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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Well am I?

28 replies

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 09/12/2008 09:25

I usually pick up my best friend's dd up on a Tuesday and Wednesday from shool and have her for a couple of hours until her mum gets back from work. I love them both dearly and don't usually mind doing this as it saves her money on afterschool club. However this week I know her dp is off work to paint the hall. She hadn't said anything re the pick up etc so after a nightmare night with ds1 barking like a seal and ds2 (baby) with a high temp I rang her asking her if am I right in assuming that her dp is picking up her dd but she said she wanted me to carry on a usual so her dp can get on with the painting. I said I was sorry but I was exhausted had a bad night, kids ill, don't want to pass anything on etc. I said that I don't mind doing it when they are both at work but really feel too tired to do it this evening when I knew her dp was at home. She was ok about it but a bit sulky (I've known her for 20 years so can tell) now i'm feeling guilty like i've let her down. It has also got harder lately anyay as now ds1 is 3 he misses his sister during the day and when both girls are here he gets left out cue sreaming which I could do without today. I am being unreasonable not collecting her and having her today?

OP posts:
TeriHatchetJob · 09/12/2008 09:27

No, you are definitely not.

The woman is taking advantage of you.

Be firm and just say you can't do it this time.

Original poster
LedodgyChristmasjumper · 09/12/2008 09:29

Ty Tei .She's not taking advantage of me though she isn't like that and she does take my dd to school 3 times a week albeit in the car and it's on her way but she does return the favour in this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
LedodgyChristmasjumper · 09/12/2008 09:29

*teri even damn this dodgy keyboard!

OP posts:
Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 09/12/2008 09:29

You are doing her a favour to save her money - how grateful is she - flowers, chocs?

Yanbu to ever have her again - you have done enough and you do not have to explain yourself

jeangenie · 09/12/2008 09:30

nah - she is lucky to have you. I'd chop off my right arm for a friend like you. Her DP should be coming round to paint your house next

Itsjustsorandom · 09/12/2008 09:30

yanbu - what a cheek to just assume you'll still have her child after school when her dp is at home - why isn't her dp collecting both kids from school so you can have a break from going to get them????? Would stop this arrangement.

Original poster
LedodgyChristmasjumper · 09/12/2008 09:31

I honestly don't want people thinking bad of her as I said she does take my dd to school and she is very kind usually and will do anything for anyone hence me feeling guilty. I was just a bit put out she seemed off with me this morning.

OP posts:
AndATigerschickInAPearTree · 09/12/2008 09:33

It doesn't sound like anyone is taking advantage of anyone else ... and if you are happy with the arrangement then keep doing it.

However, I think that this is not a 'normal' situation ... not only do you have 2 poorly children, her DP is available to pick her DD up so why would she need you to? (How big is their hall? We painted ours in an afternoon!) How would she cope if your household was struck down with a gastric bug, or chicken pox?

YANBU to refuse to pick her up today but I wouldn't end the arrangement altogether over it.

Well, that's just MVHO

Tortington · 09/12/2008 09:34

yanbu

Nemostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 09/12/2008 09:35

i think if her dp was at home then I would also assume I wasnt picking up. So no YANBU

FaLaLa · 09/12/2008 09:35

No deffo not.

Friend should know better and should not be sulking and making you feel bad.

Itsjustsorandom · 09/12/2008 09:36

But you're at home with a sick kid & a baby & her dp is at HOME ....when he should be picking up your child and bringing her back for you. The very fact that your friend doesn't think of this shows that she thinks you're just a service she uses not a person.

Ronaldinhio · 09/12/2008 09:39

don't sweat it

yanbu

she's a mate and probably was a lettle put out by the change of plans but her next thought was probably "mmm, welsh cakes with coffee" "meh"

t'will be fine and you did the right thing better to say something than be knackered and resentful. You sound like a good mate

Itsjustsorandom · 09/12/2008 09:41

It's also to do with respect for you. If she respects you she'll understand. Saying no sometimes will help her realise this.

silentnightplease · 09/12/2008 09:42

Agree with most - YANBU.

You are doing her a favour EVERY week and saving her money.

One of my friends collects DD from school once a week for the very same reason and if DH or I are off, we will always collect DD AND offer to collect her DCs to try and return the favour. I am really grateful to her but if she says she can't manage it one week, I fully accept that, especially if she's had a rough week.

Friends helping each other out is a huge help but as soon as you take the piss you have ruined it.

LoolaBoys · 09/12/2008 09:46

YANBU at all. I have a friend who picks up my children one day a week for me while I'm at work, if ever my DH can finish work early and collect the children he will. I am so grateful to my friend for this, and would never take advantage in this way.

NewKnickersFromSantaOnMaHead · 09/12/2008 09:57

Nope, yanbu. Everyone has a sulk now and then. Wont take her long to get over it. Dont feel guilty though.

Gorionine · 09/12/2008 10:59

Yanbu.
Lauriefairy do you always expect people you do a favour to to give you flowers or chocs?

DaisySparkle · 09/12/2008 11:16

YANBU
You have a good agreement going but if you can't do it you can't. You had a bad night and poorly kids - a bset froend should be bringing you dinner not expecting you to have her kids when a parent is available.

DaisySparkle · 09/12/2008 11:17
  • best friend. Sorry typing with baby on knee!
MincePirate · 09/12/2008 11:20

i guess you said what you had to say, and no yanbu. It's not great feeling someone is in a mood with you, but i am sure she'll get over it.

Merrylegs · 09/12/2008 11:21

Please don't feel guilty. She is only put out because her DP has taken time off work to paint.

Second part of your dilemma rings true (extra child sometimes upsets the status quo).

I had similar with a v good friend - she had my DS every Tuesday after school, but life got in the way - her DS (slightly older) started to go to more after school activities, wanted other friends round. It was just too rigid an arrangement. What had worked brilliantly for a while was changing.

Friend said to me "I am tying myself in knots trying to please everybody."

I wanted a happy friend and happy kids so I made other arrangements.

It was absolutely fine. We are still friends. Kids are still friends.

There is an after school club. It will be OK.

Situations change.

WifeandMotherof4 · 09/12/2008 11:22

yanbu, she is being inconsiderate.

thenewme · 09/12/2008 11:23

Does she take your child as you can't or so she feels she can have you pick up her child?

MmeHereWeGoAWassailLindt · 09/12/2008 11:23

YANBU

She sounds like a petulant teenager