to be thinking of moving DS from his school because of the parents of children there?

[Kupugani]

OK am at risk of flaming on multiple points here (private education, judging people yaddayadda, I see it coming) but bear with me.

DS goes to private school because DH and I were both failed by the state system and we want better for him than we had.

He goes to a very small school at which it is a one class per year set up. We love the school.

The class he has joined has some parents in it who are very volatile. These people are quite brash with their cash, very flashy, typical Boyz Done Well with their WAGs IYSWIM. There have already been rows and bitchiness with some of the mums which resulted in two departures from the class by people either involved or put off by the events surrounding these arguments. I have kept well out of these arguments.

On Friday we parents' Christmas drinks - it was a whole school event in a public set up, so there were other companies there also having Christmas drinks too.

At one point in the evening, for reasons that I am not aware of, some of the dads in our year kicked off and started throwing punches at each other. I don't know what else happened because I left at this point.

Since then DH and I have been having conversations about how we feel about the school and whilst we are both seriously impressed with the school itself we are questioning whether we are happy for our child to stay in a class with all this unrest going on. Neither of us want him to go on playdates to houses where dad is happy to use his fists in an argument (note: this does NOT mean that we think that these guys would ever be violent in front of children, it's just that we're uncomfortable with their approach to things IYSWIM). Both of us feel that this and the previous rows that some of the parents have had have been rather crass and vulgar (I know that sounds horribly up our own arses but I don't know how else to phrase it).

DS is close friends with one of the boys whose parents are on the periphery of all this, in that they are very good mates with the main trouble makers but don't actually participate.

DS is 5.

So is taking him out an OTT response?

Update: well it seems that events were a little worse than I suspected in that this fight also included people who weren't at the school and that the police were called.

I went to see the headteacher about it who didn't really seem to want to know and anyway seemed to have a different (and more benign) version of events and I was told that nothing could be done by the school about it.

AIBU to think WTF? At the very least can't the Headteacher / Board of Governors even write to those concerned or even to all parents to remind us of our responsibility to uphold the reputation of the school, strong action will be taken if anything happens like this again etc etc?

LOL Onebat - would you be referring to my beautiful Essex? My Dc's are at a state school in the chavviest part of Essex and I've never seen or heard of parents brawling .......could be cos no-one's got a Dad of course

I have a friend who took his DC out of a school when it became apparent that a couple of the parents were "gangster types" and some of the children refused point blank to say what their fathers did...my friend felt that the cultural norms of the school were not nice.
He also said the head teacher seemd to be on a different planet and every time you raised an issue they would say "oh I don't think that's really the case" and refused to discuss it.
His DC was bullied and they swept it under the carpet too.
I think if a head teacher won't talk about things like this then maybe there are all sorts of things in the school going on that they are ignoring that might be not so nice.

I would move my DC if this had happened at one of our parent get togethers.

I know you don't want a state v private debate but personally I wouldn't want to spend what is probably a considerable amount of money in order for me/my children to effectively be exposed to the sort of stuff you expect to encounter in an inner-city failing school.... Call me judgemental but I doubt if these sort of people actually value a good education - more than they would like to boast about being able send there dcs to a private school...

I wouldn't want mny child to be at a school like that. The children he'll be mixing with will be picking up their values and bahaviour from their own parents.

I'd start looking around now with perhaps a view to moving your son at some point during the next year.

I agree with some other posts. I would not want my DS in a school where adults behave in this manner with or without money. Some council are not providing places for primary school children. So your choice is understandable. I want my lad to go to a very local state school but this might not happen. Look around and talk to as many people as possible before changing.

my dear thatwasfun, it's not the state schools you have to worry about

I wouldn't worry tbh.

It sounds like it might be a good idea to avoid mixing too much with the parents -

I do think, OP, that if they're not even acknowledging that the problem is a problem, you should be looking elsewhere. If I were you I'd be hanging around at home-time outside the gates of any local schools that you think might suit, both private and state.

It does sound as though you might live in an area where private schools are seen as a status symbol - in which case, seek out the shabby, low-key ones which don't attract those kind of parents, or better still, support your local state state school.

i work with lots of children and children will work well (or not) in whatever school they are placed in
yourself and your dh may have failed in a private school i think its the child itself

When you hand over your school fees what you're actually buying is choice.
It allows you to shop around and get the best fit for your kids and your family.
This is obviously not a fit for you.

Have a look at the potential outcomes of parenting styles!!

ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/hstein/adult.htm

[guilty]
I quite badly wish I hadn't look at that chart ...

You're right onebat, the parents round here who have a little money are far "worse" than the ones working hard as dinner ladies, care assistants, factory workers etc.

....but, one of the reasons people choose private ed is to avoid mixing with council house types?

please tell me it's not in saddleworth
and no, you're not unreasonable to think about taking your DS out, but just hang fire a bit and have a look around

I think you need to find an older type private school where the parents have been privately educated themselves not the new money types.
We found such a school which was fabulous but not academic enough, as it turns out though I think it would have been the better choice sometimes.
I have met some outrageous snobs and biatches at state school and tbh they have sod all to be snobby about.
Much more keeping up with the jones etc too at state.

Mine are currently in state school and in terms of education which is actually what you can measure I think they are getting as good if not better in the state school.
However in the 3 years they have been in state school I have noticed, a decline in general manners from the girls, I pul them up regularly which I never had to do, a lack of self discipline which again was never an issue before. It's lots of other things too like I get gossiped about in the plaground, if that happened at private school they at least had the good manners to do it behind my back, the groups of mums openly bitch about each other, have regular spats, things like showing off about holidays, tv's in DC's bedrooms, how much electronic shite the kids are getting for Christmas, you just never saw any of that at the private school.
Some children were very privilidged but the school ensured that they realised that too and had the good grace and class to keep it to themselves and not gloat.
I'm resigned to the state system now because I can't afford to put 3 maybe 4 through private at the moment, but if I could go back in time I would kept 2 children in the private school and not moved up north for DH's job.

KatieDD. Old money I come from old money just not a lot of it.

Quite a lot of the parents at DD's private school were asset rich, house paid for, battered old volvo because they were cash poor. The difference I found was in the manners and behaviour, something money can't buy and that is evident with the bunch of (failing due to running out of credit) social climbers at my DD's state school.
My observations, that is all.

How very bizarre. This is a real school? I wouldn't like my kids mixing with that sorry group, no sirree.

And it's not the headteacher's job to sort out fights amongst th eparents. I'm sure he has enough on his plate trying to improve the attainment of his pupils.

I would look around too. All schools are likely to have some families with lifestyles different to yours, and on the whole that really doesn't matter, because most people gravitate towards like minded people, and ignore those with different values. The trouble is with small schools with a social life attached to them is that the parents are going to be very important to your experience. If you opt out you risk your child's social life, which at this age is parent sponsored.

There is no way you are going to be able to influence or change this situation, unless the "troublemakers" move on. I would put your energy into finding somewhere new, with a view to moving your son at the beginning of next year. At his age he should settle quite easily as friendships are fairly fluid for the first few years of school.