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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman hasn't a clue what she's talking about and she's supposed to be qualified!

54 replies

ATadgeUpset · 09/12/2008 22:51

Be gentle with me I'm feeling very sensitive about all this, BUT ... AIBU to so pissed off with this woman?

I work for a large organisation that is well known to the public, I have been signed off sick by my doctor with PND, even though my daughter is now 15 months? I am into my second month sick and I have been made to go to an occupational health appointment with an 'adviser'.

So I went to the appointment today, the woman had my information wrong saying I was into my third month sick, she then asked me to explain why 'I thought I had depression', so cutting a long story short, I explained the 4 years TTC, 3 cycles of IVF, 1 miscarriage, horrendous pregnancy, unplanned C section and dreadful problems with the breastfeeding, all this leading to problems in my relationship and she just completely ignored all I said? She obviously didn't listen to some of what I said as she asked the opposite question to what I had told her, I ended up in tears as I had just spilled something that still torments me daily.

She decided that as my daughter is now 15 months it 'couldn't possibly be PND' and I'm not depressed 'just a bit emotional' OMG I nearly chinned her, I asked her if she was a doctor and she replied no, but knows about these things!!

My doctor did the scale thing and listened to me and decided I was depressed and gave me some tablets. This woman has now written a report to my employers stating I haven't got PND and they will then decide what to do?

I know it does seem late to be diagnosed with PND but when I look back at all this I have been like this since DD was 8 months, but I chose to ignore it all?

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to rant, I feel like I've taken a step back as I had started to feel better, then this bloody woman chose not to believe me.

OP posts:
KatieDD · 09/12/2008 23:18

You are absolutely right moondog, but there are ways of doing things aren't there.
If somebody came to see the OP with an action plan as to how to help her o make that happen I'm sure the OP would be delighted with the support.

DingDongMerrilyOnEI · 09/12/2008 23:19

what a load of crap!!
if the person you saw was qualified she wouldnt be classed as an advisor and therefore as an advisor she is only there to make sure you are following your treatment plan and discuss the possibility of you returning to work. she is in NO WAY QUALIFIED do dole out medical opinion or advice!! she should be given some advice herself on her job description and some bedide manner!!
poor you
FWIW PND can be diagnosed up to 3 years post birth so 16 months is in no way too late for diagnosis and treatment!! i think i had some elements of PND following the birth of my much TTCed/anticipated/struggled for/wanted DD and i never sought help. my DD is 3 next month and only in the past 18 months have i been able to come to terms with that PND and move on (mainly due to life shake up- i got married and started TTC again [13 cycles and counting] and i started to talk about it to my DH got it all out and started feeling better)
i think thisw so called 'advisor' has absolutely no idea what she is talking about and you are most definitely NBU!!! put a complaint in and discuss this with you union aswell as they cant send you to an unqualified person for this kind of illness related absence!!
xx ei xx

ilovemydog · 09/12/2008 23:20

post this in employment also

Pan · 09/12/2008 23:23

OH are notorious for being twatish. They have a duty to the employers, not you at all. Yes I would be justified in chinning her.
Rely on your GP, not this harridan.

3littlefrogs · 09/12/2008 23:25

A properly qualified OH person would/should be looking to liaise with your doctor to come up with a plan to support you back to work, in whatever way your doctor, and you, feels is appropriate. That might be by coming back part time and gradually increasing your hours, looking at your job description etc.

A large organisation ought to be able to do this. I have worked with people with chronic illnesses who have managed to get back to work with a proper "rehab. programme".

gigglewitch · 09/12/2008 23:27

C'mon, moondog. Time off work is a necessity if you're so depressed that you can't see your way out of bed / out of the house / organise anything. Which is precisely how pnd works.
Then what you need is absolutely heaps and heaps of support to help you find 'you' again, and assume normality in as many aspects as is possible. Disagreeing with the notion of time off for those suffering from depression is ludicrous.

KatieDD · 09/12/2008 23:30

Getting back to work is one of the first stages of treatment plans that I have seen, it's a priority to get back into a routine as soon as possible for the whole families benefit.

OptimistS · 09/12/2008 23:38

It's a hard balance to get between getting back to normality and allowing someone time to legitimately grieve their problems. My best friend has cripping depression, and although I get it right more than I get it wrong, I still find it difficult to judge when I should push her to do something and when I should be gentle and allow her to make the decision in her own time. And I say that as a best friend. Imagine how much harder it must be if you're a health professional who doesn't really know someone on a personal level!

That said, regardless of what you believe the OP should be doing at this point, it seems obvious to me that the woman she saw was saying stuff well outside her scope of experience, and that's not acceptable.

elkiedee · 09/12/2008 23:38

katiedd, treatment plans prepared by whom?

I know that I fought whatever I had (not really sure if it was PND or depression arising from some of the circumstances or something else) by getting out of the house with ds, and establishing day to day routines and plans, when I was on maternity leave, and yes, that worked for me. But I wouldn't assume it to be the answer for any other new mums, or even mums of 15 month olds.

I can't see how simply frightening people back to work is the answer to any type of depression though.

wotuhohohoinat · 09/12/2008 23:39

But maybe something as life-changing as having a child means that staying home with your child is a help? I have no intention of returning to work (they know that, btw, they are just taking their time in dealing with it) as being at home with my son has been a help and has meant I feel like I am making up for lost time with him. It's been extremely hard, don't get me wrong, but ig I had attempted to go back to work at some point, I would have slowed down my recovery, I'm sure.
Someone with PND shouldn't be rushed back into work.

KatieDD · 09/12/2008 23:43

It should not ever be a case of forcing or frightening somebody back to work, my neighbours plan was put together by the health visitor btw, it's a case of sitting around smoking getting fat, not cleaning the house, not cleaning the children or being given a gentle shove into having to set an alarm clock, get the child washed and dressed and off to nursery and do something for a few hours a day is benefical to everyone.
If the mother is depressed there is evidence that the child's development is delayed (child of our time I believe made that point), so the child needs the mother back as fast as possible, never mind the employer (their needs are last on the list).

wotuhohohoinat · 09/12/2008 23:47

My doctor started telling me to think about going back to work after about 4 months off. I was seeing him monthly at that point. I used to have a very anxious week, with sleepless nights, leading up to seeing him as I was petrified that he would stop writing me sick notes and make me go back to work.
It's actually my union that have been most supportive to me.

3littlefrogs · 10/12/2008 07:51

I had pnd until my first was about 2. I don't remember having time to stare at 4 walls or watch day time tv. He was a real livewire who didn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch until he was about 15 months.

By the time I was beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel I was pregnant again.

It is an awful place to be, and support and understanding is so important.

coolma · 10/12/2008 10:36

I have had severe depression on and off since - well forever really - the last lot was exacerbated without a doubt by the birth of my last daughter - she was born with a disabilty which I 'dealt' with for a year, going back to a full time very stressful job when she was three months old. It all 'hit me' one day out of the blue when she was almost one, and I had to stop work because I simply couldn't have done it. Like the op and countless others, had to see an OH woman and I could have killed her on the spot. She was VILE. My doctor was and still is fabulous, but I really feel that going to that woman actually delayed my recovery. She just looked at me sobbing in a heap and asked the most oputrageous questions along the ,ines of 'do you feel that this is a way of not confronting issues at work? The illness cannot be seen, so how can we be sure?' etc.

I'm getting quite worked up thinking about it. And, yes, maybe it isn't always a good thing to be at home when you have 'mental health issues, tell that to the me that couldn't even get out of bed and face my children. It's not a CHOICE.

StephanieByng · 10/12/2008 11:25

gigglewitch I agree with you totally, was about to post the same. Moondog's sweeping generalised view is basically 'these people' shouldn't be off for long periods which is patently a huge generalisation. Being without occupation or therapy or support for long periods may well be detrimental to some people's mental health but it's a huge assumption to say that those signed off sick are staring at four walls and shouldn't be off.

Some of the recovery process for depression can include some time where you can't do anything other than stare at 4 walls. It's way more complex than "they shouldn't be off"

ThingOne · 10/12/2008 11:33

That's shocking OP. Get yourself into the employment forum to find out how you should approach this.

I can't see how on earth she thinks she can over-ride a doctor's diagnosis. Bizarre, to say the least.

Those of you who think she should just get off her arse to make herself better (I paraphrase) and really showing your ignorance of mental health. You cannot possibly know what is best for an individual's recovery based on this post. You attitude could be very damaging to an ill person.

StephanieByng · 10/12/2008 11:46

Are you in a Union, ATadge? I would join one if I were you. Not that I think anything will go wrong here as you have the support of your GP but it may help give you some extra peace of mind to know they are there if you need them.

georgiemum · 10/12/2008 11:56

Who exactly was she - a doctor, psychologist, councellor?

Whoever, she cannot contradict a medical doctors diagnosis. If she could then she would be getting into a very dangerous area of telling people to stop taking medication and that is very much a 'no go' area.

I would actually complain to the company head of HR.

ahfeckit · 10/12/2008 12:33

sorry you are feeling so down, hope the OH gets his/her facts right, and starts listening to folk. it's not that late atall to be diagnosed, many women hide it for as many months...
hope you feel better soon. take each day at a time.

ahfeckit · 10/12/2008 12:36

don't agree with moondog, sorry. PND can take many months to recover from and going back to work can make the situation worse if it is not treated properly first. if it means the OP has to be off work for a year or maybe two, then so be it. She has the right to this, like anyone else signed off sick. They should take as long as they need.

mrsjammilovessantababy · 10/12/2008 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KatieDD · 10/12/2008 17:47

Actually you can be sacked whilst off sick, so that is something to bear in mind.

dinny · 10/12/2008 17:59

have you not got a company doctor you can see rather than OH?

ilovemydog · 10/12/2008 19:35

It isn't whether the company can sack her or not, or whether she should go back to work.

The point is that her GP made a diagnosis which someone with dubious qualifications has queried and subsequently over ruled, possibly with zero medical qualifications.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 10/12/2008 21:38

Hi Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but post this in work issues there are some fantastic HR bods there who can help you with this.

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