To think dh is being monstrously unfair?

[theSuburbanDryad]

So as some of you may know, dh and i have just bought our first house. It's a really good house, and we got a really good deal on it and our mortgage and thanks to the recent interest cuts we're paying about £200 less on our mortgage then we were on our rent.

As some of you may also know, dh is very unhappy in his job. I don't think he's overreacting, he is constantly put in bad positions which could affect his career long term, even after he's left this company.

However, this morning he was saying things like, "If I was single, and had no responsibilities then I'd have told them to shove their job yesterday." Which makes me feel totally shite - like ds and I are forcing him to stay in this job which he hates because we can't afford for him to just quit. I offered him the option to leave earlier in the year, when we were having loads of problems in our relationship, he could have gone back to his parents for a bit and sorted himself out, both career wise and with his head! He didn't want to do that, and shortly after I found out I was pg with dc2, and we managed to get our issues mainly sorted.

The thing is, I feel that we all have to work at jobs we don't like and do things we don't enjoy to support our families. If I'm brutally honest then I'm not looking forward to being a mum of 2 - dc2 was somewhat of a surprise and I was enjoying getting my life sorted with ds at nursery and me working part time.

I don't know what I can do to make dh happier, or to make his life easier - I've pointed out to him that we can more flexible financially with a mortgage than we could while renting and that we can get income protection and insurance so that if he is made redundant on a whim (a real possibility, unfortunately) then at least we're covered a little bit. But I just feel that he is being unfair to blame ds and me for the situation we've found ourselves in - we've made the best financial decisions we could, and done the best with what we could. And saying things like, "Well this is just it for the next 35 years, isn't it?" don't really help with anything. I know he's depressed and I know how awful that black hole of despair can be, but if he won't try and lift himself out then there's not much I can do to help, and making me feel like shit isn't going to change anything other than make me feel resentful and miserable too.

Maybe he's not so much having a go at you as getting it out of his system?

Can he look for another job or do some more training while he's in this one?

You're absolutely right in principle, but you're forgetting that there is no reason or logic in depression. It's not your DH talking, it's the depression talking - you're looking for fairness and sense, when there just won't be any. When my DD was first depressed I became very frustrated by her stubbornness re not making an effort to lift herself out if it - eventually I worked out that she was convinced she was unable to lift herself out of it, and so there was no point trying. It sounds similar with your DH.

I don't know if he's already being treated for depression, but if not I really think he needs a chat with his GP.

YANBU to be very upset when your DH says things like that to you.

As an adult with responsibilites you do have to just suck it up. Life is what you make it.
Does he want to be in the industry he is in or does he want a total change of career direction, if the former can he not look for a similar job elsewhere? If the latter then he needs to take steps to achieve what he wants. But not at the expense of his family and responsibilities.

If he is depressed has he seen his GP? is he on AD's?. He needs to help himself, you cannot do it for him.

This is a difficult one because I can definitely see both points of view.

Firstly, he is not blaming you and your ds, he is saying he hates his job and that he worries he will be stuck doing that for the next 35 years. Try not to take it personally as it's about him being unfulfilled and not about you.

I don't think it's sustainable long term to do things we don't like and don't enjoy to support our families - as far as I know we only get one life. Home life with you and the children would have to be ambrosial to compensate for how much he hates what he does - and it isn't, look at the problems you guys have had this year.

You definitely need a plan to see if there is other work he would enjoy doing, I would suggest a career coach/life coach session to pin down the sort of work he likes and what he can capitalise on.

Feel very sorry for you too, it is very difficult when someone gets this pissed off with work and it has gone on so long for you to remain upbeat and positive so sending you good vibes

it is unfair to make you feel like that - although we all have responsibilities, I think its up to each individual to make themselves as happy as they can be without putting the rest of the family out.

Can he not start applying for other jobs? Or if he would have to re-train, at least look at courses, and the two of you work out a timetable for when he could do it? even if it was part time over a few years so that he still had an income.

I think very few people are really genuinely stuck on one job for ever and cant do anything to change it (although unfortunately now is not the best time to be looking for a new job).

thing is, he's right and so are you - when you have a family you DO have more responsibilities. Are you sure though that he is resentful of those responsibilities? My husband says similar things, but he is not meaning that he REGRETS having the kids, he's just saying that you can't please yourself when you have a family to take care of, and he talks about the pressure he feels. Perhaps your husband is just sharing with you, the pressure he is under to do his part in providing? Maybe he's just wanting some tlc, or a listening ear, or something?

Has he SAID "I blame you"? or has he said "I feel pressure of my responsibilities" because they are 2 very different sentiments.

Yes, I think he needs to see the GP too and maybe go on some AD's - but then I'm being a huge hypocrite because I refused to go on AD's when I had PND!

He likes his actual job, it's the lack of support from the directors and the fact that sometimes they seem to be out and out sabotaging his work that makes him angry and upset. I don't know if he's still looking - it's very hard because dc2 is due at the end of February, and although it's unlikely he'll get paternity leave anyway I can't see a new employer being too impressed with someone wanting to take 2 weeks off pretty much as soon as they've started!

Well, I think us Mums feel that we do sometimes have a right to moan about the responsibilities of childcare etc. And we hope that our dh's will listen without taking it as criticism or us genuinely wishing we were single. So I think you should try to give your dh some leeway too.

Hecate - wise words as usual! You make a very good point - he hasn't said "I blame you", that's me projecting. I know that he needs tlc and a listening ear and I try to give that to him. This morning I suggested that he phone in sick today so we could go and speak to the GP and get something sorted for him but he wouldn't because he is worried he'll be laid off if he phones in sick. A not unreasonable fear, as it seems several people have just been made redundant because of having too much time off.

I want to help - he just makes it so difficult! It's very frustrating.

best to be upfront and just be honest-

'when you say "if you were single etc" you make me feel worried and sad... what do you mean by that?'

don't get bogged down by the wee things, try to remain positive and maybe it will rub off a bit on him. He's a big boy who can surely sort his career out himself so when he gets down about it, just state that you have faith that he can turn things around for himself and change the subject.

let him take personal responsibility.

I think he is venting his frustrations about his job in the wrong direction, does he really think his life would be eaiser if he were single? he would still have to support his dc finacially, what would his goals be from there? to stay single for the rest of his life? watch another man replace him in your life(im sure you dont plan on staying sinlge forever) grow old lonely? or meet someone esle and maybe have another family and be back in the same boat he is now?

Being single is not going to change the fact that his job is shit, maybe someone needs to point this out to him

Laurie - he got some details of a life coach from edam, and he looked online but felt it was too "New-Agey" to be of any help.

my sympathy to you both x Life can feel pretty drab at times. My life is certainly nothing as I had imagined it would end up. Not ocmplaining though and not blaming anyone else. Just an honest observation. Difference is, I know it is not my husband?s "fault" that we are not stinking rich/living in a villa somewhere exotic, it is just life. The good outweighs the drab.

Half of me sympathises with him as I do know that feeling or being "trapped" in an adult life I never really expected, forced to make certain decisions because of considerations to my husband and children. Sometimes they are just little ones, like choosing not to go on a girly weekend as DH is full of cold and could do with me being round to help out. Other things are bigger, like I know if I were single, I would have followed my dream of working abroad and travelling more. Now and again, on a black day, I do wonder how life might have been (just now and again I think of what might have been..) However, not for a minute would I swap my life, drab and dull at times, for being single or without my children and DH. Also, I would never ever hurt DH by saying to him that "if I didn?t have you lot pulling me down, I could do X, Y or Z". Just unfair and cruel.

So, why I understand how life can feel like it holds you back, the other half of me does not sympathise at all. He is an adult, he made these choices - you did not bully him into your relationship, children, choice of house, his job etc etc - and he needs to act like an adult. Yes, moan now and again if you must, but don?t take it out on you or the children. His ordinary life is not your making or "fault". Hopefully he was just sounding off and should apologise for being out of order. If he genuinely feels you are "holding him back" then he needs to sit down and think it through carefully before it kills your relationship.
Talk to him, tell him how much his comments hurt and worry you. Get him to be honest about how he feels and admit whether he truly believes in what he said. If he does feel unhappy with your life (and hopefully realises it is not a blame game, just a fact) then surely there are ways to change and improve it. Can he not look at changing his job? Could he not think about ways to make the week more bearable? join a gym, new hobby, pick up an old one, more family time doing fun stuff together, weekend away now and again - find ways to put the fun stuff back and make the ordinary stuff worth doing.

Vinegar - I think he feels that if he were single he'd have more options. He feels very trapped in his job and I can totally see where he's coming from. He can't just tell them to shove their job because we need his income! I'm in the same position, btw, I'll have to go back to work after dc2 is born because we need my income too - but the difference is I love my job and the people I work with!

My dh hates his job too, but would never make me feel guilty about it although I do.
I think saying if he was single is a really horrible thing to say.

Just before ds came along, dh was about to embark on a career change. It never happened!
Have told him that later on I will work full time in order for him to do the career change.

Don't know what to suggest really. My dh has kind of accepted that this is his lot and he has responsibilities now and i know he is a bit resentful, but appreciated me talking to him about career change and offering to work full time so he can sort his out.

of course, if you think it is genuine depression, then professional help is the way to go, as others have already said.

Lemon - thank you for your kind words. I have suggested that he gets a hobby or goes to the gym or swimming after work. The trouble is that he doesn't get home till after 7 most evening as he works till 6 and then has an hour's drive home so he feels pretty drained when he gets back.

I do think he needs to start looking for another job - as I said it's unlikely he'll get paternity leave in his current job so it wouldn't make much difference from that point of view if he had to start a new job just before dc2 came along. And who knows - he might find a sympathetic employer? I'm told they do exist!

Isn't there rules regarding paternity leave now? or am I delusional ?

I can understand how he feels about his job, and working till 7 every night will be very draining, i am out of the house from 7.30am to 6.30pm in my job and have a 2 hr commute and i feel like i have no life and never see my ds, but i cant just throw in the towel and say i want to be single, becuase i already am!

He does sounds like he is depressed, i hope he finds a better job soon, must be awful to feel like this, for both of you.

Yes - he could take the 2 weeks at statutory paternity pay, but we can't afford for him to do that unfortunately. His employers are also being massive cocks about his annual leave so he can't even use that.

I don't doubt for a second that he is in a horrible position, and I sympathise totally but I don't see how I can support him anymore!

If he is really tired after work, Maybe try to make the most of the weekends then? Anything that will give him something to look forward to and to spend time as a family unit would be good. Even simple pleasures like all going to the local swimming pool, visit a santas grotto, wintery walk with a hot soup and bacon sarnie picnic, go to the zoo, family movie afternoon complete with blankets to snuggle under, popcorn and hot chocolate..
Evenings can still be fun when tired. Little things, like a good movie snuggled up on the sofa, few candles lit, warm bubble bath..

Sounds like a career change might be what he needs. Talk it through with him and see if he has any clear ideas of what his dream job would be, what skills are transferable etc etc.

Your sympathy and understanding towards him shine though your posts. Sounds like you are a strong person and keen to support him through this. I really hope you can encourage him to pull it together and work as a family to improve the way he feels x

What line of work is he in SD?

He's in PR/Marketing.

I really feel for you both.
Being the main breadwinner must be a huge pressure when you hate your job.
You sound like you're doing all you can to support him.
I know some women who don't give their DH's feelings a second thought.