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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my MIL to feck off?

31 replies

pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:12

MIL is not your average Grandmother/mother, more a Joan Collins type, fleets in and out of our lives looking all glamorous. Been with DH for 13 years and in that time we have fell out with MIL because she is pretty selfish, she nearly ruined our wedding (we paid to take all DH's family abroad) and second time she didn't speak to us for 2 years because we forgot her birthday (DH and I were having HUGE problems that week, I had moved out and was staying with my parents, we had other things on our mind).

Anyway, cut a long story short, DH's business folded around 6 weeks ago, I am 31 weeks pregnant, have 2 DD's (6 years and 14 months) and DH and I have been in a pretty bad place for the past few weeks. She has called once and been to visit once. She lives 30 mins away and doesn't work. Her neighbour died a couple of weeks ago, I rang MIL to say I was sorry (she was friendly with this neighbour) and since then have not heard from her. It is like she will be wallowing in her fake grief and expect us to jump to her whereas she forgets that we are also having a very tough time at the moment as well. Not a phone call to see if any of us are okay, see how DH is or ask if I am getting on okay in my pregnancy.

I have got to the point where I am fed up of having to pick up the phone and see if SHE is okay and she never seems to reciprocate it. DH is used to her but I feel my DC deserve better. As a mother myself I feel like she should at least act like one to her son and a grandmother to her grandchildren.

In the 6 years since I have had DD1, she has not once taken any of the DC out for as much as a walk to the park.

AIBU to want to cut her out of our life?

OP posts:
rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 04/12/2008 19:16

why are you calling her, especially if it makes your blood pressure rise?

it is your DH's mum - he can call if he wants

TBH, she isn't going to change, so you need to either accept her how she is

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 04/12/2008 19:17

or let your DH see her

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 04/12/2008 19:18

"AIBU to want to cut her out of our life?"

It sounds as though she's cut herself out of your life anyway. Sad. But you can't make someone be a good grandmother if they don't wish to be one.

I am sorry for your troubles though.

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 04/12/2008 19:19

oh and I agree with ruby, your dh should do the phoning, it's just easier all round really.

Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:20

I call out of respect, DH would never bother tbh.

OP posts:
rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 04/12/2008 19:21

well if your DH won't bother then it isn't up to you

you do sound dutiful but it isn't making you happy to call her

just leave things be ...

Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:21

I just wonder whether you accept people for how they are, even if they upset you, or you cut your losses?

OP posts:
rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 04/12/2008 19:23

TBH, i have had a fair few run ins with my In Laws

things became a lot easier when i accepted what they were like

it is a lot easier than fighting or wishing they were different

you and your DH are THE most important people in your childrens' lives

a very wise person once posted that no-one is as interested or in love with your children than you are (think it was Twiglett or Custy)

Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:23

But should I tell her I think she is unfair or leave it?

OP posts:
rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 04/12/2008 19:24

leave it

she isn't going to understand where you are coming from

Lulumama · 04/12/2008 19:25

agree she has cut herself out of your lives. having met you and one of your charming DDs, i can safely say that you are delightful person, and clearly have a lovely family, and it is MIL's loss.

if your MIl cannot lend a hand at what is a stressful time for her son and his family, then when can you rely on her

make the best of the family and friends you can rely on

Lulumama · 04/12/2008 19:26

oh yes, ruby knows about difficult ILs

Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:26

Lulumama - thank you so much and yes to sippy cups darling.

OP posts:
rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 04/12/2008 19:27

yes i do - i have LOTS of them

Lulumama · 04/12/2008 19:30

okey doke, will drop them round with any stray baby clothes i can round up, early next week i should think.

re your MIL, it is obvious you and DH are having a Bad Time of it. if your MIL needs it spelling out and waving in her face, she is not really that interested.

which is hurtful and you except more from close family

however, as the saying goes, you can;t choose your family, and you can;t make them be a certain way.

you can change your expectations and your reactions to them though , that is something you can control.

Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:33

ruby, I feel like she should know where I am coming from though. Only because I think she is so wrong to not pick up the phone and see if we are okay. I feel like I have put up with it for too long.

She has 4 children, eldest DD she hasn't spoken to for 3 years (she lives in the next road to her), her other son she fell out with for a couple of years and then there are us and another DD who lives with her. She seems to spend her life having fall outs with her children and I feel like she is too toxic to be in our life; My children deserve better. i know you cannot change people and I wouldn't even try to but why should I put up with it?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 04/12/2008 19:36

i don;t think you should put up with it. it sounds like she has history , and on a comforting note, it is not just you and your DH she doesn;t like i suppose this is a decision you and DH have to make about what you want for you and your girls, and she will have to lump it. no doubt she would be dissatisfied with whatever you did

BTW, you shoudl change from pgwithnumber3 to

gorgeousslenderblondewithgreatdresssenseandlooksamazingfor7monthspregnant

Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:37

Lulu, pop in anytime, if my car is here, I am in (if not in the Village with DD in pram). Open house my house.

You are all right re MIL, I knew in my heart what response I would get and tbh, I am used to her strange ways but coming from a loving family who would walk to the end of the earth to help each other, I find it very hurtful to DH and DC that she is so selfish towards them. I don't need her in my life whatsoever.

OP posts:
Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:39

LOL Lulu, you saw me on a good day and you are fabulous yourself. Lovely sweet nature you have, just like on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:39

LOL Lulu, you saw me on a good day and you are fabulous yourself. Lovely sweet nature you have, just like on here.

OP posts:
kittywise · 04/12/2008 19:40

You need to stop expecting anything.

It's wrong to expect people to live up to you hopes and needs.

She is what she is.

How ever disappointed you are you nee to accept that.

it doesn't sound as if she wants much to do with you all anyway, which of course is sad, but that's what she wants.

deste · 04/12/2008 19:41

I put up with my MIL for 30 years and then decided to give up. I am a lot happier now.

Lulumama · 04/12/2008 19:42

thanks pg

Original poster
pgwithnumber3 · 04/12/2008 19:43

I suppose I just find it very very strange that a mother could be so sporadic in her interest for her children and grandchildren as my mother is so wonderful. It is not like she has anything better to do in her life. A case of running away from anything that is hard work.

OP posts:
crokky · 04/12/2008 19:44

YANBU to want to cut contact, but I would say YABU to actually do it.

Just keep contact to a minimum and if she throws a hissy fit, just let her. It will be easier that way.

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