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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tempted, just for a minute, to fib about ds's age?

52 replies

NigellaTufnel · 04/12/2008 15:53

So, I was having a bit of a bad day, but coping pretty well, until ds and I went to the park.

We had the usual polite chit chat with another nice mum, until she asked (quite reasonably) what ds's age was.
Now, he's 17 months, but does not walk, or talk. Her ds was 16 months and running about and chattering.
The other Mum was very pleasant, but was obviously sympathetic to my 'backward' child. (At least that is my interpretation in my highly sensitized state.)

Normally this wouldn't bother me. Goodness, I've had it enough. In fact EVERY time we meet other people with kids.
But I have been worn down by the fact that ds is so far behind his peers, and I worry about it.

We all know the fierce strong love we have for our little ones, and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for him, and I am fed up with feeling that I have to justify what a loving and lovely little boy he is, despite being a bit tardy on the milestones.

Anyway, walking back home I thought just for a moment to knock a month off his age the next time a stranger asks, just so I don't have to go through the whole 'your child obviously has something wrong with him' thing.

I don't think I will, but AIBU even to have thought of it?

OP posts:
ilovetochatupsanta · 04/12/2008 15:55

loads of kids don't walk or talk at 17 months, don't lie, just be proud of him.

TipsyFairydifferentID · 04/12/2008 15:57

don't focus on what he can't do yet, focus on what he can.

2AdventSevenfoldShoes · 04/12/2008 15:57

i had all this with a neighbour, her ds walked at some early age like 13 months(or 11) and mine was about 18 months.
she kind of gloated.......
until my ds started walking and was really steady and she ate her words.
so don't worry be happy

Original poster
NigellaTufnel · 04/12/2008 15:59

You're probably right. Just feel a little sensitive about it today.

Tomorrow is another day!

OP posts:
Nagapie · 04/12/2008 16:02

I hate the can of worms the word 'How old is your son/daughter' opens ...

If it helps any, my DS is 20 months and he still not talking properly ... My DD took her time too - now, we can't get her to zip it!!!

WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS · 04/12/2008 16:03

What did she say that was so bad? I'm just wondering as DD was a fairly early walker (about a year old) and I hope I wasn't smug about it.

Ashantai · 04/12/2008 16:03

I had the same kind of thing too, with a friend who's child was walking at just over 10 months, who made me think something was wrong with my daughter cos she only started walking at 12 months

Please try not to stress on this as all children develop at their own rate. He'll walk when he is good and ready, and as for talking, you will soon get to the stage when you say "will you just give your mouth a rest for a while!!!"

shitehawk · 04/12/2008 16:04

You're being over-sensitive - understandably, because it bothers you. But it shouldn't.

You don't have to justify anything, and really no-one else neither wants nor expects you to. Rest assured that the other mother really doesn't care whether your child can walk or talk or not - she is only concerned about her own child's development, not yours.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 04/12/2008 16:15

DS1 was relatively late at talking - hardly said a word before he was 2. Remember the HV sounding a bit concerned. He is now 4 and never shuts up! His vocabulary is definitely above average and people comment all the time about his chatting ability (talks to everyone about everything) and although I am obviously biaised he is a pretty interesting little conversationalist.

DS2 (nearly 2) is chatting away - much more advanced than DS1 was - I'll never get a word in edgeways!!!!

I really wouldn't worry. I don't think YABU to think about it...but I wouldn't lie about something like that.

Original poster
NigellaTufnel · 04/12/2008 16:23

Thank you all so much! You all have made me feel much better.

I won't lie about it, but it did just cross my mind!

My lovely boy... he takes his time!

OP posts:
OldMama · 04/12/2008 16:28

I agree with TipsyfairyID, every child is different, yours will probably learn to do other things quicker, my DS didn't crawl till one year and walk till 19 months. Now, at 4 1/2 he's doing simple sums and doesn't stop chatting all day, and his vocabulary is great. I don't think he'll ever be a professional footballer, Thank God- I can't stand the game! but I love him just the way he is.

plinkplinkfizzpops · 04/12/2008 16:28

My DD is 7 months so have no idea when she will start walking or talking but from what I have observed of other people's children the ones who do these things later tend to be more proficient - as if they have been observing in order to get it just right before they try.

Einstein, I believe, was quite late in starting to speak... I'm sure someone will correct me if I am wrong .

Indiechick · 04/12/2008 16:31

Oh I sympathise (spell?), dd2 is two months prem and way behind her peers, it's so heartbreaking 'cos to me she's doing really well and I can see improvements in her development every week but others look at her with sad looks on their face. I hate it, but what can you do, just hope they are late developers and they outclass their peers at some point.

Aimsmum · 04/12/2008 16:32

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 04/12/2008 16:33

I was weirdly proud that my ds did things late. He crawled at 11 or 12 months (not proper crawling though commando crawling), took a few steps at 14 months but walked at 21 months. If any other mums tried to brag about their own kids who did things 12 months earlier than mine I would say ah yes but I got to keep him as a baby a whole 12 months longer than you. that shut them up Oh and if they tried to act concerned I would say the doctor said they don't show concern until they are between 24 and 30 months and not walking.

hf128219 · 04/12/2008 16:35

My brother in law didn't walk until 24 months - he's now a massive rugby player!

minouminou · 04/12/2008 16:39

DS didn't start walking until 16 months, and he went from zero to hero in one weekend - it'll happen for your DS.
Both DP and I were late talkers and walkers - can you remember if you were?
Re the other mum - there was a girl at DS' nursery who didn't start cruising until 20 months (i think), and wasn't talking much - but she really was very bright indeed - noticeably so. She picked up signing v quickly, and was very observant.
However, seeing that she wasn't standing etc, i remember asking a carer at the nursery (as tactfully as poss) "IS she ok...I know I shouldn't ask, but......", so the other mum's concerned look could have been one of "do i mention he's not walking/talking, do i draw ANY attention at all to it?"
Anyway, this girl soon caught up, and is still very very clever as well as walking and talking OK.

Original poster
NigellaTufnel · 04/12/2008 16:48

I suppose that everything gets mixed up together; worry about development, being worn down by constant comparisions by NCT folk - some of it incredibly rude, and plain good old fashioned tiredness.

I feel sorry for the poor woman in the park, but it's just I get so fed up!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 04/12/2008 16:55

silly woman

some children walk at 10mths, some at 12mths and some not till 20MTHS+

doesnt mean any are backward, just all children reach goals at different times of their lifes

like with teeth,my 5mth has 2 teeth, her friend 8mths has none

ignore any one who says my child is better than yours

dont knock off his age - as others have said,be proud and go on the things he can do

minouminou · 04/12/2008 16:59

Oh - the old compare and compete?
Balls to it.
We've got some belters round here - they stop just short of asking for your kid's bloody CV, I tell you.
Thing is, everyone's got these magic numbers in their heads from all the books/classes - crawling by 7 months, etc, and anyone who deviates from it....well, you can see the cogs whirring, calculating.
I only asked about DS' little chum in nursery because she did have poor muscle tone, and i felt guilty doing it, but her mum is so lovely, and I knew the carer would say she was OK (IYSWIM), as she was still under 24 months.
Guy who owns a restaurant here - his little girl is running RUNNING...at 10.5 months, and he's like "It just looks wrong!"
He had it fixed in his head that he's be putting up safety gates in Jan/Feb next year, but he's had to do it now.
People just get these timescales , I think.

HaveYourselfAJammyLittleXmas · 04/12/2008 16:59

I sympathise.DD is a weekoff 18 months and not walking yet. (Will do so holding both my hands but will not let go). I get tired of having 14, 12, even 10 month olds run rings round her, and the parents look so sorry when they ask and I tell them the age. The woest is when someone hears me say I hope she gets walking properly soon (it kills my back stooping over all the time if nothing else) and says, "oooh don't worry so-and-so was a really late walker and didn't walk until nearly X months. How old is she?" X+1 is my reply, the 2 times this has happened

piscesmoon · 04/12/2008 16:59

Don't lie about him-be proud-they are all different-don't compare. I didn't walk until I was 18 months-my nephew didn't talk until he was 5yrs (he makes up for it now and never stops!)

nappyaddict · 04/12/2008 19:06

woah 5 years i assume he must have had some sort of problems?

piscesmoon · 04/12/2008 19:12

No-he understood everything. When he was ready he started talking in whole sentences! He is very intelligent. He just missed out the early part. All DCs are individuals-they don't all jumps through the hoops people expect.

LynetteScavo · 04/12/2008 19:16

Not all daffodils flower on the same day!!!

I new a little boy who didn't say anything untill he was 2 !/4 - then it all came spilling out at once.

Nigella, YANBU - but you would be doing other mothers of non -early walkers and talkers no favours.