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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disapointed with my mums attitude ?

36 replies

cheeryface · 06/12/2008 20:31

i have been in an unhappy relationship for a long time and i am also suffering anxiety and chronic sinusitis at the moment. on top of that my son has been ill 6 times in the last 3 months.

i dont see my mum that much even though she lives 15 mins away because shes always busy and also i love her but god she winds me up.

anyway today, she phones and bearing in mind i feel like i have been in hell for the past month with no one to talk to, i have a bit of a moan. as soon as i try to tell her about my troubles with dh , she says she doesnt want me to tell her, that she cant listen to any more doom and gloom because that will depress HER.

this is the case every time .

i feel like, if i cant talk to my own mother who the hell can i talk to ?

OP posts:
georgimama · 06/12/2008 20:32

Us.

Original poster
cheeryface · 06/12/2008 20:37

eh ?

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 06/12/2008 20:38

Has your mum got major problems?

DO you have a dh/dp you can confide in? Or a good friend?

georgimama's suggestion is good too!

It is rotten though to be told by your mum that she doen't want to know about your problems - a real kick in the guts.

Has she always been this way? There is some good advice on th estately homes threads.

georgimama · 06/12/2008 20:38

You can talk to us.

BouncingTinsel · 06/12/2008 20:38

She means you can talk to us

BouncingTinsel · 06/12/2008 20:39

Have you seen your gp about the anxiety? Maybe if you can get that sorted you will be able to handle the rest better?

Ronaldinhio · 06/12/2008 20:40

sometimes if things are hard it can be difficult to see how down you are and how all consuming that can become.
It could be that you have been a bit of a misery and maybe your mum doesn't want to hear it anymore. Perhaps she has problems of her own or different priorities right now.
If you have been in an unhappy relationship for a long time I'd guess that she heard everything about it over and over and perhaps you never take any advice or offers of help or solutions and therefore she thinks your moan is just a waste of her time now.

Can't you speak to a mate or tell us nutters?

TheProvincialLady · 06/12/2008 20:41

You can talk to us, ie MN, I think georgimama means!

There are two possibilities here. Either
a) Your mum is a miserable, selfish cow or
b) You have unloaded onto her just a bit too much recently and she can't take any more.

But it sounds more like a) TBH. In which case you will only depress yourself further by carrying on hoping that she will be a caring person and take an interest in your worries. It would be better for you to find other sources of support and comfort if you can. Sorry you are having a rough time

Original poster
cheeryface · 06/12/2008 20:52

she makes out like she really cares , in fact cares so much that she can't handle having to worry about me

have definately not off loaded too often. have said next to nothing, a couple of texts in a month, me telling her im ill, her replying she hopes i feel better.

have told her next to nothing about the state of things with dh. just little comments or remarks.
in june, dh was threatening to leave, it was a terrible time, i tried to broach the subject then, desperate to get it out and she said, oh im not getting involved and suchlike.

another time, i was having a bad day with ds tantruming and i was all stressed about it and she said 'oh i really need this, ive got enough of my own problems'

she does have problems but not really major ones, it always seems to be the same i.e how MY problems make HER feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheeryface · 06/12/2008 20:53

oh and thanx for saying i can talk to u lot

OP posts:
JumpingJingleBellsDizzy · 06/12/2008 21:00

Do you have any close friends in RL?

Does sound like your mum isn't up to listening for whatever reason? Has she always been like this?

Do you have a sister or brother?

JumpingJingleBellsDizzy · 06/12/2008 21:01

Ditto 'us' being here for you x

katch · 06/12/2008 21:02

It sounds like she has set roles for the two of you, and doesn't want to see you outside yours of cheery, reliable daughter (or whatever).

Over the years, I've listened to endless hours of trials and tribulations from my mum, but have endured several episodes of depression/stress/loneliness/general ishoos, and not felt able to offload, as she makes it clear (not necessarily in so many words, but by mouthing off some vague platitude that lets me know the subject is closed) that she doesn't want to know.

And she has often used the excuse that she doesn't want to get involved.

It's hurtful, but I now accept that's just how it is.

I hope you find some way of resolving things.

katch · 06/12/2008 21:04

I think Dizzy's comment of her not being up to it is very apt.

Original poster
cheeryface · 06/12/2008 21:04

i do have a couple of friends but i havent seen them for a while because i havent felt up to going out much other than the shopping and the school run.

OP posts:
SmallShips · 06/12/2008 21:05

I had the same problem last week with my Mum, had a few issues with DH, exhausted from looking after the DC on my (DH works away) she was supposed to have the DC for the night, but changed her mind at the last minute. Was having a text chat about my problems, 3 texts in she says "look do whatever, we all have shit to deal with and you are ruining my day". I was . We had a massive row and cleared the air, but we are still a bit touchy about it all.

My Mum is the same, i've decided to stop 'burdening' her with my problems. Just leads to fall outs.

Original poster
cheeryface · 06/12/2008 21:05

i have a brother, she goes on about him as if hes 14, actually hes 29.

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Original poster
cheeryface · 06/12/2008 21:08

smallships

it is a kick in the guts.

i know this is the response i get, and thats why i usually dont say. but now and again when im desperate it comes out and then i feel even worse.

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SmallShips · 06/12/2008 21:08

My mum does the same too! DB is a pampered prince!

prettybutterfly · 06/12/2008 21:14

Cheery, it sounds awful.

I'm sure yanbu.

I'd like to recommend that you go to the library and get out one or two self help books on dealing with toxic relatives/relationships and see what they advise. Also that you don't do anything hasty or in anger.

Do you have a nice auntie or mil you could chat to, in the meantime?

Have an un-hunny hug ()

prettybutterfly · 06/12/2008 21:16

Also, sort the sinusitis and anxiety on Monday - first thing! Horrible. See GP and get meds.
xPB

JumpingJingleBellsDizzy · 06/12/2008 21:28

Agree sort the anxiety, I don't like the sound of you avoiding friends. Get them round to yours. Try to get a double appointment with the dr if you can as you need to talk this all through.

at smallships mum, that's not nice at all.

Original poster
cheeryface · 06/12/2008 21:30

thanx everyone. i had a course of antibiotics first that didnt work and then another 2 week course that i am currently taking. it does seem to be improving slightly.

i also got citalopram, but i havent taken any yet as i didnt want to take both together.

i dont know whether its dh who is making me ill or the problem is the other way around! its been this way for so long.

i also cant tell which symptoms are sinus and which are anxiety and the way my head feels i have been imagining brain tumours and allsorts!

i am scared to take antidepressants but i will do, i want to be a new me

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TheSeriousSanta · 06/12/2008 21:32

My mum's the same - she only ever wants to hear my life is perfect and anything is abject failure.

I am an abject failure to her.

But thereagain, she has a very narrow idea of what perfect is. Hr idea of perfection is materialistic and egotistical (IMHO)

I don't feel like a failure. But I still don't like calling her. It's really all to do with her.

Original poster
cheeryface · 06/12/2008 21:36

at least im not the only one. somehow though i think i have been brainwashed into believing that we are a perfect close knit family when in fact i am just beginning to realise that actually im not close and unless im all positive and smiley im a totally day spoiler.

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