Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to hate moaners who don't know how lucky they are!

44 replies

debs40 · 05/12/2008 12:37

Here goes...

My parents both died before I was 30.

My brother has cerebral palsy as a result of avoidable dehydration when he was 10 months old.He lives with my stepfather (who married my mum a couple of years before she died when we were all grown up). Stepdad now has end stage renal failure and cancer.

Brother has to find somewhere to live. We live with our two kids 300 miles away.

My sister is a single parent whose son is 19 but she has been dominated by depression for years and years and years.This means she can't ever, not never, do anything to help anyone!It's official!

I've spent months and months battling two sets of social services to get my brother appropriate help and to arrange him being relocated to live near us in supported accomodation.

We will have to struggle to paint and carpet the place ourselves tomorrow with kids in tow as no one can help watch them. The place has to be furnished too etc etc.

Brother will now be our responsibility forever.....

Oh and husband is out of work on Christmas Eve.

Oh, oh and we can't afford to buy a house here.

Now, this is my rant! I've spent this week receiving moans from mums about their problems including 'which toddler group should I choose? I can't sleep at night deciding' (seriously) and 'my daughter said her daughter won't let her play' blah, blah, blah

FFS...!!

OP posts:

BellsCarolsNSleighs · 05/12/2008 13:43

some people ( me included) about the small stuff.. because the big stuff is too big.. and nothing would change anyway. so a little moan does some good.

I will moan about waiting for a plumber ( small issue).. I won't moan about my daily battle of RL issues, the list would seriously go on and on and all huge stuff.

but I hear you and I empathise.. and we are all here for you to have a good moan and support in anyway we can.

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 05/12/2008 13:46

You are right of course. People moan about the most insignificant of things.

But then someone else made the point of saying that we all moan about what irritates us at the time. For us Brits, moaning is in our nature - it's a conversation opener! What better pastime than to engage in some mutual moaning and griping?

Ok, they don't have the problems you have to deal with and they may never have. But we can't all live our lives thinking about how lucky we are and how we shouldn't moan about trivial things. It's just not do-able.

And for the record, I also think you are a bloody brilliant person to do all of this for your brother. If karma exists, then you are surely due a huge dose of it!

sazzerbear · 05/12/2008 13:46

It is especially tough with no family around to help out occasionally, even the simplest things can be trying

bigTillyMint · 05/12/2008 13:51

Debs, feel for you if your friends do not offer to help out by having the kids....

I feel so lucky, living miles from my mother and PIL, but having a great circle of friends - we are always willing to help each other out. All of our families are miles away - maybe your friends have family nearby, so never realise that you might need help.

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 13:52

As I say, the post should be envy those moaners rather than hate..

I don't hate anyone. It's situations I hate.

What is that saying about all the people in the room leaving their 'life baggage' in one corner and then picking up a bag with no guarantee you were picking up your own? Would you do it and poitentially take away someone else's problems?

We don't know the truth of anyone's life really do we?

God, I'm coming over all deep and fanciful! Must be getting back to normal

OP posts:

Nappiesgalore · 05/12/2008 13:55

human nature innit. pyramid of needs an all that.
sorry to hear youre having such a tough time.

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 14:26

Pyramid of needs...Oooh, that's fancy psychological talk there. No need for that!

OP posts:

Nappiesgalore · 05/12/2008 18:07

theres always one isnt there, flashing their fancy pants islington sixth form education about...

MrsSeanBean · 05/12/2008 18:17

YANBU (but you knew that). Your story puts all the silly trivia into perspective. Good luck x

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 05/12/2008 18:17

Oh don't mind trivial seeming OP's

seriously

I probably am one of the unluckier (but definitely not unluckiest) ones with 2 sn kids and a Dh very ill again with depression

and you now what?

I want to listen to people if they are worried about things, no matter how minor they are in the whole scheme

just becuase I have no help doesn't change anyone elses worries

and having no house to own means we are not responsible for its upkeep

seriously

I mean, sad is sad; lonely is lonely; angry or scared are...... exactly

Source is quite often irrelevant

Somebodies son having dyslexia may be as much of an upset t them as mine having autism

Instead of feeling self pity all the time, I get a buzz out of helping tohers when I can no matter how 'trivial' their concerns

BTW my dh is possibly facing redundancy also so . AllI can tell you is that it has happened to us before and its rarely as awful as it seems; you will cope, no matter how daunting that seems now. Thoughts to you, and anyone else facing this right ow. It's easier for us- I can try to get work if it happens and whoever stays home gets carers allowance and / or the chance to study. Not same for everyone.

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 05/12/2008 18:21

BTW are you a member of the carers UK facebook site?

Can send you a link if you would find it helpful?

Makes me feel less 'alone' if you now what I mean?

needmorecoffee · 05/12/2008 18:23

what Peachy said. (although I do indulge in self pity too. I have MS and a dd with severe cerebral palsy) but I want my firends to tell me when they have probelms and like to help.
As for your brother...is he in supported accomodation? I do get worried my kids will be responsible for their sister when we pass away.

ScottishMummy · 05/12/2008 18:44

debs sorry to read about your hard times,blimey you have a lot on your plate

thing is all theses grumbles and stuff are relative to that person. maybe all they genuinely have to stress out about is who said what to lil Angel-Lumps at yummy mummy playgroup

in a cathartic way it is kind of funny.to think is that all that troubles you....

i do hope things look up for you

on a practical level have you had benefit check- are you getting full entitlements

can HA not attend to decorating the propertyt?

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 05/12/2008 19:02

entitled to is apparently good for checking benefits but benefits to carers are truly appalling. apparently we might have to face interviews too son to root out false claims- pmsl. I'll take my sn duo with me, they'll want me out of there sharpish

Is your stepdad getting help from Macmillan? they are pretty fab.

I worry a lot about what will happen to ds3 as an adult but will confess to being a bit in denial still (after years of being told he's ok and we're over reacting school admitted we were right and they cannot cope. he's off to a good sn school (at some point you know how these things move!) but we have yet to face up to the wider implications I think.

Ds1 will be sorted as an adit if thigs don't change; prison wil have space i am sure

have you thought about the sn threads (sorry if you have and I have forgotten- can I blame lack of sleep with sniffly baby?) its not just parents or kids.

2AdventSevenfoldShoes · 05/12/2008 19:04

peachy can you link that fb group

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 05/12/2008 19:12

here ye go m' dear

if it doesnt work will send you an invite

Original poster

debs40 · 05/12/2008 21:05

Thnaks folks. We're not on benefit but thanks for the advice on that.

I want to get one thing straight. I'm not saying people aren't entitled to grumble. And for friends I will listen.

My point was I envy people whose problems are 'trivial' in the scheme of things no matter how serious they are to them.

The fact is though, there are a lot of people out there who don't know how lucky they are and actually don't care because they like their own problems best.

Sorry but I've had two middle class mums in the last couple of days go on to me about their crappy little issues when they know full well what I'm dealing with.

I suppose then it is more about tact.

I wouldn't go up to someone with a terrible illness and moan about my problems.

I don't expect someone to do likewise to me iykwim!

OP posts:

needmorecoffee · 06/12/2008 07:38

its natural to envy peple who's lives seem easier. I reckon I envy you that its your brother with CP and not your child. But you have to attempt to be thankful for what you do have. I popped to the ATM when dd was having her op yesterday (feeding tube fitted) and was all distressed and woe is me and there was a homeless couple sat just out of the rain and it was buggery cold. So I stopped to chat. They were living on the street and one had been thrown out and the other abused by her stepdad. I have a house to go to and use of a car. I'm bloody lucky. I have food.
You have to think about what you do have. So today I am grateful that dd lived through the op. Course I'm still envious of those with non-disabled children but why focus on it?
I vent but I'd rather dd was here with all her problems than dead.

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 06/12/2008 10:37

NMC speaks sense.

I think I understand what you're saying Debs and I remember when I was first dealing with all the mire of problems that come with the dx / taking repsonsibility I probably felt the same too. As time wears on though, I try and reserve that anger / envy / whatever for the Sn boards and similar. In RL I am realising that I have to immerse myself in the trivia to be able to participate. I don't want to: when my friend is worrying about her son not being allowed to play with X I ant to shout I wish my ds3 could bloody play with that, but no he's currently toy sharing with the baby!' but I cannot. Why should they remain friends with me if I do that? I have to value their concerns too, even if internally a voice is yelling 'FFS you stupid woman, get some perspective!'.

It's also true that we know very little of someones RL situation. Obv. people at school know about the ds's issues but I'm not going to let on about dh's depression to anyone. How would I bring that up in conversation? 'hello D nice to see you, here's the minutes from the meeting, did you want me to order that hook the duck? OK then. BTW did you know every time Dh leaves the house I have a panic attack after the time he tried to kill himself on the way t work when I thought all was OK? No? well it was a few years ago but its still the same now for me even though he thinks I am silly and he's on AD's to help it'

Do you aprticipate in any carer groups or anything like that? do find the only time I can really relax and be myself in a RL place is at a SN group my boys attend, where nobody will real in shock and everyone has experienced DLA, SS battlesd etc etc. Where everyone has that warped black SOH that we seem to all develop. One hour a week and that keeps me sane.

Flip

1 2