Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DM v DH, Christmas lunch.

37 replies

WifeandMotherof4 · 05/12/2008 10:26

We have a little financial difficulty, potentially, looming and so my DM has offered to buy Christmas food. This means DH, who cooks it (he loves it) will not be let loose in an extortionate butchers and organic vegetable shop!! This also means not having stupid amounts of three differnt meats, three/four puddings and too much cheese and pate!!
I have always loved chicken and not liked turkey for our lunch, a habit from my childhood, and DH has had his own way ans we've had turkey.
This year my DM wants to buy chicken as it's mine and my DF's favourite, but DH and his parents like turkey.
As my DM is buying everything to save us money, and she's not been here for two Christmasses (sp?), I think it's reasonable for her to buy what she likes and us be grateful....afterall if she lived here we'd go to her house!!
Am I unreasonable to think that DH is ungrateful and his parents (who have never contributed to anything) and him should be thankful that my DM is bothering at all.

Other issues: My DM feels my DH is controlling and so is insisting that I choose what I want as my DH always gets his own way.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 05/12/2008 10:31

I think that your MUm is being very kind in offering to do the food.

I also think that as you have had your dh's choice in christmas dinner for the last however long that it wouldn't hurt him in the slightest to have chicken for a change.

I would stick with your plan, dm to buy the food and dh to put up with it

TheButterflyEffect · 05/12/2008 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AMumInScotland · 05/12/2008 10:52

It's tricky if she's going to buy the food but he's still going to be the one cooking it. Would she mind giving you vouchers towards the food instead and allowing DH to choose the ingredients?

The issue of your DH being controlling and you never having your say is a different question, and one which I think you need to deal with, but I'm not sure Christmas dinner in fraught circumstances will be a very good way of addressing it.

thisisyesterday · 05/12/2008 10:57

coiuld you and your mum do the cooking as well>

ilovetochatupsanta · 05/12/2008 11:01

sounds a bit like your dm is trying to control everything, it's kind to offer to contribute but she shouldn't dictate the ingredients when your dh is cooking.

lilacclaire · 05/12/2008 11:53

Hmm, I think you dh should have a say in the ingredients etc, after all it is his christmas dinner as well.
Could your mother not buy what she is buying and your dh can top it up with the things he wants?

Lowfat · 05/12/2008 12:00

Can you afford anything? If so let DH free with whatever you can afford as his contribution to the day.

And the rest is all from your mum - I wish my mum was still alive and spoiling us this year

Tell DH to be grateful I

Jux · 05/12/2008 12:19

I think it is extremely generous of your mum to buy your food for you. I also think it is entirely reasonable that she should want to buy what you want. Is it reasonable for you to let her, when your dh is cooking and you know he doesn't want it? Not really.

Can you not have a conversation with your dh and point out that for the last x years you have had turkey which you don't like, and ask him if you couldn't have something you like this year? Can you not compromise?

If he won't let you have one Xmas lunch that you will actually enjoy then I think you might have to have a conversation with him about how your relationship actually works.

MadMarg · 05/12/2008 12:29

Good lord, woman, stand up for yourself!!! First you give in constantly to your DH and have turkey because that's what he likes, now your DM is deciding what you'll have for Christmas because she's buying it, even though its at YOUR house. While it's nice that she's thinking about what you like, what about you?????!!!! Stand up and be counted for heaven's sakes. If you like chicken, you should have some flaming chicken and should have had it before!!!!

Think about what everyone would like and come to a compromise, so that everyone gets something they like, INCLUDING YOU!!!!

jumpingbeans · 05/12/2008 12:34

If i were helping out either of my children by buying xmas food to eat at their house, I would just give them the money and let them get what they wanted, if i wanted anything over and above that, i would take it along.

TheProvincialLady · 05/12/2008 12:40

I agree with MadMarg. Why does it have to be either a 10 course turkey fest a la DH, or your mum's chicken menu? As your mum is offering to pay, you will naturally want to keep the amount of money spent fairly reasonable, but it is not really for her to dictate the menu. Have chicken and one other meat maybe? Anyway, don't let your DH dictate OR your DM come between you and your DH.

onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 05/12/2008 12:43

dm pays for chicken meal
dh/you pay for extras eg organic veg

is dh controlling? what do you htink?

onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 05/12/2008 12:44

when I say chicken meal I don't mean Kentucky fried specifically. Though it would certianly ring the changes.

TheProvincialLady · 05/12/2008 12:48

LOL onebat I bet they do a cranberry dip at this time of year.

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 12:56

Agree with MadMarg as well - I can see why your mum is being 'awkward' to make a point to your controlling DH but all it's actually doing is putting you in the middle.

If you can't all chat together and compromise I would just withdraw and let your mum talk to your DH about it.

MollyCherry · 05/12/2008 14:57

Sounds a bit like the kind of aggro I get between my DH & DM - best of luck!!!

Don't know how you & DH would feel about it, but we're doing chicken and gammon this year, and will put out some cheese & pate for people to help themselves to for supper.

My DH is a chef but thankfully knows that at home his place is well and truly out of MY kitchen !!!

rookiemater · 05/12/2008 15:05

It's ONE meal for goodness sake and at the end of the day turkey and chicken don't taste that much different ( am going to get slated for that I'm sure). I can't understand how people can get so excited over what roast bird to have. FWIW I'm with your DH, turkey is for christmas day, chicken is much cheaper so why not have that on boxing day, or to save the aggro have a small one of each.

pamelat · 05/12/2008 15:10

I think its up to your mum and that its a lovely offer.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 05/12/2008 15:20

We usually have christmas lunch at my sister's and have not had turkey for years.

We stay at my mums over christmas (just go to sis for the day) and she usually buys a small turkey which we eat on another day.

Everyone is happy!

MadMarg · 06/12/2008 13:45

Oh, by the way, I remember reading a trick about making a small turkey stretch to extra people, you can get a couple of chicken breasts, put small slits into the turkey and squish in the chicken breasts, and put the skin together with skewers. (Never tried this myself, remember reading it in a Christmas book and thought it was clever.)

A way of having chicken and turkey?

Original poster

WifeandMotherof4 · 07/12/2008 11:57

Oh, thanks for the responses. between my DM and DH I haven't had time to respond myself. DM is now not coming for christmas.... she was too pissed off with Dh when he failed to tax the car (when I had my baby and haven't driven since the beginning of November)and we got clamped and £100 fine and then asked me to take his points when he got caught speeding.
I think I have had five days without crying since my baby was born....ffs.

OP posts:

hatwoman · 07/12/2008 12:09

let your dm do whatever (ie get the chicken) and you/dh could buy a small turkey crown. (or maybe, if you feel able, suggest to your mum to get the turkey crown). we have a difference of first choice in our house over meat and have bought a crown to satisfy the turkey fans.

just seen your last post. does sound a bit like your mum is fed up of the way your dh treats you and is acting a bit on your behalf - standing up to him by proxy. It would probably be good for everyone if you could make your mum feel she doesn;t need to do this - not be telling her to back off, but by talking to your dh and getting him to understand you're in a partnership.

theramones · 07/12/2008 12:14

Can I ask, are you and your husband open and honest with each other about money, or do you hide financial woes from him to avoid confrontation?In this financial climate, then the majority of us will have to draw in our horns and spend more wisely, this while uncomfortable in the short term for all must bring better future security. It sounds to me as if he is being a big baby and that ONE BLEEDING MEAL is more important than his wife and 4 kids, its about time he grew up really isn't it.
I hope you didn't take his points for him, you will only get caught out and you will both be in big trouble.

compo · 07/12/2008 12:20

I don't agree it's up to your mum at all.

She has very kindly offered to buy the food.

So she should just give you cash and let you buy what you want to with it.

It is still you that is hosting xmas dinner.

And if your dh is cooking it he should have a say.

compo · 07/12/2008 12:21

hang on, so your mum isn't even coming to xmas dinner?
is she still paying for it?

Flip

1 2