DM v DH, Christmas lunch.

[WifeandMotherof4]

We have a little financial difficulty, potentially, looming and so my DM has offered to buy Christmas food. This means DH, who cooks it (he loves it) will not be let loose in an extortionate butchers and organic vegetable shop!! This also means not having stupid amounts of three differnt meats, three/four puddings and too much cheese and pate!!
I have always loved chicken and not liked turkey for our lunch, a habit from my childhood, and DH has had his own way ans we've had turkey.
This year my DM wants to buy chicken as it's mine and my DF's favourite, but DH and his parents like turkey.
As my DM is buying everything to save us money, and she's not been here for two Christmasses (sp?), I think it's reasonable for her to buy what she likes and us be grateful....afterall if she lived here we'd go to her house!!
Am I unreasonable to think that DH is ungrateful and his parents (who have never contributed to anything) and him should be thankful that my DM is bothering at all.

Other issues: My DM feels my DH is controlling and so is insisting that I choose what I want as my DH always gets his own way.

Oh sorry to hear that.

At the risk of being flambayed, do you think your DM might have a wee bit too much to do with your relationship with your DH and things like the car tax are really not her business and its not her place to get annoyed about it?

Im sorry your having such a hard time just now, it can be hard enough at this time of year without a new baby and a war between your dh and your dm going on.

Go and get a bottle of wine and lock your self away somewhere and don't come out until you have drunk it !!

agree with lilacclaire, she does sound a teeny bit ott

If I was your DM I would save any argument by simply writing a list of what I proposed to provide, so it wasn't wasted I would ask if you wanted anything crossed off but not provide any alternatives. I think it would be simpler to give you the money but if she is fed up with DH I think she is entitled to do what she wants with her money.

Well, if you won't stand up for yourself, I can understand why your DM has backed right out because of the tax and the points. Your DH sounds like a selfish prat, to be honest. It's hard enough to have a new child to look after, let alone being stuck without a car because he can't be bothered getting the tax organised, and risking your driver's licence.

I never think of myself as a doormat, and my Dh's apparent control is pretty subtle. Having my DM here to highlight everything and me being in more need, having had our 4th baby, DH's selfishness has become rather too obvious to ignore.
My DH insists on 'helping' write the weekly shopping list, choosing the children's clothes (although I have put my foot down), deciding on how we decorate......not that I think he shouldn't have any input but as i don't work i wonder what my role is.

Well it probably happened over time, without you even noticing it. But now that you have noticed, you really need to do something about it. Having a close family will help you, and some non-judgmental friends as well.

although, you know, you could have done the tax on the car ytourself?/ you can do it online, it's easy peasy.

that aside though, he was a bit of a twit about it wasn't he? especially asking you to take points for him.

Is your mum still paying for Christmas lunch? How's this all working out now?

I think you should try and get everyone back on plan A tbh ... take some affirmative action. Would having a turkey crown and a chicken be too complicated? When my mum does lunch she tends to do a chicken AND a joint of some kind, and also a pud AND a trifle. Which is not a terrific amount of extra work.

I'm sure everyone can get a little of what they want, if you were Mrs Magic and did a bit of conflict resolution.

Yeah - don't take the points for him. Not very clever.

why not get a duck -very nice for christmas dinner

sorry didn't read second page-i hope it all works out, my mum had something similar to say about my dh just after we had dd2, perhaps there was some truth in it at the time but i also think it was necessary for ME to change things and regain some confidance...things are much better now-good luck with it all

Well I have tried to get DH to be a more considerate Man and less selfish, but have found that I have slipped into his behaviours more than he has to mine, iyswim?

So things are going to change, they have to.
As for my DM she is controlling and manipulative and I could have predicted this had I been realistic before she stayed.

All I need to do is make my own money, get myself a life and makemy home my own.....not too much to ask of myself I feel.