to be really upset with my brother?

[onthevergeoftears]

I am a namechanging regular, I shouldn't really post about this on here but I have nobody else to talk to right now.

My brother is a couple of years older than me, we were very close as children. I had a long period of not being in contact with him at all, because my mother (who is controlling, pathologically selfish and has very poor mental stability) made it a condition of my relationship with her that I not be in touch with him, on the grounds that he refused to see/speak to her, so it would be disloyal of me. My relationship with her ended two years ago after I finally snapped - her behaviour became so extreme that my children were being affected and I was literally at breaking point, I was quite ill with various stress-related problems and really couldn't take it any more.

I re-established a relationship with my brother over the ensuing months, we stayed with each other and he has a good relationship with my children now even though there is "water under the bridge" between him and me.

He doesn't speak to my father either (our family really is such a sad broken mess). He knows that I have a relationship with my father (again, water under the bridge, but we have worked hard at it and he has a great relationship with his grandsons which I value) but prefers me not to mention him.

My father recently sold his house and wanted to give my brother a small lump sum of money, he felt my brother was entitled to it because he hadn't paid for his university time, hadn't done a lot for him when he was growing up etc. I told my father that I was very sure my brother wouldn't take the money and I didn't particularly want to be in the middle of it. My dad was very keen for me to try and make this happen somehow - he kept saying no strings, he didn't expect contact or thanks or anything, he just regarded it as my brother's money by right. Eventually I agreed that I would take the money and keep it in cash in my house, and if I was ever able to get my brother to take it, fine, but probably not.

I THOUGHT that I had told my brother about the money and he had said something like "No, I'm not interested in his f*ing money" - but I suppose it is possibly I didn't and just assumed that would be the response.

I received an email from my brother yesterday asking me if I could possibly loan him some money because he's going through a really difficult patch. I know he hates asking but I have offered in the past, and he has lent/given us money too, when he had it. The trouble is that I don't have much money spare at the moment, it's Christmas etc. And I didn't know how much trouble he was in or how much he needed.

So after much thought, I emailed him back saying "do you remember me mentioning that I have £xxx in an envelope which dad wanted you to have - I know how you feel about taking money from him but I don't have to tell him you've got it, and you could aim to just put it back when you can if it makes you feel any better about it?"

I got one back saying "thanks but I'd rather cut my own throat, lets just forget the whole thing", and "no, you bloody well didn't mention it"

so I emailed back and said that I was sorry for bringing it up, I thought I had mentioned it, and although I do understand how he feels about taking dad's money I felt I had to tell him it was there. And also that dh and I could lend him a lesser sum, and could put it straight into his bank account.

So today I came home from a crap day at work to a really nasty email from my nrother saying that he is reeling from finding out that I 'colluded' in such a thing, and bringing up a row we had recently in London which I apologised PROFUSELY for at the time (I was drunk and said something I shouldn't have in front of his ex, I didn't know I shouldn't and I'm not used to going out child-free and drinking that much

and it ended "Merry Christmas"

I am really rattled and upset about this.

Just needed to write it all down really, I know I've f**ked up.

I don't think you are in any way at fault here, you are being asked to choose where your loyalties lie and act as a go between in very difficult circumstances.
Nobody should put that kind of pressure on a person. You have your own relationship with these people to consider and they should resolve things directly.
I think theramones suggestion is a good one and it would give you a chance to gently put how you feel.

Hope things sort themselves out for you and it doesn't overshadow your christmas....

Your dad may be crushed, but the issues your DF and DB have are of their own making. They are grown boys, and quite frankly, your brother sounds like he is having a complete dummy spit.

Send him an email telling him that you will be giving the money back to your dad and as far as you are concerned the matter is over, because you will NOT be put into a situation by either of them to have to choose between them (because by throwing such a tantrum that is effectively what your brother is trying to do!).

Hope it works out for you, but I suspect that the issues between your DF and DB will continue to raise themselves at awkward times.

What a nightmare - i agree with the others hand the money back to your dad and tell him to deal with it - dont get involved.

Send bro an email explaining what you have posted here and leave it in his hands - you are not responsible for your family - they are causing you so much grief i would worry only about dh and dcs

Not sure why your phone ringing causes you problems - can you not change your phone no? Bar her no or just get rid of the land line completely? DH and i have mobiles only - that way you can see who is calling and choose whether to answer phone or not.

I think you are right Merry, it's never really going to go away . I wish we were a nicer family.

I am dreading giving the money back to my dad though, he will feel like a door has been slammed in his face.

racmac people kept suggesting barring her or changing me number, when she was ringing 30+ times a night and leaving weird abusive messages. But I didn't because I felt, knowing her as I do, that as long as she had a place to decant all the vile rage - my voicemail - the less chance that she would turn up in person or do something more extreme. I still haven't changed it, because if there are stirrings of it all starting up again, I'd rather have the warning...does that make sense?

Just for once don't think of your dad's feelings, ontheverge.

This is a big effect that non-nurturing/abusive parents have on children; they make you place yourself and your needs at the very bottom of the pile. You become a people pleaser, you become convinced that other people's needs are more important.

I think it will be hard for you but I think you need to hand it back and NOT wait for your dad's reaction and HIS feelings but tell him how horrible it's been and what a position it put you in. Focus on it from your point of view!

my brother has emailed me and apologised for dragging up the other row, and saying he hopes all with well with me and the children, but that he felt I didn't understand at all how he feels, and that it really shocked him that I would do this.

so I have apologised again and
told him I will be giving the money back to my dad and taking no further part in it.

and I offered to lend him the smaller sum as well, I hope he accepts.

Sometimes it just feels as though whatever position I take, somebody will be calling me an arsehole!

Don't let your brother give you too hard a time though, or it's a bit like he's shaping up to be a tyrant too.

You did what you did. He doesn't have to like it, but he certainly shouldn't be in any doubt about the purity of YOUR motives. He ought to apologise to YOU for giving you a hard time.

I think you're right Dadylioness, we have some frank talking to do . But I will also take prettybutterfly's advice and not let him make me crawl too much - I didn't mean any harm, that has to count for something.

Thanks for your support!