To think dh is being monstrously unfair?

[theSuburbanDryad]

So as some of you may know, dh and i have just bought our first house. It's a really good house, and we got a really good deal on it and our mortgage and thanks to the recent interest cuts we're paying about £200 less on our mortgage then we were on our rent.

As some of you may also know, dh is very unhappy in his job. I don't think he's overreacting, he is constantly put in bad positions which could affect his career long term, even after he's left this company.

However, this morning he was saying things like, "If I was single, and had no responsibilities then I'd have told them to shove their job yesterday." Which makes me feel totally shite - like ds and I are forcing him to stay in this job which he hates because we can't afford for him to just quit. I offered him the option to leave earlier in the year, when we were having loads of problems in our relationship, he could have gone back to his parents for a bit and sorted himself out, both career wise and with his head! He didn't want to do that, and shortly after I found out I was pg with dc2, and we managed to get our issues mainly sorted.

The thing is, I feel that we all have to work at jobs we don't like and do things we don't enjoy to support our families. If I'm brutally honest then I'm not looking forward to being a mum of 2 - dc2 was somewhat of a surprise and I was enjoying getting my life sorted with ds at nursery and me working part time.

I don't know what I can do to make dh happier, or to make his life easier - I've pointed out to him that we can more flexible financially with a mortgage than we could while renting and that we can get income protection and insurance so that if he is made redundant on a whim (a real possibility, unfortunately) then at least we're covered a little bit. But I just feel that he is being unfair to blame ds and me for the situation we've found ourselves in - we've made the best financial decisions we could, and done the best with what we could. And saying things like, "Well this is just it for the next 35 years, isn't it?" don't really help with anything. I know he's depressed and I know how awful that black hole of despair can be, but if he won't try and lift himself out then there's not much I can do to help, and making me feel like shit isn't going to change anything other than make me feel resentful and miserable too.

Just talking to him on MSN now, and have mentioned AD's as well as forwarding him the links to jobs I found earlier. He doesn't think he has the right experience for either job - maybe I should look further afield.

UD, you shouldn't be looking further afield.
If you already feel blamed then how would you feel if you found him a different job and then he hated that one too? or hated that one more?
He is a grown man, and although you just want to help, you have to leave him to do it himself.
Also, I often say 'If I were single' and it's not a slight on anyone, it's just a reflection on my choices. There are things I would love to be able to do, but can't but that's through my own choices, no-one else's.

bit codependent- you sound like his mother.

Well, talking to him just now he does seem happier - he managed to sort out a hugely complicated situation to everyone's satisfaction!

I have told him I'll cook whatever he wants for tea tonight, as I'm not at work today.

blinks - eh?!

Trust me - I do not sound like his mother!

Sorry, UD but she's right.

I don't understand what you mean by co-dependent.

Yes, we are dependent on each other to an extent, we're married - isn't that how it's supposed to work?

He seems more dependant on you though.
You're the one trying to sort his life out, not him.

Oh, also meant to say, it's not healthy to depend on someone else to sort things out for you.
Being able to depend on someone is great, but needing to (unless for something practical, like childcare) is different.

This is a very familiar scenario - though you're pregnant too.

I have a huge tendency to rush into finding solutions when dh says stuff like this (which he does EVERY week, sometimes every day). It is hard not to, when you hear the things they say as 'You're doing this to me'. But as blinks said, he's not actually saying that.

Try to think more about saying 'You sound really fed up' (I'm sure you do, just reiterating it) and holding back from bombarding him with answers. This is supposed to be a more 'female' approach but that's pants like all gender stereotyping - I know lots of women and men who react like this to the problems of their loved ones, and the same reaction is all over MN sometimes!

His self-respect and happiness will ultimately come from identifying his own way forward, with your support.

I do agree that it is worth resisting the temptation to fix life for him, find him jobs etc. I did this with my DH for literally years - he was stuck in a dead end job, I felt he had far more prospects than he was giving himself credit for, etc.

But it really is down to the individual, he must find his own path and his own motivation. I agree you don't need to look for jobs for him. It's a false position all round.

As it turns out he has looked at those jobs already - so it's not like I'm doing something he's not capable of doing for himself IYSWIM.

I get what you mean by co-dependent now, and I think I agree. He's asked if he can have Saturday "off" so he can have some time to go into London on his own and do some shopping which I think is fair enough - especially as I had a day shopping in London with a friend and no ds last month!

WHy don?t you meet up with him in London afterwards and the three of you go out for a meal?

I don?t think you are mothering him. You sound like a supportive wife fighting to get your husband back on track. He is one lucky man and hope he does some amazing Christmas shopping for you and DS on Saturday

Yes - I think that's a good plan lemon.

I hope I'm not (s)mothering him - I'm trying to support him through a difficult time, the same as he did for me when I was struggling with ds.

I believe you're just trying to help, I really do, but it seems a large part of what he has complained about is feeling railroaded almost. By having a family he possibly feels that choices other people have have been taken away from him. I just don't think that even with the best intentions your helping will have the desired effect and may in fact just bother him more.
I know it's hard (I have to sit on my hands and bite my tongue with DP at times) but you just have to let him sort it out himself, rather than doing what you think will help, ask him if there is anything you can do to help, let him take the decisions in his own hands.

yup, agree with VS, there's a difference between supporting and spoon-feeding.