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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be tempted, just for a minute, to fib about ds's age?

52 replies

NigellaTufnel · 04/12/2008 15:53

So, I was having a bit of a bad day, but coping pretty well, until ds and I went to the park.

We had the usual polite chit chat with another nice mum, until she asked (quite reasonably) what ds's age was.
Now, he's 17 months, but does not walk, or talk. Her ds was 16 months and running about and chattering.
The other Mum was very pleasant, but was obviously sympathetic to my 'backward' child. (At least that is my interpretation in my highly sensitized state.)

Normally this wouldn't bother me. Goodness, I've had it enough. In fact EVERY time we meet other people with kids.
But I have been worn down by the fact that ds is so far behind his peers, and I worry about it.

We all know the fierce strong love we have for our little ones, and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for him, and I am fed up with feeling that I have to justify what a loving and lovely little boy he is, despite being a bit tardy on the milestones.

Anyway, walking back home I thought just for a moment to knock a month off his age the next time a stranger asks, just so I don't have to go through the whole 'your child obviously has something wrong with him' thing.

I don't think I will, but AIBU even to have thought of it?

OP posts:

WhileShosheWatchedHerFlocks · 04/12/2008 19:23

In my 30 years in Childcare, I have had a child walk at 8 months and another not till 22 months, and every month in between.

The same with talking anything between 10 months and 3.

They all ended up about the same capabilities, by the time they started school.

jempurd · 04/12/2008 19:32

My little girl is walking and she is 10 months. I can assure you that I never think about whether other kids are 'backwards' or 'delayed' or any other label that people like to give. I actually envy you a little bit tbh, it's so much easier to look after them when they're not running around emptying every cupboard and smacking the tv senseless. The other thing is that because she is so young, she doesn't really get no, so she completely ignores me and wrecks the joint!
I am so proud of my girl, but not proud of myself because she is an early walker. I mean, what did I do?
And I'm not proud because she is an early walker, I'd be just as proud if she sat on her bum til she was 2....

Our kids our beautiful and special and all that competitiveness drives me crazy

It would be a real shame if you knock months off of him though. As many have said on this post, be proud of your lovely little man and ignore those crazy lala mums that have nothing better to do than judge and compare

elastamum · 04/12/2008 19:45

Dont worry about it. You really cant compare. Ds1 walked at 8 months, he never crawled and everyone in the park used to feel sorry for us as we had him on baby reins and they all thought something was wrong with him as he was running around and he was absolutely tiny with no sense at all! People used to ask if he was alright.. DS 2 didnt walk until much much later as he was smart enough to realise he could get carried everywhere. They have both grown up just fine

QueenFee · 04/12/2008 19:50

On the flip side of this both my dc walked at 9 months and peole used to make me feel bad basically accusing me of being pushy. (I would have loved for them to crawl and walk later I found it hard with them walking that young as they have no sense)
Just to say really that we are all sensitive to our little ones development
DD may have walked young but she didnt talk till she was over 3 so I got those comments too!

nappyaddict · 04/12/2008 20:00

sorry pisces i read it as walking not talking.

nappyaddict · 04/12/2008 20:02

btw pisces - did he not even have any odd words until 5? did he see a salt or anything? just curious cos a friend's little girl has no words either yet at 2.

eandh · 04/12/2008 20:07

my nephew can only say 3 words (and not clearly) and he is almost 3 (now having SALT via nursery started last week and my brother said he has 3 new words today )

My dd's both walked by 12months but neither spoke properly till gone 2 (dd2 is 23months and has about 10 clear words but makes herself understood and certainly understands what we say to her)

kerryk · 04/12/2008 20:15

my dd2 started walking at 8 months.

people were usually sympathetic about that because she was a little terror (still is!!!)

would not cross my mind to be about a child not walking at 17 months.

what does bother me is people who try to force there children to walk, i had a friend who from when her ds was about 11 months would prop him up againsed a wall and try and make him take a step!

piscesmoon · 04/12/2008 23:18

In reply to nappy addict, I think he had the odd word but he was largely silent but he understood absolutely everything. It was worrying and I can't remember now what they did about it-I just know that he talked when he wanted to and 5ish was the age that he really started to communicate-and has never been quiet since!

onthewarpath · 04/12/2008 23:36

I remember a boy at a toddlers group who's speach was really hard to understand. After a summer break about 5 weeks, I just could not believe it was the same boy chatting to me, he was so confident and clear in his speach. I guess some children take time "listening" to people talking and sort of memorising the mechanism of it before they can speak themselves.
I agree with piscemoon, my 4 Dcs have had very different developpement.

DD1 crawled at 4mth but could not sit on her bottom until she was 13mnth (she would sort of kneel instead)
DD4 started to walk a week after 9 mth but I am longing her to say anything else than HI, ho ,mummy.(she was two last month
Between them, the range of ages they started to walk at varied between 9+ mth for DD4 to 18mth DS3

juicyjolly · 05/12/2008 00:10

pisces....my nephew was exactly the same. Never really spoke until he was 5...my sister even took him to the gp.
By the age of 5 he was talking in sentences.

mylittlemousie · 05/12/2008 03:36

I think we all have our sensitivities, don't we? Mine is a poor weight gainer... someone said the other day "that child's not big enough to be walking around town" (she was holding my hand and being very good, actually) - she is 23 months. I was but I doubt they meant anything negative at all...

piscesmoon · 05/12/2008 07:45

I know that I wanted my 3rd to stay at the baby stage for longer, because he was going to be the last, and I was in no hurry to reach any milestones. He was the one that was crawling everywhere at 5 months and walking well before he was a year old. You just have to go with the flow!

LolaLadybird · 05/12/2008 21:40

The constant comments can grind you down and make you start to feel paranoid. The thing is some people feel like it's OK to just make quite direct comments about children in the same way they do when you're pregnant (ie. 'are you sure you're not expecting twins' - ho bloody ho).

DS has just turned 1 and is not crawling or walking, just shuffles about a bit (DD crawled at 11 mths and I thought that was late). Also, he is a v big lad and has been since a few months old - something I have posted about on MN. I know he is absolutely fine and has healthy diet etc but the constant comments ('oh, he's v big isn't he') from stangers do start to get to you.

The thing is they do all even out in the end and I wouldn't change my gorgeous little man for the world so just hang on in there - and don't lie about his age, that would be like giving in to them!

apostrophe · 05/12/2008 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 05/12/2008 23:29

I dont think you should ever compare two children, its like comparing apples and oranges - both fruit but completely different.

I am a mother of an "early" - she was walking at 9mths and talking early as well, and I never want it to sound like I'm boasting (becuase I dont see it in that way!), its just sometimes you fall into that trap of seemingly competative parenting.

nappyaddict · 06/12/2008 20:43

I think sometimes people don't think before they speak. I remember seeing a baby once. She looked as though she was about 9 months old. I asked how old she was and the mum said oh she's 15 months and I said gosh she's tiny isn't she. Didn't mean to make the mum feel bad at all but in retrospect if the mum was sensitive about her dd being small for her age I probably did.

plinkplinkfizzpops · 07/12/2008 11:04

I've done this before with another baby from my NCT group. She is slightly older than my DD but much smaller, and I once said to my DD as she attempted to snatch something 'Be careful of little x'. Think the mother gets fed up of hearing that her daughter is 'petite' but she is what she is, you have to embrace it imo.

BibiJesus · 07/12/2008 11:11

DTs are nearly 17m and aren't walking or talking. We occasionally get "dye dye" from one and "hiya" from both, but nothing else. They didn't crawl until 13m.

It's all been a bit stressful for me as dd1 was textbook and hit the milestones on the head, but we are having them assessed now regarding muscle tone adn hearing etc. They do have problems with hearing low level noise which could possibly contribute to them not saying much but general consensus is ...

they're a bit lazy

BibiJesus · 07/12/2008 11:12

But I do feel exactly the same as you, and sometimes am tempted to knock a month or two off their age so they're closer to the adjusted age.

Jenbot · 07/12/2008 11:26

I did everything v early as a baby and I'm nothing special now! All it meant in the long run was that my mum has some funny stories about how shocked health visitors / Drs were at me before the age of 1.
Your son will be fine!

VirginBoffinMum · 07/12/2008 11:33

All mine walked and talked at different times. It is not a race! Point about UCAS form very apt!!

One of my friends was really suffering with her hyper-competitive NCT group, who met up regularly with the apparent sole purpose of making each other nervous about their children's progress.

After one particularly bad session my friend came to see me, very upset, and said that one of the other babies had already got a tooth. Without thinking, I responded, "Well that just shows how what a brilliant parent she has to be then". My friend just looked at me for a minute, and then burst out laughing. I think it helped!

amidaiwish · 07/12/2008 11:33

i didn't talk til i was almost 4. my first "words" were "don't worry mum i'm alright"

i have a good friend who didn't talk til 4 either. he got 5As at A level and is now a top city banker.

not that unusual apparently.

VirginBoffinMum · 07/12/2008 11:35

My DH talked at 3 and said "My tea's late". MIL looked around the kitchen wondering who had spoken! Family verdict is that tea had probably always been on time until then ... just as well MIL got it late one day, or DH pay never have spoken

edam · 07/12/2008 11:37

Mothers who are competitive about ages for walking/crawling/talking etc. etc. etc. are just plain daft. They ALL get there in the end unless there's a good reason like SN. Universities don't ask what age a prospective student talked!

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