationship with his grandsons which I value) but prefers me not to mention him.

My father recently sold his house and wanted to give my brother a small lump sum of money, he felt my brother was entitled to it because he hadn't paid for his university time, hadn't done a lot for him when he was growing up etc. I told my father that I was very sure my brother wouldn't take the money and I didn't particularly want to be in the middle of it. My dad was very keen for me to try and make this happen somehow - he kept saying no strings, he didn't expect contact or thanks or anything, he just regarded it as my brother's money by right. Eventually I agreed that I would take the money and keep it in cash in my house, and if I was ever able to get my brother to take it, fine, but probably not.

I THOUGHT that I had told my brother about the money and he had said something like "No, I'm not interested in his f*ing money" - but I suppose it is possibly I didn't and just assumed that would be the response.

I received an email from my brother yesterday asking me if I could possibly loan him some money because he's going through a really difficult patch. I know he hates asking but I have offered in the past, and he has lent/given us money too, when he had it. The trouble is that I don't have much money spare at the moment, it's Christmas etc. And I didn't know how much trouble he was in or how much he needed.

So after much thought, I emailed him back saying "do you remember me mentioning that I have £xxx in an envelope which dad wanted you to have - I know how you feel about taking money from him but I don't have to tell him you've got it, and you could aim to just put it back when you can if it makes you feel any better about it?"

I got one back saying "thanks but I'd rather cut my own throat, lets just forget the whole thing", and "no, you bloody well didn't mention it"

so I emailed back and said that I was sorry for bringing it up, I thought I had mentioned it, and although I do understand how he feels about taking dad's money I felt I had to tell him it was there. And also that dh and I could lend him a lesser sum, and could put it straight into his bank account.

So today I came home from a crap day at work to a really nasty email from my nrother saying that he is reeling from finding out that I 'colluded' in such a thing, and bringing up a row we had recently in London which I apologised PROFUSELY for at the time (I was drunk and said something I shouldn't have in front of his ex, I didn't know I shouldn't and I'm not used to going out child-free and drinking that much

and it ended "Merry Christmas"

I am really rattled and upset about this.

Just needed to write it all down really, I know I've f**ked up.

I don't think you've fucked up. You did as asked by your dad. Your brother knows you have a relationship with him, and if this bothers him, then that's his problem not yours.

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sorry x-posted! thanks naturalblonde, that makes me feel a bit less like I'm going out of my mind. Everything I do with my family seems to be wrong.

you didnt do anything malicousley (sp?) and i tihnk you are being a bit hard on yourself

I think you're being VERY hard on yourself.

Obviously trying to build bridges with your Dad and brother is important to you but maybe you should think about pulling back a little?

It looks like this contact with them is causing you a lot of grief. Maybe it's time you put yourself first.

OK he's either blanked you telling him about the money from his mind, he really doesn't remember it, or you made a mistake and didn't actually tell him. Don't beat yourself up about it, these things happen.

He is shocked by the revelation (whether it is or not) that his dad gave you money to give to him. He needs money badly, but can't/won't take that. He is reacting to this. Understandable.

How badly does he need this money? How badly do you want him to take it?

Have you managed to explain what your dad said, about how it is actually more of an entitlement and there really are no strings?

I would leave it a little while - days, weeks, you know how long he needs to calm down a little. Then I would get a meeting face to face with him, with no kids, distractions etc, just the two of you, and explain gently and carefully how you came to have the money, everything your dad said about it, and how sorry you are that you hadn't told him (whether you did or not). Placate placate placate. Then I gently would push for him to take it - it is his due, he should have had it long ago when he was at Uni, it's just going to sit in your house not even gathering interest etc.

Then I would completely change the subject and chat about brother/sister things or whatever amuses you both, and leave him to think about it.

If he calls you in a few months, weeks, days, years and asks for it, congratulate him on a wise decision and hand it over.

I do try very hard not to be used as intermediary though, I don't lobby my brother on behalf of my dad, I don't really much care whether they have a relationship or not. In fact I think it's really unlikely that they ever willl, they are too incompatible and there is too much damage.

I just couldn't read an email asking me for money I dont have and not mention the £3000 on top of my kitchen cupboard

I can't send the money back to my dad, he will be crushed

What a horrible mess. I am so sick of it.

I don't mean to come across as defensive/not listening btw, I posted in AIBU because I want to know what people really think, not just have my ego soothed. I should never have agreed to take the bloody money in the first place. I know how prickly my brother is. I am just cursed with seeing both sides, and I hate hurting people.

It sounds impossible to steer a course through your family without someone causing problems; blimey.

Your brother is offended with you for NOT mentioning you had the money, and in the same breath offended with you for mentioning it.

Bloody hell. It sounds an utterly, utterly impossible family and I think you're in an impossible position.

Give the money back to your dad. He might be 'crushed' but why is that less acceptable than you being upset and stressed and in an impossible situation. Your dad should accept it back graciously and he should want to keep you out of that position in the future.

Why are you the scapegoat for all the problems in your family? What a horrible position they all put you in.

1. That money is your father's responsibility, not yours. If he wants your DB to accept it HE should make the arrangements. HE is the one who should be crushed by the non acceptance, as it is HIS relationship with his son and not yours that has caused the problem over acceptance. And why the hell should you be risking having £3k in your house? I would be worried sick over it.

1. If your DB has been offered a large sum from his father, then HE needs to accept or reject it and not leave YOU to deal with it. Particularly since he then expects you to play banker and loan him money What a flaming cheek!

1. Your DB was wrong to say that you colluded in this. Your DF was wrong to ask you to do it. You were unwise to agree, but I don't think you did wrong. I am a bit stunned that anyone could be unsure whether they had mentioned £3k in cash that they had been asked to pass on though!

Cut your losses, give the money back to your dad and let your brother decide whether his financial problems or his pride are his priority. If he apologise for his arsey behaviour you could lend him the money but personally I wouldn't after this.

Agree with provlady
and
They need their skulls knocking together

thank you all for your messages, I am reading them all and really coming to the conclusion that I have to give this money back to my dad and tell him I can't be in the middle of this.

Things were much, much worse than this before I finally cut ties with my mother - my siblings are older than me and both left home amid awful rows and turmoil, then there was years and years of crawling back and falling out again, and crawling back and falling out again, all with me in the middle being bashed by everyone and not knowing which way was up. I spent years being my mother's only confidante and subject to her terrible rages and psychotic episodes whenever something went wrong, and also the only person everyone else would speak to. I'm not being self-pitying, it's just such a relief not to have to do all that any more. It was really killing me, I had constant migraines znd nightmares all through my teens and twenties and had a breakdown followed by 3 years with ME and fibromyalgia. I'm still on ADs, another drug for panic disorder/anxiety and high blood pressure tablets, and need physio for tension problems in my neck and shoulders. I can't answer my land line because my mother used it as a weapon and I get dizzy every time it rings.

This email from my brother has really knocked me sideways, I didn't realise I had done anything that wrong, although I knew he would almost certainly not take the moeny from dad. Even though people are saying this isn't my fault I still feel really horrible in a way I can't explain.

Aaaaaarrrrgh

Yep. Cash back to dad, toot sweet. Explain to brother that you've done it and say you're sorry that he took the offer badly (don't say sorry for offering though!)

I suppose you could tell him that he's the last sane member of the family and you'd hate to fall out with him over this (or something) and explain it all a bit. Then you have to wait and see!

Hope you don't let your dad put you in a situation like that again - it's most unfair on you.

Nothing to add but wanted to voice support. You sound like you've been through far more than you should have had to, I hope things get better for you soon.
I'm sure your brother will be more rational once he calms down and hope you can rebuild your relationship there.

Just came back to agree with PLady's excellent advice. And reiterate my earlier point: give yourself some breathing space. Put yourself first.

I'm wavering a bit Dandylioness, but I wonder whether he will just cut me off if I offer again.

He said "I'd rather cut my own throat and drink lemon juice" and called our father a "sick coward"

I can't really afford to lend him money but I've offered a lesser sum, I will have to offer that again now as there's not really any way he can ask me again after what's just happened

I wish I had gently refused to get involved in the first place.

that's the crux of it though dittany - my brother and I just don't and never will agree about my dad's basic character, so we see his motives over this money completely differently from my brother. Hence I can say hand on heart that my dad means this money as a one-off payment of something my brother is entitled to, no strings attached, while my brother's gut reaction is much the same as the one I have when people say "but couldn't you just be civil to one another so she can see her grandchildren" - if my mother were a human being, that would indeed be preferable to the current situation, but frankly you might as well try and use NLP on a Rottweiler. She isn't capable of adhering to any boundaries whatsoever, however much is a stake.

My brother and I know that we disagree about my father, but we don't talk about it, so I suppose it's a sort of deep crack in our relationship that can't be filled - does that make sense?

I think my mistake was in taking the money and saying "OK, I'll try, it won't work and he won't like it but I'll try". I crossed a line there and put my view of my father above my brother's over something that concerned him, and not me.

I just need to get rid of the f*king money as soon as possible and apologise again.

I am an idiot!

thanks so much for all the advice everyone, it's a lifesaver xx

I wonder if it would be helpful to you to email your brother with a version of your OP. Tell him how much you love and respect him, but you just can't take the emotional manipulation of ALL your family members any more, that you will be giving the money back to your father as you do not feel comfortable with it sitting on top of your kitchen cupboard. Tell him that you love him, but you need to concentrate on your kids and your own self esteem for a while, but that you would still welcome contact from him if that is what he wishes.