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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to DD's School Concert?

83 replies

muggglewump · 09/12/2008 20:02

I have a ton of things to do at home between now and Christmas, it's far easier to do them when DD is at school. I don't work on a Wednesday or Thursday but this week DD is not going to school on Thursday as we are going out for a family lunch.
Anyway, the concert is tomorrow, she is singing two songs with her class, I have it on good authority that she will be in a position (at the back) where I won't even be able to see her.
She is in the Country Dancing Club and they are having a show next week, far smaller and I will be able to see her and enjoy it.

Is it really bad to miss the Concert tomorrow?

OP posts:

Shiner · 10/12/2008 09:44

I remember doing (crappy) things at school and really appreciating the support from at least one of my parents turning up. It's not about whether YOU can see her, it's about HER knowing that what she does is important enough for you to go and see it. She's part of the whole production. I don't suppose you want her to take the approach that if she's only going to be stuck at the back, she may as well not go?

Sorry that sounds really unsympathetic, and I don't mean it to be; it IS difficult cramming everything in, and when it comes to Christmas one feels that the expectations are so very high. However, you are giving her the message that the washing/preparations etc are more important than her musical contribution/achievement in that event, and I don't think that's what you want.

FrostytheSurfmum · 10/12/2008 09:44

I think you should tell her if you aren't going. Like Sunny says, what happens if she talks about it and it becomes clear to her that you weren't there. I think she'll be more let down that you lied about being there, than explaining that you can't.

Bramshott · 10/12/2008 09:49

I would really try to be there if you can. If you had an unavoidable clash, I'd definitely say don't beat yourself up about it, but you are around so I would try to make the effort. Can you plan a super-organised day and get up a bit earlier to make sure you get it all done? Could it be that the family reunion on Thurs is hanging over you and that's what's making you feel that it's all too much?

IllegallyBrunette · 10/12/2008 09:56

She is 7, do you really think she will not know that you weren't there.

What if the class get moved about and she isn't at the back, or they get told that each line can stand individually and wave at their parents/carer (this happens at our school).

Unless you were at work or have an unavoidable appointment ie hospital, then I think yabvu to not go, and even more so to lie to her about it.

Sonnet · 10/12/2008 10:06

Please reconsider - go to show your support of her.

I hope i read this incorrectly, or else it is a presumption, but even if you do not go please please don't lie and pretend you have!! That is the pitts!

Lemontart · 10/12/2008 10:12

I also think you should go to the concert. We are all busy, that is no excuse.
If you don?t go, you have two options : either be honest and tell her you can?t be arsed (imagine how that will make her feel...) or lie to her (she will worry when she cannot see you and if she works it out that you are not there, will be aware that you openly lie to her). Surely just going to the concert and supporting her and the school is better all round?

Amazed you are allowed to pull her out of school for a family meal?! No way our school would ever allow us to do that.

frankbestfriend · 10/12/2008 10:18

'I can't bear the hordes of camcorder parents that make it impossible to see anything anyway. I loathe school productions and assemblies'

Nice

To the OP, she will probably realise you were not there. Then she will lose trust in you as well as feeling unsupported. I think you should reconsider.

You can pull her out of school for lunch, but you do not feel able to give up half an hour of your day for her?
YABVU imo.

LilMatchGirlInVictorianSqualor · 10/12/2008 10:31

YABU.
If you can go, you should.

StephanieByng · 10/12/2008 10:52

Agree with frank; issues if you don't go could include: Child feeling unsupported, child losing trust because you lie to her, (and all attendant possible affects on self esteem - things like this can have far reaching effects)

issues if you DO go; the house stays a bit messy or you're up later sorting paperwork out

I know which I think is more important. I think you need to re-assess your priorities and realise that whether your DD can SEE you watching or not, is SO not the issue.

vacaloca · 10/12/2008 10:52

She'll be posting on MN in 30 years time: 'AIBU to still feel betrayed by my mother because she lied to me about going to my school production when I was 7?'

Seriously, my parents could never go to my Xmas plays because of work and it still hurt. It's not that I wanted them to hear me sing - my teacher always told me to just move my mouth but not actually sing as I was really crap - but I just wanted them there because all the other parents were also there.

Please don't lie to her.

Gorionine · 10/12/2008 11:15

I think you should go. Dcs are very sensitive to this kind of things.You might think it is not a big deal because Dd has "just a small part" but, for her it definitely will be a great deal as she'll have rehearsed for it and she is probably really proud off showing it all off to you.

IMO it does not matter one bit weether you can actually see her or nor (because of cam recorder people or the lady with a big hairdo in front of you) what is important is you ARE supporting her. I am Sure your CM is a really nice person but she is not "mummy". Also be aware that she might very well Quizz you on what were your favourit parts of the play, my Dcs always do it even though they saw I was there.

If you decide not to go anyway, please do not lie to her, She'll understand better if you are honest with her.

ChristmasPiggy · 10/12/2008 11:50

I think you know that you are being VVVVV unreasonable.

But then if you are the type of mother who would even consider not turning up at your daughter's concert, then there is nothing that we on mumsnet can do to change that.

If you are that way inclined, then I'm sure your daughter is getting well used to you not being around for her by now. And probably has many more years of that to come.

Don't you realise that in order to create that never-ending, unmistakeable bond between mother and daughter, she has to spend her childhood years believing that she is THE most important thing in your life?

If she doesn't believe that now, she is certainly not going to believe it when she gets older.

andlipsticktoo · 10/12/2008 12:00

Sorry, but it's not about you being squashed and crowded, and looking at the back of someone's head! I am partially sighted and can't see any of my dcs, but that is NOT the point!
And doesn't everyone have lots to do at this time of year?

lovecat · 10/12/2008 12:05

that you seem to think it's okay to lie to your child.

Please don't lie.

And, seated, I could only see DD's elbow and a bit of hair in her nativity last week, but she knew we were there and the 5 second glimpse of her face that I got when I stood up to let her know we were there, she was BEAMING! Unlike the child that I could see from my vantage point, desperately looking for his mum/dad and failing to see them on the verge of tears.

Logically you're not unreasonable. But in other respects you're coming across as very selfish and rather mean.

littlelyn · 10/12/2008 12:06

TBH, you need to review your priorities.

purpleduck · 10/12/2008 12:14

At our school they let the kids go to their parents and have a hug.
Don't lie
It could turn out very bad!!

BTW, I think you should go too - little effort for alot of gain

Blu · 10/12/2008 12:26

You really must tell her.

She will be scanning the rows, that's what kids DO in school concerts - you cannot possibly know that she won't be able to see you, or that they won't file out, or that she won't be n the ned of a row where she can peer round.

You are deluding yourself.

if you can't / won't go - fine. But TELL her. Say 'so sorry this time, but we are havig a nice lunch on Thu, will be at country dancing..can't do everything'.

WHY would you tell her you were there? the only reason you would do that is because you thinkit is important to her. In which case, go!

And i am talking as a f/t wohm with loads to do before christmas...some just won't get done...prioritise, use your other time well. But don't LIE to your dd. It won't work, and why would you?

piscesmoon · 10/12/2008 13:39

I wouldn't like to tell my DC that I was at home but I had things to do that were more important than watching her! She will know perfectly well that you weren't there if you lie.

Original poster

muggglewump · 10/12/2008 13:43

Christ, I can't believe some of the responses today!
I haven't gone, obviously since it started 5 minutes ago, I did tell DD and I told her why. She's fine about it and looked at me like I was a nutter when I was apologising.

"I'm sure your daughter is getting well used to you not being around for her by now."

Oh I'm sure she absolutely is, me being there for everything up untill today means nothing to you does it? And the fact that I'm sorting out stuff for OUR Christmas means nothing and that I'm taking her out of school to sort mine, and in turn her relationship with my extended family that I have messed up means nothing either.
I do prioritise and I think that I've made the right choices.

Making out I let my daughter down all the time doesn't make it true.

I'm sorry some of you felt let down and unsupported when young but my DD does not.

OP posts:

wideratthehips · 10/12/2008 13:44

if you really could go i'm sure you would and if you cant, you cant that is life.

my parents never made any effort to be involved with anything i did at school and i remember feeling hurt and embarrassed.

i would try everything not to let this happen to my children

Blu · 10/12/2008 13:47

If you told her, that's fine.
imo.

Original poster

muggglewump · 10/12/2008 14:00

I did tell her, she is fine, she knows I've been to everything before and that what I am doing today (aside from Mnetting for 10 minutes) is important for both of us.

There is also a big difference between missing one thing and missing everything or not taking an interest at all which is something I've never done.

OP posts:

Blu · 10/12/2008 14:07

You asked (in AIBU!) you got a range of differing responses, you did what you thought best all round, you're busy, why are you still arguing with those of a differnt opinion on Mn istead of doing all your jobs?

frankbestfriend · 10/12/2008 14:22

Sorry, but you are in fact on mn whilst your dd is performing at school

IllegallyBrunette · 10/12/2008 14:24

Sorry but i think your attitude stinks.

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