To consider not going to DB and SIL's for boxing day?

[Oceanic]

Sorry, this will be long. Bit nervous about submitting this - hence name change - as I suspect I'm BU ...

DB and SIL have been together for about 6 years, living together for about 4, and got married earlier this year.

SIL is Jewish, we are not religious at all.
SIL's birthday is on Christmas Day and has a long-standing tradition of going to her aunt's on Xmas day for a family BDay celebration. Ever since they've been together, DB has gone along with SIL to this, effectively giving up his 'proper' Christmas as they don't celebrate it and SIL's aunt is a vegan and - according to my DB - a crap cook so the food is terrible. But DB wants to do what SIL wants, and she is rather precious about her birthday.

This year, DB will be doing the same but kindly invited me, DH and our child for boxing day along with my parents. I don't have a great relationship with my parents, we weren't speaking for several years (and at one point they weren't speaking to DB either) but have worked towards reconciliation this year. It's at the point where my mother visits me at my house, but my father seems only comfortable seeing us when at DB's, so the few family lunches we've had at DB's have been the only times my father has seen DD this year. So DB's plan for boxing day would be the first time my family was all together at Christmas for over 6 years - a big step in the right direciton and a chance for DD to see her grandparents who she is fond of. I accepted the invite thinking it would only be us, my parents and DB and SIL.

But now SIL has invited her parents and brother too and turned the boxing day into half-Christmas, half-Hanukkah as apparently she doesn't get to celebrate Hannukah much with her parents, even though she'll see them on Christmas day There will be Hanukkah practices and food. SIL is a vegetarian and wants me and my mother to provide dishes. DD will be the only child there. I'm put off this for three reasons:

1. Their flat is v. v. small and so we will be squashed together with half the people sitting on uncomfortable chairs and no room for DD to play with her Christmas presents she'll get from DB and my parents.

1. I do not want to celebrate Hanukkah in any form, and feel uncomfortable about this.

1. SIL's parents are nice but do dominate the conversation, so won't be the chance for my family to bond that I was hoping for.

So, I've left DB a message saying I feel a bit uncomfortable about the Hannukah stuff and maybe it's best if I don't come and that I'd like to discuss it with him; he hasn't called me back yet. Am I being reasonable in not wanting to go or should I just suck it up and go?

Can't you just go for a few hours. How long will you have to drive for before you get there?

It'll be at least an hour to get there and then same again back, although they live near a football stadium and I'm wondering if a Boxing Day match will be on, if so, traffic will be horrendous ... We would only be going for a few hours anyway as it just won't be comfortable to stay more than that due to lack of space and comfy seating. I was just looking forward to a relaxing Boxing Day and this won't be relaxing.

GIven the circumstances I don't think it is appropriate for SIL to have her family there as well. YOu obv need time to mend bridges and "bond" again, and it sounds like it will be cramped.
Is your SIL always this domineering?
Why don't you want to celebrate Hannukah though? I would love that, that is prob the one thing that would make me go, but I am nosy and very green about things.

chanukah stuff is NOT a big deal

you light a Candelabra and eat donuts - they may say up to 2 prayers in hebrew and that is it

there is an exchange of small gifts

you shoudl go - it isn't worth causing upset over is it?

it is Boxing Day not Xmas day so perhaps just go along

SIL is just very precious about certain things (you should have seen the wedding hoo-hah )

I don't want to celebrate Hannukah because most forms of religious practice makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm a non-believer and feel it would be hypocritical to celebrate. TBH, I might be more interested in them celebrating a Jewish tradition if it didn't take place on any other day.

I just feel that as my DB compromises on Christmas Day EVERY year, he should get one day that is with his family and not taken over by hers, but then that is probably not my business

How old is your DD?

Two hours in the car to sit in a crowded, cramped flat doesn't sound appealing with a small child, I must admit.

But you did accept the invitation, so it's going to be hard to bow out of it graciously without it looking like you don't like your SIL's family or are being difficult about Hanukah.

Hmmm. I think if I were in your situation I'd let the football match be the decider. There's (very approximately) a 50% likelihood that there will be a match on in the stadium. If there is, then you can just say that the traffic has put you off. If there's not, then you have to go

Eating donuts would prob sway me.

Ahem, Christmas is religious?

I do completely see your point, you were expecting one thing then SIL as taken over.
Perhaps invite them all to yours saying it would be better for your DD?

I think it will cause more problems not to go now
why don't you invite your parents and brother and sil over to yours at New year?

By all, I meant DB/SIL and your parents.
Sorry for typos

c'mon - think of the donuts

it isn't a major festival - certainly not on a par with New Year or the Day of Atonement

i think Lizzy may have the answer in inviting them to your house

DD is 3. So yes, journey won't be that fun for her.

I appreciate that Christmas is religious, and I celebrate it because I was brought up to, but I don't go to church or celebrate in any religious way, never have done. My parents are atheists and we never went to church. So I 'celebrate' Christmas as a chance to be with loved ones, have time off work for family time, reflect on the year and feel thankful, and give presents and eat great food.

Well she definitely can't invite them to her house if her SIL has already planned a party and invited other people. That would be really rude.

I didn't realise there were doughnuts. But on the other hand, I wouldn't drive an hour just for doughnuts.

Flip the football coin! It's the only way

tbh , no matter how much you want to you cannot decide to take the high ground on behalf of your brother - its up to him to decide what hes happy with go if you want o dont if you dont....

sometimes in life we just have to grit our teeth and get on with it

just think of your dd seeing her grandparents

my kids have to travel 6 hours to see theirs, yes the journey is a pain in the you-know-what but if we don't make the effort then they wouldn't have a relationship with their grandparents

sometimes you just have to accept that people make crap decisons about family events but you have to not make waves and make the best of it

Skidoodle is right - I can't invite half the party to mine instead and leave out the rest!

I already have plans to see DB and SIL at ours a few days later for non-Christmas related reasons. It is more difficult with my parents - not sure my father would come if I invited him here, we're taking baby steps in reconciling.

Donuts are a win but the football match is a big concern - just looked and there is one on, and it starts at 1pm. Which just so happens to be the time DB has invited us over for ...

TBH, the whole thing just feels like a hassle rather than fun now. We are having DH's family over for Christmas day, so will spend the day cooking for that, and then on Boxing Day will have to say good-bye to MIL and BIL who'll have stayed over, then hop in the car to drive to DB's, and prepare something to take as SIL now wants us all to bring a dish (as if we don't have enough cooking to do on Christmas Day, grumble grumble).

I said invite them over to yours at New year not Boxing Day!!

so you go along to the Boxing Day thing that you have already decided you won't enjoy
while you are there you invite your parents round to yours at a later date so they can spend quality time with your dd

if you don't go you can't start improving on your relationship with them for your dd's sake as well as yours

So SIL has already invited her family over?(thought she was just planning to, sorry)
I think you just have to go with it and plan something else, something calmer.
It may be easier anyway, the situation with your parents with more people around and also donuts (am donut obsessed)

Your brother does need to "grow a pair" and stand up to his wife a bit though. Perhaps she invited her family as backup because she was worried about situation with your parents etc, didn't want friction?

Why exactly do you and your Mother have to bring a dish. Surely the hosts could provide all the food especially considering they aren't cooking their own food the day before.

I do think YAbitU with the whole Hannukah thing though. I don'tthink its that big a deal really. Although I don't think YANBU that your SIL has invited all her family round too, but then there is not much you can do about that really

Yes, Lizzylou, SIL has already invited her parents. When I got the invite they hadn't been invited and there was no plan to. It was going to be DB, SIL, my parents, me, DH and DD having a lunch round the table that DB and SIL would have prepared.

I said yes to the invite, but now SIL has invited her parents and brother so there is no room to sit round the table and we all have to bring a dish for a buffet . Would not mind bringing a dish normally, but do at Christmas when I'll be providing a full Christmas lunch then evening buffet of leftovers myself the day before - was looking forward to having a day of being entertained by someone else. Have invited DB and SIL for Christmas but they always turn down invite as they celebrate her birthday instead.

I honestly don't think SIL is having her parents round as back-up because of awkwardness in my family - there is no awkwardness when we're all together and we've been all together several times this year with no problems. Apparently it's because she doesn't get much of a chance to celebrate Hanukkah or see her parents, although I find that odd as she sees them with all her other Jewish relatives on Christmas Day.

I didn't realise that there wasn't that much to Hanukkah, and the donuts are a draw.

I think we'll go, but am now concerned about football traffic so will say we'll get there for 2pm to allow traffic to calm down a bit.

Gawd it sounds dreary to the core.

I would cry off personally but your family history does sound rather 'touchy' so I am guessing this might cause ructions; however to be totally frank I think I'd pay good money not to go. The best bit sounds to me to be the Hannukah bit but I know that's not what you want to do!!!

I think it's not such a big deal. Just prepare a dish in advance and freeze it. Enjoy Christmas day at your house and look at this as an opportunity to enjoy other traditions and see your family. An hours drive each way is not that far. You will have a few hours with family and then go. I don't see what the problem is apart from the football match and you will just have to factor in twenty minutes or so extra for the football traffic.

I'm with Byng, sounds awful really.

@ having to bring your own food.

Actually that would probably swing it for me. Expecting your supposed guests to bring their own food is not very welcoming. You really can't be expected to still go to the party under the new self-catering regime.

Weigh it up:

Positives: see your Dad, doughnuts

Negatives: crowded flat, people who annoy you, 2 hours in the car, possible traffic jam, have to cook

I'm sticking with my original football advice. There's a match on. That means stay home.

But if you think it is better to go then you are being very, very reasonable. Maybe TOO reasonable

blimey it's not bringing your own food, it's just contributing by bringing one dish

Thanks, guys, I've decided to stop being a grouch and go. We will have a lovely Christmas Day at our home with DH's family so will still get a great day. And boxing day should be fun once we are there - sure reality will be better than the theory of it! What has really swayed me is putting my child's interests before my own. DD who, bless her, is always more interested in seeing people and having 'big family dinners' than presents will be so delighted to have so many relatives together in one go, and it's a chance to see my Dad (who she adores) that she might not get otherwise. DD also knows SIL's family from the wedding and a previous get-together. She likes them and they make a big fuss of her as they don't have any grandkids of their own. So DD will have a ball, and although it won't be the most comfortable gathering we don't have to stay too long, only the afternoon.

Turn up late... 'the traffic was a nightmare darling'.

Leave early with feigned illness... headache or something.