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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be upset that DH thinks a work commitment is more important than a 20 week scan?

45 replies

lizzytee · 04/12/2008 09:41

That's it really. I have tried not to rant at him about it (he is generally really supportive and has been a star through a fairly vile 1st trimester and a high risk pregnancy), pointing out that it's up to him and maybe he should bear in mind whether he will remember what his important work commitment was in ten years time. I'm really trying to be nice but just couldn't do it this morning, and am entertaining thoughts along the lines of "well if he won't bother to come then I'm not going to ask them to tell me the sex etc etc"

I should say, due to issues with my pregnancy I have had a LOT of appointments. But only the normal number of all-over scans.

OP posts:
AnguaVonUberwald · 04/12/2008 09:42

I think he should be there for the scan. How can he justify that this work commitment is more important?

SugaryTits · 04/12/2008 09:44

If he can't get out of his work commitment could you book a private scan that he can come to? The 4D scans are amazing.

mrsgboring · 04/12/2008 09:45

I think it slightly depends on what the vital work commitment is, but unless he is in imminent fear of job loss, he should be at the scan. 20 week scan is not really about see the lovely little baby and find out the sex; it's about checking whether there are any problems, and if there were you'd want his support there and then.

satine · 04/12/2008 09:46

Just to play devil's advocate - men's minds work in different ways, and he is just not as interested in the pregnancy at this stage. I know we'd like to think that our men should be as involved as we are in every development, but they're just not. I took my mum, or my best friend to my scans!

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 04/12/2008 09:51

It would be nice if he were there, but if he can't make it, he can't make it.

Original poster
lizzytee · 04/12/2008 09:51

I think the reason I really want him there is that I am afraid the scan will show up something sinister - this happened with my previous pregnancy (dd delivered at 27 weeks) and the 20 week scan was the point where we found out all was not well. From that point on it just happened that I got all the bad news at times when he wasn't there (for much, much better reasons than work) and I had to deal with it myself and then go through things with him afterwards. I really don't want to postpone the scan in case it does show up something serious.

(I am working too and finding it tricky enough to balance my own work commitments and appointments, let alone his)

OP posts:
PussinWellies · 04/12/2008 09:52

They picked up potential problems at ALL of my 20-week scans (three different children, three utterly unrelated problems). It happens. I'd say he needs to be there.

Original poster
lizzytee · 04/12/2008 09:52

sorry mrs b, cross posted with you!

OP posts:
chopchopbusybusy · 04/12/2008 09:52

Depends on the work commitment. I don't remember DH coming to any of my scans.

Itsjustsorandom · 04/12/2008 09:53

If he can't be there it's just because he has to be at work & will be thinking of you.

OrmIrian · 04/12/2008 09:55

He should be there. Ideally. But it depends on the nature of the work committment. Some things can't be missed - especially at the moment.

Blinglovin · 04/12/2008 09:56

It really depends on what the work committment is. A long planned international trip for a major meeting might be hard to skip. A weekly departmental meeting at which 15 other people are present, he should skip.

Your reasons for wanting him there are entirely valid but it's hard to really form an opinion without knowing the full situation.

MarlaSinger · 04/12/2008 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 04/12/2008 10:00

lizzytee, I know it's hard, it's shite, it really is.
In my last pregnancy there were so many appointments I had to go to and fortnightly scans that there was no possible way DP could come to all of them, and there were times I would call him up in tears because the news was not good, but he really couldn't help it, he had to go to work.
Maybe the way DH sees it, if he takes as little time off now as possible then he can take as much off as he needs if something does go wrong? I know that was DP's thinking anyway.

slightlycrumpled · 04/12/2008 10:01

Oh Lizzytree that is hard for you. Having to deal with those emotions on your own at the scan will be tough for you, maybe take a friend or your mum?

I do think he should be there as I also had a problem detected at my 20 week scan and was very glad of the support, however, sometimes work/ home life can be very complicated and I guess if he says it's impossible for him to come then you just have to trust that it is.

Good luck and I hope that all is well.

Original poster
lizzytee · 04/12/2008 10:01

BL, am not sure I know the full situation. But I do know that it's not like his job is in imminent danger if he goes and am a bit floored because whenever I have asked him before to be there, it's not a problem.

OP posts:
Uriel · 04/12/2008 10:04

lizzy - if he's gone to all the other scans, maybe cut him a bit of slack on this one?

HarrietTheSpy · 04/12/2008 10:04

If you've had problems in this pregnancy and a previous baby delivered at 27 wks I think he should be there. I'm not saying you're likely to have problems now, but that he's got to appreciate your anxiety and could do with some support. In this situation, I feel it would be reasonable to reschedule many types of client related things to attend the appointment.

Could he be worried about how he might cope??

For DD2, DH was only at one of the scans post 12 wks. I wasn't happy about it but he did attend the early ones when we were checking if it was another ectopic, which was important.

MadMarg · 04/12/2008 10:06

Well if my DH came to all my scans, he would forfeit money as he hs a contractor. Would you think differently if him being there would cost £x?

As a result it's unlikely that DH will be there for many of my scans this time, but I am so glad he was there last time because that's when I found out I had a mmc.

AnguaVonUberwald · 04/12/2008 10:07

Maybe he is scared too, and this is his way of dealing with it. (I am not suggesting its a good way of dealing with it)

Original poster
lizzytee · 04/12/2008 10:08

I haven't asked him to come to all the appointments I've had by any stretch, this is why I am a bit surprised. It's as if because the problem that caused dd to arrive early seems to be under control, he doesn't think that there's a possiblity of anything elso going wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
lizzytee · 04/12/2008 10:10

I should add that I am not saying he should prioritise this over all else...but he works long and often unsocial hours for a big company rather than being self employed.

OP posts:
constancereader · 04/12/2008 10:11

god he should go given your history.
I had a very similar experience and my dh came to all subsequent 20 week scans.

Good luck with it

SantasNuttySTaff · 04/12/2008 10:13

my dh cant come to my 20wk scan as he's not allowed to have any time off in december its written in his contract

2pt4kids · 04/12/2008 10:14

DH couldntmake any of my scans or appts with DS2 due to work. I wasnt bothered really as I'd had no problems with DS1 and didnt anticapte any proiblems with DS2.
However in your situatuon where you've had a bad experience with a 20 wk scan before its understandable that you'll be more anxious and in need if support now.
Have you said to him how worried you are about going on your own and specifically asked him to change his work meeting? or has he just said he cant make it and you havent questioned it?

How about sitting him down and asking him how you will contact him immediately after the scan and what contingency plans he will make to be able to get home immediately if you get bad news (not that I think you will, but just as a way to show him that you could and he's not really considering that at the moment). It might make him stop and think that he really ought to be there to supprt you all through the scan...