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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with taking food for DS (now aged 2) to MILs everytime we visit?

37 replies

kwaker5 · 08/12/2008 14:46

MIL/FIL and SIL (who lives with them) don't seem to cook. Whenever we go and stay for the weekend, we always get ham sandwiches and takeaway fish and chips. Last time we went, I only took one 'meal' for DS with me for the evening we were arriving and assumed we might be able to eat together after that. I also thought she would probably at the very least have a tin of baked beans somewhere (doesn't everyone?), but he ended up having crumpets/cheese on toast every meal!

I don't know what they must live off when we are not there. The cupboard is just full of cakes and biscuits.

I'm not precious about what he eats but just think it would be nice for us to eat together for a change. The meal I almost always take with me is pasta with leftover bolognese sauce because it is so easy to prepare! Now all I seem to get from MIL is comments that all he eats is pasta and how his cousins are also really 'fussy'.

We are going there for Christmas and did ask whether we could have Christmas lunch a bit later (after his nap) or even at 5pm (when they normally eat dinner), which was met with a 'no'. There will only be me, DH, MIL, SIL and FIL, so not as though there are loads of rellies to accomodate. The thing is, he will be getting really grumpy by 1.30 if I try and keep him going, plus usually eats at 12/12.30 but if he snacks too much to keep himself going until 1.30, he will just refuse lunch becaue he is tired or not hungry, and then the comments about fussy eating will start.

Does anyone else have the same problem? Maybe I am BU in some respects but really just need to vent somewhere!

OP posts:
thenewme · 08/12/2008 14:49

Why did you not buy something from the shops? Surely he didn't have to have crumpets at every meal? Maybe ask them what they do for meals? Stay at home for Christmas?

claw3 · 08/12/2008 14:51

How old is DS?

juuule · 08/12/2008 14:52

YAB a bit U.

Just take your own stuff.
If he needs to eat a 12:30, feed him.
If he then doesn't want to eat much at lunch, remind people he's already had his. Let him just have the dessert or a biscuit.

Not sure what's wrong with cheese on toast/crumpets unless you are there all day, every day.

StephanieByng · 08/12/2008 14:53

I must admit when DS was two we had christmas lunch during his nap as it was a helluva lot easier to cook/eat it without having a rambunctious toddler to look after as well. Luckily for us he had two hours nap each day! So I wouldn't mind too much about whether DS was involved or not personally; at this age christmas dinner won't mean much to him anyway so it's not worth desperately trying to keep him in a state where he's ready to eat at a certain time etc.

However I do think them not having any actual food in sounds really bizarre. I would tell them WHY you bring the same stuff! Why not tell them? They felt free to tell you their opinions about his eating.

Original poster
kwaker5 · 08/12/2008 14:55

DS is 2.
Couldn't get to the shops (no transport) and thought it might be a bit odd to shop when staying at someone else's house?
It was only 2 days so he had crumpets for lunch twice and cheese/ham bread/toast for tea twice. Honestly, they have nothing in their cupboards. I think they must live off ready meals/takeaways (not sure!).

Christmas should be better because there might be more food in? I may as well just pack a couple of tins of beans and ravioli hadn't I?

OP posts:
LIZS · 08/12/2008 14:55

can he not eat part of your fish and chips or ham sandwich ? I'd just keep a portion of Christmas dinner warm in the oven to eat later if he needs to nap and eat with the fmaily yourself. If you manage to coincide great if not does it really matter? He'll probably be too excited to nap much anyway and too young to feel left out.

Original poster
kwaker5 · 08/12/2008 14:58

SB, have explained about the pasta twice. I should just ask them WTF they eat!

Always feels a bit odd when it's not your parents and DH never rocks the boat!

OP posts:
FattipuffsandThinnifers · 08/12/2008 15:23

Think YAB a bit U. It's not really up to you what they eat normally is it. If you don't want him eating what they give him then take your own and deal with the comments - or explain why.

And can't you just give him lunch earlier on Christmas Day if 1.30's too late for him. It's a bit much for you to demand everyone else changes when they eat just to accommodate one small child.

MadMarg · 08/12/2008 15:31

YABU about Christmas lunch - it's not their fault you have a fairly rigid schedule for yoru child. As to not having food in their cupboard, it's not that hard to buy some jars of food in the baby section of the supermarket. Accept that your inlaws are a bit odd with food, and get on with it. Just be grateful your DS doesn't have a food allergy. My niece is a coeliac and so my sister has to bring food for her wherever she goes, no matter what.

See, this is why I'm so glad I never stuck to such a rigid schedule with my DS. Some days he will get fed at 11.30 am, other times between 12 and 1. Occasionally, he doesn't get lunch until 1.30 - 2.00, I just give him a little snack to keep him going.

As a result he is usually very flexible and easy going.

alicet · 08/12/2008 20:27

I'm going to go against the grain a bit and say I think it is a bit wierd that pils wouldn't adjust the time of Christmas dinner in order that all the family can eat together unless it would matter to someone else. If I was the op's pils I would much rather adjust the timing of my meal so I could enjoy it with my 2 year old grandson than be beligerant about the timing.

As far as them not having any food in again I think this is a bit strange but this is up to them - if I was you I would just take food everytime and then try not to stress about it

Milliways · 08/12/2008 20:31

Invite them to yours and they can see him eating with you?

santasinmywaistband · 08/12/2008 20:37

I would let ds nap at normal time, feed him a quick lunch at his normal time, then heat p a plate of xmas dinner for him at tea time. For one day he can have something different and you get a relaxed meal( won't have a chance next year)

My PIL never sem to have much in either and Have found out as MIL tends to have portions made up in the freezer they defrost as required as both shift work and rarely eat together.
I have accepted that DC will not have a big chioce when we go and always keep a tin of beans in my bag, and fruit as they never have any.

We have been invited to christmas lunch this year first time in 16 years so am waiting in anticipation as to what we will get. MIL has already said if it wasn't so expensive we would be going out to eat.

I love my PIL, they are fun friendly and great with the DC. If my plans don't fit in with theirs so what, Its their life.

MaryBeWaiting · 08/12/2008 20:40

If they normally eat dinner at 5, I can't see why they can't do that for Christmas dinner. Its good to eat all together, even if he is only little! YANBU or maybe only a little bit...

kalo12 · 08/12/2008 20:40

0h god sounds awful and sounds like my in laws. i refuse to go point blank

thatwasfun · 08/12/2008 20:41

Why couldn't he have a ham sandwich and fish and chips like the rest of you?

Noon is way too early to expect people to eat their Christmas Dinner - normal people (those without kids) will have only just finished breakfast

Either let him have a small snack, make him wait (will be distracted from hunger by general Christmas goings on anyway surely?) or feed him and put him to bed so rest of you can have lunch while he sleeps.

amidaiwish · 08/12/2008 21:11

what is it that you are most bothered about?

  1. that he won't be involved in Christmas lunch
  • i would personally feed him when he needs to eat and let him sleep when he needs to sleep, if he is awake then let him join in and just pick at whatever he fancies, knowing he has already eaten well
  1. that they comment about him always eating pasta
  • simply say "he is a good eater. this is quick and easy to prepare here"
  1. that they don't have food in for you/him
  • my MIL is like this. I send food over for a meal for her, my DDs and dh when he takes them to visit, but we live close enough not to stay. I would just live with it, not ideal but you can cope i am sure.

Good luck, sounds like you're coping well!

thatwasfun · 08/12/2008 21:16
bozza · 08/12/2008 21:17

You can alter his food times to coincide with the rest of you. Snack at 11 then lunch at 1.30 - naptimes not so easily so decide what are your priorities.

I don't really understand the problem with the food thing. He is a 2yo. Why is he not eating the same as you, DH, MIL and FIL? Did you just eat cheese on crumpets all weekend?

Lazycow · 08/12/2008 21:22

ds slept through his first 3 christmas lunches an either ate something before or after his nap - can't remember now - I actually preferred it that way. Now he is 4 I assume he will be awake whatever time we eat and will sit down with us at least for part of the meal.

I do think it is odd they don't have much food in but if they don't I would bring something to for him to eat. tbh I'd also ask them if they wanted me to bring a meal (something you can prepare in advance and just put in the oven when you get there) . Why not make something in advance (shepherd pie or something that everyone can eat together for one meal.

ChairmumMiaow · 08/12/2008 21:30

I think YANBU to ask that they fit the dinner in with his naps if there aren't many of you. I could understand it if you insisted he have it just at his normal lunchtime, but it would be no fun (for me personally) if DS couldn't join in Xmas lunch, and even less fun if he was in a right mood because he wanted his nap. Its a day for family, so IMO its not at all unreasonable to want to organise it so all the family can join in and be in a good mood.

On the general food side, I always bring or buy food for DS when I go to MIL as she can't cook and wouldn't understand about not putting salt in stuff, so he eats when he needs to eat (which works because they do dinner late and he's asleep by 7 at the latest) I think on a normal day you just have to grin and bear it!

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 08/12/2008 21:35

NO WAY ARE YOU BEING UNREASONABLE - THEY ARE

If they invite you to their house they should bloody cook proper meals for you. Not leave you to feed your kid crumpets and pasta. OK you need to be more flexible on xmas day but only then, the other times they ought to be making an effort.

Why on earth do you go there. I stopped going to my in-laws when I realised that whilst I was pushing the boat out to feed, water and entertain them when they visited, they did absolutely nothing for us when we visited them.

Don't go there anymore.

Why don't you just do your own xmas the way you want it to be done.

wheresthehamster · 08/12/2008 21:42

Are they actually going to cook Christmas dinner or are they expecting you to bring your own? I'd find out in advance if I was you

ELMOchristmascountdown · 08/12/2008 21:56

i think yabu

you should feed ds at usual time. let him join for starter. then put him down for nap. and you can enjoy a peaceful dinner.

in my house we have xmas lunch.then if the bird needs more time then your not eating too late.

perhaps they want it at this time so it is during his nap. did you ever think of that. maybe they thought you would enjoy eating dinner in peace. and do you realise how early your mil would have to get up to make the turkey for 12. blooming early. that what.

and if she makes it for 5pm,,, chances are everyone has already filled up on sweets and dont eat as much of the blooming massive bird she's spent all morning cooking. plus you would be feeding ds. then rushing about getting fed quickly and tidied up so ds can get bath and bed. and what if turkey is late. ds and everyone will be put out by getting fed at 6-7pm.

pointydog · 08/12/2008 22:00

YANBU re Christmas. I had this problem when the dds were small and it peed me off. When they were very little, they wanted their meals at a regular time. Mil decided christmas dinner would be between 3 and 4, every one else adults, I knew I'd have two grumpy children on my hands who would just fill up on cake an dbiscuits offered by gps.

You vent away.

JFly · 08/12/2008 22:15

YANBU. I'm surprised so many have replied that YABU. Two-year-olds should be eating what the adults are eating, but surely it's OK to want them to eat something vaguely nutritious or at least involving a fruit or veg. Especially if you are there for a couple of days. There's nothing fussy about wanting something other than a ham sandwich or fish and chips.

As far as Christmas is concerned, it's a family meal during a family holiday, so you aren't asking too much to have a meal at a time when your DS can enjoy it. Saying that, I imagine you'll probably want to do his lunch and nap as normal (unless you find he's wound up with the festivities) and let him join you when he's up from his nap. You may end up doing that anyway, even if you try to plan around him. Or just play it by ear. Lunch might be late and he might not nap too long, etc, etc.