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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate moaners who don't know how lucky they are!

44 replies

debs40 · 05/12/2008 12:37

Here goes...

My parents both died before I was 30.

My brother has cerebral palsy as a result of avoidable dehydration when he was 10 months old.He lives with my stepfather (who married my mum a couple of years before she died when we were all grown up). Stepdad now has end stage renal failure and cancer.

Brother has to find somewhere to live. We live with our two kids 300 miles away.

My sister is a single parent whose son is 19 but she has been dominated by depression for years and years and years.This means she can't ever, not never, do anything to help anyone!It's official!

I've spent months and months battling two sets of social services to get my brother appropriate help and to arrange him being relocated to live near us in supported accomodation.

We will have to struggle to paint and carpet the place ourselves tomorrow with kids in tow as no one can help watch them. The place has to be furnished too etc etc.

Brother will now be our responsibility forever.....

Oh and husband is out of work on Christmas Eve.

Oh, oh and we can't afford to buy a house here.

Now, this is my rant! I've spent this week receiving moans from mums about their problems including 'which toddler group should I choose? I can't sleep at night deciding' (seriously) and 'my daughter said her daughter won't let her play' blah, blah, blah

FFS...!!

OP posts:

GooberKingWenceslas · 05/12/2008 12:39

I'm so sorry.
You have it very hard, I hope things soon improve for you.

loobeylou · 05/12/2008 12:46

debs - what a sad story, poor you. It is very sad that so many people are so self centred and simply don't count their blessings - health and family being more important than anything else.

Be strong and keep shouting about the help and support you/brother need - visit CAB if necessary, get Gp to write letters?

one practical tip - have you tried freecycle for the furniture bits you need - many people would rather wait for a genuine "need" to be posted and then be able to offer something that's needed to a good home, rather than just offer and give to the first person who replies, IYSWIM

deckthegirlandboywithholly · 05/12/2008 12:46

I'm so sorry for you.

I have no solutions to offer you, only hope that things will improve.

As for your dh losing his job at Christmas, well this is awful for you. My dh has been made redundant several times in the last few years (airline industry), but strangely has always ended up better off, and I don't just mean financially, but work satisfaction too. What I mean to say is, don't lose hope on the job front - you don't know what may turn up.

And for your brother, it is hard to be landed with all the responsibility for him. But if you can get him living nearer to you, at least you won't have the long distance thing to worry about.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit trite, but I am really hoping things turn out better for you soon, and am just trying to think of a slightly more positive angle for you.

I wish you well.

Oh yes, and you are quite within your rights to have a good old rant about it.

MadMarg · 05/12/2008 12:51

Sorry about your situation - things really do sound hard for you.

But aren't others allowed a bit of a rant if something comes up? It's like telling someone with a broken leg to not complain because the person in the other room has had his leg amputated.

Of course if they know how difficult things are for you, then it's a bit insensitive to have a rant in your direction about fairly inconsequential things - but we're all human.

scattyspice · 05/12/2008 12:52

Oh God - what a nightmare, poor you.

People will always find something to moan about though.

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 12:52

Thanks folks, it makes a difference just to have someone acknowledge that this is hard!

I'm just one of those types that learn to get on with stuff because I've never had a choice. I have a good shout and moan but battle on. I'm afraid I also seem to attract those moaning type who see me as a listening ear.

Apart from hubby, if I ranted at anyone else, they would greet me in stunned silence!

I appreciate your comments.

OP posts:

beforesunrise · 05/12/2008 12:55

i really am sorry to hear about your situation, it does sound terrible and i wish you all the strength you can muster over the next few weeks and months. i hope that with the new year things will start looking up for you and your family, esp that dh will find another job soon.

i think once your brother is settled near you you can start working on a routine and at least you won't have the awful uncertainty anymore- it'll still be hard of course but hopefully more manageable.

re the title of your post- i can totally understand how you get angry at other people who complain about seemingly trivial things, but please understand that it doesnt mean these people would not realize how silly their troubles are compared to yours and wouldnt be ready to extend their help and support to you. we all can get a little bit self-absorbed from time to time- but most people will rally around you.

i wish you lots of strength and luck

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 12:55

MadMarg.. having a broken leg is a problem..worrying about whether to go to one or two toddler groups a week is not

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ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch · 05/12/2008 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 13:03

beforesunrise - thanks for that.

Trouble is people don't rally around.

I have a group of friends here. We are all going out for a xmas meal tomorrow which I have organised.

They all know my situation.No one has offered to help by having the kids for even an hour while we paint .

I don't think this is a reflection of human nature in general but it might be a reflection of the snobby little town in which we live. I suppose that's what makes their whinging so grating!

I'm feeling like I can't face this do now but I don't want to be petulant. It's just that this sort of thing does set you apart from other people and it can be hard to re-connect with them (if that makes sense).

I suppose I'm just feeling bad tempered and run down. I never ask anything from people and it is always disappointing, when push comes to shove, to find no one offer support. But that's some folks and you can't change them!

OP posts:

MadMarg · 05/12/2008 13:03

Debs40 - in this day of competitive mothering??? You're kidding, right????!!!!

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 13:06

tee hee

OP posts:

arcticlemming · 05/12/2008 13:06

Where are you (roughly)?
What sort of furniture are you looking for?

Tortington · 05/12/2008 13:07

which area of the country do you live in?

you my sympathies btw - but i also think wow - what a downright GOOD person you are, i have the utmost admiration for you

AMumInScotland · 05/12/2008 13:07

It may be that people take your "not moaning" as a sign that you want to deal with things yourself and don't want them to try to help - you say there that you "never ask" but you wish they would offer. Trouble is they may be people who would be very happy to help out if asked, but would worry that offering might be taken as a suggestion that you can't cope.

pamelat · 05/12/2008 13:11

I feel for you and I am very impressed as you sound a real fighter (I don't mean that patronisingly).

I know what you mean about people being useless (not your words). I feel like life is fairly one sided amongst friends at the moment (with me being the giver) BUT I don't have your other problems (except that DH probably going to be made redundant for a second time in 12 months too) but I do believe people are entitled to moan about anything, it makes them feel better.

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 13:15

You are so kind. Thank you for your thoughts.

I'm just getting silly about this today. Hubby has gone for an interview but it is an hour and a half from where we live in Wiltshire so even if he gets it, we'll never see him.

I'm finishing a PhD. I'm getting way behind with the work as I'm always sorting stuff out. I need to get back to proper paid work too but I would have to travel to London realistically and as hubby's never around, who would be here for the kids?

I know what you mean about not asking for help. I suppose I've got used to not doing it and I find it hard. In fact, a counsellor once told me that my 'strength diminishes people' which I thought was a nice touch!

I will get a grip. I just wanted somewhere safe and anonymous to let it all out!!

There are a couple of voluntary agencies here who should be able to help with most of his furniture but thanks so much for advice/asking

OP posts:

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 13:23

I'm glad it's been picked up about you not asking for help because that stuck out for me when you said none of your friends had 'offered' to help; yes it would be nice if people offered but everyone has stuff to do, even if they're not in such a hard place as you, and often unless you ask, you won't get. I think you need to make a conscious decision to be assertive in ASKING for help!

If you take it all on your shoulders people will leave it there.

Same with social services; don't forget not to cope with too much, don't get overloaded, TELL them what you can and can't do to help. It is honourable and lovely that you see him as your responsibility but because of his needs the state also has a responsibility to him.

Good luck!

dilemma456 · 05/12/2008 13:27

Message withdrawn

pluckyyuletideducky · 05/12/2008 13:31

As everyone else has said, I offer my sincere sympathies to you and your family.

However, problems are relative, and you can't say that others shouldn't moan because their worries are trivial. I'll admit that I do lie awake worrying about which school to send my ds to. That may seem trivial to you, but it is important to me. It doesn't mean that I don't feel blessed or that I'm not grateful for all the good stuff in my life, and of course I realise that there are people with horrendous things to deal with.

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 13:33

I know what you mean but I suppose my experience is you ask and you don't get. Ultimately, no one else is really interested in helping (and they have no obligation to be) so why bother?

It somehow always feels like my fault. My fault for not asking for help even if there's no one to ask. My fault for just getting on with things. My fault for not crumbling and saying I won't help as my sister does.

What if, just what if, no one else is really interested in helping? What if I don't do it? The buck stops somewhere and if I hadn't fought and battled social services for a decent appropriate assessment of his needs and then again to ensure they act upon them, then he would be on the street.

He is mobile but has phsyical and learning disabilities but believe me social services were not interested in helping at all.

The truth is, for some people, there is no one else to pick up any pieces.

OP posts:

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 13:37

Pluckyyuletideducky- I agree. It is all relative and I'm as guilty as anyone else of getting caught in these issues on occasion.

I suppose I would just like to have the freedom to get bogged down in them and to put them in context by thinking how small they are compared to the problems of others.

It just feels like a luxury I haven't got.

So I suppose envy rather than hate would be a better description

OP posts:

pagwatch · 05/12/2008 13:38

Debs
don't know ifthis will help or not.

the truth is that you mostly have to fight for what you need. People do not step into help. I have had really great random acts of kindness from people but no one is going to help with long term dependents care etc.

However I do quite like that others moan.
It reminds me that just because shit happens does not mean that you are created by events - quite the opposite.

I am happier than my sister who endlessly goes on about how easy I have it when the truth is that she is single with grown up kids and does what she wants.

But she is miserable and always will be. Whereas I have tough stuff to deal with but, on a good day, I am happier than most.

Hope your luck swings a bit.

sazzerbear · 05/12/2008 13:41

Debs, you summed it up with the title of your post, I think some MNers have too much time on their hands (like wondering how people living in small houses cope!!) Good luck

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 13:43

Sounds like a similar attitude to my sister!

I know what you mean. I'm actually usually a bit mentally over optimistic even in the face of problems.

Just feeling a bit floored today and wishing I had lovely parents living round the corner, and grandparents for my boys and a sister etc etc.

These things pass!

OP posts:

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